My very long story... No it is! - Warhammer 40K Fantasy

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  1. #1
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    Aug 2005
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    My very long story... No it is!

    The Space Marine that lost his way…

    -Jefferson the Savior-
    (Just 2 minutes from the Golden palace Brother Jefferson was kicked out because he was Drinking, Smoking, Gambling, Selling Ork kidneys, Let his Whole squadron of scouts get killed by Orks! Killed a S.M.A. deliverer, failing to give 300 S.M.A. packages, failing to versus Kroot and letting another scout squad die, deifying the laws of Warhammer and Warhammer 40k by somehow getting a repeater bolt thrower, offending an Inquisitor, Not paying for a E.F.T meal, fighting twelve Kroot and 2 Kroot ox and winning, let free 24 Kroot hounds, let them bring there kill, use them as slaves, let them play with your Lascannon, letting them chew Curt’s legs off and sing a song about Him! …)

    The Story so Far…
    Space marine: Damn Honor Guard, telling me not to smoke, drink, gamble and sell Ork kidneys, letting my whole squadron of scouts get killed by Orks! kill a S.M.A. deliverer, failing to give 300 S.M.A. packages, failing to versus Kroot and letting another scout squad die, deifying the laws of Warhammer and Warhammer 40k by somehow getting a repeater bolt thrower, offending an Inquisitor, Not paying for my E.F.T meal, fighting twelve Kroot and 2 Kroot ox and winning, let free 24 Kroot hounds, let them bring there kill, use them as slaves, let them play with my Lascannon, letting them chew Curt’s legs off and sing a song about Him!

    (Just then the Space marine saw a grey knight beating the **** out of a Bloodthirster)

    Space marine: How’s it going Bill! Beating up some more chaos lords!
    Grey Knight: Can’t…Talk… Beating… ****… out of… Daemon…
    Space marine: Okay! See you Tuesday!
    Bloodthirster: Why does this happen to ME!

    (Brother Jefferson was still walking around and meeting other strange people…)

    Space marine: Hey there Harlequin! Don’t aim that sniper at me young man!
    Harlequin: You’re at the Black library…
    Space marine: Soooo…
    Harlequin: Guh? So like get away from there!
    Space marine: Wow… I walked that far…

    (Yeah I can’t believe that bull **** either… so then Jefferson walks in another direction…)

    Space marine: Man, I’m Hungry…
    -Then this Ox appears and is he in deep **** or what!-
    Ox: Mooo!
    Space marine: Meat! Sweet delicious Fattening meat!
    -Unfortunately we can’t show you what happened so um…yeah-

    (So then he met up with his old corrupted friend from dark Eldar)

    Space marine: How’s it going Frankie?
    Dark Eldar: Ohhh, the usual, enslaving humanity spooking Orks and selling there kidneys…
    Space marine: You’re sick in your face!
    Dark Eldar: What? I’m enjoying it! I get free food, Hit by my masters, and I get to talk to the chaos lords, there nice…
    Space marine:......I’m going to eat you now…..
    Dark Eldar: I thought you already ate? I mean look at all that blood…
    Space Marine: Nah, It was just a supplementary dish…
    - Again we can’t show the following…Lousy censorship…-

    (Then after having his second meal of a stringy Xenos, Jefferson decided to go to the safety of the Tau home planet…)

    Space marine: Whoa… Not to shabby, though it could use some blinds…
    Ethereal: You can’t go any further this is private property and-
    Space marine: I don’t Care!
    -Brother Jefferson got his Lascannon and blasted the ethereal to pieces…-
    Space marine: You like that Bit-
    Tau fire warrior: Stop! Evil doer, your destruction stops he-
    Space marine: Suck on my Lascannon!
    - Boom! –
    Tau water caste: Let us negotiate this matt-
    Space marine: Negotiate this Fool!
    - Kaboom! -
    Space marine: That first guy was better….

    (Because of this it was televised on the Tau Planet and no where else… unless you have cable T.V. Then after his rampage on the Tau planet he went to some place…)

    Space marine: How could I have walked to a Tau planet?
    Space marine: You’re not worth my time…
    Space marine: Okay!
    - Loud crunching noises –
    Space marine: Like...Chicken….I’ll eat you too!
    Necron: //NOOOO THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING TO MEeeeeeeeeee //
    Space marine: Nah, that wasn’t the same as the gun…

    (…Now that was not true, How could you eat some weird metal… anyways later on that day Jefferson met a friend from Mars…)

    Space marine: ohhh… I think the fumes are getting to my head…
    Tech marine: Welcome Jefferson long time no see!
    Space marine: Yeeeaaahhh! Hey could you get me a Gas mask I really can’t take the smell of Plutonium and Toxic pollution in the air…
    Tech marine: Sure thing!
    Space marine: Thanks an-…. Wait a minute, there’s a hole in the air tank!
    Tech marine: Now you see… Because I'm really a Star God!
    - Tech marine morphs into a Star God-
    Space marine: This is Bull ****! How can he be a Star God! He went through those entire tests! This is complete and Utter Bull ****!

    POINTS| WS | BS | S | T | W | I | A | Ld | Sv |
    1000 10 6 10 10 4 1 2 11 3+/3+
    Weapons: Super Star God Cannon, Godlike

    Super Star God Cannon
    - 18? Range
    - Strength 10, Ap 2
    - F*****g Heavy 1
    - Rules Pinning, Gets to F*****g Hot!

