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  1. #1
    Senior Member Sister_mel's Avatar
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    Space Marine Commandments

    Space Marine Commandments:
    1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
    2. Orks are not "cute."
    3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
    4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
    5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
    6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
    7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
    8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
    9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
    10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (in a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
    11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
    12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
    13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag."
    14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
    15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed." :lol:
    16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings.
    17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
    18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
    19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino.
    20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino.
    21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
    22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".


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    Lol... still funny...


    An ork, space marine and an eldar are walking down the road. they see a chaos portal that has a sign on it. it says "say what is true or be sucked in". the space marine says "i think im the bravest" and walks past safely, the eldar says "i think im the most agile" and walks past safely. the ork says "i thinks..." and gets sucked into the portal.
    ________________________________________

    What's the difference between a Bolter and a Lasgun?
    Bolters need safety catches, lasgun's don't.

    ________________________________________

    Three commanders are lined up and arguing who has the braves troops in a hanger. A Blood Angle commander, a Imperial Guard Commander and a Sister of Battle Commander. The Sister of Battle orders one of her troops to jump out the air lock. She dose without hesitation. The Blood Angle Comander orders one of his troops to do the same. The Blood Angle roars and runs out the air lock screeming. The Imperial Guard Commander orders one of his own to do the same. The trooper replys, "SIR, NO SIR!" The Imperial Guard comander turns to to the others and says, "Now THAT is courage."

    _____________________________________

    MY FAVORITE: Joke of the day:

    Space Marine Commandments:
    1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
    2. Orks are not "cute."
    3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
    4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
    5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
    6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
    7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
    8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
    9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
    10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (in a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
    11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
    12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
    13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag."
    14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
    15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
    16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings.
    17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
    18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
    19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino.
    20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino.
    21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
    22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".
    ________________________________

    The most feared day for Space Wolves: Newtering day.Most anticipated day for Dark Angels: Laundry day.


    Thou have percepted the word of thy sisters and this is thy words:

    How many space marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: 100, one to screw it in and 99 to praise the Emperor.

    Q: How many Guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None, their lasguns work fine.

    Q: How many Wraithlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Just one, if you use THREE, we will all claim it is beardy.

    Q: How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: Three. One to screw it in, one to outlaw lightbulbs, and one to deny the existence of lightbulbs.

    Q: How many Tau does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: They don't screw them in. Their helmets are equipped with infra-red, heat and motion scanners along with camera linked to their drones which means they have to do no work at all themselves.

    Q: How many Squats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Oh, wait. GW doesn't support them any more.

    Q: How many Forgeworld light bulbs does it take to light a room?
    A: Just one, but it is a deluxe halogen bulb at 250 watts and costs $87.

    101 Uses for a Lasgun
    Warming soup.
    When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ.
    Disco effects/pyrotechnics.
    Cigarette lighter.
    Changing T.V channels.
    Selling to get funds for a better weapon.
    Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage)
    Using for grave marking for IG troops.
    Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage)Paperweight.
    Skeet shooting.
    A cooking utensil.Looking slightly menacing.
    Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight.
    Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly
    Burning ants

    A squad of sisters of battle were all being inserted by drop ship.The male pilot comes on the radio and says "We are just entering the system now and will be landing at base alpha zero zero in an hour.the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and turns to his male co-pilot and asks, "so what are you going to do when weve landed?"The co-pilot says "well firstly im gunna have a HUGE dump, 3 day anti-grav. flights don't do my bladder any good, then im gunna go see that new lt., you know, the one with the dark hair and huge breasts, take her out, wine her, dine her, then im gunna take her to my quarters...." and then proceeded to go into graphical detail of the nights animal-type loving.The new lt., horrified at the detail spewing from the speakers about various uses for the butt of the co-pilots plas-pistol, runs down the aisle to switch off the intercom, trips over a boltgun, and lands flat on her face.A new recruit sitting opposite turns and says "whho! calm down Maam! He's gotta have a shit first!"

    What do Sisters of Battle say after making love?
    "Are you boys all in the same platoon?"

    What the Emperor's thinking...

    "39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the Wall, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears, take one down, pass them around, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the wall. 39,001 bottles. . ."

    "You know, I've had this itch for 3,435 years, right at the base of my neck. . ."

    "Why can't they hook up a playstation 40,000 in here?"

