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    Hex is offline
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    40K jokes LOL

    An awesome find... enjoy

    40K JOKES

    Failed Space Marine legion-names:

    Bright Angels
    Emperor's Grandchildren
    Rabid Wolves
    Blood Donators
    Iron Feet
    Plant Eaters
    Mental Legion
    Life Guard
    999 Sons
    Microsoft Word Bearers
    Beta Legion
    Black Muslims
    Heavy Metal Warriors
    Black Panthers
    Storm Midgets
    Nice Weather Lords

    Uses for a Lasgun

    Warming soup.
    When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ.
    Disco effects/pyrotechnics.
    Cigarette lighter.
    Changing T.V. channels.
    Selling to get funds for a better weapon.
    Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage)
    Using for grave marking for IG troops.
    Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage)
    Skeet shooting.
    A cooking utensil.
    Looking slightly menacing.
    Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight.
    Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly
    Burning ants

    Things you will NEVER see in the 40k universe:

    Space Marine Girl Scouts
    Sisters of battle Fire Engine
    Sane World Eaters
    A Space Marine carrying a dead gretchin as a battle-trophy
    A gretchin carrying a battle-trophy
    A Vegetarian Blood Angel
    An Eldar way-stone at the Lost & Found
    A crying Space Marine
    A Night Lord sunbathing
    A plague marine polishing his armour
    A Tau giving a high-five
    A retreating Death Company Space Marine (if you DO see this, you're probably doomed)
    A Khorne Berzerker leaving a skull behind
    The Golden Throne caretakers on strike
    An assassin, before it's too late...
    A remote controlled Necron
    A meeting at the BDA (Blood Drinkers Anonymous, Blood Angels only)
    Games Workshop charging what models are ACTUALLY worth

    What the Emperor's thinking:

    "39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the Wall, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears, take one down, pass them around, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the wall. 39,001 bottles. . ."

    "You know, I've had this itch for 3,435 years, right at the base of my neck. . ."

    "Why can't they hook up a Playstation 40,000 in here?"

    "Damn, my foot's asleep again."

    "You know, when I said sacrifice 1000 souls to me daily, they must have misunderstood. I actually meant sacrifice 1000 COALS. It's so cold in this huge throne room..."

    Battlecry of the Word Bearers:
    "How much word could a word bearer bear if a word bearer could bear words?"

    Death Guard Motto:
    "A sickness a day keeps the Imperials away, and death at bay, or so they say."

    Now showing in movie theatres in the Eye of Terror, the award-winning documentary/horror/action-movie: "Children of the Khorne"

    Iron Warriors at the beach:
    - My sandcastle is bigger than yours!
    - No it isn't!
    - Yes it is, and it has lascannons here and here, and these are missile launchers!
    - Well mine's got that as well, and a moat full of skulls and barbed wire!
    - Your lascannons aren't placed at the right spots! What if the enemy attacked here? Or here? Or put heavy fire on this wall? You'd have to concentrate the fire on that area over by the seashell, while your terminators got into position over by that piece of seaweed. And barbed wire placed over there isn't gonna slow the enemy down! You’ve gotta put another turret on this spot here, next to the dead starfish, and have warriors standing ready over here in case of a breakthrough. And what if that crab over there assaulted this wall? I'd suggest a squad of...

    Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:
    "We're outta ammo?"
    "Khorne Berserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"
    "You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"
    "Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"
    "Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."
    "Hey, a grenade without a pin!"
    "You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"
    "You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"
    "Fix bayonets!"
    "Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"
    "We missed our shooting phase?"
    "Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside."
    "Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"
    "Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"
    "Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"
    "Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates..."
    "Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"
    "I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"
    "See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a club, and it still...uh oh."
    "Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"

    Space Marine Commandments:

    1. Thou shalt not make fun of other chapter’s names.
    2. Orks are not "cute."
    3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
    4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
    5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
    6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
    7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
    8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
    9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
    10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (In a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
    11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
    12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
    13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag."
    14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
    15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
    16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings.
    17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
    18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
    19. .Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
    20. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
    21. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".
    An Imperial Guardsmen's Ten Commandments

    1. Thou shall not take sick leave while having Sisters Of Battle In the next Camp.
    2. Thou shall not cut his or her hair with bayonet.
    3. Thou shall not put graffiti on Space Marine's equipment.
    4. Thou shall not replace a Space Marines bolter with a las-gun.
    5. Thou shall not use a grenades pin as an earring.
    6. Thou shall not experiment with frag grenades.
    7.Thou shall not play with flamers.

