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Thread: Comedy.

  1. #1
    Senior Member SilverMane's Avatar
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    This is a story i found on the web.
    It will make your day. :yes:

    Brother Sergeant Marcus hit the dirt as a frag missile exploded behind him, and he heard Brother Jared scream.
    “Are you hit??
    “No, I stubbed my toe on a rock.?
    “You’re wearing power armour!?
    “And yet it still hurt. I’m having a serious talk with that Tech Priest when we get back.?
    Brother Marcus shook his head and turned back to the battle. The Chaos Marines had held out too long, and his men where tiring.
    “Damn it that hurt.?
    Or maybe they were just stupid.
    “All right men, prepare to charge again.?
    “Uh, Sergeant, wouldn’t be better if we didn’t do that??
    “No Brother Samuel, we have to take the enemy position.?
    “Yeah, but they have some really big guns, and we… don’t. Let’s wait for back up.?
    “What did you have in mind??
    “A Titan.?
    Brother Sergeant Marcus smacked Brother Samuel over the head.
    “You’re a marine, damn it. Dying for your Emperor should be an honour.?
    “I can live without honour.?
    Brother Sergeant Marcus ignored the whining of his squad, and began giving them orders.
    “When I give the signal, charge.?
    “That’s the plan? You give the signal, we run headlong into explody death??
    “Brother, if you ever use the word ‘explody’ again, I’ll shoot you.?
    “I was just saying…?
    “In the head.?
    “Ah, got it. Great plan, sir.?
    Brother Sergeant Marcus sighed. They had been fighting together along time. When he was assigned the squad, he thought it would get better. He thought the fires of battle would fix the problem. He was wrong.
    “Ok men, charge!?
    Brother Sergeant Marcus ran through the dust and debris towards the enemy, firing his bolt pistol. Back in the trench, Brother Jared turned to the rest of the squad.
    “Do you think that was the signal??

    Deep within the bunker, Damien stood behind a cultist.
    “Anything on screen??
    “You’re standing right there.?
    “So you can look yourself.?
    “Yes, but that’s not very commanderish of me, is it??
    “I suppose.?
    There was a minute of silence.
    “So, what’s on the screen??
    “That it??
    “Yep. Hang on, it appears they’re attacking again.?
    “How many??
    “Well, that’s not a very good plan.?
    “What course of action do I take??
    “Hmm, any lascannons at the front?
    “Yes sir.?
    “Good. Fire at will.?

    Several bolts of super-laser flew over the Space Marines’ head. In the distance there was a scream.
    “Well that’s that, let’s go home.?
    “We can’t leave him out there.?
    “Sure we can.?
    “No way. Brother Apothecary Denise would have a fit?
    “What kind of a name is Denise? He’s a Space Marine for Emperors sake.?
    “It doesn’t matter. Let’s just rescue Brother Sergeant Marcus and get out of here.?
    “I’ve got a better idea. Let’s leave him to die, and go get drunk.?
    “As the senior member of this squad, I’m taking command.?
    “Oh yeah, well as the… best… most… ah whatever.?
    “Good, now let’s go. On my signal, ok charge!?
    Brother Michael leapt out of the trench.
    “You’d think he would have learnt from last time.?

    “What’s happening now??
    “How about now??
    “Still nothing.?
    “… how about now??
    “Still noth- hang on.?
    “Another Marine is running towards us.?
    “Another one??
    “Hmm, it must be some kind of strategy.?
    “What, throw yourself against a heavily fortified bunker one at a time and hope something happens??
    “No, that would be stupid. They’re obviously using one squad as a distraction, while the rest of the army sneaks around the back for a surprise attack.?
    “But why do they keep sending only one marine??
    “To loll us into a false sense of security.?
    “Yes, it is a cunning plan. But we are prepared.?
    “We are??
    “Yes, yes we are. Activate protocol Theta-Seventeen-Alpha.?
    “What the hell is that??
    “Weren’t you at the pre-battle meeting??
    “Oh, well basically we evacuate the base and blow it up. We can’t let the Space Marines learn what we were doing in here.?
    As he finished the sentence, a Chaos Space Marine carrying an inflatable sheep and a leather whip walked past.
    “We definitely can’t let them find out.?

    Meanwhile, on the other side of the battlefield, a fierce battle was taking place.
    “I’m telling you, ‘the Emperor’ is not a valid move in scissors paper rock.?
    “Sure it is.?
    “Oh yeah, well then I play Horus.?
    “Damn it!?
    “Look you two, arguing over who gets to be Sergeant is getting us no where. We’re Space Marines, damn it, it’s time we acted like it!?
    Brother Steven got to his feet.
    “Where the hell are you going??
    “To kick some serious chaos ass!?
    Brother Steven screamed, and fired his bolter. Then, the bunker exploded. Everyone was silent, until…
    “Damn I’m good!?