    - Strength 6 weapons Can’t wound
    - Recover wound on a 3+ next turn
    - Weapon skill needed to hit 6
    - Get 10 attacks if it’s charging

    Space marine: Wait a minute! If you do that I can use this Weapon from the Bull **** Weaponry!

    Bull **** Weaponry
    - Half every stat of the enemy and no Sv
    - Take leader ship test with 5 dice
    - Any Monstrous creature divides there stat by 5 and no Sv

    Space marine: So do you like that!
    - Activating Bull **** Weapon –

    (Later on Jefferson got back to being in the golden palace and they had a big party that it blew up a whole planet of chaos daemons… And Grey Knight Bill got a higher rank in his squadron he is now a Justicar… The Ox is currently being digested in Jefferson’s small intestines… The Dark Eldar is also swirling in the stomach of Jefferson… The Tau had news reports all over the planets… The Necron is now dissolving in Jefferson’s Body… The Star God was currently blown up by a bull **** weapon and is locked in the bull **** dimension forever…)

    Currently the End

    (Other stories of Jefferson…)


    (The Story so far Jefferson has just got his progenoid gland and is now a scout and he is sent on a mission to kill a horde of Orks near some base…)

    Jefferson: Whoa my first mission ever!-
    Scout 1: Ork horde in the west sector I think there distracted!
    Scout 2: No, there playing Gretchen Hacky - Sack!
    Scout 3: Jefferson head of to the east sector and attack the Gretchen mob! Jefferson… JEFFERSON!!!
    Jefferson: Yes sir!

    (As Jefferson was walking to the east sector the west side scouts died in five minutes - They went into close - combat… What idiots!)

    Jefferson: My first mission!
    Slaver: Move along Scum!
    Gretchen 1: But we can't!
    Slaver: I don't care youse are 'ere cos youse suppose to protect da boys from enemy fire!
    Jefferson: My first miss-
    Gretchen 2: Human!!!
    Slaver: What! Wheres?
    Jefferson: (how did I walk this far?)…. Surrender!
    Gretchen Mob: Haaahahahahahah!
    Jefferson: What? What did I say?
    Slaver: Youse ones of a silly ones aren't youse!
    Gretchen 3: Hahaha-
    Slaver: Shut up Scum!
    Jefferson: Look! A Big gun!
    Slaver: Where?!
    -Jefferson sneaks away to the forest-
    Slaver: Wait 'a minute?
    Jefferson: (****!)… I need to pee?
    Slaver: Get 'em!
    Jefferson: (Remember what the custodian said "Shut up and eat your lunch!" Okay not the best memory so far…)... Seriously…
    Slaver: Not 'a chance!
    Jefferson: (Okay try to remember... Wait! I know a solution!)
    -Throws car magazine at the slaver-
    Slaver: What the- Hey! Trukks!
    Gretchen Mob: Uhhhhhhhh!

    (Jefferson ran to the forest and dialed 1800-Alien-Hunter but it was an answering machine so he dialed 1800-Spacemarine-Armoury and they came to the planet in five minutes...)

    Delivery Dude: You order a spanking new Razorback?
    Jefferson: Okay? How much?
    Delivery Dude: How much what?
    Jefferson: How Much!
    Delivery Dude: What?
    Delivery Dude: You don't owe me anything...
    Jefferson: Okay, I'll just be goin-
    Delivery Dude: Hey! Where my money?
    Jefferson: (Sighs)... When I said "How much do I owe you?" I meant "How much money do I owe you?"
    Delivery Dude: wheres my money?
    Jefferson: (Sighs)
    -Pulls out bolt pistol-
    Delivery Dude: Hey! What about my mon-
    Jefferson: I think I'm going to like my new Razorback...

    (Jefferson didn't know how to drive a Razorback so he read the manual, it took him three hours to read the first sentence because he did not turn the book the right way up...)

    Jefferson: Okay! Let's get this baby moving!
    Machine spirit: FIRST OF ALL I'M NOT A BABY
    Jefferson: Who are you?
    Jefferson: Move!
    Machine spirit: LET ME FINISH MY SENTANC-
    Jefferson: Gidiup horsy!
    Machine spirit: OKAY IF YOU INSIS-
    Jefferson: Yeeehaaa!
    Machine spirit: SYSTEMS TURNED ON-
    Jefferson: I need to pee...

    (It took Jefferson ten minutes to shut up, so they moved to the Gretchen mob with his Razorback...)

    Slaver: That humies back...
    Gretchen 1: You mean the one in the tank?
    Slaver: I don't see no tank-
    -Heavy bolter bullets shot right next to the Slavers head-
    Gretchen 3: Help us-
    -Gretchens gets shot by the heavy bolter-
    Slaver: Huh? What the-
    -Slaver gets shot in the head by the heavy bolter-
    Jefferson: I'm on a roll!
    Machine spirit: WHAT KIND OF ROLL
    Jefferson: Business!

    (After Jefferson killed the Gretchen mob he was located and brought back by a Thunder Hawk...)

    Jefferson: So why am I sent to the commission of Space marine Armory again?
    Machine spirit: I HAVE NO IDEA
    Jefferson: I still thought you could be armed with better weapons to my standards...
    Security guard: Pipe down in there! Some of us are watching Emper-tel digital!
    Jefferson: Don't they cost a fortune?
    Security guard: I said pipe down in there!
    -The hatch opened-
    Jefferson: I guess this is where I'm suppose to be... right? Seriously I don't know?
    Armory guard: Come with me!
    - Jefferson followed the guard and was sent to a small room-
    Jefferson: Whoa, this place need renovating-
    ???: Silence!
    Jefferson: Whoa, the mirrors are talking to me!
    ???: What? No you're mistaken...
    Jefferson: No, you're mistaken Mr. Mirror!
    ???: (Whispers)...What is he an idiot?
    ???: You, Brother Jefferson, are sent to, one year of delivery!
    Jefferson: I'm cool with that...

