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Options available to an Inquisitor, up to and including Exterminatus, and the opportunities a good and loyal citizen has of surviving Inquisitorial Review as described by Josephus Purgamentum, Veteran Loyal Imperial Janitor.
Greetings fellow loyal citizen, and May the eternal light of the Emperor shine upon you so to keep dark thoughts from your mind and fill your heart with adoration of the Golden Throne. I am Josepheus Purgamentum, Veteran Loyal Janitor, potentially the only non-servitor to ever have served in every branch of our Emperors armed services including the Adeptus Astarte, and currently following with mop and bucket behind the retinue of Inquisitor Squachem Al’ Flattar.
I have seen much of the workings of our glorious Emperors forces, looking after their rubbish and attending to the Administoriums prescribed rituals for tidying. In my time I have seen many of the processes and traditions of mankind at work. Today dear fellow servants I will humbly endeavor to describe for you the dread workings of Inquisitorial review, with an eye toward helping the loyal survive.
Selection and the hunt for Heretics:
The whole process begins, as far as I can tell when an Inquisitor chooses a planet for review. If your planet has so much heresy of the soul (chaos worship) or heresy of the flesh (mutation) or heresy of the mind (psychers) that it merits an Inquisitorial visit then you are already as they say “In the warp without a navigator.” Mind you, none of these things may actually exist on your planet. Inquisitors engage in private meetings and deep prayer to the Emperor where they study maps of the various Segmentum. The Emperor will eventually bless the Inquisitor with insight by sending a sign. For example, the Inquisitor may spill some coffee on the map in a manner that leaves a splash pattern that points like an arrow at your home-world. This is clearly Divine Imperial guidance, and the coffee must then be followed. The Inquisitor may be blessed with the inspired insight that a planetary name like “Wheat Growing Planet 31423945” is clearly Chaos code meant to direct all worshipers of the ruinous powers to congregate within the amber waves of it’s heresy. Dear readers, even if you are actually all good and loyal citizens you are still very likely going to face excruciation. As the Inquisition teaches us all “Innocence proves nothing.”
Observed by the Faith’s Defenders: When your home world is selected.
The Inquisition does follow a distinct method in carrying out the Emperors work, and knowing something about that method may keep you alive to continue your service to the Lord of Mankind. Inquisitorial responses vary depending on what heresy they find, and how widespread that heresy is.
Small Scale Heresy-
It is possible your planet harbors unlicensed psychers on a small scale. In fact, your best hope is that the Inquisitors have just brought their Black ships to your world to claim all the psychers. By psychers, I mean everyone from your great aunt who’s gimp knee tells her when rain is coming to your neighbor Bob who condemned himself when he guessed the right lottery number. All such vile magicians and psychers will be plugged into the Emperors golden throne and die horrible deaths as the majestic machines of the Priesthood of Mars absorb their very souls to keep the Corpus Imperialus, be it ever blessed, in stasis. The Emperor does have a thousand-soul-a-day habit, so chances are good a Black ship will land once during your lifetime. General recommendation: don’t play the lottery.
It is possible your planet harbors Chaos Cults on a small scale. Usually these cults do not typically arise among the good honest working folk who pour themselves into their tasks and with their sweat and blood worship the Emperors greatness. Usually it is the wealthy and powerful who have strayed from the flock. Sure signs that the Governor has been dabbling in Chaos cult activity include: registering with unapproved self help groups, moving up to fast in the Administorium, or looking at the Inquisitor with anything other then abject supplication. If any of these factors exist on your world, the local planetary governor and his staff are about to be slaughtered by an Eversor Assassin.
You, good servant may be in luck because all you have to do I make sure you don’t work in the same building as the Governor. Imperial Assassins are subtle. Meaning they slaughter hundreds of people and usually do not blow up city blocks to do it. All you have to do is stay out of the way. General hints, don’t accept any promotions that involve a desk job in the governors service.
