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Ok, here is my first attempt at writing a short story,(though I plan continue if I get a bit more free time.) Any criticism good or bad would be great!
Grimshank’s Heavy metal boot smashed the door for the third time, finally breaking it open. The Imperial Guard bunker was theirs. It had taken days for the horde to push this far, too long for the warboss’ liking. Grimshank didn’t care though. The exhilaration of combat was enough for him.
He surveyed the Ramshakle structure in front of him. Tables and chairs had been thrown around like child’s toys and there were blast marks and shrapnel all over the place. Whilst they were sneaking around the side, Trusk to tossed in a couple of frag grenades through one of the firing windows.
Grimshank ordered his boys inside the imperial building, totally oblivious of the lack of any guardsmen’s bodies that should have been there.
“You boyz, git over dere an git lootin” Grimshank bellowed. Although he enjoyed the fighting the lads were running low on supplies, and even ammo was in short supply. Three grots hurried over to the corner were there were several large crates stacked high and began searching through them furiously.
Grimshank wandered over to one of the Lasgun mounts at the nearest firing window. The scene outside was pure mayhem. Orks were throwing themselves at the imperial defence, The sounds of screaming barely audible over the revving of engines and Sounds of gunfire.
“Wots dis boss” a small voice piped up from over near the crates. “It sayz, Groin aide” One of the Grots, Grimshanked called him dungbreath, pointed at a crate marked with the imperial Eagle the other two were trying to pry the lid off, when a small disk shaped object slid out. “Ooooh Koinz” the grot exclaimed! And flicked the metallic object into the air, making it click as it did so. “koinz dunt klik” the dungbreath complained.
Grimshank Threw himself to the floor, attempting to position a table between himself and the foolish grot. Dungbreath realised his mistake just as the explosion ripped through the bunker….
Last edited by Artemic; April 26th, 2006 at 08:42.
“It sayz, ‘Inperinal Elighte Issue Fermentation Groin aide”
Now this has a chance to be really funny. Less run up on the joke is required.
Shorten to "itz sez 'Groin-aid' boss." and run with it from there.
You have good pace for an early draft. Get the rest of the story out on paper and play with it for a while. From what I see, you have a good knack.
Einherjar! The chosen slain!
We Die Armed! We Await Russ!
Venerable Dreadnaught amoung the
Ok heres the next section. Thanks for the comments Glad-Of-War. Ive amended the master copy of the story, and will change my first post. your right that does make it sound better. Out of interest, is there any way to change thread titles?
“Fall Back” The Commanders Voice reverberated over the loudspeaker in the bunker. Kanad gripped his lasrifle tightly in his hands and look around him, Private Dansen was sitting in the corner, chewing some awful looking soy ration. The two of them were all that remained of their platoon. The bitter fighting had sapped their spirit and left them both shells of the former soldiers they were. They had been holed up in this bunker with Sergeant Hawkes from the 43rd for four days now.
“You heard the man, Grab your kit and move!” Hawkes barked At the downtrodden guardsmen. Kanad Hurriedly threw his pack onto his shoulder. “What about the supplies, sir?” Kanad Gestured to the crates in the far corner.
“With luck some dumb grot will blow itself up with them” the Sergeant replied
Private Dansen picked up his Lasgun and stashed what remained of his rations inside a belt pouch as he slowly he ambled towards the bunker door. The Sergeant was already ouside.
‘Damn officers, always the first to retreat’ though Kanad. He glanced quickly behind him as he left, out of the firing slit he saw several groups of orks, Charging up the hill.
Hopefully the three of them could make good distance on the greenskins whilst they searched the bunker.
The horrifying sound of metal hitting concrete echoed from inside the bunker. Kanad Threw himself out, diving onto the dirt path outside. Dansen Slammed the door tightly shut behind prone soldier only seconds before the floor shook from the force of the grenade blast. The private hoisted the beleagued Kanad back up up to his feet, and gestured to a nearby wooded copse.
They both hurried into the undergrowth as the first group of orks came around the side of the bunker.
Grimshank was standing at the top of a long flight of stairs, everything was so green, bright and vivid. There was a door just infront of him. He hesitantly knocked.
“Who is it?” a Booming voice answered.
“Err… Grimshank Pussbelcher” answered the hesitant ork.
“Wat, nah, You shouldn’t be ‘ere yet” came the voice from behind the door. With that the door was thrown open. Grimshank stared hard inside, but could only see a large pair of red eyes in the darkness within.
“Git Lost” the voice said. Grimshank moved forward, attempting to pass through the doorway. Unfortunately It wasn’t Grimshanks lucky day, as a large green foot booted the hapless ork in the groin sending him flying down the stairs. “Dumb sod” complained the voice, as the door closed.
‘Bloody hangovers’ Thought Grimshank. ‘Must of ‘ad about twenty pints’. Slowly the realisation of the explosion came back. As he slowly opened his eyes, the bright light Seemed to cut sharply into his pupils. ‘Dat damn grot, wen I find ‘im im gonna’. Grimshank instinctively picked something warm off his chest. His poor vision could just about made out the shape of a spherical object that he now held in his hand. He strenuously lifted himself to his feet as his vision slowly returned.
The inside of the bunker was littered with various bodyparts and gore, green stains covered the entire room. Only then did grimshank notice the silence. No gunfire, no screaming, even his movement caused no sound, there was just a deafeningly loud silence ringing in his ears.
Movement caught the corner of his eye, by the bunker door. Trusk was standing in the doorway, it looked like he was shouting, but there was no sound coming from his mouth. He seemed to be pointing at something in grimshanks hand. Slowly the greenskin looked down. His gaze met with the lifeless eyes of dungbreath staring back up at him. Enraged, Grimshank threw the severed head to the ground, These humans were going to pay.
Last edited by Artemic; April 27th, 2006 at 08:47.