Non 40k Story. Beyond Hope

[Zeratul]

Beyond Hope


Prologue

In the dark and empty space, two bird-like ‘ships’ cruised though space, dodging past debris and bulky boxed shape Recyclers.

The two ships were slick and looked almost like large arrows, where the fins of the tail of the arrow should be were twin upside-down tea cup-like shapes which burned off bluish flames. The ‘teacups’ were joined together by a piece of metal, which was reinforced to withstand the power which the exhaust came out of the nozzles. Under the main body of the space craft was a double barreled gun turret which, when commanded could unleash 100 mm explosive tipped rounds with a rate of 10 shots per second that would bring down a Light Fighter or Bomber in a fire fight.

There was no ****pit from which any one could enter, but rather the ship was fully enclosed, for crew to enter they would have to enter in via a retraceable piece of Neometal, which inside would be two crew seats and a host of controls around them. One would be the Captain, steering the ship, and the other would be the Gunner, in charge of the ships gun turret in ship combat.

These space ships were a Light Fighter class called ‘Dagger’. They generally moved in a normal V formation of four fighters, but this was just a recon mission to a supposed rebel asteroid base that was getting a bit unfriendly-like to the Empire of Old Europe. Claming they would Fusion Bomb the world of Zion IV if they did not get 100,000,000,000 credits.

The Fusion Bomb was an old and evil piece of Old-Earth technology that was simple to make apart from the newly made Anti-Matter Missiles created by the Republic of New America , any college student who got their Masters degree in Fusion Energy could make one with their eyes closed. But even now it was a deadly weapon if it was active on world, now if it was fired from space it would be target practice to the Planetary Defense gun crews, the bombs had to take time to get somewhere, while the speed-of-light Pin-Point Lasers could shoot it from 500,000 miles away, not bad for a 10 mile huge weapons platform.

The Daggers themselves were only 1 mile long, the space needed for the fusion generator, and the ion engine was huge, and the fusion generator was not yet mastered by the Empire, and would probably not be for at least another thousand years.

The Daggers approached the nearby asteroid field native to the system, the Kings Shield as the people of the system called it, and the name stuck to official maps of the area. The Fool Kings Shield got its name from a battle between the Empires Battle Fleet Chimera vs. the newly founded American York Battle fleet. The commander of Chimera was King David Gorges, who was facing the young rebel Matthew McCourt, who in a week long battle defeated King David’s battle fleet single handedly. That was the last battle of the Traitor War, so the inhabitancies of the system named it after the foolish king’s defeat.

The two Daggers finally entered the asteroid field, now the maneuverable of the Daggers showed, the ships dodged and danced past the drifting asteroids with the grace and speed commonly found on the Empire space ships. They approached a large asteroid that was just the right size for a base, and scanned it with the special equipped Life Sensors that was installed on the ships before the mission. It took a total of five minutes for the scanner to finish its scan, when it showed negative the Daggers moved on to the next monster asteroid, they did this about ten times, and were about to head back to the Light Cruiser that brought them there, when suddenly something moved in the one of the captains HUD that was not the slow moving space junk, he altered his sister Dagger ship about it and they danced over to the asteroid where the movement came from, it was much to small to be anything where the rebels could be hiding, but just in case they scanned it.

When they heared the sound which meant there was life there, they realized what it was but it was too late. A Pin-Point laser Cannon barrel flashed to life and before the Crews brains processed the information the Dagger closest to the asteroid based defense gun was hit by a precise shot that the laser got its name from. The dagger spinned out of control until the fusion generator that was hit finally exploded, destroying the Dagger in a blank of an eye. The remaining Dagger was hit by the after blast of its sister Daggers quick death, and it spun away from the gun turret, the pilot hit the gas flying at full speed toward the nearest exit out of the Kings Shield while at the same time yelling at his gunner to blow that laser away. The Gunner tapped a few buttons and outside of the ship the gun turret spun around unleashing the full furry of its twin-linked death. The shots missed by an inch, blasting the asteroid in half, but not hitting the gun turret. Just then another laser shot burst from the defense battery hitting the Dagger in the same place as the last Dagger. Right in the Fusion Generator, before the crew had time to scream the Dagger died the same way has its sister. Pieces of neo metal flew everywhere ripping apart nearby asteroids into tiny shards of their former selves.

The Rebel Gun Batteries crew reported the skirmish to the Command Center and then they shut down the fusion generator that powered the laser. The real battle was far from starting…

[Zeratul]

Ok I re-wrote it prologe, tell me what you think of this:

Beyond Hope


Prologue

In the dark and empty space, two bird-like ‘ships’ cruised though the black, dodging past debris and bulky boxed shaped Recyclers.