    (That was the shortest court conference I have ever seen... Anyways Jefferson was sent to community service and Mr. Mirror was back to doing his day job... Whatever that is...)

    -Community Service-

    (The story so far... Jefferson is to do one year of community service for Space marine Armory, here are some of his deliveries...)

    Jefferson: Let's see here... one delivery to librarian Trox...
    -Hatch opens-
    Jefferson: Are you librarian Trox?
    Librarian: Off course fool! You down with the M-G?
    Jefferson: Negative, I am with the S-M-A...
    Librarian: What this about hommie?
    Jefferson: It's about you ordering a Tyranid special!
    Librarian: Oh, yeah I ordered that you punk ass!
    Jefferson: Now you give me the mon- I mean dough!
    Librarian: What you talking bout fool?
    Jefferson: Food!... You give me dough for food!
    Librarian:...Why didn't you say so?...Fool!
    Jefferson: (Sigh)...Where was it in the manual... If they do not pay you have the liberty of killing them...
    -Pulls out a Melta gun-
    Librarian: What's that foo-
    -Trox gets shot in the head by the Melta gun-
    Jefferson: That’s one delivery done and two hundred and ninety-nine to go...

    (Jefferson forgot to get the 4th Edition Space marine Armory Manual... Here is his last delivery...)

    Jefferson: Okay...Lets see... What! To the planet.... I can’t read this!
    Pilot: You have it upside-down!
    Jefferson: No need to be a show off! (Sobs)
    -Hatch opens-
    Jefferson: Hello Mr. Hive the 975th!
    Hive: (Screeches)
    Jefferson: Don’t you yell at me young man!
    Hive: (Screeches Louder)
    - 50,000 Termagants leap from the horizon-
    Jefferson: These must be your children!
    Termagants: (All screech)
    Jefferson: Now where were we...Okay can you tell your son not to rip my armour off that’s very expensive!
    Hive: (Screeches)
    Jefferson: Now sign initials here, here and here...
    -The hive pulls out its tongue and stabs the form three times-
    Jefferson: Now I’m off to stop my delivery, and enjoy that meal you ordered!
    -The hive puts the package of three hundred imperial troopers on the ground-
    Imperial Trooper: I’m still...alive!
    Hive: (Screeches)
    Imperial Trooper: Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
    -Mean while-
    Jefferson: I reckon I did a great job! And that is one happy family!
    Pilot: Right Mr. Jefferson Sir.

    -Kroot Invasion-

    (Jefferson was free after all his hard work... Jefferson was sent to his Next mission at a Kroot planet and had specific tasks to shove onions in the Kroots eye sockets till they were no more...)

    Jefferson: Well it’s not easy... I want to be in Power armour!!!!
    Scout 1: Oh shh! The sergeant will be very angry!
    Sergeant: How many times do I have to tell you **** Bags to be Quiet!
    Distanced Voice: eleven?
    Sergeant: That doesn’t Matter!
    Jefferson: (Sob) I want to be in Power armour!!!!
    Sergeant: Okay you first!
    Jefferson: Whaaaa!!!! What?
    Sergeant: Yeah you infiltrate first with Andrew!
    Andrew: Yes sir!
    Jefferson: (You dummy what can possible go wrong?)
    -Thirty seconds Later-
    Scout 1: aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
    Scout 2: My limbs aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
    Jefferson: (umm... I’m outta here!)... Rats....
    Andrew: Kroot are after me!!! Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
    -Bones cracking-
    Kroot: (Scream)
    Sergeant: Jefferson! (Bones crack)
    Jefferson: (.......I’m back! sorry bout that you know vacation and all)...Rats...
    Scout 3: Jefferson gets the heavy bolt-
    -Bones crack-
    Kroot: (Scream)
    Jefferson: uh, the heavy bolt? (Think, think!.... He must mean repeater bolt thrower from the high elves!)...Of course it’s got to be!
    -Skips along to the armory-
    Scout 4: Jefferson remember to get the Heavy bolt-
    -Spine snaps-
    Jefferson: I will Jack!
    -Jefferson arrives at the armory-
    Jefferson: where is it?........Here it is!
    -Pulls out repeater bolt thrower from high elves-
    Jefferson: Now to read the instructions.... let’s see ‘ecalp eht tolb ni eht tols’......hum?
    -Not noticing Jefferson had the book upside-down-
    Kroot 2: krnolockanucknuck! (Translation: What a stupid space marine! Haaahahahahahah!)
    Jefferson: I heard that young man!
    Kroot 1: gimmemorluck? Icansucklotadic! (Translation: Young man? I’m not even man pathetic space marine!)
    Jefferson: I heard that frenchy!
    Kroot: (Scream)
    -Horde of Kroot rise from the horizon-
    Jefferson: okay time to put the repeater bolt thrower from high elves-
    Jefferson: ha-ha!
    -Bolt hits Jefferson’s head because he didn’t set it up properly-Jefferson: ah! My eye’s my! (Thank god it didn’t hit me! The brain)...My eye!
    Kroot 3: krnolockanmechsuc! (Translation: What a stupid space marine! It only hit his elbow)
    Jefferson: okay no need to cry...
    Kroot 1: Nunssucverimuch? (Translation: Do you think we should feast with him?)
    Jefferson: Feast eh? What served?
    Kroot 4: Novakristalsblindies... (Translation: Whatever we killed on the battle field plus your friend’s leftover limbs...)
    Jefferson:....Did you now that E=Mc2? It’s great!
    Kroot 2: stirangedye? Peoplergay! (Translation: E=Mc2? What is the meaning of this travesty?)
    Jefferson: E=Mc2 didn’t you guys know that?
    -Kroot look at each other-
    Kroot 5: Nobodiliksme... (Translation: Space marine we won’t kill you, on one condition...)
    Jefferson: What is it?
    Kroot 2: Manipepledyeinmygaurden... (Translation: To tell the Tau we need more weapons within 2 weeks-)
    -While the Kroot was talking to Jefferson he was putting onions in one of the Kroots eye sockets-
    Kroot 2: Bibellisxtreamlyrong (translation: Sorry but that won’t work on us Kroot)
    Jefferson: Damn... (Just think about it! Jefferson do what they want you to do!)...What was the deal? I mean meal!