    "Damn, my foot's asleep again."

    "You know, when I said sacrifice 1000 souls to me daily, they must have misunderstood. I actually meant sacrifice 1000 COALS. It's so cold in this huge throne room..."

    I knew most of em, but their still cool! Here's a few ways to annoy your opponent, note I actually do some of these:

    1. Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best course of action.
    2. Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Everytime a model dies, escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum the funeral theme tune.
    3. Bring a falsified rulebook ( hours of fun ).
    4. Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.
    5. Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.
    6. Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak aloud as you read- "he's gone there, so contingency plan 8a means that I should..."
    7. Insist opponent rolls all your dice for you. Complain and insult your opponent if you get any bad rolls.
    8. Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your opponent dramatically.
    9. Arrive before your opponent. Set up your army and then take the other side of the table. Act as if you are expecting to play with your opponent's army.
    10. Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball bearings.
    11. Bring a plastic kid's sword and 'challenge' your opponent. If he refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.
    12. Play dead if your general dies.
    13. Bring a Land-raider model from 40K. Leave it sitting conspicuously on your side of the table. Make cryptic references to the power of laser cannon in WHFB.
    14. Complain that you don't think you can trust your hero.
    15. Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game. Incessantly.
    16. Ask politely if your opponent wouldn't kill your general. Explain that its his birthday.
    17. Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the "fog of war".
    18. Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a craft knife.
    19. Arrange models in a diorama in the middle of the battle. Take photos for a "battle report."
    20. Sharpen your goblins' spears before the game with a craft knife. Grin widely.
    21. Cackle diabolically. "The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!"
    22. State before the game that you are playing for the title of the champion of the universe.
    23. Feel the personal loss of every soldier. "Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well."
    24. Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.
    25. Add sound FX. Kaboom!
    26. Ask if you can have TV rights to the game.
    27. Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your opponent!
    28. Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our forests. Refuse to let him kill your treemen. Refuse to let him move through woods.
    29. Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy Van.
    30. Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.
    31. Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. "Quick march, on the double- hut!"
    32. Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small spherical device. Give no other reasons.
    33. Wear a crown. Say that you are the "Lord of the Galaxy". Get a horde of admirers to cheer you on.
    34. Bring a stuffed, shaved poodle. Say it is your mascot.
    35. Grow a Hitler moustache and wear a swastika. 'Discipline' your troops if they fail to salute you.
    36. Cheer on your miniatures.
    37. Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of his troops.
    38. Leave a false army list lying around. Snatch it back angrily if your opponent starts to read it, but leave it visible.
    39. Pull out an ace surreptitiously ( but obviously ) from your sleeve during the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.
    40. Keep a deck of Magic the Gathering cards handy. When you are told it is "the magic phase" bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to cut your deck.
    41. Speak in Skaven. Neek- Neek!
    42. Tell him you've brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness of modern technology when you start to roll ones.
    43. Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at your opponent accusingly if they don't immediately come true. Ask him if he's used it.
    44. Ask what year it is. Ask where you are. Ask what game you are going to play. If he says warhammer, bring out an antique mallet and hit him with it. Smile a corny grin.
    45. Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.
    46. Don't place your wizard on the board at the start of the game. At the end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke screen and place down the wizard behind it while you yell, "poof!". When the smoke dissipates, say, "Tadaa!"
    47. Have a history written for every trooper. Start a family feud.
    48. Poor cheese sauce all over your opponent's army. Complain that it is cheesy.
    49. Come with an army painted completely flora purple. Wear dark glasses.
    50. Attempt to bribe your opponent's characters. Turn away quickly if your opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything.
    51. Refer to your miniatures only by their first name.
    52. Refer to his miniatures only by their first name.
    53. Try to bribe his units over to your side.
    54. Three words: Pastel Color Scheme.
    55. Rent advertising space on your unit banners.
    56. Offer your opponent the chance to surrender before the battle starts.
    57. Dress in character.
    58. Perform a play by play commentary in a Howard Cossell voice.
    59. Speak only in third person.
    60. Use huge brass dice. Roll them dangerously close to your opponent's figures.
    61. Use only the little red dice from Warhammer Quest.
    62. Only roll one die at a time.
    63. Play Britney Spears. Insist that is it "battle music." Put it on repeat.
    64. Name all your characters after obscure Hungarian royalty. Become annoyed if your opponent fails to notice.
    65. Claim your army is comprised of all women. When pressed, explain they are all in disguise as to not get kicked out of the army.
    66. Place a hammer on the table before the battle starts. Explain it is there to insure loyalty.
    67. Quote Sun Tzu often, but only irrelevantly.
    68. Every time one of his miniatures has unrestricted LOS to a target, say 'check'.
    69. Suggest obviously suicidal tactics to your opponents. Explain that 'that's what Custer would do'.
    70. Perform a rousing speech to your troops before the battle. Pose like Mussolini at the end.
    71. Secretly replace your opponent's miniatures one at a time with miniatures from other games.
    72. Claim your miniatures are proxied for another regiment, though that has no bearing on game play whatsoever.
    73. Place all of your infantry on individual monster bases.
    74. Flock your bases with sand. Do not use glue.
    75. Take a halftime break to play with your Blood Bowl cheerleaders.
    76. In rules disputes, reference on Hoyle's book of games.
    77. Place NASCAR-like ads all over your vehicles.
    78. Demand to change table sides at the halfway mark.
    79. Use Play-doh miniatures. When one is killed, pound it into the table with your fist angrily.
    80. When your figure reaches the opponent's table side, demand it be kinged.
    81. Measure distances only with a yardstick.
    82. On a bad roll, swear a blue streak. Use only obscenities approved judge Dredd.
    83. Sob uncontrollably while removing casualties.
    84. When you win, dump a tub of Gatorade on your commander.
    85. Include the word 'whoopass' on your army list as often as possible.
    86. Don't move your army. Don't fire. Flee when charged.
    87. Proxy a unit of O-scale cows for your commander's bodyguard. Don't forget to give them weapons.
    88. Converts all wheeled models into lowriders. Including cannons and chariots.
    89. Try to play multiple games at once like Gary Kasparov.
    90. Discuss tactics with your troops. Become argumentative.
    91. Four more words: Regis Philbin paint scheme.
    92. In a rules dispute, check 1st, 2nd and 3rd Edition 40k Rulebooks, "just to make sure the rules don't change in each book."
    93. Use a paintball gun to remove casualties. For both sides.
    94. Write army list in pig latin and binary.
    95. Fuzzy dice.
    96. Start each game with the national anthem.
    97. Have an inner monologue during the game. Digress frequently.
    98. During your opponent's turn, yodel.
    99. Each turn replace your commander with a new figure.
    100. After a good die roll, do a victory dance and spike the die.
    101. Write battle report during game. Take at least five minutes to write information between die rolls.
    _________________
    In the grim Darkness of the far Future, only a Nurgling is truly cute.


