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I was bored one day, so I decided to make a dedicated thread for 40K jokes. I know 2 off by heart, and I will get some more up tomorrow. I made up number 1...
1. Why do Tyranids always win? Because the Space Marines always get bored and leave during the tyranid movement phase.
2. Why do tyranids not use e-mail. Because they have a carnifax
Will have some more up soon.
Quote of the Week (Number 3) - "It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument." - William Gibbs McAdoo (1863-1941)
Ruina's Hive - My personal Blog
LOL rep for you my friend! here is one thats terrible:
what is a blood god's favorite food? a Khorne Dog!
yes i know its aweful.
A Slaneesh demonnette was found, half dead, by a platoon of imperial guard, who screamed "foul abomination" and walked along by....
Next, a sister of battle came past, screamed "foul abomination", cast some protective runes on herself, and walked along by......
Next, a space marine came past, put a bullet in it's leg, and left it there to die a sorrowful death....
Next, an ancient and wise Eldar came along....
5 minutes later, he walked out of the bush, muttering under his breath "they don't make them like they used to......"
The Orks are entrenched in fortificatrions on a battlefield when they here some shouting from the enemy trenches.
"One Space Marine is worth 10 Orks" So the orks cant let their 'good' name be slandered so the Boss sends ten orks to run to the enemy trench shouting "ere we go". After a couple of minutes the orks here a voice shout " One Space Marine is worth 50 orks". So the Boss sends fifty orks charging towards the enemy trenches. Ten minutes later a voice shouts " One Space marine is worth 100 Orks". So 100 orks charge into the enemy trench on the Boss's orders. 15 minutes later a solitary ork returns and reports to the Boss that " They cheated boss, there was two of um!".
How many Slanneshi Cultists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Well, two, of course, but don't ask me how they got in there.
Q: How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to outlaw lightbulbs, and one to deny the existence of lightbulbs.
>1) Thou shalt not bend to the will of nerds playing war games, and act
>upon your own free will.
>2) Though shalt not tap the glass on the Dreadnought.
>3) Though shalt not feed the Orks.
>4) Barney the Dinosaur is not your friend.
>5) Barney is a heretic.
>6) Don't play "Truth or Dare" with Sisters.
>7) Don't play "Spin the Bottle" with Sisters.
>Don't play "Hangman" with the Inquisitor or Berserker.
>9) Thou shall not steal half the imperial arsenal for disco lights!
>1Thou shall not use thou's laser site to blind Imperial Guard.
>11) Thou shall not remove the Imperial Guards power packs from their
>Lasguns while they are asleep.
>12) Thou shall not play Frisbee with a Tau Shield Drone.
>13) Thou shalt not attempt to steal a Tau's weapon "to give to the poor
>14) Thou shalt not moon the Tau in combat. They are good shots.
>15) Thou shalt not laugh at the poorly painted armies.
>16) Thou shalt not play 'fetch' with a Kroot flesh-hound using a guardsman.
ok so there were more than one.
There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who cannot.
Three very ancient and revered sisters of battle ( retired ) were at prayer in the monastery chapel when a naked male slanneshi cultist ran past them screaming rude suggestions. Two had a stroke there and then. The third couldnt quite reach.
Jager bombs. Very efficient at wiping out friend or foe.
thou shall not offer a breath mint to a carnifex
though shall not ask if you may donate your gene seed to a sister of battle
thou shall not immitate an aussie accent near the necrons
just because your fighting necrons, doesn't mean your standard equipement is a skaven and a tin opener.
Terminators and glue don't mix
thou shall not tip over the terminators in battle
kill kanz are not walking garbige bins
thou shall not do scooby doo impersinations near a space wolf
thou shall not attempt to hi five a tau
thou shall not debate on the protective merits of the dark eldars purple spandex or thou shall have to join the sisters.
thou shall not place a purge me sign on the back of a chaplin
thou shall not attempt to drive a librarian insane, by repeatidly shouting in his mind can you hear me? near a librarian.
when battling snotlings, thou shall not shout. look! someone missed the toilet.
thou shall not replace the commander's O2 units with laughing gas
itching powder and dreadnoughts do not mix
never wave a red flag near a chaos dreadnough
though shall not call exterminatus over a planet just to kill your ex-wife
thou shall not attempt magic tricks or offer a wand to a librarian
thou shall not teleport into the sisters showering facilities
thou shall not go into the sisters monasteries for panty raids
thou shall not ask a sister if they would like to slip onto something large or more comfortable
thou shall not insult a thousand son about his male reproductive system ( edited by me for all to see )
thou shall not have an ork as your designated driver!
that's all that i remember at the moment ^^.
apoligies if some of them are inappropriate
Some rules I made up for my Space Marine chapter (Defenders of Albion):
Imperial Guard are people, too.
Orcs do not make good pets.
Imperial Guard do not make good pets.
Tyranids do not make good pets.
Yes,the tyranids need their extra arms.
You cannot stop a rhino just by thinking it.
You cannot even stop a guardsman just by thinking it.
Pink armour is hereby banned.
Pink armour is hereby heretical.
Anyone painting themselves pink 'for a laugh' will be kicked out.
Do not cross the librarians' palm with silver. He will not tell your future for you.
Because roman numerals look cooler, that's why!
The scouts are not pointless.
The cook is a space marine, too.
We don't have a librarian because we don't need one,not because we can't afford one.
The bikes' wheels aren't supposed to move.
The imperial guard aren't supposed to bend like that.
Put the guardsman down.
The tau are not cute.
The slaaneshi cultists are not cute.
The orcs are not cute (and where are you getting the idea that they are?)
You are blue because it is a cool colour.
No, green would not be more practical.
Neither would khaki.
Go away! I'm in charge here!
The orcs are not 'good at heart'.
The chaos do not 'just need some love'.
The captain does not need a 'good kick in the rear'.
The sisters of battle are not eye candy.
Neither are they window dressing.
You may not touch the sisters of battle. Not even with gloves.
The space wolves are space marines too.
The necrons do not all look alike.
You can outshoot the tau if you try.
The scouts are not footrests.
The rhino is not a climbing frame.
The dreadnought is not a climbing frame.
Do not ask the dreadnought 'for a piggyback.'
Before you try, the imperial guard aren't for eating.
Anyone caught pinning a 'shoot me' note to the captains' back will be summarily executed.
Last edited by Attila the Hun Jr; September 13th, 2009 at 00:54.
Worshipper of Dice
Last game: Victory Dark Elves vs High Elves & Orcs & Goblins
WDL: Dark Elves:37/6/8 Space Marines:7/3/3
What do you call a lasgun with a laser sight?
Never ask the tau if they "smell that?"
That's all i've got at the moment.
Woot a post without any speelling mistaykes.
The Emperor Protects
IG Best Gen 1st overall of 10 DE 4th overall of 6
Eldar 3rd Overall/Best General of 26--2nd Overall/Best General of 7--1st Overall/Best General of 11
"Quick, Johnson! Now, while the captain's not looking!"
*Johnson clutches his posterior while his squad-mates chortle heartily...
Me too. I might have to thieve some of these.
http://www.armyroster.com Check out my ToP WIP in the projects section!