    (After 20 hours of Kroot explaining what to do Jefferson went of on his journey to tell the Tau the Kroot needed some more weapons with in 2 weeks and that they would be grateful...)

    Jefferson: The Tau Home planet nice but could use some blinds or two...
    Tau water caste: Hello there Mr. space marine sir!
    Jefferson: Yeah I’m here to um?...(what was it think Jefferson think! The Kroot need ---- more weapons ---- in - weeks and ---- ---- would -- -rate---...) the Kroot need more weapons in weeks and would rate you.
    Tau water caste: Mr. Space Marine could you now leave our planet for the next 40 thousand millennia please!
    Jefferson: Sure can but I need to use your restroom...I need to pee...
    Tau water caste: You can’t fool me! Heard that one already, and got invaded! So no way...
    Jefferson: Fine I’ll go now!

    (Jefferson left the planet and flew back to the golden palace... Mean while the scouts were being eaten by Kroot and plenty more bird faced creatures such as the lord of change...)

    -The Party-

    (Jefferson was done and obviously had to celebrate his Victory and lied about it of course... So here is how he partied!)

    Jefferson: I’m Drunk as a?... Drunk!
    Space marine 1: Jefferson you only had one drink and already you’re drunk?
    Jefferson: Yeah? I think I had one or? Drunk!
    Space marine 2: Jefferson...It was non-alcoholic beer...
    Jefferson: What you talking bout? Drunk!
    Space marine 1: May the Emperor live to not see this...
    Space marine 3: Let’s leave him alon-
    -Door opens-
    Inquisitor: What the Hell is going on here!
    Space marine 1: Nothing Brix!
    Space marine 4: Yes! There is one of our brothers Drunk on Non- Alcoholic beer!
    Jefferson: What are you talking about Brix I ain’t drunk!
    Space marine 3: Let’s not anger the ma-
    -Gets punched by Jefferson-
    Jefferson: Yeah! Listen to the man with the black eye!
    Space marine 3: Jeffer...son! use a!...power fist!!!!!...
    -Aching in pain-
    Jefferson: I can’t let Lucy alone in my chamber!
    Inquisitor: This scout couldn’t even beat a Gretchen on its knees!
    Space marines: Haaahahahahahah!
    Jefferson: (Jefferson you going to let this bully tease you! Fight him what would go wrong anyways?)...Brix let’s fight right here right now!
    Inquisitor: Bah! This will be fun!
    -30 seconds later-
    Space marine 2: He just couldn’t take the challenge...
    Inquisitor: Where’d he go?

    (Jefferson ran with all his might to a place were grey knights were...)

    Grey Knight 1: Man I’m bored as I mean daemons are fun to kill but there are none here!
    Grey Knight 2: Bob there are no daemons on Holy Terra!
    Jefferson: Hello-
    -Bob grabs his Phycannon and aims at Jefferson-
    Grey Knight 1 (Bob): It’s just a Space marine....
    Jefferson: I’m no space marine! I’m Brother Jefferson!
    Grey Knight 2: Who?
    Jefferson: I’m brother Jefferson
    Grey Knight 1 (Bob): So what are you doing out here?
    Jefferson: I ran away from a fight... with an inquisitor...
    Grey Knight 2: Jefferson he’s right behind you...
    Jefferson: Don’t play with my head!
    Inquisitor: No they won’t, but I will!
    Jefferson: By the Emperors toothpick Ahhh!
    Inquisitor: Not this tim-
    -Jefferson runs away-
    Inquisitor: Damn!
    Grey Knight 2: I’m confused?
    Grey Knight 1 (Bob): I saw it coming...
    Grey Knight 2: He’ll forget this ever happened tomorrow...

    (The next day...)

    Inquisitor: So Bob tell us how your report went on operation ‘Find daemons on Holy Terra’...
    Grey Knight 1 (Bob): We failed the task as there were no daemons on Holy Terra that is all...
    Inquisitor: That’s it? I gave you 10 hours on this report!

    (And he did forget about it...)


    (After the party Jefferson went to look for food so he decided to go to either ‘Emperors Fried Tyranids’, ‘Mc Emperor’ or ‘Hungry Emperors’...)

