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  1. #1
    The ORIGINAL Sniper Puss eiglepulper's Avatar
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    The Tau Commandments

    Members of AdvancedTauTactica compiled this list. I am responsible for some, but not all!

    The Tau Commandments (from AdvancedTauTactica)

    #1: Thou shalt not refer to Aun'va as "The Old Git".
    #2: Thou shalt not use Photon Grenades to put on a firework display.
    #3: Thou shalt not yell "Goodness, is that bird a Bee-Eater?" when standing in the presence of Vespid.
    #4: Thou shalt not twirl an Honour Blade around thine head, declaring: "Look at me, I'm a helicopter".
    #5: Thou shalt not make meowing noises near Kroot Hounds.
    #6: Stealth teams are forbidden to leap out from behind things and yell "Boo!" at Aun'va.
    #7: Broadside Teams must not use Gun Drones for clay-pigeon shooting practice.
    #8: Thou shalt not make fun of Shadowsun's nose.
    #9: Thou shalt not paint "go-faster" stripes on a Piranha.
    #10: Thou shalt not write "Shoot me, I can take it" on Shield Drones.
    #11: Thou shalt not put nitrous oxide in the Vectored Retro Thrusters fuel supply.
    #12: Thou shalt not substitute the caffeine-related contents of Stimulant injections with other more "esoteric" concoctions.
    #13: Thou shalt not paint "When I grow up I want to be a Hammerhead" on a Piranha.
    #14. Thou shalt not shout "I'm an astronaut!" whilst riding in a Piranha.
    #15. Thou shalt not use Gun Drones as frisbees for Kroot Hounds.
    #16: Thou shalt not ask Aun'va if he wants to play Bumper Cars.
    #17: Thou shalt not whistle Rimsky-Korsakov's "Flight of the Bumblebee" when passing Vespid.
    #18: Thou shalt not play catch with Photon Grenades.
    #19: Broadsides must not whinge about a Hammerhead's Railgun being "bigger than theirs".
    #20: Thou shalt not Markerlight the Commander's Iridium Armour to find out "if it will withstand a Seeker missile impact".
    #21: Thou shalt not utter the words "I knew he needed glasses" when referring to your Shas'el taking a Targetting Array.
    #22: Thou shalt not refer to Shadowsun as "butch".
    #23: Stealth Team members must not lie down in front of Crisis suits to "trip them up for fun".
    #24: Thou shalt not provide Kroot with napkins "to dab away the food stains".
    #25: Thou shalt not play "Tig" with Kroot Hounds.
    #26: XV8 wearers shall not say "Come on, slow coach" to XV88-wearers.
    #27: Thou shalt not use thy simulations in thy manta
    #28: Thou shalt not laugh as you watch your enemies be dissolved by plasma a mile away
    #29: Thou shalt not play the "mechanical bull" game on your Krootox"
    #30: Thou shalt not give thy cadre's shaper advice on DNA strands
    #31: Thou shalt not requisition a Manta for bungee jumping.
    #32: Thou shalt not spray Vespid with mosquito repellent.
    #33: Thou shalt not shout "BOO!" when jumping out of cover and shooting thine opponent.
    #34: Thou shalt not join Shadowsun's army just because you want some "eye candy".
    #35: Thou shalt not pretend not to know what happened when you are caught putting 20 Railguns on your hammerhead.
    #36: Thou shalt not constantly repeat "are we there yet" when riding thine Devilfish.
    #37: If thou can lift your own weight, you are not truly a Tau. Weakness is our strength.
    #38: Thou shalt not poke your Shas’ui with your overlength pulse rifle.
    #39: Thou shalt not paint shark teeth on thou Piranha.
    #40: Thou shalt not make funny faces in front of Aun'Va's guard to see if they are like the Buckingham Palace Guards.
    #41: Thou shalt not use Markerlights to point out troop movements on a map.
    #42: Thou shalt not point your Markerlight at the ground thinking that a beam of light will come down and vaporize your foe.
    #43: Thou shalt not switch the seeker warheads to high-yield strategic warheads. That is mean.
    #44: Thou shalt not retrofit gun drones with nuclear detonators and then drop them on your foe. Without warning.
    #45: Thou shalt not learn how to fight in close combat - only strong races get to do that.
    #46: Thou shalt not make fun of Pathfinders. Remember - he who fireth the seeker laughs last.
    #47: Thou shalt not add guns to your barracuda - no-one will laugh.
    #48: Thou shalt not give Railguns to gun drones - those guns are too heavy!
    #49: Thou shalt not use fire warriors as a decoy - every life is precious!
    #50: Thou shalt not put 5 burst cannons upon thine devilfish, no matter how powerful it is.
    #51: Thou shalt not chase Vespid with fly swats whilst playing Benny Hill music. No matter how tempting.
    #52: Thou shalt not tell "Why did the chicken cross the road?" jokes in the presence of Kroot. They are very sensitive and much better fighters than us.
    #53: Thou shalt not scare Imperials by threatening to flush the Golden Throne.
    #54: Thou shalt not deploy "Backyard bug zappers" when fighting Tyranids
    #55: Thou shalt not use weed-eater when fighting Orks.
    #56: Thou shalt not shoot through terrain with Railguns. Even though they could totally do it. With ease.
