*New* Movie Critics Clan!

[Caluin]

Oooo! Ooooo! I got one for ya'll!

Aliens Versus Predator: Requiem


Review and Story: Fair warning. I give spoilers for this movie and the ending of AVP 1. You'll thank me for it later, I promise. At least this way you can get the story line of the movie without having to waste your money for it.

In a nutshell, this movie is complete garbage. There are pointless characters that litter the screen, plot holes that make you wonder what the story writers were smoking, and the action sequences are confusing and irritating.

First, let's cover the story. There isn't one.

Okay, so maybe there is one. But it's trash. It begins right where AVP 1 left off - the only Predator to make it out of the hunting grounds is aboard a Predator ship, comatose. Shortly there after, an Alien worm bursts from the chest, and quickly grows to full size. At this point, he dispatches one of the two (yes, only two) other Predators on the ship. The the second Predator fires a horribly aimed shot, hitting some random corridor, which causes the ship to blow up and crash land on Earth.

One shot. From inside the ship. Ship crash lands in a fiery blaze. I call bullshits. Especially since these are freakin' Predators, who hunt Aliens as a hobby.

Ship crashes in the woods of Colorado. A man and his son spot the flaming wreckage while out hunting, and instead of being smart and running the opposite direction like all humans should, they decide to investigate and poke the giant, burning, alien metal object with sticks. Shortly there after, they get face humped and spawn new aliens.

Note that the son is around 10 years old. And he gets shown as being face humped, then chest-bursted. He also gets to watch his dad's arm fall off due to corrosive acid. It's pretty gruesome, and one of those boundaries that I thought most movie companies would avoid. You don't lightly kill off children in a gory fashion unless you're attempting to invoke a deep emotional response from your audience. AVP:R does not evoke a deep, emotional response.

At this point, on Predator homeworld (where-ever the hell that might be), a single Predator gets a vid-screen that shows him that said ship crash landed, and he hops into a jet plane or something and takes off for Earth. ONE. ONE FREAKIN' PREDATOR. Not only did he just witness some nasty Alien/Predator hybrid decimate two other Predators, but he also knows that this ship housed a ton of other Alien face-hugger things that are just looking to spawn more Alien Warriors. Of course he's going to go alone.

Oh, I didn't mention the Alien/Predator hybrid yet, did I? Oh well, because it was completely pointless. The movie is so dark and the fight scenes so confusing, you never get a good view of it. Mainly, it looks like a regular Alien with dreadlocks and a jaw that splits to the sides, just like a Predator. Yay?

Back to the story. Around this point you're greeted with the main characters. One is an ex-con, fresh out of jail. Typical tough guy trying to do good. The anti-hero. Boring. Next you have anti-hero's brother, who is pretty much just trying to nail 'hawt chick.' He's a pretty standard idiotic teenage kid being controlled by his hormones. Hawt chick is introduced right afterwards, who is pretty much standard eye candy for the males in the crowd. All she thinks about is sex and trying to get into the pants of anti-hero's brother. But, at least she's easy on the eyes. Pity she has the personality of a rock, and you're never given any reason to care about her.

Oh, and of course there is the cop of the story. Sheriff of the small county that this all takes place in, who just so happens to be anti-hero's best friend! What an Odd Couple these two make! As random crap keeps happening throughout the story, Sheriff boy cracks under the pressure, and anti-hero pitches in to help! Because, of course when things get tough, you obviously want an ex-con as your right-hand man, helping you make all the decisions, right?

After about 30 boring minutes of character introduction, the Aliens are back to killing people. They kill some homeless people, turn them into more Aliens, and pretty much just bore the audience.

The Predator shows up, does some wordless, horrible acting while searching for clues in the downed space ship, then blows it up. Later, he pours some mystical blue liquid over the corpses of the hunter and his son, while dissolve them instantly. Apparently, the Predator is trying to cover up any evidence of the Aliens, but that idea quickly goes south as the Aliens are spawning like crazy.

From here, the action picks up a bit. Predator hunter takes on a few Aliens in the sewers, some quick action that you can't really make out happens, then everyone quickly migrates to ground level to create havoc amongst the hapless town goers.

This is when disturbing image #2 happens. A pregnant lady is leaving work when she is attacked by the Aliens. Obviously she gets killed, but what is most odd is the Predator/Alien hybrid snatches her unborn baby. The movie never really shows this part, but it's implied when random lady #4 sees the body and there is a gaping hole in the victim's stomach.

Yes, you read that right. Aliens are baby-snatching unborn fetuses in this movie.

