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  1. #1
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    These are just some things my friend sent to me i thought they were kind of funny. Also i don't know where he got them. so if i am repeating someones post mods feel free to get rid of this one.

    The Night Before 986996.M41

    'Twas the night before 986996.M41, and all through the station
    All there was clear, there was no abomination.
    My helmet was set on the desk to my right,
    On the chance that I was to need it that night.
    The guardsmen were ensconced, asleep in their beds,
    All the tanks too were safe, secure in the sheds.
    Marines in the barracks, some manning the wall,
    Assured me that the bastion never would fall.
    When out in the yard there arose such discord
    I grabbed up my bolter and unsheathed my sword.
    Away to the window, I ran to take aim
    As the marines around me all did the same.
    My bionic eye turned the night into day
    Allowed me to see, and to seek out my prey.
    When what did my loyalist ocular show,
    But an ancient conveyance, knee-deep in the snow.
    The vehicle was pulled by horned quadrupeds
    And a fiery red nimbus glowed from the sled.
    The driver was mighty, his eyes full of scorn,
    Dressed all in crimson like a servant of Khorne.
    I gestured for other to shoot without pause,
    For I was now certain this was Santa Claus.
    "Fire Marines! Fire Guardsmen! Fire Ogryn and Ratlings!
    Fire bolters! Fire lasguns! Fire mortars and gatlings!"
    "You in the courtyard and you men on the walls!
    Now blast away! Blast away! Blast away all!"
    But all through this maelstrom the evil one flew,
    Past plasma and bolt shells and frag that we threw!
    And then, to my horror, I heard on the roof
    The vile cavorting of each decadent hoof.
    Screaming my orders, I spun quickly around,
    As down the chimney shaft it came with a bound.
    I saw its eyes glow, its vast stomach gurgle,
    Bloated and fat, like a deamon of Nurgle.
    Blinded by anger, I attacked with a scream -
    Charged into battle with my brave space marines.
    As we thundered towards him, closing the rift,
    He reached in his satchel and pulled out a gift.
    Then it tossed the vile boxes - I fell in a stoop,
    As they arced through the air at me and my troops.
    The wrapped missiles fell short, and plopped at our feet,
    Our morale was quite strong, we did not retreat.
    But the marines paused - our charge was disrupted,
    They picked up the gifts and were quickly corrupted.
    For each box contained a chaotic present -
    The marines (damn their souls), found them quite pleasant.
    A bolter, a flamer, a new power fist,
    The Claus gave to all, and he checked off a list.
    It moved through the station and left in its wake,
    The sound of bright laughter and the stench of fruitcake.
    The others succumbed, but it failed in its goal,
    For to me it gave only a small pile of coal. The station was lost, I
    could only instruct
    The bastion computer to set self-destruct.
    I failed to kill him, for I saw as I fled,
    The target escaping, quite safe in his sled.
    I heard it cry out as the base burst into light,
    "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

