Creative Writing Short Story (My Father's Honor)

[hotspike18]

I was looking for some helpful tips/critique on the following short story. Be advised, it's a bit condensed so that I could fit it into the requirements for my creative writing class. Otherwise, lay on the suggestions!

My Father’s Honor
Written and Copyrighted by J. M. Borden © 2009

There is a time during every boy’s life that he wants to grow up to be just like his father. My father was a traitor. When he was caught my entire family was ashamed, for my father was an important man. He was a deputy shugo, a military governor over the lands my family controlled. His name was Nobuhide Oda. After everything happened, the family would always ask, would always demand to know how we couldn’t have known. “I was just a child,” was all that I could say, I paid just as much attention to the trees and flowers as I did to my father back then. The thing I remember most vividly about him, were the times when he would play with us.

Outside our home was a grove of beautiful cherry blossom trees. In the early months of the year, they begin to bloom a pale pinkish hue. In the wind, the petals come loose from the branches, and dance as they fall to the ground. We used to try to catch them, my sister Oichi and my brother Nobunaga. Naga always caught the most, he was bigger than me, could always get to them first. Whenever I got upset about losing, Oichi would always give me hers so I could win. It was never enough though, not to beat Naga, he hated to lose. We were catching petals usually when we should have been practicing our writing, Father would come home every night and ask us what we learned. On the days when our lack of response made obvious our irresponsibility, he would just smile and tell us to try harder tomorrow. After sunset, we would always play Samurai. This was Naga’s favorite game. He always made us be the shinobi, the ninja. The ninja were lawless mercenaries, men who killed without honor, and deserved only enmity in return. They were lower than low. Using twigs for swords, the shinobi would hide and try to sneak up on the samurai. Oichi and I were never very good; we got caught a lot because we would sporadically burst out in giggles. This was because whenever Naga was playing samurai he would puff out his chest and strut between the trees. I guess he was trying to look like a real warrior; he usually just looked like the chickens. Besides, whenever we tried to catch him he usually caught us. Father would usually sit on the villa with Grandfather and watch us play, but sometimes he took pity on us and helped us be shinobi. He was very good. He could always find the best hiding places for me and Oichi. And sometimes he would move so quietly, that he could follow Naga around the grove, just a few feet behind him. If it was hard resisting laughter while watching Naga strut, it was even harder with Father behind him making funny faces!

Of course, that was all before Grandfather died. I remember the day it happened. Some men came to our house, they spoke with Grandfather for a while and then they all left together. We could tell it was a special day because messengers and retainers were traveling in large groups, and quickly too. Our house was along the main road and so we often heard recent news of developing events in the land. Japan then was very unstable. Various lords and families battle for control. Some weeks we heard about the ruthless Tokugawa clan claiming more lands, on others whispers of a legendary shinobi who had infiltrated a neighboring province’s fortress and burnt it to the ground. Our clan was unsteady then, some of our family wanted father to be the head of the clan, others were hoping that a cousin of his would take the succession once Lord Nagamasu died. When my father returned home that night, he sat us all down around the hearth. I remember his face, half-lit by the fire as he spoke, “Your grandfather’s brother Tomoe has been caught in dealings with shinobi. He intended to hire them as assassins, so that he could become Lord of the Oda, our clan. Your grandfather….he could not bear such shame, and has commited seppuku.” Seppuku was a form of ritual suicide a samurai was to engage in if capture by the enemy seemed likely or if he wished to dispel some slight on his honor. For a long time no one said anything. I knew that I should be sad, but I just couldn’t accept it. Here in the house everything was the same. The fire still burned, and crackled while its flames danced in the evening breeze. I could still hear the crickets chirping outside. Was he really gone? It felt like he was coming back still, even though I knew he wouldn’t. I just couldn’t make myself feel it. At least, until Oichi’s sniffles broke through my solitude. She started to cry, which made me want to cry too. Naga stood up, “Don’t cry Oichi, Grandfather only did what was proper, he has helped us retain our honor.” But somehow that just made her cry even harder. I tried to comfort her, but what could I do? Naga talked louder this time, “Oichi, stop crying, do not shame grandfather. We still have our honor, you should be happy. Right father?” For a long moment Father said nothing. He stared long and deep into the flames. Sometime later Naga stomped outside, and once Oichi began to recover we laid down to sleep. I don’t know how long Father stayed up that night. When I woke the next day, the embers in the hearth were still warm and he was gone.

