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Chaplian Terminator Herdeltch of the Black Templars was desperate. Left and right battle brothers of his chapter were being picked off by foul tyranid projectiles, and in front lay the swarm, coming right across the plain. Herdeltch would not have it end this way. He would meet the swarm head on and take down as many of the bastards with him! The two collosal forces met, the single Chaplian, his Crozius held up high, Storm bolter blazing. The scything madness of the tyranid hoard, hungry for blood and victory. Herdeltch plowed through the first, the horumguants body exploding into pieces as the huge terminator armour impacted on it. In an upward arc, the chaplian brought his crozius up into the guts of another tyranid monstrosity, splitting the damned thing in half.
"For the Emporer!", cries Herdeltch. He swings up his Storm bolter, letting full auto into the mouth of one of the monstrosities, riddling its body with bolter shells, and a split second later, having the detonation cores in each explode. The swarm poures in. Herdeltch tries to bring his Crozius up to bear for one last swing, but the damned creatures are piling in on him, useing thier mass weight to bring him down. Talons pierece through his armour, he can feel thier claws digging deep into his flesh. Riding the swarm as it tear him apart, Herdeltch looks up into the blood red sky, and sees a familiar golden figure. The god emporer's blessed form, standing over him, beckoning his son. The chaplian stretches his arm out, and smiles as the rest of the swarm tears his body apart.
it happened during our game, and i'm trying to get better at illistrating in game combat, wpndering if it sounds good.
Pretty good except for a thing I had a problem with for a while, the reader has no idea where he is.
What situation are the marines under to be picked off so easily.
Where are they more precisely.
Are they going to loose the planet?
Please these things would be a monumentous improvement to your writing. Even though it still is pretty good.
You switched from past to present tense.
I.e 'The Chaplin was desperate'
To: 'The chaplin feels the tyranids'.....(Should be the Chaplin felt the tyranids).
Also the "For the Emperor" battle cry while completly justified is quite cliched I would express it differently like "With a battle cry to the Emperor the Chaplin hurled himself into the combat."
The description is pretty good though.
"God is dead" Nietzsche- 1886
"Nietzsche is dead" God- 1900
Why are there scams? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q71FLDIMBc8
thanks. Yeah, i tend to swith outta the first and thrid person views gotta work on that. I didnt tell the reader where he was, because it was part of a larger battle description.
Good job anyway. I feel as if I am the chaplain and as if I'm the one who is screwed... nice. :yes:
Aside from a few spelling and grammar mistakes, the description itself is very good. Remember to stay in one tense, as noted earlier, and you should have no problems.