It is possible your planet harbors mutants on a small scale. You could catch a break here if the Inquisitor is researching a localized mutation. Some useful mutations are allowable, like Ogryns for example. However the most likely situation is that all of your neighbors who work in the Emperors experimental munitions plant will find that their service is rewarded with fire, and lots of it. My advice is, if the neighbors kid wants to show you a neat trick involving his 3rd arm, say no, go to the local temple and tell on little Billy yourself. You might get some extra rations. General hints: Avoid glowing neighbors; Say no, go and tell.
Moderate Scale Heresy-
I must say, my fellow loyal servant that if there is a moderate scale of mutation, psychic activity or cult following on your planet, your chances have gone from few to very few. Your chances are in fact directly related to what military units are available for the Inquisitor to call upon. Since that is the case, let us review the different armed forces fielded by the Imerigum and what options may present themselves in each case.
Inquisitorial Troops – Most Inquisitors maintain a small unit of loyal retainers that they have drafted from various worlds. This unit will be highly specialized and tuned to suit the Inquisitors preferences. The good news is that these units tend to look for specific groups of people like Cultists who are bold enough to identify themselves or cabals of mutants living in sewers. Your best bet here is to go to your home, pray to the Emperor and hide in the closet. If the Inquisitor knocks, make sure you are wearing every bit of Imperial regalia you have. If you we employee of the month at the freeze dried broccoli factory, wear that ribbon on your chest. If the emperor favors you, the Inquisitor will just ask you if you have see or heard anything useful. My recommended answer is “Gunfire, that way!”
If the Inquisitor is particularly vengeful even when compared to his fellow inquisitors, he may keep arco-flagellants in his personal arsenal. Arco-flagellation is a punishment by which a heretic is given over to the Priests of Mars and engineered into a nightmare of berserk rage and flailing weaponry. Should they be released in your neighborhood, you will find your loyalty tested by ordeal. The test is simple; those neighbors too weak of mind and spirit to escape were obviously heretics. If the Emperor grants you the strength and agility to fling others into the path of the arco-flagellant thus slowing it down while it ravages the flesh of the guilty, then you obviously are a loyal citizen and those who fell received their due punishment. General hints: stay limber.
Adeptus Sororitas – These fine women are the Emperors angry messengers of flame. They like fire, a lot. If your planet relies on wood as building material get yourself close to a body of water. There will be Sisters and Priests and ‘penitents’ a-plenty riding over the hills with flame throwers and the Emperors holy word. If you live in a brick and mortar city, or if no bodies of water are nearby, your next best bet is to take refuge in a temple. The Sisters will likely have their field hospital and logistic support based there. This is not your first choice for 2 reasons. First, sometimes temples are where the Chaos cultists are hiding. If you are so unlucky to stumble into these deluded fools attack them. If you don’t they might take their time killing you. The second reason has to do with the Emperors daughters themselves. Before you take refuge with them you should be prepared with the knowledge that a conversation with a Sister of Battle is not like any other conversation you have ever had.
Have you ever has an argument with an angry woman? Have you ever had an argument with an angry woman who is celibate? Have you ever had an argument with an angry woman who is celibate, and lives with 300 other women? Have you ever had an argument with an angry woman who is celibate, lives with 300 other women, and knows for a fact that the Emperor is on her side? Have you ever had an argument with an angry woman who is celibate, lives with 300 other women, knows for a fact that the Emperor is on her side, and is armed with a flame thrower? I rest my case.
The correct answer to any question asked by a Sister is “I ask humbly for your wisdom and guidance.”
Practice with these sample questions:
“Where are you taking those medical supplies?”
“How do I know you’re not a cultist?”
“How it is that the Emperor is God, yet has a body?”
“Who is prettier, Sister Agnes or Sister Florence?”
“Does this armor make me look fat?”
Special Note: Penitent Engines
It is quite possible that a Penitent Engine will accompany the Sisters or Inquisitorial troops. You will know a Penitent Engine on sight. If the local temple organ grew limbs and began to eat someone, it would look much like a Penitent Engine. Such engines share many of the qualities of Arco-flagellants, however in this case they are mechanized and armored.
