3rd compny fluff: sons of the librarium - Warhammer 40K Fantasy
 

Welcome to Librarium Online!

Join our community of 80,000+ members and take part in the number one resource for Warhammer and Warhammer 40K discussion!

Registering gives you full access to take part in discussions, upload pictures, contact other members and search everything!


Register Now!

User Tag List

+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 16
  1. #1
    Member zac_the_god's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Age
    23
    Posts
    47
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Reputation
    5 (x1)

    3rd compny fluff: sons of the librarium

    post all character and 3rd company fluff here, and anything else that has to do with the third company!

    veteran seargent 3rd company
    weapons: power sword, bolter
    armor: artificer power armor
    relics: iron halo

  2. Remove Advertisements
    Librarium-Online.com
    Advertisements
     

  3. #2
    Member zac_the_god's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Age
    23
    Posts
    47
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Reputation
    5 (x1)

    alright lets make a awesome 3rd company nickname!
    veteran seargent 3rd company
    weapons: power sword, bolter
    armor: artificer power armor
    relics: iron halo

  4. #3
    Member zac_the_god's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Age
    23
    Posts
    47
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Reputation
    5 (x1)

    seargent zane stood before his veteren's, though his head was turned away looking at the the two sun's going down."men we will storm the heretic's base at nightfall! nothing sha'll withstand the emperor's wrath! we kill everyone of them!" his booming voice yelled. zane's men gave loud cheer's and praise's to the emporer. "load you're weapons, recite all the litanie's then report to me once it's time, may the emperor protect!" he shouted once more to his brother's in arm's. the seargent turned and walked down the pebbled road's leading to training camp's, barrack's, and his destination the command center, his cape flowing in the light breeze of the hot and humid air. as he reached the command center two gaurdsmen met him"where is the captian?" he asked in a tone full of authority. "in the com's room" the man replied, worrie on his face. zane strode in, full of respect and pride"the battle starts to night brother captain" zane's voice hard as a rock. the captain who is barely taller then zane replie's"so be it."




    part one.
    (this is my first fluff/short storie thing so if u catch anything, plz tell me, oh and tip's are alway's welcome! thank's!)
    veteran seargent 3rd company
    weapons: power sword, bolter
    armor: artificer power armor
    relics: iron halo

  5. #4
    A 51st Century Man Marrius's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Indiana State University (NOT IU)
    Age
    26
    Posts
    1,806
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    ReputationReputationReputationReputationReputation
    105 (x5)

    Quote Originally Posted by zac_the_god View Post
    seargent zane stood before his veteren's, though his head was turned away looking at the the two sun's going down."men we will storm the heretic's base at nightfall! nothing sha'll withstand the emperor's wrath! we kill everyone of them!" his booming voice yelled. zane's men gave loud cheer's and praise's to the emporer. "load you're weapons, recite all the litanie's then report to me once it's time, may the emperor protect!" he shouted once more to his brother's in arm's. the seargent turned and walked down the pebbled road's leading to training camp's, barrack's, and his destination the command center, his cape flowing in the light breeze of the hot and humid air. as he reached the command center two gaurdsmen met him"where is the captian?" he asked in a tone full of authority. "in the com's room" the man replied, worrie on his face. zane strode in, full of respect and pride"the battle starts to night brother captain" zane's voice hard as a rock. the captain who is barely taller then zane replie's"so be it."




    part one.
    (this is my first fluff/short storie thing so if u catch anything, plz tell me, oh and tip's are alway's welcome! thank's!)
    that is nice. I like it. Keep up the fluff

  6. #5
    Back with a vengeance Tarnag's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Boston, MA
    Posts
    628
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    ReputationReputationReputationReputationReputationReputationReputation
    183 (x3)

    Alright zac, your fluff has a decent start, but you really need capitolization! It is excruciatingly hard to read, as well as the multiple spelling errors that even MS Word or Firefox will catch in a spellcheck. Just minor editing will make it much easier to read and thus a better story overall without changing any content.

    How tall is that damn captain? A guardsman captain is taller than a space marine? What is in the water?

    You know a normal space marine is at least 7' tall, right?