    Uses for an Imperial Guardsman's Bayonet

    A dandy can opener
    cutting your vegetables
    mugging the guys in the camp next to you
    prop swords
    pantsing your commander
    looking like a thug
    fighting grots (still may not work)
    a reflective surface for signaling
    shaving (use whipped cream from rations with it)
    quick and easy haircuts
    a belt buckle
    committing suicide (might work if you try hard enough)

    1) Thou shalt not look up when it rains.

    2) Thou shall not drown in one's saliva.

    3) Thou shalt not hit the Zoanthrope's Head while it sleeps.

    4) Thou shalt not play tag with spores.

    5) Thou shalt not make references to Godzilla.

    6) Thou shall not eat rippers, they are not morsels.

    7) Thou shall not cling to Hive Tyrant for protection and claim thee is a bio-morph.

    Thou shalt not spring up in front of bullet to block it during shoo the big one's for thou shall surely die and will not stopith thee bullet.

    9) Thou shall respect thy Hive mind.

    10) Thou shall not play pigeon shooting by loading thy friend ripper in to a gun and firing thy friend ripper at a spore launched by a biovore.

    11) Thou shall not hiss and screech "KABOOM!" to see if thy spore mines flinch when scared, for thee shall surely go boom.



    1) Thou shall not download any viruses to prove how though thou is.

    2) Thou shall not ride scarabs into battle like skateboards.

    3) Thou shall not allow any object to press thy reboot button.

    4) Thou shall not keep scarabs as pets.

    5) Thou shall not ask thy nightbringer to read thee a bed time story.

    6) Thy Crystal a top thee monolith is not a mirror for if thee looks into it thee shall surely FRY.

    7) C3-PO is not thy brother.

    Thou shall not request for thy entertainment a magic show by thy fellow wraith.



    1) Thy pulse rifle shall not be any bigger then thee.

    2) Thy guadian drone is not a hover chair.

    3) When telling thy story of killing thee foe for thy wanted peace, thou shall turn off thy family drone before thy shout..., "FIRE! said our commander."

    4) Thou shall not build remote controls and wire thy remotes frequency to control thy commander’s drone.


    Space Marines

    1) Thou shall not make references to smurfs when thy fellow Ultramarine is by.

    2) Thy Librarian hath better things to do then read thee a bedtime story.

    3) When thy encounter Sisters thou shall not surrender to be thy sister's P.O.W. for thou disgraceth thee self and thy squadron if thee does.

    4) Thou shall not invite thy Space Wolves squadron to thy banquet of victory for thou shall if thee does see true savageness.

    5) Thou shall not lead thy brother Blood Angel to thy donation center for blood!

    40 ways to tell if you play too much 40K:

    1.You frequently shout WAAAAGH!!! out the window of your car (going slightly over the speed limit)...

    2.You have a car that is full of holes, and fifty rhinos that aren't.

    3.You call people who play WFB deviants.

    4.If you call people heretics on a daily basis...

    5.If your car is painted to match your chapter markings, and has a las-cannon mounted on top.

    5.If you commonly refer to Skaters as Eldar, and you think the Terminator is a 40k-based movie...

    6.If you have a c'tan opener in your kitchen.

    7.upon seeing a vicious dog you fail your morale test and run away screaming

    8.you paint your car red because you think it'll make it go faster

    9.your best friend is an Arco-flagellant

    10.You've named your dogs Ferki and Gerki

    11.You call spraying your home for roaches exterminatus.

    12.You call breaking out the winter clothing bringing out the terminator armor.

    13.Your friends ask to see your "little black book" and you bring out the 40k rulebook.

    14.You don't know that the Smurfs really aren't the Ultramarines and Papa Smurf is not Marneus Calgar/Robute Guilliman.

    15.Your dog Russ ran away and you don't want him to come back because you fear it will end the world.

    16.Someone says, "I'm allergic to spores" and you think, "Who isn't, those things explode!"

    17.You can write a complete army list in abbreviations.

    18.you make threats to people involving drop pods and certain red-armored marines...

