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Well, I posted this in concepts and ideas because the story is not done yet, I'll post more as I get it done... Here is the first part.
Oberleutnant Rytek von Morrel blinked to get the dust out of his eyes as he stood uncomfortably in his dugout meant for eight, with a capacity for ten, now holding twelve. Then the shelling stop. Now, the traitors sometimes like to stop and then start up again, luring the unwary Imperial troops out of their dugouts, and then start again. But, if they stayed in too long they could be over run. He had to choose now. the Emperor favours the brave Rytek thought to himself as he shouted, "Every one out! Now! Go!" Being in the back he had to wait for the other troopers to file out. Once outside he could hear the deranged shouts and howells of the Khorne worshippers charging. Goodhe thought, we won't die just yet. Looking down either direction of the trench was awe-inspiring and saddening at the same time. Awe-inspiring because of the sheer destruction wrecked by what was once human, and saddening because it took a longtime and hard work to build the entrenchments, and remaking them was not a happy prospect. Then he noticed that by some miracle the Heavy Bolter was still standing. "Get your lazy Emperor-forsaken arses over to that gun now! In case you haven't noticed, we're being attacked!" Nodding and looking a bit embarrassed at not doing this on their own, two men dropped their autoguns and took their positions on the main gun. "Here they come" Rytek whispered to himself as the improvised heavy bolter crew opened fire.
The action will be in the next, what I guess paragraph.
Monday, April 11th, 2005
Well, no one is commenting so here is some more...
As the bolter shots hit home amongst the oncoming horde, Rytek nearly vomited as he saw what his former comrades had become since the last assault. A horde of howling, dripping mutated scum. He noticed one with two heads, another without skin, muscles glistening with blood, another with arms far too large for it's body, and any without any physical mutation look crazed with bloodshot eyes and an obvious craving for carnage showing in their eyes. Face twisted in disgust at these men - no, beasts now - he opened fire in full automatic, they we close enough and enough in number that he could not miss now. "Get ready, fix bayonets!" Rytek shouted, out of force of habit more than need, most of the men kept their bayonets on at all time these days. Then his clip emptied, not enough time to reload, he took the time to get in a good close quarters combat stance. Then the first one was in the trench, howling and flailing all of it's arms in a blind rage. Ducking one clumsy swipe with a meat hook and dodging another from it's bear fist, he stabbed in it's ribs right where it's harts should be. Unfortunately, this one's mutation made it so it's heart was either protected or moved. Stuck now, Rytek was hit hard with the full force of the beast, and slammed hard into the trench wall. Then everything went black and he heard familiar voices, though he could not make out what they were saying...
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Here's some more for yas
Rytek woke with a start and sat bolt upright. Good he thought t was a dream. Then he felt pain explode in his head and he fell down on his pillow again. Putting his hand to his head he felt the bandage, then, looking around he noticed he was in a hospital. Well he thought when the pain died down I guess it was not a dream... Sitting up slowly this time he looked around, and then he wished he hadn't. Every one was dead, there were soldiers, autoguns still in hand, lying dead every where, any patients that had not escaped were mutilated. I guess they thought I was dead... he thought. Suddenly he noticed he was wet. He looked down, dreading the site because he new what it was. Blood. That was why they had thought he was dead. He yanked the tubes from his arms, not wanting to stay in the hospital any longer, and slowly stood, swinging his legs out of his bed. After he had steadied himself and stood without holding onto his bed he took a step forward, and fell. After a minute or so he got back up, and tried again, this time succeeding. He walked over to the corpse of a guard, military training taking over. I need a weapon he thought as he grabbed an autogun and checked it's clip. Full he thought, bemused at first, then realizing he never got a shot off... Walking over to the exit he noticed for the first time he was underground. Must be a forward medicade... he thought as he climbed the steps, walking around or stepping over dead bodies. Once he stepped outside, oddly enough the first thing he noticed was that he felt a draft, then remember he was still in his patients gown, and that he was still soaking wet in blood.
"Well," he said to himself, surveying the area "I seem to be in deep ****". The damn traitors had stormed their positions, and possibly broke through the lines. What ever the case, they had pushed the Imperial forces so far back he could not even hear gunfire. "Well, this will be a doosy" he said to himself trying to brake the eerie calm and stay his nerves "all I have to do is go possibly miles to my own lines, if they still exist, while avoiding capture, eating whatever wilde life there still is in the area, and to top it all off do it in a patients gown, wonderful". No sense staying here talking to myself he thought, and then set off.
Monday, April 18, 2005
As he picked his way through the trenches he checked the dead for pants size. Normally he would not consider it, but it was getting dark and cold... Finally he found a pair "Well," he mumbled to himself "I'm a size 36, but a 38 will do fine..."
Climbing out of a dugout he looked down either side of the trench, as he started to climb up over the top, he froze. Just then a pack of four traitors started arhuing. I can't belive I didn't hear them earlier he thought to himself as he postioned himself so he looked dead. As they cam closer Rytek started to have doubts They'll know I'm alive, surly their chaos gods will have granted them powers too- then one of them stepped on him as it walked by, word so twisted by it's deformity that Rytek could not undestand what it said. It's weight was rediculous, it seemed like it weighed a megaton.
Trying not to make a noise Rytek waited untill he could not hear them any more before wheezing in pain and coughing up blood. "Oh **** my ribs" he coughed. Using his autogun as a crutch he hauled himself to his feet, and climbed up the wall of the trench again. Sprinting from crater to crater Rytek realised how badly he had been hurt, and his recent encounter had not helped in the least.
As he walked by a dugout he heard buzzing an whirring. Then a static-full voice "...Ome in th... s Zed one eight six do... ppy? Is any on... ere?" Rytek rushed down as fast as he could toget to the radio maybe then can send a valkery to pick me up he thought. Then he tripped, he had been a bit too hasty to get down to the radio. When he fell he tucked and rolled then got on his knees and picked up the radio. "This is Oberliutnant Rytek von Morrel I read you!" he cried nearly breaking into tears he was so happy.
"Oh thank the Emp... I thought I was alo... end any transpot? I'm hidin... out in an abandoned warhou... in the factory distric... here are the co-" "What?!" Rytek yelled. "You, you're by yourself? Where is command, what happened?"
"****" the man on the other end said "...our not reenforcements? ... uck, I'm **** ed"
Face twisted in disgust at these men - no, beasts now - he opened fire in full automatic, they we close enough and enough in number that he could not miss now.
It looks like you have a good story started here. I like the "in the trenches" account. I think there are some spots where the sentences appear disjointed, but I could still follow it, and you may have been going for a more hectic account. I thought maybe you were looking for a frantic pace, since Rytek is "living" the story as opposed to telling it.
Check out this one part:
"Face twisted in disgust at these men - no, beasts now - he opened fire in full automatic, they we close enough and enough in number that he could not miss now. "
Be careful that you are writing the story in the same person, maybe try to avoid mixing two "persons" in one sentence. Above it seems as though its third person ("Face twisted in disgust...") then shifts to first person, like hes thinking this to himself ("...he could not miss now")
Its cool, can't wait to read more! Hope this helps!
Lower/Lesser rating always ships first!