    “So I was all like ‘Its go time’…?
    “Shut up.?
    “…and they were all like ‘Oh no, what do we do know…’?
    “I said shut up.?
    “‘…we can’t possibly defeat they great Brother Steven, he is too strong…’?
    “Seriously, shut up.?
    “‘…and also incredibly handsome…’?
    “Shut the warp up!?
    Brother Janus fired a round at Brother Steven, and it ricocheted of his helmet.
    “Hey, you could have hurt me!?
    “That was the point.?
    “Look, it’s not my fault if you’re jealous.?
    “I’m not.?
    “I mean, I did take down an entire chaos fortress single-handedly.?
    “You fired three shots!?
    “That just shows my skill.?
    “Right, that’s it. Brother Samuel, you still got any melta-bombs??

    “We’re ok.?
    “I know that.?
    “Well there isn’t really anything else to report. We destroyed the base, and everyone got out fine. Except Lucious, who couldn’t find his wallet.?
    Damien quickly pocketed a small leather object with an ‘L’ sewn on it.
    “Good, good.?
    “So what do we do now??
    “I don’t know. Sleep??
    “Don’t we have top-secret chaos stuff to do??
    “No, not really.?
    “Really? No prisoners to sacrifice??
    “Oh. Well I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.?
    “I highly doubt it.?
    “And why’s that??
    Damien raised his bolt pistol.
    “Because you’ve served you’re purpose.?
    A dull click rang out through the room.
    “Where are my bullets??
    “We had to sell them for gas.?
    “Oh. Well I guess I will see you tomorrow.?

    The Space Marines continued their trek across the desert world.
    “Where are we going??
    “Why would I know.?
    “Because you’re in front.?
    Brother Janus looked up.
    “Damn it, where’s Brother Marcus??
    “I’m back here.?
    “I was following you!?
    “Well I didn’t know that.?
    “Alright, we need a plan.?
    “Where’s the rest of the Company??
    “I don’t know, they probably left.?
    “No way they’ leave us here!?

    Meanwhile, on the battle barge Swift Demise.
    “I can’t believe we finally got rid of those idiots.?

    “Yeah, they’ll be here somewhere. Probably relocated after we were defeated.?
    “Defeated? I totally owned those chaos chumps! I was like…?
    Brother Janus held up a detonator, and Brother Samuel glanced at the melta-bomb strapped to his chest.
    “As I was saying, we need plan.?

    “Anything new to report??
    “Yeah, apparently Khorne rules.?
    Damien looked over at a disgruntled group of berserkers being forced to scrub blood of the walls.
    “Anything else??
    “According to my readings from the planets surface, a group of Marines are still down there.?
    “Ah, another clever ploy, I would guess. We go down there to investigate, and bam! The rest of them swoop round and get us!?
    “Actually the battle barge has already left orbit. Last night we got a drunken video message from them telling us to buy Nurgle some deodorant.?
    “No, it’s a trap. Those are probably their best Men down there.?

    “Emperor I’m bored. Hey, hand me those grenade so I can practise my juggling. Pull the pins out, they’ll just get in the way.?

    Have i made your day?:yes:

    Quote Originally Posted by Killer Clown
    Aren't we just the popular boy! Your title should read 'stud muffin of LO'!

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  3. #2
    LO's unofficial Jester Visitor Q's Avatar
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    377 (x8)

    Hmmm. No comment.
    "God is dead" Nietzsche- 1886
    "Nietzsche is dead" God- 1900

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  4. #3
    Xuy is offline
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    Quote Originally Posted by Berny Mac
    Hmmm. No comment.
    I think what he means is that...ah...none of these were particularly funny.
    A billion chinese can't be wrong - eat rice.

  5. #4
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    yes you have my good man very nice can you write one for the guard or just keep going, but if you do make a guard on make a catachan/ deathworld one that should be funny to hear the commisar get eaten by something.

  6. #5
    Junior Member Glad-Of-War's Avatar
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    Now let's not be needlessly harsh, there were chuckles in this post.

    Silvermane; my recomendation is that you run alot of these ideas past a live group of people. Just chat about funny 40K mishaps with your gaming group or the guys who haunt the local hobby store game tables. You will sharpen this material up fast with just a bit of colaboration and active feedback. They don't have to know what you are up too.

    One comedy hint... Live by what Mel Brooks said. "Tragedy is if I cut my finger badly chopping vegitables. Comedy is if YOU trip, fall into an open sewer and die."

    Survivers are never as funny as dark red spalt marks.
    Einherjar! The chosen slain!
    We Die Armed! We Await Russ!

    Venerable Dreadnaught amoung the

  7. #6
    LO's unofficial Jester Visitor Q's Avatar
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    Yes sorry I was being slightly harsh, there were one or two funny bits in your post I think my main critisisim would be that it was very long and much of it quite similar. I would include only half or evena quarter of the material you have here and only put the funniest stuff in.
    Comedy is about momentum, funny joke after funny joke means that after a while you can pretty much put anything down and it will be funny whereas if you have to wade through quite tediouis material the funniest parts are lost amongst it all.
    "God is dead" Nietzsche- 1886
    "Nietzsche is dead" God- 1900

    Why are there scams?

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