A bit of the movie goes by. Hawt girl tries hooking up with anti-hero's brother. Gets interrupted by ex-boyfriend, who then all get interrupted by an Alien who systematically eats the disposable characters, save one. He gets killed a bit later by face melting, which is rather gruesome to watch. Aliens are spawning left and right. For every one that Predator kills, six more pop up. Townsfolk are being eaten, and everyone is panicking and making stupid decisions. The National Guard are called in, and in a display of complete ineptitude, are killed by a single Alien. It simply walks through their ranks, killing them all one by one.

The story culminates with most of the remaining population being told by an Army General or something to head to the center of town. For air lift. Because that's totally going to happen, right? As random lady #4 quips - "The government wouldn't lie to us, would they?"

Important story characters and one random idiot head to the hospital to snatch the helicopter there. Obviously, random idiot dies first. After all, that was the point of random idiot showing up. All he needed was a red shirt to seal the deal. Oh, wait, was that red flannel I saw? I think it was!

The characters quickly find out that the Aliens have made the hospital their new base of operations. I kid you not - the first thing the Predator/Alien hybrid did was go to the infant ward and scout out the kids. Again, while they don't show it, the story implies heavily that it ate the babies. And, once again, that is a line movie producers should never cross.

Right afterwards, the Hybrid orally... 'sexually assaults'... a woman in labor. That's right. It literally puts its mouth to hers, and implants Alien seedlings. A bit later in the movie, her stomach bursts open with a few new Alien wormlings.

For the last time - there are some lines producers should not cross. This is one of them.

Then the movie moves to the climax. Surviving story characters (some of them die) get into helicopter and fly off. Predator faces off with the Hybrid in a crappy action sequence that is so dark that you can't tell which one is getting their ass kicked.

But all of it matters not one iota, because the government drops a nuclear bomb on the town, obliterating everything.

Well, that's not totally true. There are a few survivors (the ones on the helicopter), and there's a small cliff hanger of an ending, setting up story line events for the Corporation down the road.


Score: 2/10

I gave it a bit higher than a one, because really, all I expected was to see some Predators kicking the crap out of Aliens, and vice versa. Instead, I got one Predator that spent half of the movie doing detective work, some hack characters that really don't matter at all, and a horrible ending.

[Tekore]

Oooo! Ooooo! I got one for ya'll!

Aliens Versus Predator: Requiem

For the last time - there are some lines producers should not cross. This is one of them.

Seriously, I read about this and decided not to see the movie. I agree completely.

Tekore

[The Toon]

Thanks Caluin was thinking of seeing changed my mind.

[The Count]

I do agree with you Caluin, but i also disagree. Yes, the movie was terrible, and i found all the dark scenes (nearly all of the movie) were a aggravating But some of the parts you mention as crossing the line weren't that bad. The movie was rated "R" (last time i checked anyway ;?) Some of them did help to show the strength and superiority of the Predator Alien, and the ferocity of the Aliens. Others were simply to add special effects into the movie displaying the Aliens powers. But you are right, the movie was bad, and i don't recommend seeing it.

[brushman]

edit: sorry for typo's and errors; my keyboard isn't working very well right now. maybe i'll fix them later.

Alright, I might as well review these two movies. I might not get very much detail because I don't remember the movies too well but here it goes.

Movie: I Am Legend
Review: Overall I thought the movie was decent, but I thought it could've been better. It was based off the book, but was actually quite a bit different. The book was based more around vampires, whereas the movie had more zombe like creatures. It had some pretty good action seens, and I thought the actors were decent as well.
Storyline: Alright so basically it takes place in New York. A cure for cancer was discovered, but it didn't go right. It ended up mutaed them into zombie people, and could spread to people. Some people however were ammune to it, such this lonely scientist in New York accompaied with his dog. They do w/e in the city, explore around, and he tries to find a cure for this mutation. Stuff goes wrong, yada yada yada, weeired stuff happens. Eventually he meets up with these over people. Their hiding place is discovered by the zombies and he sacrafises himself tosave this person so she could take the cure for the mutation the scientist discovered to this other city were all the survivors had gathere.
Rating: 6/10 - if you're into movies, I'd say it's worth a watch.

Movie:lost treasure or w/e i dont remember. it had nicolas cage (i think)
Review:Pretty good movie; worth a watch. I didn't think it was amazing like many peple told me it was. Just your typtical treasue hunting story with bad and good guys. had an interesting plot, and in the end they found the treasure! yay
Rating:7/10 - worth seeng IMHO.

Ben

[Shas'o Tau Dev'n Kauyon]

Hmm, I've been away for some time and it seems the Movie Critics Clan has changed a bit.

That's cool, I don't have much time anyway.

Movie
Speed Racer

Review
Despite what many critics have said, Speed Racer is a faithful update to one of the first successful cross-culture cartoons. The film is meant to entertain and from the word "go" it does.

