The Assault On Davanus - Warhammer 40K Fantasy
 

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  1. #1
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    ok constructive criticism welcome as it's my first story.

    Seargent lexerus looked at his squad. 8 out of the 9 troopers had succesfully dropped. Ackumus had sprained his ankle while landing. Lexerus sighed.They had no chance of keeping him with them as they needed to strike quickly.They were allready undermanned.He shouted at the squad and they handed ackmus some frag grenades. He would be picked up if he survived. He gave the order and the whole squad moved down the street. Silent as they could be they headed towards the orc camp. The orcs were already in the third most important city of Davanus. Giving the order all nine hellguns blazed into the camp Blowing away body limbs as the orcs shouted in pain. One of them continued to live for several seconds before it's slow witted mind realiased it was dead. After another deadly volley they charged. Throwing grenades into the orcs crude tents and buildings. Rewarded with the sight of there enemy, set alight and dying slowly. Then out of the darkness came a giant orc. Clad in crude armour and carrying an axe it charged. Swinging at him. Lexerus ducked out of the way but Ariamuus was not so lucky. His finley made armour and schola pragnama training not enough to prevent his chest smashing. As his lifeblood dripped onto the floor lexemus bought up his bayonet. Peircing into the orcs hide. The creature bellowed in rage and swung again, connecting this time at his waist. Felling his hip crumple he fell back onto the hard road. Firing his hellgun as he went.

    Lexerus awoke aboard an emporer class battleship. An ordley stood above him and asked him. "So how are you glory boy", without answering lexemus asked him what happened. " well one of your men apparently jumped into your assailant, grenades primed and killed the orc, he died as well.... Anyway we were called into extract you and you survived". Lexemus mumbled something unintelligible before passing out...

    Ok comments then. What did you think ???

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  3. #2
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    A good story line but a few points:

    It doesnt seem to flow that well
    Imperial guard (or hellguns) just arent that good
    all of the names end in us its repetative
    Station:in all the world of the drow there is no more important word.It is the calling of their-of our-religion,.ambition overrides good sense and compassion is thrown away in its face, all in the name of the spider queen.


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    Ok thanks for commenting, one question though ? how much more effective are hellguns ??? I allways thought that they'd be a really souped up version of a lasgun.
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    I adopted a cute lil' cow fetus
    from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus! </a>

  5. #4
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    they only give a bit of a boost why dont you make the wounds inflicted by them just burn more and be generally more painful
    Station:in all the world of the drow there is no more important word.It is the calling of their-of our-religion,.ambition overrides good sense and compassion is thrown away in its face, all in the name of the spider queen.


  6. #5
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    Ok thanks, i'll probobly try to make another story later.
    <img src="http://bunnysnoog.cyborgcow.net/henry29.gif"

    I adopted a cute lil' cow fetus
    from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus! </a>

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