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Explosions shaking the ground, machine-guns rattiling, rifles fireing, the wounded screaming out in pleas for help. All the usual sounds of a battle feild. Just the same, Yarren was still not used to it. No matter how many battles he was in he never got used to it. All this went throught his mind in a second, as he made a dash for the next closest crator. Landing hard, Yarren heard a disgusting squelch as he landed. As he had suspected, he landed on a dead body. Or what was left of one, only the head and torso remained. Just then the machine-guns stopped, he counted to three, then leapt out of the trench, when he was running he saw that this was the last one until he reached the barbed wire. Jumping head-first into the shell-hole, he landed arms covering his helmeted head. Rolling over he pulled out hs knive, and took a small bit of his bully beef and used it to stick a mirror he maneged to keep un-broken to his knive. Slowly, he stuck the mirror up and positioned it so that he could see the enemy trenches. Unforunatly, the bombardment faild to remove the barbed wire form this section. Yarren panelled the make shift parescope so that he could see the nearest clearing. The way he calculated it it wouldbe a 10 second sprint, and he would end up right next to a machine-gun position. Taking in a deep breath he took the mirror off and stuck it back into it's pouch that it had stayed safe in for so long.
He stuck his head up just high enugh for him to see if the coast was clear. Quickly ducking back down he readied himself for when they changed the belts of the heavy bolter. There! He jumped up quickly, running as fast as he could toward the opening in the barbed wire. He saw no one else and hoped that he wasn't the last on left alive. The thought of making an assault with only hinself played itself out in his head as he ran, all possibliltys ending badly for him.
As he got closer to the opening the Heavy bolter resumed firing, although he was too close for them to see him. Finally, after what seemed an hour of running, he made it to the opening. Befor he went in he pulled a grenade out of his bandoleir and, after pulling the fuse. lobbed it into the trench. A second later the sound of an explosion followed by a seies of screams assailed his ears. Without waisting time he leaped into the trench, Autogun blazing in full automatic. His blind firing managed to kill all the heritics that he had wounded with his grenade. Breathing a sigh of releif, He changed his now spent clip and urried down the trench toward the machinegun position he saw earlyer.
Tell me what you think, this is part two of the Yarren stories. (The first was "Reclaiming the Krieg colonies") Any feed back would be nice!
...So no one likes thids or what...? if no one likes it I won't post the other part of the story, I won't be offended, I just don't want to make an un liked post no one will read.
I do like it! Though I have some criticisms.You don't have to say "Just the same" and "still." It sounds awkward. Maybe remove "Just the same" and replace it with "still."Just the same, Yarren was still not used to it.All what? Maybe you should add a couple more thoughts to lengthen his... thinking, I guess.All this went throught his mind in a secondYou don't have to say "landing" twice.Landing hard, Yarren heard a disgusting squelch as he landed.Break this up into smaller sentences. You may want to replace "when" with "as." And do you mean he was the last one?Just then the machine-guns stopped, he counted to three, then leapt out of the trench, when he was running he saw that this was the last one until he reached the barbed wire.This whole thing sounds awkward. Don't say "un-broken;" maybe you could try:Rolling over he pulled out hs knive, and took a small bit of his bully beef and used it to stick a mirror he maneged to keep un-broken to his knive.
Rolling over, he pulled out his knife and stuck a mirror onto it, using a small piece of his bully beef.
Hmmm. Still awkward. Oh, well.
And that's bout it, really. There are a lot of instances where spacing a capitalization could be better (wouldbe=would be) and many spelling thingys, but that's ok. I can provide a list here of words so you don't gotta look them up for the final draft.
Failed (maybe just a typo)
its (only use an apostrophe when you're contracting "it is.")
Si em, tow en can de lach.
Tak! Tak! Tak ah wan, Tak a lah!
Mi tow, can de lach.
Mi him, en tow.