The visuals are engaging, the stunts exciting, and the jokes worth a chuckle.

I paid twice, once for myself and once for my girl, and it was worth the cash and the time.

Basically...

...Go watch Speed Racer, go!

Story
Speed Racer is the younger brother of the once famous, and infamous, Rex Racer. His whole family is devoted to racing and it looks like Speed might be even better than Rex. This attracts the attention of the sponsors, one of which introduces Speed to the dark side of racing. Speed declines the dirty offer but it's too late. Speed is hated out of his Grand Prix qualifier and has to accept that racing isn't just about driving. The mysterious Racer X maneuvers Speed into the same cross-country race that killed Rex and things are looking - relatively - up. The Grand Prix looms but can Speed get to the finish?

Rating
7/10 - It's not exactly deep but it is entertaining. 10/10 if you're already a Speed Racer fan.

[Karmoon]

Great review buddy!

IRON MAN
Man of Iron... man...

I managed to avoid all trailers for this film, and I'm very glad I did.
I didn't know what to expect and I was really very impressed!

The only exposure I've really had to Iron Man is as a character from the Marvel VS Capcom series of games.

It's a great film all in all.

The script is red hot and Robert Downey Jr's acting is top notch.

The special effects are all CG - as to be expected, but for once, the camera stays still, and doesn't jump around every half second. So you can actually appreciate some of the action and set pieces.

There's no ground breaking camera work or special effects though.

The story is pretty decent. There's some embarrassing Americanism bits in it, but, it's an American comic, so that's to be expected I guess.

Oh yeah, was also slightly disappointed that there was no 'proton cannon' in it. :p

9/10

[Phormio]

OK, my contribution is:

Move: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Review:

I saw this movie last night and I have decided it has been wrongly named! It should be Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Disappointment. Many of you out there will pause at this name, especially if you're desperate to see it (as I was).

This movie has all the Indiana ingredients. It has Harrison Ford, it has good and bad guys, action, adventure, love interest, etc. And yet it fell well short of the mark.

The Indiana I knew was an impish rogue. The Indiana we saw was ready for his next adventure in a nursing home. The acting by Ford, Allen, Blanchett and co was wooden. Cate Blanchett, brilliant actor, delivered an awful role with a rotten accent. Karen Allen was far from the Marianne we knew from Raiders and (this is the spoiler bit) the sub-plot of Mutt being Indy's son, and he and Marianne marrying at the end was unneeded sentiment. While we are also used to Jones getting out of impossible situations, some of them should have seen Jones and Co pulverised a dozen times and this just discredited the movie further.

The storyline, whilst probably not much different from other Indy movies, just didn’t seem to do it for me, especially the romantic sub-plot, which seemed tired and tacked on.

At least the action scenes and the special effects looked good.

I think I should have known better than to expect a decent movie from Spielberg and Lucas after they re-edited ET and made Star Wars Episodes I-III. This is just another on the list of disappointments.

Story:

Jones and his friends are kidnapped by Russians in 1957 and taken to area 51. Jones helps them find what they are looking for (at gun point) before escaping. Jones is captured by American authorities and despite being a bonifide American hero from WWII, is suspected of being a communist sympathiser.

Jones is then suspended from Teaching due to the slur of communism before a young man approaches him and says that an old friend of Jones and his mother have been captured in South America after finding a crystal skull. Jones' adventure to South America sees the re-appearance of the Russians which leads Jones to meet up with his old friend and Marianne (from Raiders) before making the big discovery and saving the day. The ending was unbelievable and corny, even for a Jones' movie.


Rating:

3.5 out of 10. I want a refund!!!!

[ArchonFarseerGuy]

I've heard it was a crap movie. From this review it sounds very Americanised with all due respect.

But alas and alack, I was silly enough to put that down as one of my texts for an English assignment.

-AFG//

[Phormio]

Holiday season is coming up. Will the reviews recommence so it can guide our holiday movie-going experience?

To get things going, a quick review:

Chronicals of Narnia: Prince Caspian

I watched this on DVD last night so I thought I'd doa quick review of it.

The film was released mid-2008 and is now available on DVD for the usual exhorbitant fee that Disney exploits for a product (those of you with children will know what I'm talking about)

I don't know if people out there liked or disliked Lion, witch, wardrobe, but for those who did let me say that this was an enjoyable movie - but for different reasons.

It is darker than Lion (which is why I think some people did not like this movie) with less mythical beasts. However, it's filmed in the same rich style that Lion was and flowed from start to finish reasonably well.

The acting was not too bad and as it is based off a book, there was no fear of stupid filler story lines and stupid cliche's that seems to fill American cinema at the moment.

I have not read the book so the review stands alone. On that basis I say it was enjoyable and worthy of around 6.5-7/10.