    #57: Thou shalt not use anti-gravity fields to make the enemy heavier, until they are crushed. They will not be happy.
    #58: Thou shalt not give broadsides the stealth ability. It would make everyone else cry, and then no-one will want to join the Greater Good.
    #59: Thou shalt not win in close combat. Just take a dive. Better that than everyone finding out the Tau know karate...
    #60: Thou shalt not use anti-biotics on Nurgle armies. They will not get better. They'll just get worse.
    #61: Thou shalt not use thine Piranha to "ghost ride the whip"
    #62: Thou shalt not ask a Shaper "Does Polly want a cracker?"
    #63: Thou shalt not switch the Marker Beacon on a Devilfish on and off "just for fun".
    #64: Thou shalt not give one- or two-fingered salutes from a Piranha just because it is open-topped.
    #65: Thou shalt not tap on the upper body of an XV8 Battlesuit and shout "Is there anybody in there?"
    #66: Thou shalt not ask Aun'va if thou canst "have a go on his bike".
    #67: Thou shalt not ask Aun'va "Can I have a lift please?"
    #68: Thou shalt not juggle with Photon Grenades.
    #69: Thou shalt not use the Sniper Drone Spotter's Drone Controller for playing Computer Games.
    #70: Thou shalt not stand on top of thine Hammerhead's turret and make rude gestures at the enemy tanks "just because your range is better than theirs".
    #71: Thou shalt not shout "Fetch!" at Kroot Hounds when the Kroot win a combat.
    #72: It is forbidden for Piranha pilots to play chicken with their Hammerhead counterparts.
    #73: Thou shalt not refer to Commander Farsight as a "Flash Git" just because he has a power weapon.
    #74: Itching powder shall not be placed inside Stealth Armour.
    #75: Thou shalt not use thy Markerlights on thy Christmas tree.
    #76: Thou shalt not launch a Seeker Missile "just to see how far it will go".
    #77: Thou shalt not perform loop-the-loops in a Piranha unless wearing a seatbelt.
    #78: Thou shalt not scare the embarked Fire Warrior Team by shouting "Look Mum...no hands!"
    #79: Thou shalt not use thine AFP to feed birdseed to the Kroot.
    #80: Thou shalt not suggest that Aun'va needs "anti-wrinkle cream".
    #81: Thou shalt not forget to use the bathroom before getting into an XV8 crisis suit.
    #82: Thou shalt not refer to Commander Shadowsun as a "stuck-up cow" just because she did not join your unit.
    #83: Thou shalt not refer to Commander Shadowsun's drones as "The Three Stooges".
    #84: Your Ethereal is not "The Dude in the robes".
    #85: An Ethereal's symbols of office shall not be referred to as "a pair of chopsticks".
    #86: Thou shalt not play ice hockey with an EMP grenade as the puck.
    #87: Thou shalt not place bets on which Kroot Hound catches the fleeing enemy first.
    #88: Thou shalt not ask a Krootox Rider "Is the weather cold up there?"
    #89: Thou shalt not call your Commander "a wuss" just because he stands slightly behind the front line.
    #90: Thou shalt not refer to the Fire Warriors who form the Ethereal's Honour Guard as "Brown Noses".
    #91: Thou shalt not use a fleet of Manta Missile Destroyers to write messages in the sky.
    #92: Thou shalt not switch all of your fire warriors pulse rifles for Markerlights - its just evil.
    #93: Replacing Railgun ammunition with paintballs is not funny - just messy.
    #94: Shouting "Fetch!" to Space Wolves is mean - do not do it. Too often.
    #95: Stealth suits are not to be used for painting graffiti on enemy tanks at night. Show some respect (even if those tanks are so very primitive...)
    #96: Thou shall not call the Aun’va stinky just because he uses pheromone control.
    #97: thou shall not dress up as an imperial cowboy and rustle Krootox; it annoys the earth caste to have to find you a new skeleton.
    #98: Grots aren't "big green puppies"
    #99: thou won't right "honk if you think I'm hot" on Shadowsun's personal manta, it makes it impossible for her cadre to make sneak attacks.
    #100: Just because your rail rifle can (A) implode and ( turn imperial guard into wet red balls, is no reason to call them tacky pink wussies.
    #101: Thou shalt not place photon grenades inside the barrels of a burst cannon before firing just to see some "fireworks".
    #102: Thou shalt not point and laugh at Grey Knights or anyone from the Ordo Malleus because they are consulting their grimoire for your True Name (Tau have cloven feet).
    #103: Thou shalt not offer to race Aun'va on his 'scooter' with a Piranha.
    #104: Thou shalt not place a live photon grenade on a vehicle seat to see if the pilot sits on it.
    #105: Thou shall not reconfigure the targeting systems of a XV-8 to designate berserkers as 'teletubbies' and gretchin as squiggoths.
    #106: Thou shalt not paint "Save the Whales" on Orcas.
    #107: Thou shalt not walk around with your head angled sideways just because your helmet's lenses are vertically placed.
    #108: Thou shalt not call Kroot Hounds "Sparky, Spot, Rover, or Rex," but "Ripper" and "Killer" are O.K.