Imperial Guard: the Hammer of the Emperor.
If you are large enough a planet to host a guard regiment, and that regiment is judged loyal by the Inquisitor, you may be in luck. So long as the guardsmen well outnumber the heretics, they may avoid using tanks. If the guard does use tanks, stay behind them. It is possible that the heretics outnumber the guard, or that the heretics are shamefully disguising themselves as loyal servants. If either one of these things is true; enlist immediately in the guard and tell them you know how to scribe using the Emperors Gothic on approved word-engines. You will be kept in the back lines counting earth-shaker rounds and tank treads for the rest of your life, but you’ll be alive.
If your planet does not have it’s own regiment, say goodbye to any major city. Troops who are not locals have no reason to risk themselves preserving a city when the vast artillery of the guard can just level everything. Your only hope is that the guard unit command squad is full of shrewd administrators who know that the Emperors guardsmen cost the less then the Emperors fuel and artillery shells.
If you are in a city and it is invaded by the guard on foot, look for a red uniform. That will be a Commissar. Tell that Commissar that his fearless example has inspired you and that you wish to enter the service right then and there to follow him into battle for the Emperors glory. He will probably shoot you in the face, but you were going to be shot in the face anyway. Your typical grunt guardsmen knows he is damn lucky to be the one holding the rifle, and is not going to risk anything trying to figure out if you were loyal. The Commissar’s ego might just be stoked enough that he hands you a rifle and lets you die in service to the Emperor. I am afraid I cannot offer any “survival” option in this particular scenario. General Hints: If the guard is coming, sign up and die later rather then sooner.
Adeptus Astarte: The Emperors Finest. Each Chapter of the Space Marines is a unique unit with it’s own traditions and style of fighting. There leadership is varied even within a chapter and the type of leader can effect the mindset of the squads in the field. I’ll get into more details, but first let’s cover some basics that are true of all Space Marines.
A Space Marine is about 9 feet tall, does not sleep, spits acid, can bite through most metal, is immune to most toxins, and will live hundreds of years. This is important to get in your head now, because their appearance can be very surprising first time you see one. In the panic of an attack, you could easily think that the Emperors finest were warp spawned monsters. If you say something like that aloud within range of their super human hearing, you will not survive. Space Marine Chapters are religious orders of brothers who worship the Emperor and are celibate much as the sisters are. Marines are however focused on warfare, and probably will not give you a third degree interrogation about the fine points of the worship of the Emperor. (Exceptions to the rule being the any chapters Chaplin, or any Dark Angles. details are covered below.)
Now if you are so fortunate as to have been born on a planet within a specific Chapters protectorate, you may survive cleansing. Most Chapters take a paternal attitude toward their feeder worlds. Some sergeants or even commanders could have been born on your world a couple of hundred years ago. Even if there is no familial bond, a practical marine commander knows where his bread gets it’s butter and where his bolter gets its rounds. No Chapter wants to run short of supply. It is whispered that the Space Marines do not appreciate the assistance of the Inquisition on planets within their Chapters protectorate. Only a vile fool would speak such words aloud, or attempt to benefit from an imagined schism between the Inquisition and the Adeptus Astarte. Only a base and filthy heretic would think that greeting the Marines as returning heroes whenever they land on the planet would effect the Marines willingness to assist the Inquisition.
If you are not in a protectorate and the Marines are on the way, things are about to get messy. The Inquisition does not like to have to cede a battle over to the Adeptus Astarte, so Inquisitors only call Marines for problems too big for either the Inquisition or the Sisters to manage. If you planet has a guard regiment gone rebel, or if your planet has significant defenses, you can expect the Inquisitors to call the Marines. The Marines, once called, will “Cleanse” the world. A process only one step short of Exterminatus itself. A loyal citizen has a virgin’s chance on a prison planet of surviving a cleansing. Those limited chances are created by the quirks of the Marine Chapters themselves. Let us discuss some well known chapters in order to know how best to receive them upon arrival.