    Jefferson: Andrew what do you think we should order?
    Andrew: Jefferson I wish I could eat but the Kroot broke every bone in my body!
    Jefferson: Don’t brag about it!
    -Hatch Opens-
    Waiter: Hello and welcome to E.F.T. the finest cooked Tyranids across the land! Can I take your order?
    Jefferson: Yeah I’d like a 5th leg some Lictor Claws and uh some Large Rippers...
    Waiter: That comes to 50 Emperbucks!
    Jefferson: 50! That’s a rip off!
    Waiter: Hey we create the food and you digest! So pay up!
    Andrew: Jefferson take my wallet!
    Jefferson: And?
    Andrew: I have the money to pay for the food!
    Jefferson: uh?... (Jefferson don’t come to me at a problem so easy!)... You said ‘have the money take the money’! (Idiot!)
    Andrew: I don’t know why I team up with you!
    Waiter: Give the money or I’ll report you to the emperor!
    Jefferson: And who is that!
    Andrew: I wish he would listen!
    Waiter: Sorry if you don’t pay I’m going to take other peoples order like that Kroot in line and the Mr. Hive 186th...
    Hive: (Screeches)
    Kroot: Ipindatoilit! (Translation: What’s taking so long!)
    Jefferson: Mr. Hive 186th do you have to scream so loud! And Kroot puh! What do they know they only eat what they kill cannibal! And-
    -Kroot bites Jefferson arm-
    Jefferson: ... don’t do that it’s very expensive!...
    Kroot: Myi? Hertssomuch! (Translation: That’s armour expensive? Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!)
    Hive: (Screeches)
    Jefferson: Yes it is! It’s worth 25 Emperbucks and 50 Heretics...
    Waiter: Sir that’s less than this food...
    Andrew: Here waiter just take all the money I have, it’s in the far left storage compartment of my armour...
    Waiter: Thank you! Now leave!

    (Jefferson and Andrew are on there way to sit down in seat ZBNJIPOLITRE 98465091...)

    Jefferson: I think this is our seat...
    Andrew: Jefferson...
    Jefferson: Yes?
    Andrew: I need my morphine if I’m going to sit down...
    Jefferson: Whatever...
    (Jefferson sits down)
    Grot1: Hey!
    Grot3: Yeah got off!
    Grot4: I can’t take working with Orks and now this!
    Grot2: It’s Jefferson!
    All Grots: Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    -Grots run away-
    Andrew: Wait let me see if this is our seat...
    -Looks at sign-
    Andrew: This is ZBNJIPOLITRE 88783111 not ZBNJIPOLITRE 98465091! Jefferson...
    Jefferson: Yes?
    Andrew: You’re so dumb!
    Jefferson: Yes?
    Andrew: That’s it I’m going back to my chamber!
    Jefferson: Yes?
    -Andrew walks off-
    Jefferson: Hum? Yes?
    Grot1: There he is!
    Grot4: That’s him!
    Jork: Dis humie!
    Jefferson: Yes?
    Grot3: He sat on us! Only you can sit on us-
    -Gets sat on by Jork-
    Jork: ‘isten humie!
    Jefferson: Yes?
    Jork: Don’t youse be sittin on mys Grots! Andz it’s me Frikkin dey off!
    Jefferson: Yes?-
    -Jefferson gets hit by Jork’s Power claw-
    Jork: What da?
    Grot1: It was a dummy?
    Grot4: Jork I mean Master...
    Jorks: Whatz?
    Grot4: Can we go...

    (Jefferson wasn’t really there he was still at this seat AAAAAAAAAAAA 00000001 because he was getting attacked by twelve Kroot and 2 Kroot Ox... He won...)

    -Jefferson gets his Power armour-

    (Finally Jefferson is getting his Power armour after all his ‘Hard’ work, Here is what happened...)

    Jefferson: I finally get my Power armour!
    Scout 4: I know! I get to have a 3+ Armour save!
    Scout 2: I finally get a Bolter!
    Scout 3: I finally get a Helmet!
    Scout 5: I finally get to Look Cool!
    Distant Voice: Runescape rules!
    Scout 1: Hommie I finally get my M-G!
    Space Marine 1: Okay! Enough Talking! Now do you all know the responsibility of being in Power armour!
    All Scouts and Jefferson: Yes- No!
    Distant Voice: Adventure Quest Sucks!
    Space Marine 2: I’ll explain what the responsibilities are, now the Rules are no Smoking, Drinking, Gambling, Selling Ork Kidneys-
    Scout 1 and 3: Ohhh...
    Space Marine 2: Sitting on grots, Fighting twelve Kroot and 2 Kroot Ox at once and winning, and there are Plenty more in the manual...

    (Jefferson was then put in his Power armour, but he forgot every rule in the manual in 2 minutes, Jefferson now is sent on a mission to find some lost and the damned warriors and sentence them to be beheaded...)

    -Lost and the Damned-

    Jefferson: I get Power armour! Yah, oh, yah!
    Sergeant: Jefferson...
    Jefferson: What?
    Sergeant: Shut up will you!
    Jefferson: I like chocolate!
    Pilot: Landing on Brekalega!
    -Hatch opens-
    Sergeant: Jefferson you head in and defend the Relic with Andrew!
    Jefferson: Sir...
    Sergeant: What!
    Jefferson: Andrews still lost in E.F.T. sir...
    -AT E.F.T.-
    Andrew: Jefferson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-
    Sergeant: Then team up with Curt!
    Curt: Armed and read-
    Jefferson: N-ER-D! N-ER-D!
    Sergeant: Jefferson...
    Jefferson: N-ER-D! - Yes sir?
    Sergeant: Get on the planet...

    (Jefferson and Curt set at the Relic, Jefferson plays with his Lascannon while Curt does Extreme Super Quantum Neutrino Carapace Physics... N-ER-D! ...)

