The Early Dawn - Warhammer 40K Fantasy

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Thread: The Early Dawn

  1. #1
    I AM CAN HAS CHEESEBURGER bonjordo's Avatar
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    Jan 2005
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    60 (x2)

    The Early Dawn

    A glacial breeze rolled softly along the shores of Naggaroth. Yeurl was up, ready to embark with his fellow corsairs on the journey to Lustria. Soft rain lazly slumped out of the clouds, hitting the ground with a portly sound. The icy breeze had chilled his armour, making it bite his skin at its touch. Yeurl grabbed at his sword, for no reason, and swung it in a karta of death. "Sharp" he assumed to himself.

    The venerable ship's hull rocked gently on the water. They had yet to take off. Thats when the first arrow was loosed at them.

    The projectile rushed through the air at a tremendous velocity. Yeurl turned to face it. It was heading straight for his head. With a sophisticated sweep, he drew his sword and swung it deftly in a circle. The missles head had bounced off the cold steel. All his fellow corsairs looked to him in suprise. they then wrapped there dragon cloaks around them self. they seemed to be sheathed, like a dagger in a scabbard.

    A voluminous amount of arrows curved through the sky towards the corsairs. Many richocheted off the durable dragon skin, however the ill-fated were pierced by the projectiles.

    Yeurl lept off the boat, in to shallow water. He then sanely came to the conclusion that the former residents of Naggaroth had returned to claim it. the shadow warriors where here...

    A rune burned upon the forearm of Yeurl. it was the rune of khaine, which had been etched into his skin by the Witch elves of Khaine. He lost grip on his pysche.
    He rushed forward, with bows peppering the space around him with arrows. He twisted his body, enveloping his body in the dragon skin veil. He was saved.
    Now only 12 feet from the Shadow Warriors, he lept forward. He vehemently swung his swords around his body. Warm blood seeped from the Shadow Warriors bodys. It had only begun...

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  3. #2
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    Feb 2005
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    37 (x1)

    Interesting story.

    A few spelling errors and grammatical mistakes. A bit of confusion with homophones and perhaps a bit of neglect in capitalisation. Try to proof read - it helps a lot. But techincal-wise, the story was certainly legible. I had a bit of trouble understanding in which direction the story was going, however as it seemed somewhat... fast and quick... almost random. In my opinion, the story needs a bit more flowing to it, as the sentences seem to run too fast in my brain for me to comprehend the information that I should be receiving.

    Otherwise, a pretty good story overall, deserving of recognition.
    Last edited by Schmeag; December 4th, 2005 at 11:53.

  4. #3
    The Dvl in Pale Moonlight danceman's Avatar
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    are they about to sail out or have they reached their location?
    shallow waters should imply a rather small ship, right?
    that part is abit fuzzy, where are they docked?

    its a nice start, but could use some more painting of the surrounding and so on.

    cheers dancey
    ""What's the matter? Don't ya like clowns? Don't we make ya laugh?" - Captain Spaulding.

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