Ultramarines: “The Boys in Blue” – Ultramarines love rules. They have rules for every aspect of every waking and sleeping moment of every day. If the Ultramarines are coming, or have begun landing, your first step is to read your planets disaster planning document to find out where you were supposed to evacuate to. If your governor is too lazy or stupid to have written a plan; write one yourself, and transmit it to the Ultramarines as they are landing. (Cite Administorium rule 3.412.1101.d-j05 for emergency submission of emergency plans without clearance.) If you get to a safe zone and the Ultramarines do not cleanse you, stay there and follow rules. If the enemy breaches the defenses, you will still look both ways before you run across the street to flee their advance. Any derivation from the rule might be seen as heresy and get you shot.
If you did not follow a disaster plan, real or invented, expect to be run over by blue rhino transports.
Space Wolves: The Emperors Ale-hounds – If the Space Wolves are coming, start killing and cooking livestock. Find any and all ale and spirits on the planet, starting with the best you have. Cook the livestock in the second rate ale. Do not worry about finding the Space Wolves, when the get the scent of the meat and beer they will find you. It may sound daft to begin such preparations during a war, but I tell you that even if shrapnel is falling into the cooking pot you must follow these instructions. If you have done as I suggest, when the first of the Wolves find you they will be greatly pleased. All that remains for you is to survive the friendly bear-hugs of hungry and over enthusiastic 9 ft tall and armored titans.
If you do not do as I described, you will find that all of your best food and ale will be consumed anyway, and the Wolves will feel no need to be careful where they swing their axes or fire their shells.
If you are in a city that the wolves attack, do not try to hide. They will either kill you for sneaking or kill you for being a coward. Hold onto a makeshift club and set yourself as if you are stalking the enemy. They might laugh at your pathetic moxie and point you to the back lines.
Blood Angles: The Angles are famous for being so angry that they will leave perfectly good cover and run at the enemy whether it makes sense to or not. Avoid these marines at all costs. If you seem afraid of them, they will get angry at you. If you do not seem afraid of them, they will get angry at you. You really do not have a good chance of surviving if they land, hiding is your only option.
Dark Angles: Priests in Space! – The Dark Angles are as obsessed with the worship of the Emperor as the Sisters are; Dark Angles just use less fire and more bolter rounds. Dark Angles are not creative with their punishments like the Sisters are. Usually the will just look at you, pass judgment, shoot and move on. If you are judged innocent, you will be pointed to the back lines and ignored for the rest of the battle. The Dark Angles have no interest in innocent people. The only exception to the shoot-or-ignore rule is if you are discovered by a Dark Angles Chaplin.
If a Chaplin finds you before you have requested rescue you are probably done for. The Chaplin will not kill you quickly. In fact, the Chaplin will make is seem like he may not kill you at all. The Chaplin will ask you questions, just like a Sister would. However unlike the Sisters, a Dark Angles Chaplin will not accept practiced subservient answers. A Chaplin asks his questions in order to find the “TRUTH.” I capitalize all the letters of that word, because when a Chaplin uses the word truth, he uses it in such a way that you know he means for it to be written in capitol letters.
It has been said that there is a sure way to gain the aid of the Dark Angles. If you can, get yourself to a Comm-station, and let the Dark Angles know that you have fallen, and what your location is. Apparently the DA have an ardent passion for rescuing those who have fallen. It is reported that if they hear that someone has fallen, that they will as a unit abandon all other pursuits until the fallen person is rescued and delivered safely to the Chaplin.
Exterminatus: the end of days.
It is possible, that your planet may someday be so rife with heresy, to be home to such a dangerous threat, or be so out of favor with the authorities on Terra that the Inquisitor has few options but to call for “Exterminatus Totalis.”