    19.to begin to refer to decisions you make in your every day life as "leadership checks, morale tests, and armor saves"

    20.when someone refers to an angry nun you hit the deck because you think bolter shells will begin flying

    21.you begin to reach for your bolt pistol only to realize that you don’t own a bolt pistol (yet)

    22.you get disgusted when you begin talking about the solders in your army and no one understands who you are talking about.

    23.when some one yells "cockroach" you ask for a las-cannon. When one is not forth coming, you begin declaring "exterminatus" on the general vicinity of the "bug alert" because you realize that it is too late for these poor souls. They were probably infested already anyway.

    24.you make cryptic threats about the might of your legions and that you will sick them on any one who pisses you off.

    25.when some one asks what kind of car you have and you tell them that you own a baneblade

    26.You're playing baseball, and roll dice to see whether you should miss the ball deliberately

    27.You walk three meters, then stop, then walk three meters, then stop, etc.

    28.You get repeatedly beaten up after calling Bikey Gangs "Speed Freaks"

    29.You get arrested because you started praying to Slaanesh on the bus in your own special way

    30.you have more armies than friends

    31.you carry dice in your pocket 'just in case...'

    32.you can only afford to eat beans, but 'look at this cool new model I just bought'

    33.you wonder why Alien wasn't sued for copyright infringement

    34.your computer spellchecker automatically corrects 'Orc' to 'Ork'

    35.When buying a computer you check for the Machine Cult seal of the Omnissiah, and upon discovering it is not there, rant and rave until they draw on a gear with a skull in the middle.

    36.You get your football team to shout waaaaaagh after every huddle.

    37.Your self-portrait is in power armor.

    38.You accidentally have your army list when grocery shopping.

    39.Your credit card is maxed out at $40,000.

    40. You actually do fit ten fully equipped marines into your rhinos.

    Lots and Lots of ways to annoy your opponent:
    1. Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best course of action.
    2. Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Every time a model dies, escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum the funeral theme tune.
    3. Bring a falsified rulebook (hours of fun).
    4. Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.
    5. Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.
    6. Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak aloud as you read- "he's gone there, so contingency plan 8a means that I should..."
    7. Insist opponent rolls all your dice for you. Complain and insult your opponent if you get any bad rolls.
    8. Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your opponent dramatically.
    9. Arrive before your opponent. Set up your army and then take the other side of the table. Act as if you are expecting to play with your opponent's army.
    10. Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball bearings.
    11. Bring a plastic kid's sword and 'challenge' your opponent. If he refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.
    12. Play dead if your general dies.
    13. Bring a Land-raider model from 40K. Leave it sitting conspicuously on your side of the table. Make cryptic references to the power of laser cannon in WHFB.
    14. Complain that you don't think you can trust your hero.
    15. Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game. Incessantly.
    16. Ask politely if your opponent wouldn't kill your general. Explain that it’s his birthday.
    17. Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the "fog of war".
    18. Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a craft knife.
    19. Arrange models in a diorama in the middle of the battle. Take photos for a "battle report."
    20. Sharpen your goblins' spears before the game with a craft knife. Grin widely.
    21. Cackle diabolically. "The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!"
    22. State before the game that you are playing for the title of the champion of the universe.
    23. Feel the personal loss of every soldier. "Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well."
    24. Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.
    25. Add sound FX. Kaboom!
    26. Ask if you can have TV rights to the game.
    27. Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your opponent!
    28. Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our forests. Refuse to let him kill your treemen. Refuse to let him move through woods.
    29. Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy Van.
    30. Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.
    31. Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. "Quick march, on the double- hut!"
    32. Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small spherical device. Give no other reasons.
    33. Wear a crown. Say that you are the "Lord of the Galaxy". Get a horde of admirers to cheer you on.
    34. Bring a stuffed, shaved poodle. Say it is your mascot.
    35. Grow a Hitler moustache and wear a swastika. 'Discipline' your troops if they fail to salute you.
    36. Cheer on your miniatures.
    37. Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of his troops.
    38. Leave a false army list lying around. Snatch it back angrily if your opponent starts to read it, but leave it visible.
    39. Pull out an ace surreptitiously (but obviously) from your sleeve during the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.
    40. Keep a deck of Magic the Gathering cards handy. When you are told it is "the magic phase" bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to cut your deck.
    41. Speak in Skaven. Neek- Neek!
    42. Tell him you've brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness of modern technology when you start to roll ones.
    43. Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at your opponent accusingly if they don't immediately come true. Ask him if he's used it.
    44. Ask what year it is. Ask where you are. Ask what game you are going to play. If he says Warhammer, bring out an antique mallet and hit him with it. Smile a corny grin.
    45. Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.
    46. Don't place your wizard on the board at the start of the game. At the end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke screen and place down the wizard behind it while you yell, "poof!” When the smoke dissipates, say, "Tadaa!"
    47. Have a history written for every trooper. Start a family feud.
    48. Poor cheese sauce all over your opponent's army. Complain that it is cheesy.
    49. Come with an army painted completely flora purple. Wear dark glasses.
    50. Attempt to bribe your opponent's characters. Turn away quickly if your opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything.

