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Hi, this is the jokes thread of LO. If any of the following jokes break any rules, could they pm me straight away and I will edit the post. If anyone has a joke that they want to share, just post it here. Here are a few to start it off:
Three OUTLAWS were securing a sniper tower - Perch, PlayKing and Sam. Perch falls off and is killed instantly (sorry bro).
As the ambulance takes the body away, PlayKing says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Sam says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
PlayKing says, "Where did you get that, Sam?"
"Perch's wife gave it to me," Sam replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Sam says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Perch's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of beer you are." "It's Corona but I didn't feel that it was the right time to complain"
Proof that men do remember
> A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
> "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?
> The husband looks up from his coffee, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met".
> She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16," he says solemnly.
> Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
> "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
> The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?"
> "I remember that, too" she replied softly.
> He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
Part 1. These are actual comments made on students' report cards by
teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers
were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together ..
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. Deleted because this is a 13+ sight not an 18+
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Part 2. These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document·"
13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to t he shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
4 "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Bill Gates in Hell
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."
"Control, Alt and Delete."
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son,
“Boy, go git yo Momma…”
Well, here's a joke many of you have probably heard quite a few times, in one form or another, and if it is too "slanderous" against someone, which I hope it is not, please tell me and I'll remove it.this one is for the scandinavians
A Britishman, a Frenchman, a Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn are all sitting in a plane when suddenly the captain of the plane announces that unless they lighten up the plane the fuel won't be enough to take them to the destination.
So the five passangers throw everything out the door of the plane that they can throw out, the seats and everything.
After they've thrown out everything they can the captain tells them that they are still to heavy and still need to lighten the load. There's nothing left put the passangers.
The British looks at the others and say, I'll sacrifice my self so the rest of you can live. And jumps out the door yelling, Long Live The Queen!
Still the captain says they are too heavy to make it. The Frenchman looks at the others and says that he'll sacrifice him self for the rest and jumps out yelling, Viva La France!
Now it's just the Swede, the Norwegian and the Finn.
The captain announces that they are almost there but still need to lighten up.
The Norwegian and the Finn look at each other and then quickly grab the Swede and toss him out yelling, "Long Live The Nordic Co-operation!"
and here is the last one...
You know you live in 2008 when...
1. You go to a party, sit down and take MySpace pics.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have AIM/LiveJournal/MySpace/Facebo ok.
4. You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.
6. Your evening activity is sitting at the computer.
7. You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling.
8. You think about how stupid you are for reading this.
9. You were too busy to notice number five.
10. You actually scrolled back up to check if there was a number five.
11. And now you're laughing at your stupidity.
12. Put this in your profile if you fell for it. You know you did.
I have many more to share, and if someone wants them, just tell me
Last edited by Hive Fleet Ruina; November 23rd, 2008 at 17:44.
Quote of the Week (Number 3) - "It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument." - William Gibbs McAdoo (1863-1941)
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