    It's not exactly 40K related, but nevertheless it's funny:


    Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...


    The Top 100 Things I'd Do
    If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord



    1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
    2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
    3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
    4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
    5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
    6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
    7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
    8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
    9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
    10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
    11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
    12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
    13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
    14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
    15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
    16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
    17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
    18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
    19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
    20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
    21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
    22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
    23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
    24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
    25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
    26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
    27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
    28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
    29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
    30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
    31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
    32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
    33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
    34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
    35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
    36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
    37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
    38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
    39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
    40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
    41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
    42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
    43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
    44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
    45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
    46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
    47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
    48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
    49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
    50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
    51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
    52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
    53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
    54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
    55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
    56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
    57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
    58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
    59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
    60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
    61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
    62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
    63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
    64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
    65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
    66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
    67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
    68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
    69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
    70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
    71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
    72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
    73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
    74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
    75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
    76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
    77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
    78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
    79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
    80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
    81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
    82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
    83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
    84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
    85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
    86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
    87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
    88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
    89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
    90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
    91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
    92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
    93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
    94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
    95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
    96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
    97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
    98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
    99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
    100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

  4. #3
    Son of LO BorninDarkness's Avatar
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    ehm why did you copy and paste an entire thread?
    Ze titles yez...
    When in doubt,
    Smite.
    <SilverMane> I would trust BID with my life
    <SilverMane> HEIL BID!
    <Adrian-> BiD is Omnipotent; All Knowing, All Powerful!
    <Scary_Troopers> I see you as an optimist, GT. : D

    But what of the midgets!?
    =]Front in favour of Moderation of the Harshest kind.[=


  5. #4
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    To tell her she's not the only one seeing the thread? ;P

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