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Dig it. I'm writing this little short story about a scout's first battle,and I just coughed up the first part,but it's just not good. I'm missing something but I don't know what.Can anybody give me some advice on this..here's what I have so far.
I was relatively calm inside the Rhino, but they could hear the war raging outside. There were nine of them, and the sergeant, all packed into the APC as it rumbled down the ruined street. The sounds of explosions and bullets ricocheting off the hull drowned out the dull roar of the overcharged engines and the constant buzz of comm. static. Brother Sean nervously eyed the bolter lying across his lap, his brown eyes peering through a wall of straight brown hair that hung from the mop on his head. This was his first battle since the completion of his scout training, and to be honest he was rather scared. His eyes nervously scanned the inside of the transport. The other battle brothers all seemed much calmer then he did. Brother Jordon was busy reciting the battle hymns under his breath, Brother Will had his eyes closed and almost looked like he was napping. Seanâ€™s looked for the sergeant, and found him standing in the doorway that leads to the driverâ€™s compartment. Sergeant Rugale was engaged in a conversation with the driver, though Sean was unable to make out their words through the noise. Sean closed his eyes, and rested his head back against the wall behind him. He was chanting mentally, trying to calm himself, when suddenly the Sergeantâ€™s voice forced him back to reality. â€śPrepare yourselves brothers, those doors are about to open and Hell waits on the other sideâ€? Rugale pointed dramatically to the large cargo door in the back of the rhino, and Seanâ€™s eyes instinctively followed, locking onto the door. It was probably just his imagination, but for just a moment that was the most ominous door he had ever seen in his life. Before Sean had almost mentally prepared himself for the coming battle when the rhino j3rked to a sudden stop, dashing his concentration and with it went a great deal of his courage. â€śThis is it boys, your first taste of battle!â€? The roar of an entire scout companyâ€™s battle cry filled the inside of the rhino, and then suddenly the world around Sean erupted into chaos.
So yeah the rest is gonna be about them charging out into the fight and getting mangled by the chaos marines..so...yeah..suggestions?Note i had to replace one of the E's with a 3 because appearently ***** is a vulgar word.
Several things seem off to me. First, Space Marines, even the youngest of scouts, have gone through training that is harsher than most Imperial Guardsmen tours of duty. They have undergone psycho-surgery to eliminate thoughts of fear from them. They simply do not get this stressed out before a battle. Second, scouts dont rumble around in rhinos in the middle of a warzone. They are supposed to range ahead of the main force, sneaking around and scouting out the enemyÂ´s positions. Throwing them into the thick of it really isnÂ´t appropriate.
Maybe a better way to show that he is a little nervous would be to have him praying litanies of bravery and loyalty to the Emperor, while remaining outwardly calm.
what? scouts in a rhino? um that doesnt work man, they are either out way ahead of the troops securing positions and making hit and run attacks, or being cannon fodder for the main force.
Also scouts afraid? what? no no no no no, these guys are warriors from birth. They are space marines, friggen machines! If anything these guys are trying to get out of the rhino faster to fight for the emperor. You might want to re write this so that it fits in with the rest of the 40k world.
Okay on to being nice, i like it other than those errors. I feel you have a good writing style and I was captivated . . . somewhat. So keep it up and have fun writing!
IÂ´d just like to add that if you substitute the term space marine scout with IG troop and Rhino with Chimera it makes a lot more sense. Plz donÂ´t stop writing since your text is pretty good, if in need of more work.
And to the above poster, scouts are never used as cannon fodder. Players may use them that way on the tabletop but scouts are the future of every space marine chapter - if they all die, the chapter dies as well. it has always struck me as a little odd that space marines use their greenest recruits to do the job reserved for veterans in every other army. I rationalized it by that itÂ´s a "trial by fire". Those that can handle that job wonÂ´t have any problems as battle-brothers(scouting is considered in real-world armies as by far the most dangerous specialization).