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Thread: Funny Quotes

  1. #1
    hotspike18
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    "If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

    "A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."

    "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

    "A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials."

    "Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."

    "You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."

    I can resist everything except temptation."

    Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."

    "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."

    The only difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road is that there are skid marks around the skunk

    Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps


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  3. #2
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    Dont Judge a book by its cover(You're probably thinking why?its because bookcovers are meant to decide if you pick the book up&#33
    Lifes a PC game, learn to play it or loose.

  4. #3
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    In 'Spiritual and Moral Education' my friend Alex said 'This is rediculous, I'm not doing this. No one has a valid opinion except me, Hitler and Jeremy Clarkson.'
    Signature?

  5. #4
    Senior Member Rengaw's Avatar
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    30 (x2)

    homer:" no beer and no tv make homer...."
    marge: "crazy?"
    homer: "Don't mind if i DO!! WOOOBOBOBOBOWOOPOODOOO WIBBIYWIBBLYWOOOB!!!!
    Take my words with a grain of salt, i am not the tactical genius i think i am!

  6. #5
    Son of LO darkreever's Avatar
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    186 (x8)

    "can i put a gunrack on my bike?"

    "if you werent my son, id hug you."

    Take my love, take my land, take me to where I cannot stand; I don't care I'm still free, you can't take the sky from me.

    "The difference between gods and daemons largely depends upon where one is standing at the time."- Lorgar
    Member of the Fluff Masters Clan

  7. #6
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    "Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
    - Golda Meir (1898-197 to a visiting diplomat

    "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
    - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

    "A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."
    - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

    "I'll moider da bum."
    - Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare

    "Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."
    - George Burns (1896-1996)

    "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems."
    - Paul Erdos (1913-1996)

    "The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad."
    - Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

    "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
    - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

    "Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe."
    - H. G. Wells (1866-1946)

    "The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'."
    - unknown

    "If you are going through hell, keep going."
    - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

    "I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters."
    - Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

    "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
    - Voltaire (1694-177

    "He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death."
    - H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

    "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
    - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

    "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
    - J. Paul Getty (1892-1976)

    "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
    - Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

    "Black holes are where God divided by zero."
    - Steven Wright

    "I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it."
    - Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

    "We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time."
    - Vince Lombardi

    "All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher."
    - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

    "Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down."
    - Jimmy Durante

    "There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life."
    - Frank Zappa

    "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
    - Isaac Asimov

    "If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."
    - Carl Sagan

    "Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera."
    - James Stephens (1882-1950)

    "I'll sleep when I'm dead."
    - Warren Zevon (1947-2003)

    "Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together."
    - Georg Lichtenberg (1742-1799)

    "Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches."
    - the Duchess of Windsor, when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life

    "First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."
    - Mahatma Gandhi (1869-194

    "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."
    - Mel Brooks

    "A narcissist is someone better looking than you are."
    - Gore Vidal

    "Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny."
    - Guy Davenport

    "I would have made a good Pope."
    - Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994)

    "In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience."
    - W.B. Prescott

    "What do you take me for, an idiot?"
    - General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy

    "A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines."
    - Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

    "It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid."
    - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

    "if you read all of these then please say so, i want to see who has the pastience to do so on this site"- trouble (right now)
    "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."
    - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

    "Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake."
    - Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)

    "Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
    - Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

    "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
    - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

  8. #7
    Senior Member isitused's Avatar
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    47 (x3)

    I did, this isnt as bad as some pervious topics.

    "Blast Dust and Dirt From Your Computer... and Everything Else!" - Dust off compressed-gas duster

    -GM
    I put the Laughter back into Slaughter.
    Sons of Prometheus <click>
    Children of Murder <clic>

  9. #8
    Pathfinder Edicius's Avatar
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    54 (x5)

    I read it. I&#39;m pretty sure we&#39;ve done this thread like twice before.Anyways I got some more to add.

    Frisbeetarianism is the philosophy that when you die, your soul goes up on a roof and gets stuck.
    - George Carlin

    Don&#39;t yellow water me off. i&#39;m running out of places to hide the bodies.
    - A T-Shirt

    Maybe this world is another planet&#39;s Hell.
    - Aldous Huxley

    Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.
    - Emo Philips

    The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What&#39;s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you&#39;re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you&#39;re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm.
    - George Carlin

    Why yes -- a bulletproof vest.
    - James Rodges, Murderer, On His Final Request Before The Firing Squad

    How come on the condom dispensers it has a little picture of birds flying over a pretty mountain. They use sex to sell everything else... why don&#39;t they use sex to sell condoms?
    - Jeff Carnegie

    Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
    - Mike Wilmot

    I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it&#39;s in a jar on my desk.
    - Stephen King

    How to please a woman? Love her, die for her, take her to dinner, miss the superbowl for her, buy her jewelery, pretend you&#39;re interested in what she has to say...How to please a Man? Show up naked, bring beer.

  10. #9
    Member Bio-hazard's Avatar
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    I read it all, well done...

    "If there was no god, then it would be necessary for us to invent one"

    Voltaire

  11. #10
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    108 (x4)

    Here is some of the best quotes from Douglas Adams, the man who wrote THE book...

    "A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

    "Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."

    "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."

    "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

    "If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands."

    "If somebody thinks they&#39;re a hedgehog, presumably you just give &#39;em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves."

    "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

    "Life... is like a grapefruit. It&#39;s orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast."

    "The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate."

    "There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

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