After that, Father wouldn’t play games with us anymore. No matter how hard we pleaded with him or how many bruises I showed him from Naga’s sword-twigs. He began to travel frequently for family business. He spent more time at the castle or at home meeting with various retainers from the clan. As Naga got older, he was allowed to participate in some of these meetings. He was given his very own sword too, like a real samurai. Naga would practice his sword movements all day long. He stopped playing with us as well. We would try to entice him by telling him he could be the samurai again, but he’d always deny us, “I don’t have time for children’s games Nobuyuki, I’m going to help father. He’s going to change the Oda clan forever. We’re going to become the most famous samurai in all of Japan.” Oichi and I would try to make a go of playing samurai ourselves, but it usually wasn’t as fun without Naga strutting around. During the nights, father would usually lock himself in the study and tell us not to bother him.

It was on one of these nights that we noticed the road traffic exploded almost instantly – retainers in full armor raced down the road on horseback heading for the castle, the village in the valley below slowly grew more and more tiny flickers of firelight as the people awoke and ran about. Naga even stopped his sword routines to watch with us (and let me tell you, getting him to stop was quite a feat). It was after a few minutes of watching that one of the messengers stopped in front of our dwelling. He was coated in the full body armor of a samurai warrior, his sword unsheathed and his mask covering his face. All the samurai wore masks to make their enemies fear them. I always thought they were scary, they looked like demons and they were always growling at you. Oichi thought they were silly, she said that they looked like monsters who were grumpy because they stubbed their toes on a rock. But that night she didn’t giggle at his mask, I think because his of his eyes. His eyes were full of an intense focus, like something very important was happening and he didn’t have time to do anything else but stare at it. He shouted from atop his horse down at us, “Where is Lord Nobuhide? Is he here?” Before waiting for an answer he kept going, “Fetch Lord Nobuhide immediately! Tell him that Lord Nagamasu has been killed! He is needed at the castle.” Oichi ran back to the house to find Father. The messenger dismounted his horse and shoved the reins into my hands and began to approach the house. But before he got there, Oichi ran back out of the house, “He’s not there! The torches burn in the study but he’s gone!”

That couldn’t be right I thought, maybe he went for a walk and we didn’t see him leave. Maybe Oichi simply looked over him or he was playing a trick on us like he sometimes used to. The messenger looked insulted, “What do you mean he’s not there? He was not at the castle; this is the only other place he could be. You had best not be trying to fool me-” He stopped. Oichi had gasped – loudly. She raised her finger and pointed to the cherry blossoms. I couldn’t see anything at all, just the trees and the grass. The messenger shifted his sword so that he now held it firmly with both hands. He whispered now, very quickly, “What did you see?” His eyes darted across the grove, he kept his front side facing the grove, speaking to Oichi from the side of his mouth. “What did you see? Where is it?” She was shivering now, and whimpered almost inaudibly, “There was a shadowman, he ran through the trees and went further back, behind the house.” The messenger stood there a long time, his hands making soft sounds against the leather of the hilt, he kept shifting his grip, like he couldn’t hold the sword tight enough. Naga made the connection first; he broke the silence, “Was it shinobi who killed Lord Nagamasu?” “Yes, Nobunaga, he was slain, slain by ninja, we fear they have not yehet le-eft the village.” His whispers were so fast he was tripping over his own words. “Take your brother and sister to the castle immediately. Tell them to send warriors to your home right away!” Naga slowly drew his sword and went to stand behind the man, “I can help you.” But the messenger wouldn’t allow it, “No. Don’t be a fool. You are no match for a fully trained shinobi.” Naga didn’t like that. Even in the dim light I could tell he was angry.