    50 MORE Ways to Annoy Your Opponent

    1. Refer to your miniatures only by their first name.
    2. Refer to his miniatures only by their first name.
    3. Try to bribe his units over to your side.
    4. Three words: Pastel Color Scheme.
    5. Rent advertising space on your unit banners.
    6. Offer your opponent the chance to surrender before the battle starts.
    7. Dress in character.
    8. Perform a play-by-play commentary in a Howard Cossell voice.
    9. Speak only in third person.
    10. Use huge brass dice. Roll them dangerously close to your opponent's figures.
    11. Use only the little red dice from Warhammer Quest.
    12. Only roll one die at a time.
    13. Play Britney Spears. Insist that is it "battle music." Put it on repeat.
    14. Name all your characters after obscure Hungarian royalty. Become annoyed if your opponent fails to notice.
    15. Claim your army is comprised of all women. When pressed, explain they are all in disguise as to not get kicked out of the army.
    16. Place a hammer on the table before the battle starts. Explain it is there to insure loyalty.
    17. Quote Sun Tzu often, but only irrelevantly.
    18. Every time one of his miniatures has unrestricted LOS to a target, say 'check'.
    19. Suggest obviously suicidal tactics to your opponents. Explain that 'that's what Custer would do'.
    20. Perform a rousing speech to your troops before the battle. Pose like Mussolini at the end.
    21. Secretly replace your opponent's miniatures one at a time with miniatures from other games.
    22. Claim your miniatures are proxies for another regiment, though that has no bearing on game play whatsoever.
    23. Place all of your infantry on individual monster bases.
    24. Flock your bases with sand. Do not use glue.
    25. Take a halftime break to play with your Blood Bowl cheerleaders.
    26. In rules disputes, reference on Hoyle's book of games.
    27. Place NASCAR-like ads all over your vehicles.
    28. Demand to change table sides at the halfway mark.
    29. Use Play-doh miniatures. When one is killed, pound it into the table with your fist angrily.
    30. When your figure reaches the opponent's table side, demand it be kinged.
    31. Measure distances only with a yardstick.
    32. On a bad roll, swear a blue streak. Use only obscenities approved by Judge Dredd.
    33. Sob uncontrollably while removing casualties.
    34. When you win, dump a tub of Gatorade on your commander.
    35. Include the word 'whoopass' on your army list as often as possible.
    36. Don't move your army. Don't fire. Flee when charged.
    37. Proxy a unit of O-scale cows for your commander's bodyguard. Don't forget to give them weapons.
    38. Converts all wheeled models into low riders. Including cannons and chariots.
    39. Try to play multiple games at once like Gary Kasparov.
    40. Discuss tactics with your troops. Become argumentative.
    41. Four more words: Regis Philbin paint scheme.
    42. In a rules dispute, check 1st, 2nd and 3rd Edition 40k Rulebooks, "just to make sure the rules don't change in each book."
    43. Use a paintball gun to remove casualties. For both sides.
    44. Write army list in pig Latin and binary.
    45. Fuzzy dice.
    46. Start each game with the national anthem.
    47. Have an inner monologue during the game. Digress frequently.
    48. During your opponent's turn, yodel.
    49. Each turn replace your commander with a new figure.
    50. After a good die roll, do a victory dance and spike the die.
    51. Write battle report during game. Take at least five minutes to write information between die rolls.

    To; Lord-Inquisitor Von Grimm, Ordo Hereticus
    From; Inquisitor Bigotin, Ordo Hereticus
    Subject; Inquisitorial Purge BD-4992 "The Hogwarts Purge"
    Transmitted; Inquisitorial Fortress, Bethor VIII
    Transmitter; Astropath Ginla
    Receiver; Astropath Wulesh

    Thought For The Day; Never give into temptation and ask about the black and white Space Marine on the black and white bike.