    Jefferson: Curt what are we meant to do?
    Curt: Well, we are meant to defend the Relic...
    Jefferson: I hate defending! Although! I have three Lascannons in my pocket?
    Curt: No Jefferson! Those are not toys an-
    -Jefferson shoot wildly in the air with the three Lascannons set up as artillery-
    Jefferson: What?
    Curt: Hope you didn’t hit something-
    -A space hulk was in this sector and, you know-
    Jefferson: Whoa! Strength 9 rules! ... I wonder?
    Curt: No Jefferson! Don’t you even! -
    -Ten minutes later-
    Curt: Jefferson, I can’t believe you let free 24 Kroot hounds, let them bring there kill, use them as slaves, let them play with your Lascannon, the most annoying! Letting them chew my legs off and singing a song about me!
    Jefferson: NERD! NERD! NERD! NERD! NERD! NERD! Oh yeah Curt is a Nerd! And like to eat Bert! Oh you’re a big fat stupid ugly Nerd!!!!!!!!! NEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!
    -Curt pulls out his Walky Talkie-
    Curt: Reporting to Sergeant Shovitindere! This is Curt responding! Get me outta here!
    Sergeant: Right away!
    -Sergeant arrives in 2 minutes-
    Sergeant: Oh no! I knew Curt was a too big a nerd to handle this!
    Curt: Sergeant!
    Jefferson: Huh?... (Jefferson... chichcichi...) Oh ****!

    (Jefferson was sent to the Golden palace but while he was going there he was Drinking, Smoking, Gambling and Selling Ork Kidneys...)

    Jefferson: Sergeant?
    Jefferson: Are mad at me?
    Jefferson: What I say?
    -Hatch Opens-
    Jefferson: The Golden Palace is so! So!
    Curt: Golden...
    Sergeant: Report to the Emperor for your record of behavior!
    -Hatch Closes-
    Jefferson: What was his problem!
    Custodian 1: Brother Jefferson...
    Jefferson: That’s me!-
    -Gets punched in the face-
    Custodian 1: That’s for saying something back to me!
    Jefferson: So what?-
    -Gets punched in the face again-
    Custodian 1: And that time too!
    Jefferson: What time! It’s only half past 12!-
    -Gets punched in the face another time-
    Custodian 1: And that one too! Now follow me upstairs!
    Jefferson: Okay-
    -Gets punched in the face another time-
    Custodian 1: I love my job!

    (As soon as they got to the actually top there were 5 Honor Guards a 15 Custodian waiting for Jefferson’s final decision...)

    Custodian 1: Now get down on your knees!
    Jefferson: Okay but why?-
    -Gets kicked in the back-
    Custodian 1: Because it makes it seem more beg full!
    Honor Guard 1: Shut up Brother Jefferson!
    -Gets lashed by a Dark Eldar agonizer-
    Jefferson: Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
    Honor Guard 4: Now are you aware of what you have done?
    Jefferson: No?!
    -Gets lashed by agonizer again-
    Custodian 13: Be quiet!
    Jefferson: Why? When? And who?
    -Gets kicked in the back by all 15 Custodians-
    Honor Guard 3: These are the laws you have broken! Let your Whole squadron of scouts get killed by Orks! Killed a S.M.A. deliverer, failing to give 300 S.M.A. packages, failing to versus Kroot and letting another scout squad die, deifying the laws of Warhammer and Warhammer 40k by somehow getting a repeater bolt thrower, offending an Inquisitor, Not paying for a E.F.T meal, fighting twelve Kroot and 2 Kroot ox and winning and finally the most offending! You let free 24 Kroot hounds, let them bring there kill, use them as slaves, let them play with your Lascannon, the most annoying! Letting them chew Curt’s legs off and sing a song about Him! I only hope for a good explanation brother Jefferson!
    Jefferson: .............
    Honor Guard 3: I thought so! Now you are banished from the Imperium forever!
    <<< Dum Dum! >>>
    Jefferson: NOOOoooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...............

    (This is where our story left of from, Well I hope you enjoyed the story of Jefferson (so far) you’ll be surprised of what’s coming up next! ...)

    Jefferson in Terminator Armour!
    I wonder what’s next!
    Note: The Text is Now Red as it is the Next season...

    -Space Hulk-

    (So now that Jefferson has had his fun he is now put into Terminator armour, I know that the text is different!... Note: Andrew is actually back and now Jefferson’s enemy...)

    Jefferson: Damn! I didn’t know it was going to happen this Fast!
    Terminator 1: Now are you all aware of Terminator hood?
    Andrew: Yes it’s straight after Power armour hood!
    All Space marines except Jefferson: Hahaha-
    Terminator 2: Silence! Now the rules are exactly the same as Power armour but there is one extra rule... No mods!
    All Space marines: What!?
    Curt: Eh? Mods?
    Jefferson: You really don’t pay attention do you Curt! Mods mean modifications idiot!
    Curt: Oh! Like what?
    Jefferson: Like jump packs, Holy Relic so and so...
    Curt: Okay! Now I get it!
    Jefferson: Yes!

    (Next Jefferson is sent on a mission on space hulk...)