After that the messenger man trod forward into the grove. His movements were careful and deliberate. I could see the gleam of his sword swaying back and forth; like he was afraid an attack could come at any moment. After a moment or two, he disappeared into the dark of the night. Naga stood there, longingly. We waited, for what I don’t know but wait we did. Oichi interrupted this time, “Naga, let’s go, come on. The man told us to leave, we should go!” Naga just stood there though, staring intently into the grove. It was not long after that I began to worry, something should have happened by now I thought. That was when we heard him scream. The first time it was a battle cry, a challenge every samurai issues when he charges an opponent. The second time was different, I don’t know how I knew, I just did. The second time he was dying. None of us said anything. We just stood there in the dark. Oichi pulled on Naga’s sleeve, there were tears on her face. That was when we heard another noise, someone walking up behind us. Naga twirled around so fast, his elbow slammed into Oichi, she fell to the ground. Naga clumsily grappled with the hilt of his sword, but he wasn’t fast enough, it tumbled from his grip.

“You better be more careful with that boy, next time it might not be your elbow that hits your sister.” Oichi looked up, face now covered in dirt, “Father!” She ran to his side and he lifted her up and looked into her eyes. “What’s wrong little cherry blossom? Why are you crying--” Naga interrupted, “Father. Lord Nagamasu is dead. Shinobi filth. The messenger…where were you? Why weren’t you in the house?” Father put Oichi down gently, but quickly, “What messenger? Did he say anything else?” Father quickly trotted into the house, Naga close behind him. “He said you were supposed to go to the castle. But then we saw shinobi in the grove, they ran right by us! He went after them! He told us to get help.” Oichi and I entered and stood to the side while Father put his armor on with Naga’s help. “Nobunaga, when I leave, stay in this room with Nobuyuki and Oichi and lock the entranceways. I’m going to the castle, I’ll send warriors back to search the grounds.” Naga started shouting, “You’re not going to hunt the cowardly shinobi? He’s right out there!” Father looked at him sternly, “Only a fool chases a shadow into the darkness, and they will need me at the castle, the family will be more unstable than ever with Lord Nagamasu dead and no successor named. You will be safe here, just stay quiet.” Father was gone for the rest of the night, he didn’t return until early the next morning. Naga walked around the room all night, like a sentry, his hand never leaving his sword hilt; he was starting to look more and more like a real samurai every day. When father came back, I remember he sounded very tired. He and Naga spoke quietly, Oichi and I had lain down, they thought we were both sleeping. Father talked about the clan, the various factions now vying for control, and the manhunt now underway to find the shinobi, or at least whoever hired them. He said that they had found the messenger, he was dead. “Where were you?” Naga asked, “Oichi couldn’t find you in the house.” Father grinned just a little, “I think in the panic your sister forgot to check the sleeping room, I found myself overworked and in a need of an early sleep.” Naga didn’t say anything after that, but I knew something was bothering him – he didn’t sleep that night. Naga always slept well, at least until there was something nagging at him, something he couldn’t quite understand, something he couldn’t beat.