    Salutations Lord!
    I am pleased to report that the heretical witch-coven, the blasphemous sect known as "Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft" has been eliminated, and every member of this vile cult has been cleansed with fire and sword.
    Accompanied by five squads of veteran Inquisitorial Stormtroopers, two hundred local militia, a dozen arco-flagellants, two Penitent Engines, and three squads drawn from the Order of the Holy Nimbus, we began our assault upon the fortress of the enemy at dawn's first light. Although the castle was hidden from normal sight by a myriad of hexes and foul enchantments, these wards were easily bypassed thanks to the psyk-out strike launched by the Persecution, and we were able to begin the assault.
    We stormed the grounds, suffering only minor casualties from various self-defense spell-traps that the enemy had placed within the grounds. These traps were disposed of quickly by my cadre of sanctioned psykers, and we able to press on.
    We were soon accosted by a heavily-haired mutant of exceptional height and bulk (see pict attachments 00-03) upon approaching the castle's main portcullis. He was accompanied by a variety of abominable creatures (pict attachments 04-16), gruesome beasts which looked like twisted parodies of ancient creatures of legend- such beasts included a disturbing horse/eagle hybrid and assorted scorpion/crab-like creatures, each one the size of a small land car, amongst others. The large mutant challenged us in an accent I did not recognize, but no doubt it was speaking in some daemonic tongue. I ordered the attack. The creatures of the mutant beast master took a heavy toll on the local militia and my Stormtroopers, but our numbers and weaponry were superior, and the Sisters of the Holy Nimbus swiftly brought down the creatures with bolter, melta and flamer fire. The giant mutant beast master possessed incredible strength and endurance, and managed to inflict crippling damage on one of the Penitent Engines and kill and seriously wound twenty-three militia, Sisters and Stormtroopers before it was brought down by the holy rage of the arco-flagellants (three of which perished due to lethal combat stimm overdose- in death, they have been granted His Forgiveness).
    We consolidated our position and set up a strong foothold whilst our chirurgeons and Sisters Hospitaller provided healing for the wounded and mercy for the dying.
    To the south, I glimpsed an oval structure that appeared to resemble a standard Imperial amphitheatre or coliseum (pict attachments 17-20). Six tall poles, topped with huge hoops, were situated on this "pitch", three at each end. I theorized that the cult held some form of diabolical rituals or ceremonies there, and that the hoops were utilized in these.
    No sooner had our wounded been comforted and aided by our medical staff, the witches of the Hogwarts School appeared. I was at first shocked at the average age of our foe; the youngest seemed to be ten years of standard, the oldest no more than seventeen. They were led by five older psykers (see accompanying pict-files 21-25), and they outnumbered us nearly two to one. At first, I foolishly thought that fighting children would be no challenge, but I chastised myself, remembering that each of these younglings was an illegal psyker, taught by their council of the older rogue psykers.
    The eldest of the rogue psykers (pict 21), whom I presumed to be the leader, stepped forward, and I saw the malevolence and hatred in his eyes that spoke of a man driven insane by the daemonic power that he wielded. He personally addressed me, giving his name as Albus Dumbledore, but I did not wish to bandy words with a heretic and a witch, so before he could speak any further and bewitch me, I disposed of him with my stake crossbow and gave the order for my force to attack.
    Pandemonium erupted immediately. The younger psykers were herded back into the castle by two of the "teachers"; a wrinkled midget (pict/subject 24) and a portly woman bedecked with scraps of local flora (pict/subject 25). The older children retaliated, led by the other two psykers, a crone-faced woman (pict/subject 22) and a cadaverous man with long black greasy hair (pict/subject 23).
