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OK here's a story I've been writing for a while, its very long so I've only put part of it up but if I get some good feedback on it then I'll be sure to post the rest.
Let me know what you think of it, its very graphical and gory (Well parts of it)....
"OK lets move out!" called sergeant kenneally as he grabbed his autogun.
I slung my vox-caster on my back and grabbed my lasgun.
The sergeant got us moving forwards again through the forest surrounding us.
We were on the lookout for a secret Tau outpost but so far we hadn't come across a single Tau. not even the feral kroot creatures they employed were present.
As the trees around us thinned the sergeant slowed our advance.
Suddenly he signalled us to stop and called me forwards.
"Sir?" I said as I knelt next to him behind a fifty foot high version of a Terran oak tree.
"Look over there!" he whispered. I peered carefully in the direction he'd pointed and saw now why we'd stopped.
"Battlesuits!" I exclaimed.
Finally we would get to see some action. It was about time as well, we'd been crawling through these forests for over three days now in search of any sign of a Tau.
"Get me colonel Liebstrasse." ordered the sergeant.
I complied and quickly began the vox-transmission.
"Colonel Liebstrasse, we've spotted Tau battlesuits. They're about seven hundred yards infront of our position. They have? Yes sir! Yes sir we will do sir!"
The vox-transmission ended and the sergeant looked at me grimly.
He raised a knarled hand to silence me.
"The artillary just moved position, they're out of range now, goddam Falconian drivers, that mechanised regiment never has any patience! We're gonna have to assault them battlesuits ourselves!"
This was just great. With seven lasguns, one heavy bolter, a meltagun and the sergeants autogun we weren't going to make more than a few dints on those battlesuits.
Oh well, we had to try, it was our duty, to the Immortal God Emperor, and to our teammates.
"Alright! Lets move!" ordered sergeant Kenneally as he checked his ammo count. I didn't see why. We hadn't fired a shot between us since we'd set out from Nimrod, the local Imperial city where the rest of the army was waiting for our signal.
They'd only sent Blue Platoon so far, we were Aplha squad, I didn't know where the rest of the guys were but we at least seemed to be making some progress.
Private Johansonn moved to the edge of the tree and took very careful aim.
He fired three succesive shots from his meltagun which impacted into the first battlesuits.
The first couple of shots seemed to be absorbed by the armour but the third penetrated, sizzling through thick armour plates and electronic circuits.
The two other battlesuits sprayed the surrounding shrubbary with their burst cannons, killing most of the wildlife.....
It definitely has great potential, but I feel it to be a bit choppy. I understand that this is a very legitimate style, especially in the military genre, but in this case it seems to me to make the work have a somewhat childish feel. Even reformating the story into paragraphs would help this, but again that is only my oppinion. You definitely know your storyline, which is often the trickiest part of the writing process. Perhaps expanding the details would help, but in this case in may detract from the feel of the work. Perhaps it's just me, but I don't feel the inspiration quite yet. I would definitely like to see more, however, as that might add to the experience. 5/10 for now...
Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely...
but it rocks absolutely, too!
Originally Posted by Rhodeta
Well thankyou, I'll be sure to come back later this week and post the next part of the story.