The next day Father left early and things began to return to normal. Traffic along the road began to decline and Oichi and I practiced our letters for once. Naga practiced his sword movements all day, with more vigor than I had ever seen him show before. He even tested a few battle cries when he swung. Later in the day, when Oichi and I were playing outside again, Naga began to intensify his routine.. He swung faster and faster, whatever had happened in the night had changed something in him. After a pause in his routine, he moved over towards the grove – he started hacking at one of the cherry blossom trees, screaming every time his sword struck the wood. Oichi was never one to tell us what to do, but I could see she was upset. Like me, Oichi always had a love for the trees and flowers, but she especially adored the cherry blossoms. I knew she wouldn’t say anything to Naga herself, so I went over to him, “Nobunaga, don’t hit the trees, it bothers Oichi, besides, Father told you not to use your sword on anything besides the practice dummies. And don’t lie and say he didn’t, I heard it myself.” Naga kept going, the crevice in the trunk getting bigger and bigger, “Then I guess it’s a good thing Father isn’t here right now.” He shouldered me out of the way then moved on to another tree, “Naga please stop, for Oichi. Don’t hurt anymore of her blossoms.” But he would not be bowed. “I’ll do whatever I want to, I’m a samurai and your older brother” – he started to swing again –“Nobody tells me what I can or cannot” – “do”. He paused when his sword struck the tree, because it didn’t wedge into the wood like before, it kept going, a whole section of the bark collapsed. What was left behind was a small rectangular hollow someone had already cut into the tree. Our argument forgotten, we looked inside, brushing away residue of the covering that looked like a plank of wood with bark attached to one side. We would never have found it otherwise. Inside was a set of dark colored robes, along with some weapons I didn’t recognize. One of them was a short sword, smaller than a samurai’s, but bigger than the side weapon they usually carried. There also lots of little metal pieces. They looked like flowers made of steel, yet sharpened into points. “Naga, what are these?” I asked. He didn’t answer. His face turned scarlet. He gathered up everything we found and went back into the house, he shut the door behind him. I asked Oichi about what I saw, I related the best I could what it all looked like, and we went back to the hollow. She didn’t know what it meant either, but she did think it was funny that she could fit completely inside the tree.

At dinner, Naga was quiet. I didn’t think it was possible, but for a whole meal he didn’t utter a single syllable. He just kept staring at father, like he was some kind of demon. My father knew something was wrong, but he waited until Oichi and I had finished eating before he sent us away, “Oichi, Nobuyuki, I need to talk to Nobunaga alone for a while, can you go play near the blossoms for a while?” I took Oichi’s hand and quickly made for the door, I knew Naga was ready to explode and I wanted them to think I had left. I wanted to hear what was going to happen, it seemed important. I told Oichi to be quiet and wait away from the house, then I snuck back towards the house as silently as I could. Hopefully they would be listening to each other, and not the footsteps on the villa. I got up close to the door – “…something rather interesting in the grove today.” “Oh?” Father replied, “What was that?” Then I heard something clatter on the floor. Then Naga shouting, “I know what you are you coward! How could you shame us like this?” For a long time I couldn’t hear anything, then Father’s soft words, “That was unfortunate. I never meant to burden you with this knowledge.” Naga just kept getting louder, “Oh! So you would hide it then? Hide what you really are!? YOU are the one Oichi saw in the forest last night, YOU are the one who killed the messenger, YOU are the one who…..” He stopped, surprised I think, because the next part was so soft I hardly heard it, “…you killed Lord Nagamasu… You bastard! You killed him so you could take his place! So you could rule the family! We will never recover from this stain on our honor!”

Father stood then, taller than Naga still, but not by much, not anymore. “Tell me, what good did honor do your grandfather? You want to know why he died? He died because the clan was afraid that he might cause dissent after the death of his brother – he died because Nagamasu was afraid someone else might take his throne from him.” I could hear them walking, I got up and moved to a window, they might be coming towards the door, I had to be careful. Naga was pacing, his face shaking like his hands were. Tears were running down his cheeks, “Grandfather died to retain his honor, he was glad to do his duty. You are not even worthy to speak of him!” Father’s face was fierce, but he was controlled, his stood rigid, like stone, “That is a lie and you know it. The family forced him to slice his stomach open. If he did not commit seppuku then they would place the shame on our family, then they would force him to do it anyway to punish him. He had no choice. And what good came of it? Are you happier now that he is dead so you can have your honor? Does honor tell you stories before you sleep? Does honor give you good advice and counsel in time of need? Does honor fill your heart with gladness? No! It is nothing, only a tool to be used against your opponents. In my travels I have seen villages, shinobi villages where men lived as equals, some of them even allow women to be shinobi. They are so much happier there, they serve no overbearing Lord intent on the growth of his own influence. And they don’t cut their innards out whenever someone tells them to.” Naga stepped in again, screaming, “So you would turn us into criminals then? That is the ‘great change’ you intend to force upon the clan? Coward!” “Yes” father replied, “that is the change, I want my family to live in peace, and never have to dread the day when they might be forced to die by their own sword on a whim.” After that Naga said some things I never heard him say before, things that Father never deserved to hear being said about him. I should have done something; I should have gone in and defended my father. I should have done anything. But I was rendered immobile, my heart frozen with the revelation that my father was shinobi – what do you when your father turns out to be the monster of myths you were told as a child?

