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  1. #1
    Sap
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    I'd post this on another forum I visit where I know people a lot better, but seeing the person in question is a member there it isn't an especially good idea if I want to help them.

    Anyway, on the aforementioned forum a while ago I started talking to this person. They had some tech problem... I forget what it was... or maybe it was games related, but anyway I added them to MSN and after solving the issue we talked for a bit.

    Over the weeks and months that followed it became clear that this person had... issues. Now I know that not everyone is extroverted - I'm not - but this person was an extreme. Picture a 28 year old woman who lives inside. All day, every day. Life consists of anime and the 'Net.

    I'm all for letting people do as they please in that regard, but this concerned me... it wasn't healthy. This person, she has cancer. Is she getting treatment? No. It has also become clear that she doesn't value life - not even her own.

    Another member on that forum and myself talk to her a fair bit and we're both very concerned... but we're starting to wonder if we're just wasting our time. I think a lot of people have been in this situation with her.

    Essentially she isn't waiting to die, nothing like that... she is just... doing nothing. She doesn't work on a regular basis, she doesn't get money from the Government, she doesn't have any face-to-face social contact (I'm talking simple stuff like actually going to a shop and talking to the person behind the counter) or anything at all.

    No real hobbies as such. She used to play Warhammer 40k but she doesn't do that any more even though she loved it... she hasn't really said why, but like with a lot of things she's mentioned she seems to have gotten out of it because it involved actually dealing with people.

    Fair enough, she doesn't like big social gatherings. But both this other guy and myself have tried to talk her into just one-on-one things - we've both been in her part of the country before and have offered to buy her lunch or whatever. Not in some weird way, but just in the same way you might ask a friend out or whatever.

    She's fine with online stuff. Until she broke up with this girl (yes, she is a lesbian, that isn't a typo) she was going to get married to someone she hadn't met in another country.

    Occasionally she'll get the male hates up - I know why she has this attitude, but it is still difficult for myself and this guy to work with it if she is going to be like that.

    Basically, this girl has had a lot of suck arse stuff happen to her. Shortly after secondary school a guy who used to be in her class (I found this out not so long ago and considering the way she has spoken to me for months on end I have no doubt the story is true) decided that no, lesbians don't exist and that all she needed to set her straight was a nice big penis... so yeah, you guessed it, he delievered.

    To some this may sound as if I am judging her too much and maybe I am, but I and others have spoken to her for a considerable amount of time. She does her best to push people away and alienate herself. People have tried to convince her that she should get treatment, that she could go to forum meets or furry community meets (even tiny ones with one or two people) and she basically takes the "la, la, la I'm not listening" approach to things, which is really sad... she doesn't even get angry or upset, at least not visibily.

    Even when she was planning on getting married (which has now been called off) her fiance tried the "I love you, I want you to stick around" sort of arguement to get her to have treatment. Did she? Nope. Even the promise of children to raise didn't persuade her.

    She... doesn't get that people care. Last night the other guy said he had a dream the day before. He dreamed that saw a thread by me on the forum we visit, saying how she'd died. So rushed online, thinking it was real, and asked if she was okay. He explained the story and her response was basically a "meh".

    This morning I told her that this guy had told me and she said he must be on crack or something. She told me it was stupid that people cared for her and valued her life. She is egocentric, really... she can't see the situation from the perspective of others. Plenty have cared and tried to help, but she just pushes them away but telling them that they're idiots to care because there isn't anything worth caring about.

    So feel free to tell me I care too much or my sadness for this person is unjustified, but her situation does worry me... she's a nice person, a lot of the time she's a great person to talk to, it is just that other times she can be really messed up.

    I'm just wondering if anyone has ever dealt with a similiar type of personality or knows what to do... because I really feel, and so does this guy and seemingly so many others who have come in and out of her life over the years, that I'm just wasting my damned time caring about someone who doesn't want to be cared about.

    EDIT:

    And yes, I am aware she could be a compulsive liar. I know a couple of people like that so I'm perfectly aware of it... it is just that if she is lying she is fairly convincing. But however you look at it, the girl has issues.

    If you don't know what you want you end up with a lot of stuff you don't.

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  3. #2
    Senior Member Joker's Avatar
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    Wow. Saying this woman has issues is an understatement! If she isn't lying or just being manipulative for attention than she needs professional help! Judging only on what information you have given here I am leaning toward her being manipulative for attention. Do you know for certain it is even a real female? The entire situation you described makes me very sceptical. I don't mean that in an offensive way, it just seems too bad to be true.

  4. #3
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    Originally posted by uberloz@Dec 1 2004, 00:47
    Wow. Saying this woman has issues is an understatement! If she isn't lying or just being manipulative for attention than she needs professional help! Judging only on what information you have given here I am leaning toward her being manipulative for attention. Do you know for certain it is even a real female? The entire situation you described makes me very sceptical. I don't mean that in an offensive way, it just seems too bad to be true.
    [snapback]261530[/snapback]
    No, I'm not taking that as an insult or sceptical at all. It is a possibility and one I've considered. But a he or a she, this person does have issues and does need help. I'd like to say that I should just stop caring but I'm not like that.

    Still, I do know that I can't help him slash her until they actually want help.
    If you don't know what you want you end up with a lot of stuff you don't.

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    I agree totally.

    Regardless of gender a person in this type of depression requires help. Unfortunately, if you have no way to get in touch with the family members of this individual who have ways to get help to them, then you really can only be a shoulder to lean on until one of 6 things happens:

    1) the person reveals themself as a phony.

    2) cancer wins.

    3) you extricate yourself from this emotional blackhole (I'm refering to the situation not the individual)

    4) this person extricates themselves from you.

    5) the situation continues ad nauseum

    6) the individual seeks help

    Given those options I can't say I envy you. The only advice I can give if you must remain in contact, is to continue to work toward a face to face meeting which would at least give you more options to help.

    Good Luck!

  6. #5
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    Yeah, thanks. At the moment the other guy has just given up, he was pretty insulted about her response to our concerns. Me, I'm not going to go out of my way to keep in contact - if she wants to talk I'll talk, other than that, no.
    If you don't know what you want you end up with a lot of stuff you don't.

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