    #109: Thou shalt not shout “Who’s a pretty boy then?” at Kroot Birds unless thou wishest thine head to be removed by the Kroot Bird’s large beak.
    #110- Don't go for joy rides in the hammer head when not in control of your faculties, it isn't fair when you get in a bar fight to be able to destroy the bar.
    #111- Thou shalt NOT give a markerlight to a gue'la to use as a laser pointer during meetings. That's called cheating.
    #112: Thou shalt not make screeching noises when thou spottest Aun'va coming round a corner.
    #113: For thine own sake, thou shalt remember that Commander Shadowsun's posterior is *never* big in anything. Recall the fate of Farsight's statue if thou art wise...
    #114: Thou shalt always exercise thy Green Cross Code Kerb Drill when crossing in front of Aun'va, as his reactions aren't what they used to be.
    #115: Thou shalt not vociferously object when Aun'va fails to give direction signals. One hand is steering, the other is holding the Paradox of Duality; he has no hands left to operate the indicators. It is up to you to guess where he's going.
    #116: Thou shalt not play with thy radio-controlled toys when near Commander Shadowsun's Command Link Drone, as it "gets confused easily".
    #117: Commander Shadowsun's hair does not "look like the tail of a horse".
    #118: Thou shalt not fly at break-neck speed in a Hammerhead "just to see how good the Targeting Array is".
    #119: Thou shalt not make rude gestures through the vehicle's vision slits at enemy troops being lacerated by Flechette Discharger ammunition, nor mayest thou laugh uproariously at their plight. Remember that at *some* stage you will have to disembark and meet their friends....
    #120: Thou shalt not fit multi-coloured plastic cards onto the Shas'O's Blacksun Filter lens.
    #121: Thou shalt not use the Decoy Launchers in thy Piranha Squadron to "give you a ticker tape parade" for your birthday.
    #122: Thou shalt not use a Positional Relay to prevent a colleague's unit from deploying from Reserve simply "because you don't like him".
    #123: Thou shalt not try to find out how good the ASS is by attempting to trip a Broadside.
    #124- Thou shalt not use Disruption Pods as a replacement for the broken disco lights.
    #125- Thou shalt not grill hot dogs using the engines of thine vehicles a la "Hot Shots!".
    #126- Thou shalt not reverse the batteries in thine Commander's hard-wired systems.
    #127- Thou shalt remember to drive slowly in the presence of Aun'va. Honking the horn may cause him to have a heart attack from the shock, and thus is not permitted.
    #128- Thou shalt not 'borrow' thine Battlesuit from a military facility to help thou move.
    #129- Thou shalt not imbibe before getting into thine Battlesuit. Replacing the contents of thine Stim Injector with whisky is likewise forbidden.
    #130: No matter how tempting, thou shalt never replace the power charges on thine commanders battlesuit with a hand crank.
    #131: Thou shalt never replace battlesuit weapons with joke ones that have a flag that say "bang!".
    #132: Thou shalt call kroot "speed bumps".
    #133: Thou shalt not paint false rank badges on thy XV8 Crisis suit so that you can get to play with Special Issue stuff.
    #134: Using the Cyclic Ion Blaster in Airsoft Competitions is strictly forbidden.
    #135: Thou shalt not use thy Hammerhead's railgun as a seesaw.
    #136: Krootox are not suitable for use as polo ponies.
    #137: Thou shalt not skim EMP grenades over the lake.
    #138: It is not funny to attach a hook and chain to the back of Aun'va's mobile and then tie said chain round a pillar.
    #139: Piranha Pilots must not eat peas or baked beans before going operational out of consideration for their Co-pilots.
    #140: Thou shalt behave with decorum and not fight to get the window seats when mounted in a Devilfish.
    #141: Thou shalt not paint "Short Vehicle - Please Pass" on the back of thy Piranha.
    #142: Thou shalt not replace your pulse rifles with rail rifles and "hope no one will notice".
    #143: Thou shalt not give shields to thine hammerhead - you are not Eldar.
    #144: Thou shalt not increase the grade of exlosives used by your submunition shots - S10 AP1 Ordanance Blast is just a little harsh.
    #145: Thou shalt not use a Manta Missile destroyer for free just because "It dropped us off, why can't it just hang around for a while..."
    #146: Thou shalt not use thine fusion blaster or plasma rifle for a light show. Using the CIB in a similar manner is likewise prohibited.
    #147: Thou shalt remember to change your paint gun for your plasma rifle before going into combat.
    #148: Thou shalt not perform stupid acrobatics on thine Piranha while in flight a la "Hot Shots!".
    #149: Thou shalt not borrow Shadowsun's XV22 suit with its two Fusion Blasters because you want to pretend to be "Yosemite Sam in a bad mood" (remember how he would fire his guns at the ground ?)
    #150: Thou shalt not tie a line between the aerials on your Crisis Suit helmet because you have washing to dry.
    #151: Broadsides shall not laugh at the size of a Crisis Suit pilot's Pulse Pistol.

