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Thread: Funny things...

  1. #1
    BANANA! Hive Fleet Ruina's Avatar
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    Funny things...

    Kids say the darndest things

    A COLLECTION of some of the funniest things to be written by young students in school tests.

    The future of "I give" is "I take."

    The parts of speech are lungs and air.

    The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

    A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

    Define H2O and CO2. H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

    A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

    The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

    A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

    Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

    The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 oppossums.

    The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

    We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

    One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

    A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

    One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

    To prevent head colds, use an agoniser to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

    The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

    Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

    The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

    Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

    The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

    In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

    Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

    In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

    A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

    Combat for Dummies

    ADVICE and instructions from actual military sources. Some of these guys must have had a sense of humour.

    "Aim towards the enemy." – Instruction printed on US rocket launcher

    "When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend." – US Marine Corps

    "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." – USAF Ammo Troop

    "If the enemy is in range, so are you." – Infantry Journal

    "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit." – Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

    "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." – US Air Force manual

    "Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo." – Infantry Journal

    "Tracers work both ways." – US Army Ordnance

    "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." – Infantry Journal

    "Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid." – David Hackworth

    "If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush." – Infantry Journal

    "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." – Joe Gay

    "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." – Anon

    "Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do." – Unknown Marine recruit

    "Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you." – Infantry Journal

    "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." – USAF Ammo Troop

    Sweet innocence

    The world as interpreted through the eyes – and mouths – of children.

    I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
    As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

    On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
    A woman was trying hard to get the sauce to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.
    "It's the priest, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
    Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
    The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

    It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
    "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
    "It sure is," I replied.
    Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
    Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

    While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
    One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
    As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
    "And why not, darling?"
    "You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."

    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
    Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead bird. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

    The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn...and into the hole he goes."

    A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
    "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

    A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
    Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
    "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.
    "What have you got there, dear?"
    With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

    Driving test answers

    Answers purportedly received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
    1. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
    What for? He can't see my licence plate.

    2. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

    The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

    3. What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?

    Always wear a condom.

    4. When driving through fog, what should you use?

    Your car.

    5. What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

    I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

    6. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

    I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

    7. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

    Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

    8. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

    The colour.

    9. How do you deal with heavy traffic?

    Heavy psychedelics.

    10. What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

    Carry loaded weapons.

    Choosing heaven or hell

    While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

    His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St Peter at the entrance.

    "Welcome to Heaven," says St Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

    "No problem, just let me in," says the man.

    "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven.

    "Then you can choose were to spend eternity."

    "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.

    "Im sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

    They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while ruling the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

    Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realises it, it is time to go.

    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.
    "Now its time to visit Heaven."

    So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from

    cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

    "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

    The politician reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

    So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

    "I don't understand," stammers the politician.

    "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

    The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

    Quote of the Week (Number 3) - "It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument." - William Gibbs McAdoo (1863-1941)
    Ruina's Hive - My personal Blog

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  3. #2
    404: Title not found Acarna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hive Fleet Ruina View Post
    A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
    That has to be the best one

    Rep to you my good man


  4. #3
    BANANA! Hive Fleet Ruina's Avatar
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    Here are some more jokes Most of these are well known...

    Things people actually said in court, word for word:
    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.

    Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
    A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.

    Q: And where was the location of the accident?
    A: Approximately milepost 499.
    Q: And where is milepost 499?
    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

    Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
    A: Well I can see pretty well I think.

    Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
    A: After the accident?
    Q: Before the accident.
    A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.

    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.

    Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
    A: Yes.
    Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
    A: Yes sir.
    Q: What did she say?
    A: What disco am I at?

    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

    Q: Did he kill you?

    Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

    Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?

    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?

    Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
    A: I went to Europe, sir.
    Q: And you took your new wife?

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male or a female?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

    Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
    A: "I have been since early childhood."

    Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
    A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

    A blonde joke...

    There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

    The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
    Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

    Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer.

    Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
    The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
    Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
    Last edited by Hive Fleet Ruina; June 12th, 2009 at 18:08.
    Quote of the Week (Number 3) - "It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument." - William Gibbs McAdoo (1863-1941)
    Ruina's Hive - My personal Blog

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    A blond, brunette and a redhead go hiking, and each bring one item to share on the trip.
    The brunette brings sandwiches so they can eat when they are hungry.
    The redhead brings water so they can drink when they are thirsty.
    The blond brings a car door so she can roll down the window when it got too hot.

    A blond, brunette and a redhead a stuck on an island a mile from shore and decide they should try to swim across and get help.
    The brunette swims an eighth of a mile, comes back and says she cannot do it.
    The redhead swims a quarter mile, comes back and says she cannot do it.
    The blond swims a half of a mile, comes back and says she cannot do it.

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