After some time Naga, stormed out and left. He just kept pacing, out onto the main road towards the village. He didn’t see me when he left. I just knelt there on the villa, staring into the nothingness of the night as I tried to contemplate all that had happened. Father’s voice drifted from inside our home, “Yuki, come in here please.” If my heart had frozen before, now it shattered into a thousand fragments – he knew. I slowly walked inside, my head down, like a condemned man towards the executioner’s block. “Sit down.” He said gently. “Did you hear Nobunaga and I?” I nodded, trying to avoid his eyes. Father was not an angry man, at least from what I remember, but he had a gaze of disappointment that could wilt flowers in spring. “Yuki, do you understand why I have chosen the life of a shinobi?” He usually didn’t use my nickname. I didn’t say anything, nor did I shake my head. He stretched his hand forth and raised my head to face his, “I want a better life for you and Oichi, and Naga as well. I believe that sometimes, if you believe something is important, it is only right to fight for it. Now, why don’t you go fetch your sister and come back here and help me pack our things. If Naga has discovered my nocturnal activities, I imagine we won’t be able to stay here much longer.” I told him I didn’t think so, the Naga would come around, he just needed time. Father merely responded, “We’ll see.”

After a couple hours of packing, Father told us to lay down, he said he was leaving for a short while, but would be back soon, and then we would leave in the morning. Oichi slept, but I could not. I was afraid, both for what would happen to Naga and for what would happen to Father if anyone found out. Sometime during the night I heard men coming up the road, from the sounds of it they were armed for battle. I got up and looked outside, my stomach churned when I saw them turn from the main road down our dirt path. Naga was leading them, speaking with one of the Oda Elders while he walked. I ran back to Oichi, she had awoken and started to be afraid. I told her to lie down and pretend to be asleep. She didn’t know anything anyway. I ran out in front of the house, trying to shield my sister from the men ahead, little more than a mob. The Elder stepped forward, it was Shingen, Father’s cousin who stood to gain much if Father was removed as a potential successor. “Where is your father? I am here to place him under arrest.” I summoned what little courage remained in me, “Why?” I saw his eyes narrow beneath his face mask, then he moved so fast that I couldn’t even see the blow coming. He hit me in the face with the back of his gauntlet. “I don’t have to explain myself to you, traitor-son. Is your father in the house or not?” I retorted, blood dripping from the corner of my mouth – “No. You won’t catch him.” I could hardly believe my own mouth, I was asking for what came next. “So you admit he is a traitor? And that you’ve known it all along? Very well.” He struck me again, harder this time, I fell backwards. One of my teeth fell out. “Search the residence. Tear it apart if you have to. And as for this one..” He looked down at me, his eyes smiling, but not in a happy way. I never found out what he intended for me. As he reached his hand down for me all of sudden he gasped, arching backward – his hands rapidly groping behind him. Then he fell forward, almost landing on top of me. When he fell I could see two of those steel flowers protruding from the back of his neck. All the warriors turned to face the unknown attacker. There he was in grove of cherry blossoms, standing proudly, defiant in the night, my father. After a moment of realization, the mob of warriors began to scramble towards the grove, my father turned and disappeared, like the masterful shinobi of legend. That was the last time I saw him alive.

