Welcome to Librarium Online!
Join our community of 80,000+ members and take part in the number one resource for Warhammer and Warhammer 40K discussion!
Registering gives you full access to take part in discussions, upload pictures, contact other members and search everything!
Need help. I had a start but scrapped it.
Pvt. Montano had been separated from his squadron when he set sights on a Boltgun dug half into the snow, bearing the golden ferocity of the mark of the Imperial Eagle. Intrigued by this, he quickly crept out of the marching platoon, who were on their way to intercept the Tyranid onslaught. But, at the time, Montano knew not of how foolish this was. Montano placed his frost-bitten hands around the Boltgun, and his eyes seemed to light up. And then, in the blink of an eye, he appeared to have slipped, hitting his head firm on the cushioning snow. He was still conscious â€“ just. He was then dragged by the rope lasso now wrapped around his right ankle. The other end of the strong rope was in a cave, being held by Lucian Larkin, an ex- Wolf Guard of the 6th Company Space Wolves, demoted for brutally murdering his comrade for events I dare not speak of.
Larkin dragged in the rope, only to the delight of two abnormally large wolves next to him.
â€œTextbook.â€? Muttered Larkin.
The wolves were now panting, staring at Montanoâ€™s pale white face.
â€œEat â€˜im â€˜nâ€™ Iâ€™ll eat yer in return.â€? Bellowed Larkin to the two wolves, who had a look of disappointment in their eyes. Larkin stood up, and winked evilly at Pvt. Montano, turned around, and walked deeper into cave, bearing an unusual limp. Montano looked as if he had been impaled. The look of fright on his face was unforgettable â€“ he was so pale he looked dead. But unfortunately for him â€“ he was still alive â€“ and this was all too real.
Larkin knelt down, and picked up some rations, and some firewood. He stood back up, apparently in pain, and limped back to the cave mouth. Montano deliberately avoided eye contact with Larkin, but the ex- Wolf Lord acknowledged this. Montano managed to whisper, â€œD-D-Dâ€™you th-think the Emp--â€œ
â€œSCREW THE EMPEROR!â€? Screamed Larkin as he ripped open the ration packet. He handed the Guardsman the rations.
â€œC-c-cold steak.. yum!â€? Murmured Montano, sarcastically.
â€œIf you donâ€™t want it my pupsâ€™d sooner gulp it down.â€?
â€œNo.. Iâ€™m greatful.. h-honest.â€?
All comments, suggestions and critisism welcome. I've just started - nowhere near to being finished.
A few things, don't shorten Private. It's better to call them by the full name than to have an abreviation and even more so when it starts the story off. Also are IG called Privates? Or are they called Trooper? I suggest you look it up to be sure, better to have a smooth running story before someone picks up on it.
The bit where the trooper leaves the coloum, I'd say this is a bit too unrealistic. At some point he would have been spotted as missing and more than likely a commander would have seen him leave the marching men.
The lasso, I think this also takes a lot of imagining. A space wolf would have easily caught him without a lasso and the fact that the IG just lies there and allows himself to be dragged across the snow without raising the alarm or firing his weapon is too much to believe - IMO.
Space Marines don't get demoted. As a wolf Guard he probably would have been shipped off to a shrine world out of the way and forgotten by the chapter (ala Ragnar in Wolf Blade). Again it just seems a bit out of place for a warrior such as a Space Marine to capture an IG then sit there and eat a meal with him.
My comments. Take them as you will.
Thanks - alot. That's some rock hard, needed criticism.
I'll see what I can dig up, and make it more realistic - well, believable -.
Thanks KU, I'll have a go at re-writing it.
I have to agree too, a Space Marine probably wouldn't get demoted, especially a Wolf Guard. These are the most trusted and honored among the Space Wolves. Then again, maybe the Curse of the Wulfen got the best of him....
I agree with KU, try to get some more realistic actions with them. Of course this is just your start, can't wait to see more!
Last edited by FistofManheim; July 30th, 2005 at 19:07. Reason: typo
Lower/Lesser rating always ships first!
Thanks. I'll get this re-written/more posted soon, if I can.Originally Posted by FistofManheim