The two ships were slick and looked almost like large arrows, where the fins of the tail of the arrow should be were twin upside-down tea cup-like shapes which burned off bluish flames. The ‘teacups’ were joined together by a piece of metal, which was reinforced to withstand the power which the exhaust came out of the nozzles. Under the main body of the space craft was a double barreled gun turret which, when commanded could unleash 150 mm explosive tipped rounds with a rate of 10 shots per second that would bring down a Light Fighter or Bomber in a fire fight. Also they were equipped with 4 Heat Seeking missiles on each ship that would blow a Heavy Fighter into pieces of space dust.

There was no ****pit from which any one could enter, but rather the ship was fully enclosed, for crew to enter they would have to enter in via a retraceable piece of Neometal, which inside would be two crew seats and a host of controls around them. One would be the Captain, steering the ship, and the other would be the Gunner, in charge of the ships gun turret in ship combat.

These space ships were a Light Fighter class called ‘Dagger’. They generally moved in a normal V formation of four fighters, but this was just a recon mission to a supposed rebel asteroid base that was getting a bit unfriendly-like to the Empire of Old Europe. Claming they would Fusion Bomb the world of Zion IV if they did not get 1 billion credits.

The Fusion Bomb was an old and evil piece of Old-Earth technology that was simple to make apart from the newly made Anti-Matter Missiles created by the Republic of New America , any college student who got their Masters degree in Fusion Energy could make one with their eyes closed. But even now it was a deadly weapon if it was active on world, now if it was fired from space it would be target practice to the Planetary Defense gun crews, the bombs had to take time to get somewhere, while the speed-of-light Pin-Point Lasers could shoot it from the orbit of Zion IV to the orbit of Zion IVs sister planet, Damascus, not bad for a 5 mile long weapons platform.

The Daggers themselves were only 20 meters long, the space needed for the fusion generator, and the ion engine was huge, and the fusion generator was not yet mastered by the Empire, and would probably not be for at least another thousand years.

The Daggers approached the nearby debris field native to the system, the Fool Kings Shield as the people of the system called it, and the name stuck to official maps of the area. The Fool Kings Shield got its name from a battle between the Empires Battle Fleet Chimera against the newly founded American York Battle fleet. The commander of Chimera was King David Gorges, who was facing the young rebel Matthew McCourt, who in a week long battle defeated King David’s battle fleet single handedly. Using guerrilla tactics, and tired out the Imperials using hit and run battles. Those were the last battle of the Traitor War, so the inhabitancies of the system named it after the foolish king’s defeat. This debris field was rumored to be the dead ships of that battle.

The two Daggers finally entered the debris field, now the maneuverability of the Daggers showed. The Empire believed that if you could out move your enemy that the battle was easily won, though this lesson was learned by fighting the Republicans, and the Empire equipped there ships with more retro rockets then was commonly found on other ships. The ships dodged and danced past the drifting asteroids with the grace and speed commonly found on the Empire space ships. They approached a large skeleton of a dead Cruiser that was just the right size for a base, and scanned it with the special equipped Life Sensors that was installed on the ships before the mission. It took a total of five minutes for the scanner to finish its scan, when it showed negative the Daggers moved on to the next monster piece of debris, they did this about ten times, and were about to head back to the Light Cruiser that brought them there, when suddenly something moved in the one of the captains HUD that was not slow moving space junk, he altered his sister Dagger ship about it and they danced over to the asteroid where the movement came from, it was much to small to be anything where the rebels could be hiding, but just in case they scanned it.

Suddenly a squeal came from the alarm systems, informing the crew that something was locking on to them, lightning quick the Daggers spun away from the spot they were just in, and a hail of Pin-Point laser Cannon barrels flashed to life all around them passing right though the space that the Daggers were just floating, the small Daggers danced to life, one unleashed two of its Heat Seeking missiles that were locked on to the heat that the laser barrels left still on it barrel, the other somersaulted in mid air and faced other Gun Battery, and before it could charge up for another shot the Dagger let loose a spray of explosive death adding another debris to the field. The sonic wave of the missiles told the crew that he hit something, sense if it did not find a target the missile would shut itself down so it could be picked up again by Recyclers for another use. But the lasers charged a second burst of fire, and to the Daggers horror it found itself full of precise holes all targeting the fusion generator on the ship, before the crew could scream the Dagger was ripped apart by a chain reaction of the first blast of the fusion generator, then the missiles were triggered by the blast blowing whatever remained of the ship to shards of neometal. The last Dagger saw it was hopelessly out numbed and choice to save its own life, firing the retro rockets to flip itself to the nearest exit in the debris field. Its engines flared using Ions to push itself out of the debris field. The Gun Batteries flared once more trying to catch the escaping ship, but it was impossible to target the ship which were moving everywhere at once to get them from locking on to it. The Daggers engines flared once more, pressing the fusion generator to its max, and soon the Dagger was out of sight, returning to its force to report the battle.

The Rebel Gun Batteries crew reported the skirmish to the Command Center; they lost three gun batteries today, but also taking an enemy Light Fighter down with them. After the report they shut down the fusion generator that powered the lasers. The real battle was far from starting…

[Zeratul]

Chapter 1:

Calm before the Storm...