    Contributors: Eiglepulper; Hitman; Munchkin; Subanrab; O’Shais; Quex; Shas’o Ol’ya Savon Kais; Shas’el Kushial; Ultramar40k; XV-02; Errant_Venture; Shas'o Ol'ya Savon Kais; Shas’O Cheesy.

    "Tau Commandment #226: Participants who use Velocity Trackers in the Tau Clay Pigeon Tournament will be disqualified"

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  3. #2
    Pomogromogranite! Aether-Moose's Avatar
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    #61 = Win.
    Quote Originally Posted by Brett on Quidditch
    I couldn't help but imagine some poor guy looking up to find a Badger hurtling towards him, about to wrap itself around his skull.
    [ 1500pt. Chaos List, C&C! ]
    -=W: 2 -D: 0- L: 3=-

  4. #3
    LO Zealot MobiusPrime's Avatar
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    What's with all these huge 'list joke' threads? They're not even that funny.

  5. #4
    Member Loafus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by eiglepulper View Post
    #61: Thou shalt not use thine Piranha to "ghost ride the whip"

    #70: Thou shalt not stand on top of thine Hammerhead's turret and make rude gestures at the enemy tanks "just because your range is better than theirs".
    A) you don't really know what "ghost ride the whip" means do you? you don't actually ride in anything while performing this activity.

    remember that imperial guard can out range the tau by a "holy crap it reaches HOW far?" lot on multiple vehicles. Chaos and Orks and inquisitorial forces can all use these same vehicles. and the Eldar have a 60" gun too. so really the only armies you laugh at are Nids (but they have spore mines), dark eldar (they can move 12 and shoot 48 giving them an effective 60), and space marines (who will just drop in next to you). Damn, Tau are not the gods of shooting, who woulda thunk?
    When life gives you lemons, beat it over the head and take its wallet.


