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  1. #1
    Keeper of Records and Ale King Ulrik Flamebeard's Avatar
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    1372 (x8)

    On a lengthy evening Air Canada Flight with a somewhat "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants

    The Captain of an Air Canada flight inadvertently left the cabin intercom on and transmitted the following message: Does anybody have any idea what this switch does?

    Upon landing, a West jet stewardess was heard to say: "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

    Also from West jet: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. So pay attention!"

    "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

    As the Continental plane landed and was coming to a stop at La Guardia, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:

    "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

    From a Southwest Airlines flight crewmember: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

    In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.

    The captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers: "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

    "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore and feel free to take them home with our compliments."

    "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

    "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed equally amongst the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

    And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

    Heard from a flight attendant on a West jet Airlines flight just after a very hard landing in Edmonton, Alberta: "That was quite a bump, and I know what you're all thinking ... I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt."

    Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

    Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

    A Canadian airline pilot wrote in his journal, a few years ago, that on one particular flight due to strong crosswinds, he had unfortunately hammered his ship onto the runway with a very hard greeting. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer on the flight to stand at the exit door while the passengers disembarked, to smile and repeat "Thanks for flying our airline." His comments indicated that, in light of the poor landing, he avoided eye contact with the passengers in an attempt to avoid any smart comments that might result. Finally there was only one little old lady left to exit the plane. Walking slowly up the aisle with a cane, she approached the awaiting first officer and said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

    After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

    Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways."


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  3. #2
    LO Zealot
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    Hehe, those where fonn-ay

  4. #3
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    ROFLMAS!!!

  5. #4
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    Those are great. Did you make those up? I know that people never said that, but nonetheless it is still very funny.

  6. #5
    Senior Member XV-88's Avatar
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    Grrrrrreat! My favorite:
    After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
    Henceforth no man shall set foot upon the world, and all around shall be set sentinals to ward away unwary spacecraft. We must accept that this place is lost to us forever, and is now the eternal habitation of abomination.

    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>another annoying thing i hate: 47,000 similies in one post. just thoght id throw that in there and see if anybody else hates it as much as i do.</div>

  7. #6
    Member crazi_nurgling149's Avatar
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    those were pretty funny
    Woman:"We cant treat everyone equally when they're clearly not! What's that called kids?"
    Kids: "Communism!!"

    Post all ya gobbo wins and ya stoopid orcses losses here! Da Big Green Tracka!

    (\_/)
    (0.0) Worship the bunny, for he is thy God.
    (><)

  8. #7
    Member the_ultramarine's Avatar
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    i will never go i=on a plane again, jp
    give me 1000 men crazy enough to conquer hell, and we will do it

    consider the predator
    let your soul be armoured with faith driven on the tracks of
    obdience which will overcome all obstacles
    and armed with the great guns of zeal, duty, and purity

    -anon

  9. #8
    Member the_ultramarine's Avatar
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    i will never go i on a plane again(jp)

    sorry for the double posted, i thought clicking stop would&#39;ve stopped the first post from transfering
    give me 1000 men crazy enough to conquer hell, and we will do it

    consider the predator
    let your soul be armoured with faith driven on the tracks of
    obdience which will overcome all obstacles
    and armed with the great guns of zeal, duty, and purity

    -anon

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