    The psykers launched a variety of psychic attacks that killed and/or otherwise incapacitated my warriors. I saw some terrible things. Two Stormtroopers stumbled and fell to the ground, as if their limbs had ceased to function. Sister-Palatine Lucresia was transmuted in a second from a proud warrior of the Adepta Sororitas to a pewter goblet. Local militia either burst into laughter so violent that their blood vessels burst, or were inflated like carnival balloons. Arco-flagellants slipped and collapsed as the ground beneath them was turned to ice. I remained unscathed, thanks to the protection offered by my hexagrammic wards and my accompanying sanctioned and penitent psykers.
    I rallied my troops and pressed the attack. Many of the child psykers were slain by the accurate firepower of my Stormtroopers and the Sisters, and they fled in craven dissarray, only to be picked off at the leisure of my warriors and I. Subject 23 was bisected by Sister Superior Paminda's eviscerator, whilst Subject 22 met the Emperor's Judgment at the claws of the Penitent Engine.
    We advanced into the castle, gunning down resistance where we found it. Subjects 24 and 25 were killed as they defended the younger heretics, many of who surrendered after the deaths of their "teachers". I tasked Stormtrooper Lieutenant Virone with prisoner detail, and he and his squad set about dealing with the captured children, taking them to the evac zone and transferring them to the null-cells aboard the Persecution, where they would await interrogation and execution.
    We finally came across the last point of resistance in the great hall of the castle; a room so seeped in obscene witchery that I permitted only the Sisters and my personal staff to accompany me inside- I could not risk the corruption of the Stormtroopers.
    At the end of the hall stood four figures (picts 26-29), all of them young psykers. Three of the psykers were male, and one was female. They began a last-ditch defense, but their efforts were in vain. The blonde, arrogant-looking male (pict/subject 27) was reduced to ashes by my gun-servitor's plasma cannon, and the freckled, red-haired male (pict/subject 2 took a trio of bolter shots to the chest. The female, a young girl with long, curly brown hair (pict/subject 26) surrendered to us, and I immediately placed an inhibitor upon her (I have since transferred Subject 26 to my own staff, where she now serves as a penitent psyker).
    The final male, a boy with thick black hair, spectacles, and a curious scar on his forehead (pict/subject 29) was monstrously powerful for one so young, and claimed the lives of four Sisters, my two gun-servitors, and Interrogator Delaun before he was stopped. As Interrogator Tesze held him in the jaws of her mancatcher, I prepared my power stake for the killing strike. Subject 29 looked at me frantically and cried out; "You idiot muggle! If you kill me, Voldemort will return!"
    I presumed that "muggle" was some sort of profane cult slang. I had no idea who "Voldemort" was/is, but I assume that the witch's babble was a desperate and useless plea to prevent me from dispensing justice. I paid his rambling no heed, and impaled his heart with my sacred power stake.
    Our mission a success, we ransacked the castle for any heretical items that would need to be immediately destroyed to prevent them from corrupting the servants of the Emperor any longer. We found all manner of wands, ingredients, spell books and scrolls, and curious orb-shaped relics (picts 30-32; note the curious wings that adorn the tiny golden ball in pict 32). All was put to the cleansing flame.
    Upon our return to the Persecution, I gave the order for Captain Yevonce to begin the orbital bombardment of the castle, completely obliterating the vile structure. As we made warp transition to Bethor VIII, my staff and I began the interrogation of the young witches.
    My apologies for the lack of transcripts at this current moment, but I regret to announce that both my scribe-skull and auto-savant are both out of ink and parchment, and Interrogator Tesze has been forced to transcribe the interrogations from the various vox-thief recordings. The transcripts will be with you shortly, my Lord.
    The stain of the Hogwarts coven has been wiped from the Emperor's glorious realm.