    Jefferson: I’m not sure about this...
    Curt: Jefferson doesn’t it say that space hulks are filled with thousands of genestealers?
    Jefferson: No comment...
    Terminator Sergeant: Okay this is where we stand out we have to unlock the first hatch then-
    Jefferson: Whatever! I have a manual!
    Curt: I thought you can’t read?
    Jefferson: Shut up!
    Terminator Sergeant: Okay you all know what to do right?
    Everyone: Yes- no!
    Terminator Sergeant: Okay! Now to your positions!
    -Everyone goes into different rooms-
    <<<Andrew and another random terminator>>>
    Andrew: I think we’re close...
    Terminator 1: I think not!
    Andrew: Why not?
    Terminator 1: Well the Genestealer screeches loud if it’s far away, if it screeches softly if it’s near...
    Andrew: That’s a tiger...
    Terminator 1: Whatever!
    -Distant screech-
    Andrew: So are you saying it’s not near? Hey say something!-
    -Andrew looks behind and sees the terminator gone and there is a trail of blood on the floor-
    Andrew: ..............Oh ****!
    <<<Two random Terminators and the Sergeant>>>
    Terminator 2: So our objective is what?
    Terminator 3: Stop saying that! It’s the fifth time!
    Terminator 2: Sorry... Sergeant!-
    Terminator Sergeant: If it’s about our objective I’m not answering!
    Terminator 2: ............
    -Distant screech-
    Terminator 2: Whoa! A screech!
    Terminator 3: Where’s the sergeant?
    -They look behind and the sergeant is gone and there is a trail of blood-
    Terminator 2: Okay, this ain’t cool!
    <<<Another 3 random Terminators>>>
    Terminator 4: I hate patrol!
    Terminator 6: Tell me about it!
    Terminator 5: What? Sorry I was listening to emperradio...
    Terminator 4: Never mind!
    -Distant Screech-
    Terminator 6: Did you hear that?
    Terminator 5: Hear what?
    Terminator 6: Where’s the other guy?
    -They look behind and the other guy is gone and there is a trail of blood-
    Terminator 6: Ahhh!!!!!!!
    Terminator 5: What?
    <<<Jefferson and Curt>>>
    Jefferson: I’m so bored!
    Curt: Just don’t use your Lascannons!
    Jefferson: Whatever Bert!
    Curt: It’s Curt!
    Jefferson: Yeah! Yeah! Nert!
    Curt: It’s Curt!!!
    -Distant Screech-
    Jefferson: I said whatever!
    Jefferson: Huh? Say something!
    -Jefferson look behind and Curt is gone and there is a trail of blood-
    Jefferson: ........Ahhh!!!!!....I cut my finger!
    <<<At secret Genestealer place>>>
    Terminator 1: Where am I? Huh?
    Genestealer 3: Muarrggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
    Terminator 1: ........Ahhh!!!!!!!
    -Sorry it’s censored-
    Terminator 4: No! Not you!
    Genestealer 1: (Genestealer is smirking)
    Terminator 4: No you don’t!
    Genestealer 1: (Nods) (Gets its claws out)
    Terminator 4: Why didn’t I become a farmer...
    -Sorry this is also censored-
    Terminator Sergeant: What happened? Huh?
    Genestealer 2: (Genestealer does hand signals Translation: I don’t know? I know that you’re going to die!)
    Terminator Sergeant: After 60 years in the business...this is how it ends!
    Curt: ..........
    Genestealer 4: (Stares at Curt)
    Curt: ..........
    Genestealer 4: (Smiles)
    Curt: ..........
    Genestealer 4: (Frowns)
    Curt: ..........
    Genestealer 4: (Cleans its self)
    Curt: ..........Huh?
    Genestealer 4: (Rolls its eyes)
    Curt: ..........Jefferson?
    Genestealer 4: (Snore)
    Curt: Jefferson never sleeps...Wait a minute! You’re a-
    -Censored! Damn it’s censored!
    <<<Jefferson, Andrew and the other 4 guys rally up>>>
    Jefferson: Okay!
    Andrew: What is?
    Terminator 5: What?
    Jefferson: I just wanted to clarify!
    -Bum Bum Ching!-
    Distant voice: Weak!
    Jefferson: Okay what we do is....
    -You have to find out later-
    Emper-tel digital now only 100,000 Emperbucks per millennium!
    Go to
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    1800- Emper-tel Digital

    Hey kids! Do you want to be armed with deadly fire arms? Well join the fight for war today!
    Be either the emperor’s numbers or the emperors finest!
    Note: That to be the emperors finest you need to be physically and mentally Strong and you will lose memory of your friends, Relatives, Pets and Porn mags...

    The 44,000,000,000
    A show on Hive fleet Leviathan invading Holy Terra! What will happen to the imperium?
    Note: This has happened...They did nothing really...

    War or No War
    A Brutal game for Ork kind! From half a grot to 200,000 grots!
    And there are slaver offers!
    Now on Emper-tel digital

    -We’re back!-
    Jefferson: Is that a good idea!
    Terminator 6: It sounds impossible!
    Andrew: And why am I the Bait!
    Terminator 5: What?
    <<<Jefferson puts his plan into action>>>
    Genestealer 1: (Burps)
    All Genestealers: (Look behind confused)
    Jefferson: Hey Genestealers!
    All Genestealers: (Angered)
    Andrew: I’m a female Genestealer!
    All Genestealers: (Confused)
    Andrew: I am!
    All Genestealers: (Confused)
    Andrew: (whispers to Jefferson) ...Are you aware that there are no female Genestealers!
    Jefferson: It was either that or you’d have to die...
    Andrew: Okay! Okay!
    All Genestealers: (Confused)
    All other Terminators: Eat Strength 9 Genestealers!
    All Genestealers: (Surprised)
    Jefferson: E=Mc2!
    Distant voice: It doesn’t!
    Jefferson: Who keeps on saying that?