  7. #6
    Member zac_the_god's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Age
    23
    Posts
    47
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Reputation
    5 (x1)

    no it was a space marine captain lol, and i have the second part so ill go throught and spellchek it real quick,
    veteran seargent 3rd company
    weapons: power sword, bolter
    armor: artificer power armor
    relics: iron halo

  8. #7
    Member zac_the_god's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Age
    23
    Posts
    47
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Reputation
    5 (x1)

    Sergent Zane stood at the front of his squad "charge!". Everyone ran down the slope into the mouth of the fortress gates. When the 3 heretics saw the ten marines charging so they screamed and charged also. The first heretic’s skull was burst apart in bits of blood and gore, by the hilt of the sear gents power sword, another was torn apart from a short blast of bolter shells to the chest. The third slowed, stopped, then turn and ran but was blown to oblivion by a heavy bolter. in the chaos lord quarter’s. "My lord, we are under attack!" yelled a heretic with a distorted face and ugly feature's. The chaos marine looked out the window” they think they can take over a base just then ten of them? There’s at least 3,000 of us!" the marine was waving a finger at the sky. The lord looked up to see the last thing he ever will, as hundreds of orbital bombs dropped on the fortress. Explosion after explosion, the bombs tore the base apart. "So they decided to bombard after all!? Stupid bastard's could have killed us!" shouted Zane angrily. The 10 marine's spread out in search for any who might have survived the destruction." die emperor scum!" yelled a heretic who jumped out from behind a piece of rubble. Unlike all the other's he was dressed in full armor, he un sheathed a chains word and went after drak. Drak pulled out his knife, the two weapons clashed with much force, then the heretic pushed drak's blade off the chains word, and did a sweeping move for drak's legs. Drak jumped over the attack as the heretic became disorientated from the miss of the powerful swing, drak pounced on the heretic sliding his knife in between two of his enemy's rib’s and puncturing the lungs. the heretic gasped, and grabbed at the air then fell silent.

    " what a day!" drak said stretching his arm's and walking off to the bunkroom. Zane walked inn "everyone get some sleep for tomorrow, we again do the emperor's bidding. May the emperor protect!"
    End part 2



    (there is this one beter?)
    veteran seargent 3rd company
    weapons: power sword, bolter
    armor: artificer power armor
    relics: iron halo

  9. #8
    Back with a vengeance Tarnag's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Boston, MA
    Posts
    628
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    ReputationReputationReputationReputationReputationReputationReputation
    183 (x3)

    Its better, but you might want to consider splitting it into more paragraphs. Separate ideas should go in different paragraphs, thats what a paragraph is by definition. Dialogue also gets its own break in paragraphs also. You have a lot of dialogue and separate ideas all condensed into one huge chunk of text that makes it unattractive and difficult for the reader.

  10. #9
    Member zac_the_god's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Age
    23
    Posts
    47
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Reputation
    5 (x1)

    ok, thank's for the advice. but isnt anyone else gonna talk about or put up storie's of they're third company character?
    veteran seargent 3rd company
    weapons: power sword, bolter
    armor: artificer power armor
    relics: iron halo

  11. #10
    Official Lol Cannon magila's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    970
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    ReputationReputationReputationReputationReputationReputation
    140 (x3)

    Part I BLood and Mud

    Pvt. Lascannon was a Guardsman. He wasn't very strong or good with a gun as he was only BS 3. But this is a story all about how, his life got flipped, turned upside down And Id like to take a minute just sit right there Ill tell you how he became the imperial governer of a planet called bel-air VI. In western side of Cadia born and raised, On the battlefied is where he spent most of his days, shooting stuff, maxing, relaxing all cool And frag grenading some heretics outside of his school, When a couple of marines who were up to no good, Started spawning demons in his neighbourhood, he got in one little fight and his sergeant got scared And said 'youre attacking the daemons on the planet bel-air.'
    He whistled for a Valkryne and when it came near The license plate said "For The Emperor" and it had a shrine in the mirror If anything he could say this Valkryne is rare But he thought 'Naw forget it' - 'Yo Guardsmen to Bel Air!' He pulled up out of the warp about 7 or 8 And he yelled to the pilots 'Yo boys smell ya later' he shot all the Daemons he was finally there To sit on his throne as the Governor of Bel Air VI.

+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts