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These are taken from papers turned in by American high school students.
1. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
2. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
3. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
4. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
5. He was as tall as a 6'3" tree.
6. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
7. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
8. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
9. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7: 00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
10. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
11. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
16. Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
18. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
19. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
20. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
21. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
22. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
23. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
24. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
25. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
26. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
27. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
I've got some Chinese proverbs which I'll run by a higher-up later before posting.
Hahaha, awesome some early morning laughs to get me going before lectures
Lol, awesome. Number 27 finished off the list perfectly.
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Been here nearly 10 years and still haven't managed 500 posts.
Excellant stuff. I choked on a sausage and sprayed bread crumbs on the monitor while reading it.
Here follows some Chinese proverbs. They are intended to be light hearted and non-offensive. If anyone is offended by them, let me know, and I'll remove any culprits.
(btw, I did talk to a higher-up about these)
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel y all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget
lol, really funny my favourite is nunber 15.
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