According to the family, he was later caught, after killing four samurai during the chase, and consented to commit seppuku. I suppose that thought that this would help our family overcome thoughts of him betraying the family, but for me, I took greater comfort in the idea of him fighting to the last moment. Many came to the funeral, though not for his benefit, for ours. One of the four samurai killed that night was Shingen, Nagamasu’s last promising adult successor. This left Naga and I as potential suitors for the position. Naga was to be adopted by one of the lesser families, no doubt hoping his imminent rise to power would drag them closer to the top of the clan. Some of the families tried to rally around myself, but I knew that all they really wanted was a puppet. At the funeral, Naga screamed himself raw, he cursed our father and kicked over the incense. I never saw him cry, not that day or any day after, not for father anyway. After that Naga began to consolidate his power, allying himself with new families and clans every year. I stayed as long as I could for Oichi, enduring the mark of the traitor’s son because I would not be bowed. But after some years, it became clear that Naga desired my death, so I fled, letting him have his precious clan. I live now amongst a small secluded village. They are shinobi, as I am now. In this village, they know Nobuhide Oda, and the true legacy he left behind. It seems father was better connected than I knew. I can wear my name here with pride, sometimes they tell the children stories of Nobuhide the Shadow – a mysterious ninja who fought in many campaigns across Japan. Back home, the families still war on one another, travelers who pass through tell us stories of the warlord Nobunaga, the Demon King and his successful campaigns across the land. While I had hoped to avoid confrontation with my brother, his success has allowed his armies to approach our village, soon his armies will push through these mountains. Soon I will finish what Naga began those many years ago. Until then, however, I shall be content simply live and be myself - a traitor, a shinobi. I am my father’s son.

[For anyone who actually took the time, thanks much for reading, I look forward to any comments you may have!]

[Deadstar_MRC]

Well, I've only got a few paragraphs in and now I have to go, so... it's good so far, and hopefully I can come back and read some more of it later. And give you any feedback then.

[hotspike18]

Looking forward to hearing what you think man. Also, went back and separated out the paragraphs so that it would be a little easier to digest properly.

[Deadstar_MRC]

Okay then, lets give this a shot.

Firstly, good idea with the paragraphs, it certainly did make the reading easier.

Now, on to the story.

I like the idea, questioning what is perceived as honour and so forth. However... I'm not sure that this piece has all that much impact, or at least it didn't for me. I suspect it's because of your construction; you reveal the father is a traitor right at the start, so we're expecting that.

What I feel is that you really need to focus on the scene where the father confronts his son regarding the shinobi business. In my eyes, that needs to be the climax of the tension; when the father reveals why he's a traitor.

I'm not entirely sure how best to do this, but I think the father should have the final say in the dialogue between him and his son, and then you just describe (from the other son's point of view, as you've done)

I think that's my only issue - the rest is pretty decent.

[hotspike18]

Originally Posted by Deadstar_MRC

Okay then, lets give this a shot.

Firstly, good idea with the paragraphs, it certainly did make the reading easier.

Now, on to the story.

I like the idea, questioning what is perceived as honour and so forth. However... I'm not sure that this piece has all that much impact, or at least it didn't for me. I suspect it's because of your construction; you reveal the father is a traitor right at the start, so we're expecting that.

What I feel is that you really need to focus on the scene where the father confronts his son regarding the shinobi business. In my eyes, that needs to be the climax of the tension; when the father reveals why he's a traitor.

I'm not entirely sure how best to do this, but I think the father should have the final say in the dialogue between him and his son, and then you just describe (from the other son's point of view, as you've done)

I think that's my only issue - the rest is pretty decent.

First off, thanks again for taking the time to read it. The paragraphs exist in the actual document, unfortunately the text editor we use at LO doesn't do indents too well, so that's why I had to split it up with the line spacing. With my next draft, I'd like to explore the idea of honor some more, I'm just not entirely sure how to do it more, perhaps I need another event, something that happens that allows for two perspectives on the matter. I think you're right about the scene where Naga confronts his father, by that point I was panicking, as I was WAY over the desired length for the story. In my next draft I'll try to do what you said. And I'll try and squeeze in some edits onto the class version as well.

Do you feel the story would be better off if I didn't reveal that the father was a traitor in the beginning, would that help make the story more interesting?

Again, thanks so much for the critique, every little bit helps.