    Marine Recruitment Ad

    Blank screen. The sound of a movie projector starting up (whirr, flip
    flip flip flip). Then, light, revealing the Imperial double-headed
    eagle, over which a circle has been overlaid. Inside the circle is a six.
    This then changes to a 5
    *blip*...4-*blip*...3-*blip*...2-*blip*...(screen goes black again...)
    Words flash across the screen: "Marine Recruitment Advertisement
    The screen now shows a Space Marine in power armor relaxing in a chair,
    smiling at the camera. Next to him is a movie player/slide projector on
    a card table and a small projection screen. The Marine's colors and
    badges indicate that he is an Ultramarine of the third company. He isn't
    wearing a helmet, and a power sword is strapped to his side; across his
    shoulder pad the name "Pluvius" is emblazoned.
    "Hi, I'm Brother-Captain Pluvius. You may remember me from other
    Imperial propaganda such as 'Down With Orks!', and 'Here Come the
    Ultramarines!' Today, I'm here to give you a glimpse of what it's like to be a
    Space Marine in the forty-first millenium. When I'm done giving you the
    tour, you can decide for yourself whether the Adeptus Astartes is the
    place for you.
    "First off, what are the Adeptus Astartes? The Adeptus Astartes, or the
    Space Marines, are the one of the finest fighting forces in the arsenal
    of Imperium of Man. We are the mailed fist of the Emperor [HL: Space
    Hulk, the computer game]. Or, if the Imperial Guard is the mailed fist,
    then we're the finely honed rapier's point [HL: Space Hulk, Missions &
    Background]. On the other hand, if you consider the elite Legio Ordo
    Sinister to be a rapier's point, and the Imperial Guard to be a
    sledgehammer, then we're a scalpel. [HL: Titan Legions]. More specifically, the
    Adeptus Astartes is composed of roughly a thousand Chapters of about a
    thousand men, all given the best training that's still technically
    legal, and biologically enhanced to better carry out the Emperor's Will. So
    there you have it. So, you ask, how do I sign up?
    "To begin with, it would only be fair to say that the life of a Space
    Marine is not for everyone. First, we don't accept any heretics,
    including Chaos and Genestealer cultists. Repeat, no heretics. If you are a
    heretic, you should instead report to your local Inquisition Fortress for
    mandatory interrogation and subsequent execution. Second, we look for
    the finest warriors in the galaxy, and we recruit them while they're
    still young. Therefore, you must be eighteen years or younger to be
    eligible for recruitment. Currently, we are not accepting any females or
    abhuman scum, but this situation may change soon with the "kinder, gentler
    Administrata" currently in power. If you meet these criteria, then you
    may be eligible to be a Space Marine.
    "All Marine Chapters are not created equal, and each is suited more for
    some individuals than they are for others. Every Chapter has its own
    unique history and flavor, so whatever your tastes, there's a Chapter for
    you. Let's take a look at a few noteworthy Chapters now." Pluvius
    uncrosses his legs, turns on the projector, and grabs the clicker.
    The first slide shows a Dark Angel marine, dressed in power armor and
    robes, standing next to a bone-white Terminator. Pluvius recites, "The
    first Chapter of the Adeptus Astartes is the Dark Angel Chapter. Known,
    along with their offshoot chapters, as the Unforgiven, the Dark Angels
    seek redemption for a sin that perhaps only they still remember."
    *click* An Imperial Fist Marine, dressed in gaudy yellow, firing his
    bolter at the sky. "Imperial Fists, renowned for their ferocity, were
    instrumental in the defense of the Imperial Palace in the days of the
    Horus Heresy."
    *click* An Ultramarine Devastator Squad, firing lascannons and heavy
    bolters in the midst of a cloud of smoke. "I, myself, hail from the
    Ultramarines. One of the most orthodox Chapters in the galaxy, we adhere as
    closely as possible to the sage writings of the Codex Astartes.
    Needless to say, we undisputably the most powerful Chapters in existence."
    *click* A Flesh Tearer scout, tearing the head off of an Eldar Guardian
    with his bare hands. "Infamous for their ferocity and bloodthirsty
    ways, the Flesh Tearers are truly a force to be reckoned with."
    *click* A Rainbow Warrior Marine, emptying a recycling bin. "Not only
    do the Rainbow Warriors fight with zeal in times of war, but they also
    patrol the galaxy for ecological damage, and punish wrongdoers with
    righteous anger."
    *click* A jump-pack-equipped White Scar soaring through the air. "Also
    instrumental in the Horus Heresy, the White Scars are renowned for
    their lightning raids and blitzkrieg attacks."
    *click* A World Eater, standing atop a plain of skulls, chainsword in
    one gauntleted fist, a clenched power glove on the other. "Whoops."
    Pluvius looks alarmed, leans forward and quickly grabs the slide out of the
    projector, immediately popping it into his mouth. When he finishes
    chewing it down, he says hurriedly, "Let's just pretend we didn't see that
    one, shall we?" He frowns at the projector, then shuts it off. Looking
    up, he continues:
    "Whichever Chapter you choose, you will be rewarded with a plethora of
    new skills and enhancements. Immediately upon entrance, the young
    recruit will be implanted with the first of many new and improved organs.
    Assuming he survives the process, more and more organs will be added, and
    the new Marine will find himself gifted with powers he never could have
    attained on his own, such as eating rocks, enhanced senses, and
    spitting corrosive venom!" The screen behind Pluvius lights up again, showing
    several Marines engaged in a spitting contest, saliva burning smoky
    holes in the pavement.
    "Many skills are learned in the tour of duty as well. By the end of his
    second year, the average Marine can outshoot an Imperial Guardsman,
    take more punishment, and defeat three of them in hand-to-hand combat."
    The screen in back of Pluvius cuts to the scene from the Angels of Death
    Codex, where a squad of Blood Angels messily tears through a group of
    human cultists. Pluvius beams proudly at the show, and chuckles happily
    as a power-fisted Marine smashes the skull of an unfortunate cultist.
    Smiling, he turns back to the camera.
    "As a matter of fact, advance research shows that, after all the
    genetic modifications have been made, and power armor handed to him, A Marine
    is three times more likely than an Imperial Guardsman to survive a
    direct hit with a lasgun." The screen cuts to the Mentor Legion research
    labs, where a Tech-Marine has twelve Marines and twelve Guardsmen lined