Exterminatus is exactly what it sounds like; you and everyone else on the planet are going to die. One must not fret however, because one will never be caught by Exterminatus unaware. On an advanced world, the first thing you will notice is news reports that a detachment of the Imperial Fleet has dropped out of the Immaterium in your solar system. If your planet is not a typical refueling depot for the Emperors cruisers, the arrival of the fleet should be a dead give-away that something is horribly wrong. The next clue, for those planets advanced enough to be effected; the fleet will shoot every space borne craft that is not part of the fleet into a million bits of scrap. Next, they will take out any orbiting satellites. Finally they will destroy any aircraft that remain within the planets atmosphere. You see, if the Emperor’s fuel and munitions are to be spent exterminating all life on a planet it would not do to allow any living being to escape from that planet. You may be wondering, with all of the communications satellites for a planet destroyed, how is it that the populace will have warning as this essay has mentioned they will.
You may otherwise have wondered, “what of agri-worlds or world possessed only of feudal levels of technology? How are they to now of the coming doom?”
My friend and good citizen, you are underestimating the showmanship of the Inquisition.
A doomed world is visited by a swarm of skeletal-mechanical cherubs which were created for the Inquisition by the Tech-Presits specifically for this purpose: to announce Armageddon on a world that is doomed and adjudged. Then the skies fill with cloud, as Inquisition ships hover in the upper reaches of the atmosphere to allow there planetary PA system to pronounce thunderous condemnation to all.
Good Servant, in such a case survival is not a serious consideration. Find a comfortable spot and greet the Emperor as you see fit.
That my good and loyal fellow servants is my advice for all of you who would seek to survive Inquisitorial review and persist in your service to the Emperor. As time progresses, if my master, Inquisitor Squachem Al’ Flattar, sees fit to give me time away from my core duties I will return to the pen and share with you guidance on how to survive invasion by various Xenos.
By his light we are all guided,
Loyal Veteran Imperial Janitor
Einherjar! The chosen slain!
We Die Armed! We Await Russ!
Venerable Dreadnaught amoung the
It is like the 3rd or 4th draft. Any slow spots?
Einherjar! The chosen slain!
We Die Armed! We Await Russ!
Venerable Dreadnaught amoung the
Absolutely brilliant, I laughed a good part of the way through. I can't wait to see what you do for a Xeno survival guide.
Oh, and would you mind If I sent this to a couple of friends, I know they would get a laugh out of this but unfortunatly do not frequent librarium.
Also, welcome to the Boards. I noticed you also posted in the Sons of Russ clan board, planning on joining?
Thats a lot of fragmented questions and comments but hey, I'm a bit of a scatter brain.
Gargrimz Green Deff
W:10 D:4 L:5
Glad t hear it. You can pass this on to your friends. Please credit Wotan Glad-of-War as author. I don't care if people imitate the style, but I plan to resuse Josephus as my narrator.Originally Posted by Morkai
Oh, and yes I've joined the Sons of Russ, but I have ot changed the sig yet.
Einherjar! The chosen slain!
We Die Armed! We Await Russ!
Venerable Dreadnaught amoung the
Well written and entertaining.
I look forward to seeing more of Josephus, loyal imperial janitors 'behind the scenes' narration.
"No one has a monopoly on wisdom."-S.W.G.
Fluff Master Clan initiate.
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."-A.E.
"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."-C.
New 40K missions here.
Awesome piece of writing, thatâ€™s all I can say. Absolutely brilliant! More of that, please!
Oh, and welcome to the forum. Please let me know if I can be of help, and feel free to contact me with any questions or comments that might occur to you. You seem to have things under control though. Good job. ^_^
"Girls are nice and cuddly on the outside, and freaky on the inside." ~ Lost Nemesis.
Yes, very droll. Borderline excellent, in my book in fact. :yes:
(Was gonna haul you up for the thought-crime of spelling Blood Angels as ANGLES, but I am prepared to let it go this once in the spirit of tomfoolery).
I look forward to your future contributions, and more power to your elbow, Sir. :shifty:
Ryan Dancey, Vice President of Wizards of the Coast, believed that TSR failed because of "...a near total inability to listen to its customers, hear what they were saying, and make changes to make those customers happy." Are you listening, Games Workshop ?