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This is my favourite joke ever, feel free to post yours
Two cows are standing in a field. One of them goes "Mooooooooooo"
The other cow turns to him and says,
"You bastard. I was just about to say that"
This might appeal to you mate,
Why are pirates pirates?
because they AARRRRGGHHH
I made myself sad...
My favourite one, that is reasonably suitable for consumption by all is this.
Two fishermen are fishing off the back of a boat, and one of them hooks something huge. After a while, he manages to land this stunning, full on topless mermaid. Both fisherman start walking like john wayne, shes so damn beautiful. Then the one who caught her apologises, cuts the line, and throws her back in the water.
"Why?" asks the other fisherman.
"It fits like clothes made out of wasps!"
Two nuns are driving through Transylvania, late at night.
Suddenly, Dracula leaps out of the bushes and lands on the bonnet of the car.
"Oh my God, we're going to die!" the novice nun cries.
"It's alright!" says the Mother Superior. "Just show him your cross and he'll run away!"
So the novice winds down the window, leans out and shouts, "**** off!"
(your cross/you're cross, y'see!)
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: one to feed the giraffe and one to fill the bath with purple fish.
Revenge is a dish best served with mayonnaise and those little cheesy things on sticks.
+++ Osric the Loopy, planetary governor of Corania (appointed 756.M41, removed from office by the Officio Assassinorum 764.M41) +++
A man approaches the gates of heaven and is greeted by St. Peter. Peter tells him he is free to enter, but he must record how the man died. He began:
I have been suspecting my wife was cheating on me for months. Today I came home early and found her acting very suspiciously. Two burning cigarettes in the ashtray gave me all the proof I needed. I went into a fit of rage, storming around our high-rise apartment looking for the jerk who's been banging my wife. Finally I noticed a pair of hands hanging from our balcony. I looked over to see a naked man clinging to the ledge. Furious, I ripped the refridgerator from the wall and threw it on his head, sending him to the street below. Unfortunately all the strees gave me a heart attack and, well, here I am.
Alright, go on in said St. Peter. Just then a second man approached the gates. St. Peter told him the same requirement. The man started the story of his recent death:
I live on the top floor of my apartment building. Every morning I exercise naked on my balcony, since noone is likely to see me so high up. It must have rained last night, because the ground was wet and I slipped and fell. I thought I was saved, as I managed to grab hold of a balcony below. But then some crazed lunatic stormed out onto the balcony and dropped a refridgerator on me. I never had a chance after that.
St. Peter recorded his story and let him in. A third man came up soon after. St. Peter told him he must record the details of the man's death before entry, just as before. The man started:
You see, I was hiding in this refridgerator.....