    (Jefferson then did the dirty work but cutting open the Genestealers and getting the Sergeant and other Terminators out of there bodies...)

    The Black book of tales
    Jefferson was actually a Grand Master Inquisitor! With his Thunder hammer named “Eatdisudumazdaemin? until one day Jefferson was sent to destroy a Lord of Change and 5 Great Unclean Ones. Until after the battle he fell and his Thunder Hammer hit the back of his head. Jefferson lost all his memory and his armour was stolen by grots (Note that these grots were the ones in E.F.T) .Jefferson then was given a Space marine test and became a scout .Before Jefferson was hit in the head he had the bull **** weaponry and 3 Lascannons! Before that he was an Alien hunter and he got good pay! But seriously he battled 5 warlords! They were named Morak, Cixtrix, Muzza, Buztra and Viddrag! Two of them fled and the three were killed with Jefferson Thunder hammer before it was named “Eatdisudumazdaemin? it was named “Discankiluall?. And before that he was a Witch Hunter! He still had his Thunder hammer but it was named “Kikadiszbeetadenasword? And he beat the **** out of 50,000 heretics and he used his three Lascannons (Also this is when Jefferson actually got his three Lascannons)! And before he was any all these three he was a Custodian but as soon as he got to the battle he tripped and lost his memory again. He was actually in the Horus Heresy! And way before that around in the 20th Millennium Jefferson obtained a small box from a mysterious guy and said he lived more then 20 millennium it was actually the bull **** weaponry and Jefferson wasn’t even a space marine then! And even earlier in the 5th millennium!-Wait Jefferson was not around in this millennium sorry to disturb you...

    -Physic Duel-

    (Jefferson and Curt went to the Physic Duel arena because they sneaked out of defending the imperium from an attack of 1000 greater daemons...)

    Jefferson: So this is where Librarians and Sorcerers fight to the death?
    Curt: Yes! It’s fun!
    Jefferson: It also says on the board that the winner will fight the ultimate Sorcerer!
    Curt: Which is who?
    Jefferson: Ahriman!
    Curt: Bull honkey!
    Jefferson: Curt the board never lies! It even says so!
    Curt: Sure! In a different manner where do we sit?
    Jefferson: …Um it says here seat ZZZ 998!
    Curt: Isn’t that at the end?
    Jefferson: Don’t worry these sorcerers can’t write!
    Curt: But the board! It was written by sorcerers!
    Jefferson: What did I tell you about the board!
    Curt: Whatever!
    Jefferson: Look the game is starting!
    Sorcerer 1: I say Tzeentch sucks!
    Sorcerer 2: No! I say Slaanesh sucks more!
    Distant Voice: I say you both suck!
    Sorcerer 2: Okay this is not cool!
    Sorcerer 1: Okay who did that! Admit it before we let go the warp beats!
    Distant Voice: It was um… Billy!
    Sorcerer 2: The board said ‘No’ interference!
    -Cast doombolt-
    Sorcerer 1: The board also said we could do weird and unusual punishments!
    -Cast Neat-o-Mosquito-
    Billy: No!-
    -Get zapped and dies-
    Jefferson: Get on with the game!
    Sorcerer 2: Very well…
    Sorcerer 1: Okay, Okay!
    Jefferson: That’s much better!
    Curt: Jefferson you’re making us look bad! In front of those hot female Psykers!
    Hot Female Psyker 1: Tee-hee!
    There is no such thing as hot female Psykers they’ve all gone to some place called Babe Island… and the board is always right…

    Jefferson: So what is going to happen are you just going to stand there looking at Billy!
    Both Sorcerers: Very well…

    (From that day one Jefferson and Curt stayed there watching Sorcerers and Librarians fight to the death to claim a super duper prize… Also the Imperium won against fighting those greater daemons…)
    ___________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________
    The Number of Stories

    -Jefferson the Savior-
    -Community Service-
    -Kroot Invasion-
    -The Party-
    -Jefferson gets his Power Armour-
    -Lost and the Damned-
    -Space Hulk-
    -Physic Duel-
    The End of Jefferson…

    Jonathan Swift

    Story Line
    Jonathan Swift
    Nicholas Swift
    Daniel Swift

    Characters Created by
    Jefferson Jonathan
    Bob the Grey Knight Jonathan
    All the Scouts Jonathan
    All Space Marine Jonathan
    Inquisitor Jonathan
    All Kroot Jonathan
    All Hives Jonathan
    All Tyranids Jonathan
    Repeater bolt thrower Jonathan
    Anything that has to do with 40k Jonathan

    What the Hell are you talking about?

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  3. #2
    LO Zealot Ezekiel1990's Avatar
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    104 (x4)

    The only words that don't fail me are:
    How did you get that all in one post? I thought there was a limit...

  4. #3
    Son of LO H0urg1ass's Avatar
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    171 (x6)


    Crack Cocaine and 40k do not mix. 'nuff said.

  5. #4
    Pure Venom. Lordofchange's Avatar
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    88 (x3)

    Oh dear God...that was painful...

    The only difference between tattooed people and non-tattooed people is that tattooed people are awesome and can kick your ass.
    "War does not determine who is right - only who is left."


  6. #5
    Supreme Evil Overlord Dreachon's Avatar
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    You are utterly insane.
    Still it was one hell of a laugh.

  7. #6
    Venerable Old One Phobos's Avatar
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    147 (x5)

    Sorry, but no. Im not going to let other people waste their time by looking at this crock. Try posting it somewhere it'll be appreciated
    "It fits like clothes made out of wasps!"

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