[Deadstar_MRC]

I think it's fine to reveal the father's a traitor at the start, as it's not really the focus of the piece. It's important that it's revealed at some point, but when doesn't really matter, and to try and change that bit... I think you'd be up for a lot of restructuring.

Now, I was thinking about this story yesterday, on the train, wondering if there was anything else I could mention that might help... A thought did occur to me that I'm not really sure will be of any use, but I thought I should bring it up.

I'm curious as to why you chose the setting you did. I think I'll just leave it at that, for now...

Hope you don't mind me asking.

[hotspike18]

Don't mind at all. For my creative writing class, we were asked to write a story based in the real world with no or very little paranormal/science fiction/fantasy presence. Perhaps I'm just too much of a nerd, but I wasn't really interested in doing something in today's world, so I went back in history. And, since the Samurai had everything to do with honor and such, what better avenue to explore the question of what honor means. And I do like ninjas and samurai and all that, just like the next guy. So, no paticular reason really, it's a story I had, sitting in my notebook, and I got an assignment in school I thought I could use it for. I suppose that's about all there is to it really. Why do you ask?

[Tsele]

Just had the pleasure to finish through it... Although I can tell that Japanese names gives me hard times.

Firstly. You should really read through it again. I have found some mistakes, I know they are probably from haste. Nothing serious though and they were only three or four.

Secondly. I really liked how the story escalated. Maybe this is the reason I read from start to bottom. I really liked the escalation. I would make some changes to the dialogue format as to make them more readable but nothing to change their meaning. Have I said I really liked the escalation of the story? Now I have to tell that I haven't understood the haste in the ending. It left me with a feeling that the writer was running for deadline to finish and had to think something too fast to finish up...

If you have the possibility to make it a little more large then grab it. Enlarge the ending of the story and don't be so hasty in endings. They are the whole meaning of the story...

Apart from that I pressed the "Thank You" button as I really enjoyed your story and your imagination and for some pieces you have made me see through the character's eyes! And that's the important. When I will finish writing I will press the "Reputation" button as well.

[hotspike18]

Originally Posted by Tsele

Just had the pleasure to finish through it... Although I can tell that Japanese names gives me hard times.

Firstly. You should really read through it again. I have found some mistakes, I know they are probably from haste. Nothing serious though and they were only three or four.

Secondly. I really liked how the story escalated. Maybe this is the reason I read from start to bottom. I really liked the escalation. I would make some changes to the dialogue format as to make them more readable but nothing to change their meaning. Have I said I really liked the escalation of the story? Now I have to tell that I haven't understood the haste in the ending. It left me with a feeling that the writer was running for deadline to finish and had to think something too fast to finish up...

If you have the possibility to make it a little more large then grab it. Enlarge the ending of the story and don't be so hasty in endings. They are the whole meaning of the story...

Apart from that I pressed the "Thank You" button as I really enjoyed your story and your imagination and for some pieces you have made me see through the character's eyes! And that's the important. When I will finish writing I will press the "Reputation" button as well.

Glad to hear you enjoyed the story, something every author loves to hear. Sorry about the names, I know they're confusing, I tried my best to keep them under control, as well as any unique terms that might be in there. Grammar errors and the like are definitely from rushing it and not really proofreading. The ending also is quite rushed because I was WAY over the desired page length for the assignment. Thanks much for the rep and the 'thanks', as well as the tip about the dialogue formatting.

Once I get through the classroom critique I will start working on the story again, and it will certainly get some added length, to help with the ending and others events I think need more time spent on them. I'm going into Film Studies within the next semester or two, and I'm hoping that one day this story will end up being the basis for one of my scripts or maybe even a short film.

Thanks for all the comments and support thus far.

[Tsele]

You know there is a Film Festival in US called 21... you have to make a movie from scratch in 21 days... You have the script (ok with some alterations)...

And nice to see you're going to be a Director. I work in a TV station as a graphic designer and see a lot of them everyday... especially one who studied in the US with whom we have long talks...

Hope to see it improved.