In the Infinite blackness, two gigantic ships seemed to just have exploded into life appeared; both were at least 200 meter long, they were shaped like giant birds. This space craft were of the Cruisers class 'Shaska' types, the Shaska types were equipped to hold more fighters and bombers then its older brother, the 'Saber' class Cruiser, so to add to the extra space, weapons and their many fusion generators had to go. Leaving the Shaka's with only three PPL batteries, and Rail cannon, the Rail cannon worked by utilizing an electromagnetic force to propel a 25 meter long metal projectile at almost the speed of light. Two shots from a Rail cannon is all it would take to destroy a Destroyer Class 'Mace'. Though because of the size of the projectiles, only 10 were housed on the ships armory. The Rail cannon itself took 4 fusion generators to power it, a huge amount of space.

They sailed though the blackness, there powerful Ion engines racing them towards a defensive line in orbit around the planet of Zion, a call went out that all space ships close to the system to join the defensive line. These ships were part of the Order of the Enforcer, an ex-military group designed to keep the peace in the stars. Even after thousands of years after the first colony ships left Old Terra, crime was still high in the new planets. The Order of Enforcers were the old Battle fleets from the First and only Traitor War, with no more wars in sight the Grand Fleet was broken down into smaller police forces called the Order of Enforcers to keep the peace within the Empire.

The engines that brought these two Behemoths here so quickly was a new technology discovered by the Republic called a Space Compression Engine, the Empire quickly bought these new and galactic changing engines blueprints for a hefty cost. Somehow these engines compressed space around the ship so tightly that it let the space ship slide though space much more quickly then the Ion Engines that have been in use for thousands of years. Even the Republic did not understand how these engines worked, they stumbled on it while working on a new type of weapon, what tell called a ‘Dooms Day Weapon’ though the Republic has always been interested in weapons ever sense its founding.

The two ships slowed down as a group of ships, in the group were two Saber Cruisers, four Destroyer class ships, which were ships litterly covered in powerful weapon, its mass was twice as big as the Shaka's, it was shaped in more of a flat brick, and the last ship part of the group was a titan of legends, the Capital class ship. It was huge, a good 600 meters in mass it was equipped with the best of everything, and it could withstand ten Rail Cannon shots, had three layers of 5 meter thick Neometal that could take huge amounts of damage, also it had five Rail Cannons, and 10 PPL batteries, one of these could take on whole armies of pirates which it was normal sent to do, there were only five Capital ships in the whole history of the Empire. Swarms of Light Fighters flooded around the space ships, with the odd Heavy Fighter, 40 meter ships that had much more heavier weapons, but had a crew of 6 at the least. The Cruisers stopped altogether as a transmission was broadcasted into the two ships…

King-Captain of the Lancaster Shaska Cruiser Zack Wildfire sat back in the command chair as he heard the transmission. The empty room he sat in was really the Command Center, each position that was part of Bridge Command had its own room which the person could work in peace, but thanks to separate transmission channels for each person, talking to each other was no problem. Each room was sound, shock proof, so that the Officers on the ship could work in peace. Zack’s room was filled with LCD screens showing every angle of the ship, a computer which gave him the stats of everything in the ship, from the type of gasses were present in each level of the ship, to the amount of food that was still in storage. Zack was also wearing a Head Set which allowed him to speck to anyone on the Command Bridge just by saying their name twice.

But right now the only the screen Zack was looking at in the army of screens was the new displaying the fleet of battleships facing Zack’s ship. The Lancaster’s sister ship, the Nottingham was right next to Zack’s ship listening to the same transmission. Zack sighed and played back the Transmission, it said this. ‘By the Order of the Great Emperor, and the Lion I order you to stop, please give your ships name, base type, sub type, and your rank and name. If any of your information is false you shall be blasted into atoms.’ Thanks for the warning Zack thought sarcastically, he said into the mouth piece on the head set ‘Garth Damon, Garth Damon.’ A voice said into his other ear ‘Thank you, Garth Damon has been connected.’ Garth Damon was the head of the Commutation staff, and one of Zack best mates. ‘Garth specking, what is needed Captain?’ specked ear piece into Zack’s ear. ‘Garth I needed you to send in the usually clarification data, broadcast it level Alpha, in straight narrow beam to that monster.’ The ear piece specked again ‘Aye, captain it has been done.’ Zack nodded to himself.

That was the First part, I will get the next part done later.

Shovah

[Scarlet Nebula]

Ok it's started out fine, more than fine actually it's quite readable. However this isn't necessarily a criticism of your methods rather a suggestion.
You’ve given me the reader a tale of advanced warships fighting rebels but what you’ve not given me is a reason to care about either faction yet.
Now there’s two ways you could change this, add an explanation of what the Empire and rebels stand for at the start of the prologue (think the scrolling “story so far� in the Starwars films). You could also start to tell the story from Zack’s perspective with help from other characters you’ve yet to introduce.