    Your Servant,
    Inquisitor Predujis Bigotin
    More Bashing of Thy 40K Universe:

    1-Thou shalt not use thy lasgun to cook thy pop tart.

    2- Thou shalt not use grots as self-replacing bowling pins, it may offend thy orks.

    3- Thou shalt not ask thy dark angels why they wear thy women’s nighties to battle.

    4- Thou shalt not ask thy space wolves why thy have women’s hair.

    5- Thou shalt not use thy defiler to carve turkeys.

    6- Thy imperial radars are not to be used as barbecues.

    7- Thy chaos marines have not replaced their heads with thy ones of goats.

    8- Thy shant ask why Whirlwinds do not look like rhinos because the architect could not be bothered to make a new design.

    9- Thine garments of thy farseers are not actually dressing gowns.

    10- Thy Imperium can spell, it is not in thy spoken English language.


    "My Lord, I bring news."
    Typhus Marburg paused in his study of the situation map of the dreary little planet his forces were engaged in ravaging. "Yes?"
    "Lord. Starships have appeared in the outer system and are on course for a landing. They have been identified as elements of the Flesh Tearers."
    "Yeah? Tell them to sod off and find their own world. Tell 'em we got here first."
    "Sire, you misunderstand. They are here to defend this world!"
    "What! Why? It's a sorry state of affairs when the followers of Chaos start to defend the weakling Imperium from each other!"
    "Um, Lord... the Flesh Tearers are a loyalist chapter."
    "They are? With a name like that! Are you sure they're not one of ours?"
    "Positive, My Lord."
    "Have you been able to call for any assistance?"
    "The Astropaths have contacted other forces nearby. Unfortunately this has also alerted other loyalist forces in the sector and they are also headed our way."
    "Bugger. So who gets here first then?"
    "The Alpha Legion, sire."
    "It never rains, it only pours, hey?"
    "The Alpha Legion is one of ours."
    "It is?!"
    "I'm confused. You're telling me that a mob called the 'Flesh Tearers' isn't one of ours but a mob called the - what was it again..."
    "The Alpha Legion, sire."
    "Right... a mob called the Alpha Legion is one of ours."
    "That is correct, sire."
    "So who else is showing up to this barney then?"
    "The Blood Drinkers."
    "One of ours?"
    "One of theirs."
    "The Iron Warriors."
    "One of theirs?"
    "No. One of ours."
    "Go figure."
    "The Dark Angels."
    "Now I've heard of them. Followers of Slaanesh aren't they?"
    "No, I think you're thinking of The Fallen, sire. The Dark Angels are Loyalists too."
    "Bugger. So who else then?"
    "The Emperor's Children."
    "Oh, that one's too easy. They're obviously loyalists with a name like that."
    "Um, not exactly my Lord."
    "Yes, Lord. They're one of ours too."

    "This is silly. All the really evil sounding names are being used by weakling loyalists while it seems as though the forces of chaos have got the naff monikers. Are there any more of these I should know about?"
    "A few, Lord."
    "OK then, spell it out for me, starting with Loyalists that sound like traitors and then moving onto traitors that sound like Loyalists."
    "I will attempt to do so, Lord. OK - the Loyalists that sound like traitors... the Marauders, Rampagers, Destroyers and Storm Lords (all White Scar second foundings in point of fact)."
    "I like the sound of the Storm Lords. You sure they aren't one of ours?"
    "Quite sure. Then there's the Blood Drinkers and the Flesh Tearers - both of which are Loyalist second founding of the Blood Angels."
    "With names like that I'd always assumed they were more bone headed followers of the blood god."
    "Not so far, My Lord. Then there's the Red Talons..."
    "I thought they were renegade pirates."
    "No Lord, that's the Red Corsairs."
    "Oh. OK. Continue."
    "The Brazen Claws are loyalists too."
    "Good name for a Khornate force though isn't it?"
    "Yes Lord. Then there's the Black Guard (not to be confused with the Black Legion which IS one of ours), the Revilers, and the Raptors."
    "Hold on a minute! The Raptors? They're definitely ours. Hell we've got a small unit of them attached to our forces haven't we?"
    "My Lord, those are the troops known as Raptors but there is also a loyalist legion with the same name."
    "Must get a bit confusing for the loyalists then?"
    "I imagine so, My Lord. There are also the Doom Eagles, the Silver Skulls, and the Iron Hands (not to be mistaken for the Iron Warriors, who are ours)."
    "Bloody hell. Is that it?"
    "There are also some lesser known chapters that also seem to cause occasional confusion."
    "Such as..."
    "The Doomfarers are one that our forces have occasionally encountered."
    "Oh yeah. Those yoyos. So what about the Chaos forces that sound like loyalists then..."

    "Well as mentioned earlier there are The Emperor's Children, The Iron
    Warriors, the Thousand Sons, the Lunar Wolves (who changed their name to the Sons of Horus and then to the Black Legion)..."
    "Well at least they're easily IDed as one of ours now. The Black Legion eh? Now that's a proper name. Just positively oozes evil from every pore."
    "Yes, Lord. To continue, there are also the Word Bearers, and the Alpha Legion."
    "The Word Bearers? What kind of silly name is that for a Chaos Legion?"
    "They used to be missionaries sire"
    "We you'd think that once they switched to our side they'd change their name to something a little more in keeping with being evil mad men. I mean come on 'The Word Bearers'? It's a silly name."
    "Yes my Lord"
    "You know, I think the forces of Chaos should have proper Chaos names. There's no room for mistakes when you're called something like 'The World Eaters' or 'The Death Guard'..."
    "Actually Lord, both those chapters had those names when they were loyalists."
    "You're kidding."
    "No, My Lord."