    up by the wall. After shooting all of them with a lasgun, two Marines
    fall over, wounded, and six Guardsmen. The Tech-Marine nods and says
    something to a nearby Servitor, who jots tally marks onto a clipboard.
    "After all the paperwork has been filled out and processed, new Marines
    will also be eligible for special "Rapid Fire" and "Shaken Rules"
    benefits, yet another perk of being one of humanity's finest.
    "Recruits are also guaranteed, free of charge, housing at the Chapter's
    fortress monastery. In a few, rare, cases, a Chapter might not have a
    fortress monastery, but instead a starship or orbital station.
    Nonetheless, there is no shortage of housing, and no Marine goes without bed and
    board. Yes, food is free, too. While a Marine can eat rocks for
    sustenance, the normal fare is much more tasty and nutritious." The screen now
    shows a group of Marines (no helmets, this time) seated in a cafeteria,
    forks and knives in hand, licking their chops and watching a live cow
    being lowered onto the table. Pluvius turns back, wiping a little bit of
    drool off of his chin, and goes on.
    "Recruits with especial talent or inclination in more abstruse studies
    may receive free training in the technical school of their choice
    (Scholastica Psykana, Adeptus Mechanicus, or Colegio Apothecarion) under a
    special Space Marine Scholarship." The small screen now shows a Space
    Marine, dressed in full powered armor, sitting at a desk, filling in a
    scantron exam with an ancient and venerable #2 pencil. "These Marines go
    above and beyond the call of duty on the battlefield, lending their
    fighting skill while applying their advanced skills wherever they are
    needed most." Screen cuts to an Apothecary, carnifex in one hand, standing
    over the body of a dead Marine. He notices the camera, suddenly, looks
    up, and smiles. Then he goes back to his work, roughly jabbing his
    carnifex into the Marine's chest and extracting the bloody, dripping
    geneseed, which he sticks in a jar.
    "Time was, that you never got to see any new faces as a Space Marine.
    Back then, we thought that we were simply above abhuman trash,
    contemptible Imperial Guardsmen, or untrustworthy aliens. But times are changing
    now - thanks to the new "affirmative action" plans, it is acceptable
    for Space Marines to fight alongside all these interesting characters.
    Every day, it is more and more common to see an Eldar Exarch fighting
    side-by-side with the Dark Angel Ravenwing, perhaps supplemented by the
    might of a Leman Russ battle tank. And while mighty characters such as
    Assassins and Inquisitor Lords are numerically rare, they make up for it
    by fighting more than their share of battles. So as you can see,
    joining the Adeptus Astartes is a great way to meet new people.
    "In the grim darkness of the forty-first millenium, there is only war.
    But that doesn't mean that there's no time for fun and games! Every
    fortress-monastery is equipped with full recreational facilities. Just
    take a look." The screen goes through a number of scenes, including: Two
    Blood Angels, decked out in power armor, contemplating a game of Go; a
    pair of Space Wolves playing a game of jai alai; a Salamander in
    Tactical Dreadnought Armor deftly kicking a soccer ball away from a pack of
    Nova Marines; Angels of Redemption marines cheering on a ping-pong match;
    a Howling Griffon Assault Marine doing a twenty-foot high backflip off
    of a diving board, then promptly sinking to the bottom of the pool; an
    Angel Encarmine Devastator on a grassy hill, his autocannon propped
    against the tree, flying a kite in a clear-blue sky.
    "And what about long-term benefits? Well, the average tour of duty in a
    Space Marine Chapter is about three hundred years. After that time,
    very few Marines decide to leave the Chapter voluntarily. But for those
    that do, it looks great on the resume! Former Space Marines are rarely
    out of a job for long, and are much sought-after in many occupational
    areas. For those that die in the line of duty, full honors are bestowed
    posthumously, and funeral services arranged for." The screen shows a dead
    Blood Drinker with his progenoid glands cut out, and a Chaplain giving
    the services - "We will remember." Then he moves on. Pluvius again:
    "Lucky Marines who are mortally wounded in combat may have the option to
    be encased in a sarcophagus of adamantite, and instated as a Living
    Deadnought, allowed to serve the Chapter for hundreds of years more."
    Pluvius winds up his pitch now, and stands up. "So there you have it.
    The Adeptus Astartes - it's not just a job, it's an adventure. If you
    want to learn more about the enlistment opportunities, contact your local
    recruitment base, and tell them that Pluvius sent you. And as for me-"
    Pluvius folds up the projection screen, revealing a horde of Orks
    engaged in combat against an Ultramarine army in the background. Pluvius
    puts on a winning smile, and unstraps his power sword. Turning to the
    camera once more: "-I've got a battle to win. See you around. For the
    Emperor! Brother Octavius, watch your flank! Brother Amadeus, seal that gap!
    Brother Vicconius..."
    <patriotic music for the credits, and then the reel ends>

    &quot;Everyone should try arrogance, it's absolutely wonderful. You can go out, do whatever you want, and go home. And the best part is, no matter what you do, or how much you ***** everything up, nothing's ever your fault because 'thou art god'.&quot;

    -Bernard M. Smith, the <u>real</u> Michael Smith and modern day Petronius

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  3. #2
    Member Warped314's Avatar
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    The santa claus one was clever. I didnt bother reading the rest, just too long.
    For if one gave, he dared assert
    He knew that man was repentant
    For many a man is so hard of heart
    He cannot weep even though he suffers sorely

  4. #3
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    That was one of the best 2 things i have read in a while&#33;
    <span style='font-size:8pt;line-height:100%'><span style='color:black'>Order Of the Black Rose</span>
    <span style='color:red'>Blood God&#39;s Initiate</span>

  5. #4
    LO Zealot Blood God's Avatar
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    Santa clause one was by far the best 40k spin off I have ever heard. It was very well done

  6. #5
    Senior Member Ascension's Avatar
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    Haha, very nice. Christmas in the 41st millenium&#33;
    <span style='font-size:14pt;line-height:100%'>[Subliminal message] I AM KING [/Subliminal message]</span>

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