If Warhammer made Toasters

[swarbieofthehivemind]

Ork Toaster: Warning- This toaster is extremely violent. Will attempt to hit you with short range volleys of toast but always misses. If you get within its reach, it will overwhelm you with mobs of heavily armed toast. Toaster usually produces all natural toast, however, if purchased with the "Mekaniak" upgrade, it will produce large slices of toast constructed out alfoil and cutlery that blow up whenever they are hit, no matter how small the object you hit them with is. You may purchase the "Burna" upgrade to improve the toaster's short range effectiveness. DO NOT purchase the "Lootas" upgrade for this toaster. If you do it will pummel you with volleys of super-heated toast and butter, then steal everythimg that isn't nailed down. During its time in the kitchen. the toaster will release small spores that lodge in the most unlikely places. When you get tired of constantly being attacked by your breakfast and remove the toaster, these spores will develop into exact replicas of the original toaster and begin taking over your kitchen once more. To avoid this, use a flamethrower to scour all areas in the kitchen IMMEDIATELY after removing the original toaster. Toast is green.

[The Green Meep]

Gauss Toaster: the special mechanics that have yet to be figured by the Imperium have been conveniently stuffed into this toaster. It deatomizes the toast, such that it is inedible, but smells damn good.

Khorne: the crust is hacked off your toast, and it, with its butter, is offered to the blood god. Recommended for picky eaters.

Nurgle: buboes characteristic of the Black Plague are normal symptoms after eating this toast. Eat it, Grandfather Nurgle commands you.

Space Marines: after each piece of toast is cooked, "FOR THE IMPERIUM" is audible.

Lizardmen: great toast is not cooked, but spawned, young grasshopper. It is part of the Old One's plan. Your diet requires that you have toast blessed with wheat. The toast is also rather soggy...

[Captain Jesus]

Tomb Kings: You will find your other appliances will be destroyed for even looking at this
toaster. Also you will find that all toast produced during it's "lifetime" will
crumble when this toaster breaks.

Imperial Guard: So many of these are in existance, yet so few people actually buy this
toaster. BTW, It doesn't cook your toast, it merely warms it up a little
then breaks.

Orks: This toaster doesn't even make toast, it makes lot of mushrooms instead. It also
has a habbit of fighting back and adopting Gangsta Wanabe dialect.

[Hurtinator]

Slaanesh Toaster:

makes toast a generally sexy adventure in the kitchen, warning, not for the prudish or faint of heart.

[swarbieofthehivemind]

Prudish?
Woohoo, Slaaneshi toasters!!!!

[Renale]

Space marine: Will not accept inferior pieces of bread. Instead lay out several pieces and the toaster will decide. After deciding it will test the toast for purity and taste. It will then enhance toast, making it thicker and tougher. must pass an armor save to actually bite toast. makes one piece of toast for every 100 pieces put in.

[The bearded one]

Tyranitoaster: Will consume toast in order to make more of itself. Dangerous if left unchecked.

Dwarfitoaster: Any toast coming out of this toaster is covered in beardhairs, and tough to eat. Almost like eating a rock.. Do not leave in proximity of elfish, skaven or greenskin toasters as their toast has a habit of being chopped apart out of pure dwarven spite.

Skavitoaster: Tends to run away. Or blow up. A good thing there's lots of them.

[Dethklaat]

Wood Elf Toaster: May contain nuts and/or fairies.

The One Toaster: Limited Edition. Known side effects include: paranoia, hallucinations of phallos symbols and hairy feet.

[Lord Penny Pincher]

Emperor Toaster: Produces a permanently blinding golden light when plugged in. All other toasters stop working due to this toaster's sheer awesomeness. Unfortunately, this toaster will cause long term electrical blackouts in the city you live in.

[Hammerfist]

Wood Elves: Fires toast at other appliances when they're not looking. Bread is very fibrous, and magically delicious.

Kroot: Bread is infused with real genetic material to keep you happy and healthy. May toast bread for other people when your not looking.

Chaos Dwarfs: Purchasing this toaster is not advised, as it may enslave your appliances and industrialize your kitchen.

Ogres: The toast tastes like Gnoblars. 'Nuff said.

That's all I got.