    "Yeesh. I would have thought names like that would be a bit scary for the average imperial citizen. I mean "Yay we're being rescued by the World Eaters" just doesn't sound credible while "Aargh! Flee! It's the World Eaters" seems much more likely."
    "Yes, My Lord. I believe the latter is more likely these days anyway."
    "Makes no bloody sense at all."
    "Yes, My Lord."
    "Kill 'em all and let the Chaos Gods sort 'em out I say."
    "Sounds like a completely reasonable approach to me, My Lord."

    How many non- marine players does it take to change a las bulb?

    Both of them.

    Terminator rules:
    Though shalt never ask a terminator to speak in an Austrian accent.

    Though shalt never replace a terminator's storm bolter with a wooden replica.

    Though shalt never ask a terminator for a teleport to the pub.

    Terminators shall never teleport into the sisters of battle shower room.

    Though shalt never replace a terminator's storm bolter with two duct-taped lasguns.

    Though shalt never say "Gonna miss!" as the terminators teleport thruogh a wall.

    a pair of gretchins walk into a bunker
    you would think one of them would have seen it

    an ork walks into a battlewaggon

    1. The imperial guard are on a planet near their bunker facing a tyranid invasion force. A squad of conscripts is sent out of the bunker to fight. the leader of the squad shouts to the commisioner " sir when can we go back into the bunker?" the commisioner replies " when you've killed 40 small ones or one big one." the leader turns to the rest of the squad." don't worry lads i've got an idea let's attack the one they started on earlier it's only got one eye!"

    2. what do you call a lasgun with a laser sight? twin linked

    3. this is a commandment: Thou shalt not sing happy birthday to the force commander when thy brother with power fist is lurking nearby.
    4. the Terminator is not a pototype necron
    5. NEVER tap a broardside on the back as it is fireing its railguns

    Why are Orks good at gardening?
    ’Cuz they've got green fingers!

    Why didn't the Carnifex eat the Space Marine?
    He was against the idea of genetically-modified food.

    One day an Inquisitor was cleansing a planet led by an evil count. The Inquisitor finally caught the count and took him to the torture chambers for interogation. The count would never say anything. Finally the Inquisitor decided to just execute the count. Right before the servitor swung the axe to decapitate him, the count yelled "STOP! I'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING!". But being a mindless servitor, the creature swung the axe anyway before the Inquisitor could stop it. The Inquisitor left the room to write in his log, "Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken".

    40K JOKES

    Last edited by Hex; October 5th, 2008 at 18:07.
    "Well... that hurt" - Vampire Jon Skellan (Mannfred's right hand man) after being beaten up, falling down an underground waterfall and being impaled by a stalactite.

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    Hi, Mom! Tutankhankh's Avatar
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    The jokes are good - in particular the "101 Ways to Annoy Your Opponent" and the Space Marine Chapter names ones - but shouldn't this go in the Jokes and Funny Stuff forum?

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    Hex is offline
    Blistering Barnacles! Hex's Avatar
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    Thats for off topic stuff, this is still to do with the game.

    Read it all through!
    "Well... that hurt" - Vampire Jon Skellan (Mannfred's right hand man) after being beaten up, falling down an underground waterfall and being impaled by a stalactite.

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    Member ztviper17's Avatar
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    i liked the hogwarts story alot!
    As of Sep 25th 2008
    2k+ Blood Wolves (SM) 0|1|0
    1k- Black Frost 1st (IG) 1|0|0

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    Member darcchipmunk's Avatar
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    The chapter names story was awesome. Great job!

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    Hex is offline
    Blistering Barnacles! Hex's Avatar
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    Thanks, I knew you'd like it!
    "Well... that hurt" - Vampire Jon Skellan (Mannfred's right hand man) after being beaten up, falling down an underground waterfall and being impaled by a stalactite.

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    Member Lore_Colten's Avatar
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    hehe, very good =]
    Funnist warhammer moment ----> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kr2jlCyCJBI

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