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This is NOT my work, but I think its pretty cool.Anyone else with Warhammer themed holiday stuff?The Night Before 986996.M41
(by Pat Marstall)
‘Twas the night before 986996.M41, and all through the station
All there was clear, there was no abomination.
My helmet was set on the desk to my right,
On the chance that I was to need it that night.
The guardsmen were ensconced, asleep in their beds,
All the tanks too were safe, secure in the sheds.
Marines in the barracks, some manning the wall,
Assured me that the bastion never would fall.
When out in the yard there arose such discord
I grabbed up my bolter and unsheathed my sword.
Away to the window, I ran to take aim
As the marines around me all did the same.
My bionic eye turned the night into day
Allowed me to see, and to seek out my prey.
When what did my loyal ocular show,
But an ancient conveyance, knee-deep in the snow.
The vehicle was pulled by horned quadrupeds
And a fiery red nimbus glowed from the sled.
The driver was mighty, his eyes full of scorn,
Dressed all in crimson like a servant of Khorne.
I gestured for other to shoot without pause,
For I was now certain this was Santa Claus.
“Fire Marines! Fire Guardsmen! Fire Ogryn and Ratlings!
Fire bolters! Fire lasguns! Fire mortars and gatlings!”
“You in the courtyard and you men on the walls!
Now blast away! Blast away! Blast away all!”
But all through this maelstrom the evil one flew,
Past plasma and bolt shells and frag that we threw!
And then, to my horror, I heard on the roof
The vile cavorting of each decadent hoof.
Screaming my orders, I spun quickly around,
As down the chimney shaft it came with a bound.
I saw its eyes glow, its vast stomach gurgle,
Bloated and fat, like a deamon of Nurgle.
Blinded by anger, I attacked with a scream -
Charged into battle with my brave Space Marines.
As we thundered towards him, closing the rift,
He reached in his satchel and pulled out a gift.
Then it tossed the vile boxes – I fell in a stoop,
As they arced through the air at me and my troops.
The wrapped missiles fell short, and plopped at our feet,
Our morale was strong, we did not retreat.
But the marines paused – our charge was disrupted,
They picked up the gifts and were quickly corrupted.
For each box contained a chaotic present -
The marines (damn their souls), found them quite pleasant.
A bolter, a flamer, a new power fist,
The Claus gave to all, and he checked off a list.
It moved through the station and left in its wake,
The sound of bright laughter and the stench of fruit cake.
The others succumbed, but it failed in its goal,
For to me it gave only a small pile of coal.
The station was lost, I could only instruct
The bastion computer to set self-destruct.
I failed to kill him, for I saw as I fled,
The target escaping, quite safe in his sled.
I heard it cry out as the base burst into light,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”
I'd love to shake the hand and give an award to the man who made that poem it is wonderful.
Dude, the lyrics here click.
This poem is sic!
You want more rhyme?
If only I could spit it out on a dime...
But I'll give it a go
even though my words don't always flow.
Papa Nurgle won't make a good St. Nick.
Everyone can smell him coming down da chimney cause he stinks.
As Santa I also don't like Khorne
He's too busy killing and watching porn.
Tzeentch is a total grinch in my head
He'd manipulate you to give him presents instead.
But the one I like best
is good 'ole Slaanesh.
Who wouldn't want to spend Christmas drinking and debauching
as long as the adults (or kids) aren't watching.
Anyways I ain't much of a poet
Just sos ya'lls know it.
Last edited by jy2; December 15th, 2009 at 17:36.
Record: Win - Loss - Draw: Hive Fleet Pandora (New) 32-6-6 Space Wolf 7th Co. 52-11-6
Blood Angels 12-4-2 Daemonhunters 20-8-3
Imperial Guards 12-5-2 Daemons 8-3-2
Yeah it's a classic. Reminds me of the Phanta Klaws encounter they released for Necromunda. About a big, crazed man with steel claws stalking the underhive during a certain holiday and his "ho ho ho" could be heard in the deep, dark tunnels...
Hilarious! Obviously Father Christmas doesn't sit very well in the GrimDark world of 40K!
Anyone have any idea who crafted this? Would be interesting to know, me thinks.
I remember reading last year as well so it could be tricky to find out who did it.
I seem to remember WD publishing another poem by Pat Marstall, this was a riff on Poe's The Raven about an Eversor assassin (I think) stalking his target. Pretty good stuff.
Grimdark Songwriting - 1d4chan
Here's a load of amusing 40k-themed parodies, including the Poe parody. Enjoy!
The Emperor set a fire in their hearts that they might burn the iniquitous and the impure from his sight. And the light of that flame shall be as a beacon to the faithful, a light that shines in the darkest places.