    Army W/L/D
    40K
    Emperors Children: 66/27/19
    Imperial Guard: 71/27/10
    Space Marines: 9/17/2
    Eldar: 41/34/25
    WFB
    Skaven: 79/36/35
    Chaos: 23/20/46
    High Elves: 35/27/6

  6. #5
    Member Fox3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Loafus View Post
    A) you don't really know what "ghost ride the whip" means do you? you don't actually ride in anything while performing this activity.

    remember that imperial guard can out range the tau by a "holy crap it reaches HOW far?" lot on multiple vehicles. Chaos and Orks and inquisitorial forces can all use these same vehicles. and the Eldar have a 60" gun too. so really the only armies you laugh at are Nids (but they have spore mines), dark eldar (they can move 12 and shoot 48 giving them an effective 60), and space marines (who will just drop in next to you). Damn, Tau are not the gods of shooting, who woulda thunk?
    But do the eldar have a 72" gun? Didn't think so. neither does anyone except IG. And if you want to include "effective" range, try 84" on for size.
    "To follow any path other than the Tau'va is to doom us all. Only together and with courage and discipline shall we stand victorious. Fight with fire and courage and nothing can stand against us."

    - Commander Shadowsun

  7. #6
    Bearded Ninja Arklite's Avatar
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    yes lets all get pedantic and point holes in a joke because we have nothing better to do eh?

    some of them are pretty damn good others.. not sure much


    spambot kill tally: 79


    [16:19] <@Alzer> Arky's right though
    [16:20] <@Kaiser-> I know he is.
    [16:20] <@Kaiser-> He usually is.
    [16:20] <@Kaiser-> Sometimes it's intentional.
    ----
    [00:01] <+zubus> i love you, ya skirt wearin nothern monkey! ^_^

  8. #7
    The ORIGINAL Sniper Puss eiglepulper's Avatar
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    @ Loafus: Actually, yes I do know what "ghost ride the whip" means (ref #61). That's the whole point of that particular commandment: anyone mad enough to try this escapade will find it isn't a good idea since gravity and the hardness of the ground they eventually hit will teach them this lesson once and once only, since they will be probably dead. A Piranha is a flying machine. You only GRTW while moving. Therefore you will be in mid-air when you perform the GRTW. Hence the instruction not to use a Piranha to perform this act.

    Again, regarding the "range is better than theirs" comment (ref #70), that is exactly all it is: the gun crew are being reminded that it is not in fact a good plan to do such things as wave two fingers in the air and so on, since many enemy vehicles do indeed have greater range in their weapons than the Tau do, the crews of said vehicles are likely to have limited humour tolerance of such unruly behaviour and are thus likely to respond with in-coming high explosive.

    Remember the format of commandments: "thou shalt not" phrases do not necessarily give the reason for the commandment; it is easier just to say "Don't do it". In most of these Tau Commandments, the reason is not given. It is up to the reader to fill that part in.

    Please do feel free to pick holes in these commandments if you so wish, but also please remember that they are meant to be daft rules and sometimes it requires the reader to look "outside the box" to get the real meaning.

    E.
    "Tau Commandment #226: Participants who use Velocity Trackers in the Tau Clay Pigeon Tournament will be disqualified"

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    Member Loafus's Avatar
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    yeah, sorry i was for some reason in a bad mood that night :blush:.
    When life gives you lemons, beat it over the head and take its wallet.


    Army W/L/D
    40K
    Emperors Children: 66/27/19
    Imperial Guard: 71/27/10
    Space Marines: 9/17/2
    Eldar: 41/34/25
    WFB
    Skaven: 79/36/35
    Chaos: 23/20/46
    High Elves: 35/27/6

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    The ORIGINAL Sniper Puss eiglepulper's Avatar
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    Not to worry; we all have bad days.

    Now where's my Rail Rifle......

    E.
    "Tau Commandment #226: Participants who use Velocity Trackers in the Tau Clay Pigeon Tournament will be disqualified"

  11. #10
    Sir Proofreader Deadstar_MRC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by eiglepulper View Post
    #10: Thou shalt not write "Shoot me, I can take it" on Shield Drones.
    And why exactly not? ( You're lucky I can't paint that small...:shifty

    Great work guys. Especially #52, #53 and #59

    Tau knowing karate - I hope that's in the next Codex update...
    Rabbit; Our Tau community has the talent of figuring out how to turn a feather into a timebomb. Macgyver would be jealous.
    8people; Honey, why is my fluffwars story your shopping list?

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