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This is the background to my stealer magus
Caution: contains naughty words and grammar issues
‘You little bitch’ she felt a heavy fist connect with her face ‘what have you done with it’
She was cowering in the corner of the room trying to escape her father’s drunken wrath. He’d been out all day at the mines, then instead of coming home, he gone round to ‘ special friends’ house and had more than a little too much to drink. Hours later he finally returned and now every fibre of her bruised and aching body wished he hadn’t.
He wasn’t a bad man, he used to be a devout emperor loving man, but he’d turned to the bottle after his wife had been conscripted over ago. Not long after that the house began to become neglected, a month after she left he punched sagum for the first time. After that it spiralled out of control until it he came home wasted every night and the girl began to spend nights in the park, believing the streets to be safer than home.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about; I don’t even know what one is.’ She was physically choking out her words.
She looked around the small two room hovel for a way to escape. The filth encrusted carpet had curled up at the edges jamming the back door shut, and over time the wooden door had warped so much it had shattered the door frame. The only way out was the wide open front door, but her father was in the way.
‘Tell me, now’ he roared, so close to her face she could smell the fear and alcohol in his breath. As He raised his fist to hit her again, she stood up and screamed at him. She felt her something happen in her head, something not unknown but not unpleasant’. She watched the towering goliath fall down in with a look of surprise on his face. She took this as a gift and ran away as fast as her frightened little legs could move her. He began to give chase screaming profanities at her, but he could not hope to catch her, due to him being so drunk he could barely stand up.
After a while she stopped running and tried to catch her breath by leaning up against a nearby wall, something this place was not short of. She truly hated her father and felt a strange unconditional love for him at the same time, she hated watching him slide further and further away from the emperor’s light every day, she hated the fact that he was abusive and she hated him because he no longer cared but she loved him in the strange unconditional way of all children.
This wasn’t the first time she had felt forced to run off. She would stay in the imperial church for the night, as she knew the emperor would save her from her father and from her friend’s in the dark. Recently sagum had begun to see shadows following her, shadows that hurt her head when she looked at them. Yet a shadow which felt familiar and friendly, a benign force. She knew that when she returned home the next day her father would be absent having left for work and the cycle would begin again.
She was a lonely girl, with no friends save the ones in her head and little family, since the penal colony’s had arrived, the government had scrapped the education system planet wide, they saw no reason in wasting precious resources teaching a world full of criminals. After many centuries and a rebellion the penal colonies and the offspring were realised into normal society. As there were no schools and the park areas were stalked by men with far darker motives, she had no opportunity So she’d had no opportunity to make friends, or learn social skills.
Suddenly, behind her something fell over. It clattered on the floor with a metal clang. She swung around to investigate and didn’t notice anything in the darkness. Cautiously she began to make her way towards the location of the noise she could find nothing, thoroughly spooked she ran all the way to the imperial church where she would spend the night in the watchful arms of her immortal lord.
She had arrived at the church without further incident. She lay her head down on one of the pews and began to dream. In the dream her father was there and so was her mother, they were happy and together in a playground; she was on a swing being pushed by the two of them. But then everything became dark and she swung forward into his snarling face.
She fell off the swing and began to fall and fall and fall, until a net caught her. She was away from everything, her father’s angry, embittered sobs, the creatures that stalked her normal dreams, beasts of unimaginable horror, free from all of it. For the first time in months she felt safe and calm.
She closed her eyes for a few seconds and then when she reopened them her mother had appeared, she was gliding towards the teenage girl, and then she spoke.
‘There is a way out of this mess, you can save your father and I will be able to return.’
She lent forwards and whispered into the girl’s ear
Dawn arrived and the girl sat up, stretched and took a deep breath. She stood up and strode purposefully out of the church and to her home.
When she arrived her father hadn’t even woken up yet, the lazy fat bas..., she stop mid thought, she had to concentrate if she was going to remember what her mum had told her to do.
She looked under the sink and pulled out a bottle of promethium and a lighter that her father used for his iho sticks. She went to the back door and coated it in promethium, and then she went to the front door and did the same leaving a trail in-between the two. She left these two items just outside the doorstep. Returning inside she collected a knife off the side and went into the room where her father was sleeping. She gulped down some air, and bit back her fear, and then she went forwards and kicked him awake.
Startled he began to yell at her, and then the girl plunged the knife into his throat with a cry of effort. A small gurgling noise came out of his mouth and he sank to his knees, staring at her face as he fell slowly to the floor, a look betrayal and surprise forever etched on to his features.
Walking outside, she lit the promethium on the door and ran; she knew that this would remove the stain her father would have otherwise left upon this ground. By the time anyone noticed he would be gone, a mere memory from her past which need never be recovered.
She came to the same alleyway she was in the previous night, and again rested against the wall. And again she heard the noise; except this time there was something there she was surrounded by the creatures from her nightmares, huge creature made of bone and flesh, with arms as sharp as swords. One creature jumped on her and pushed her to the ground, as its mouth drew closer all she could see was the last look on her father’s face as she betrayed him.
Not a bad effort. Some tidying and formatting could be in order, if you wanted to improve it, but I find myself asking all these questions about your story because there are a few things, for me, that don't quite make sense.
The biggest issue is, why is Sagum killed at the end? (Or am I jumping to conclusions here and she really isn't?) I mean, if she's being influenced by this power, if she's under their sway, why aren't they using her to further their agenda even more? And what do they stand to gain from killing the father anyway?
I think you've done really well with the story, but you just need a bit of work on justifying why it all happens. Of course, I may just be a bit pickier than others, and if you're happy with it as is then don't mind me!
thanks for reading it
i'm in the procsess of rewriting it for an online comp on another forum so any and all help is welcome
she isn't dead i just forgot that she doesn't get implanted she is born a magus, and the stealers wouldn't get anything from it, it justr gave my story somewhere to progress to.
Yeah, I guess... genestealers wouldn't really care about furthering some greater ideal - just about continuing their line. And I guess some (like Sagum in this story) wouldn't cope so well and might go a bit batty.
I just noticed this paragraph could do with a bit of work, not sure why I didn't pick it up last time...Specifically, mentioning when it was that the wife was conscripted. Maybe break the first sentence up in to two, where that first comma is?He wasn’t a bad man, he used to be a devout emperor loving man, but he’d turned to the bottle after his wife had been conscripted over ago. Not long after that the house began to become neglected, a month after she left he punched sagum for the first time. After that it spiralled out of control until it he came home wasted every night and the girl began to spend nights in the park, believing the streets to be safer than home.
It might be good to give it another proof-read or get someone else to, as well. I've spotted a few more little typos here and there, but it gets a bit tedious pointing them all out over a forum. I can do it if you want, though...
it's meant to say over a year ago, and thanks for that. : )
in the end it would be up to you, as it's your time spent taking it apart
So long as you're fine with it, too. Just... going through someone's work and picking out every single error and then publicly displaying it can come across as a bit nasty. So I tend to avoid doing it like that.
I might have a look, though (not doing anything else at present) and PM you what I find.
i will add in the edits but i'm unable to get the pc containing my hard copy at the minute