Good ol' 40K humor - Warhammer 40K Fantasy

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  1. #1
    Senior Member Broadside_Pilot's Avatar
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    Good ol' 40K humor

    Here are some good 40K-related jokes I've found in my travels. I didn't write any of these.

    "My Lord, I bring news."

    Typhus Marburg paused in his study of the situation map of the dreary little planet his forces were engaged in
    ravaging. "Yes?"

    "Lord. Starships have appeared in the outer system and are on course for a landing. They have been identified as
    elements of the Flesh Tearers."

    "Yeah? Tell them to sod off and find their own world. Tell 'em we got here first."

    "Sire, you misunderstand. They are here to defend this world!"

    "What! Why? It's a sorry state of affairs when the followers of Chaos start to defend the weakling Imperium from each

    "Um, Lord... the Flesh Tearers are a loyalist chapter."

    "They are? With a name like that! Are you sure they're not one of ours?"

    "Positive, My Lord."

    "Have you been able to call for any assistance?"

    "The Astropaths have contacted other forces nearby. Unfortunately this has also alerted other loyalist forces in the
    sector and they are also headed our way."

    "Bugger. So who gets here first then?"

    "The Alpha Legion, sire."

    "It never rains, it only pours, hey?"



    "The Alpha Legion is one of ours."

    "It is?!"


    "I'm confused. You're telling me that a mob called the 'Flesh Tearers' isn't one of ours but a mob called the - what was
    it again..."

    "The Alpha Legion, sire."

    "Right... a mob called the Alpha Legion is one of ours."

    "That is correct, sire."

    "So who else is showing up to this barney then?"

    "The Blood Drinkers."

    "One of ours?"

    "One of theirs."


    "The Iron Warriors."

    "One of theirs?"

    "No. One of ours."

    "Go figure."

    "The Dark Angels."

    "Now I've heard of them. Followers of Slaanesh aren't they?"

    "No, I think you're thinking of The Fallen, sire. The Dark Angels are Loyalists too."

    "Bugger. So who else then?"

    "The Emperor's Children."

    "Oh, that one's too easy. They're obviously loyalists with a name like that."

    "Um, not exactly my Lord."


    "Yes, Lord. They're one of ours too."

    "This is silly. All the really evil sounding names are being used by weakling loyalists while it seems as though the
    forces of chaos have got the naff monikers. Are there any more of these I should know about?"

    "A few, Lord."

    "OK then, spell it out for me, starting with Loyalists that sound like traitors and then moving onto traitors that sound
    like Loyalists."

    "I will attempt to do so, Lord. OK - the Loyalists that sound like traitors... the Marauders, Rampagers, Destroyers and
    Storm Lords (all White Scar second foundings in point of fact)."

    "I like the sound of the Storm Lords. You sure they aren't one of ours?"

    "Quite sure. Then there's the Blood Drinkers and the Flesh Tearers - both of which are Loyalist second founding of
    the Blood Angels."

    "With names like that I'd always assumed they were more bone headed followers of the blood god."

    "Not so far, My Lord. Then there's the Red Talons..."

    "I thought they were renegade pirates."

    "No Lord, that's the Red Corsairs."

    "Oh. OK. Continue."

    "The Brazen Claws are loyalists too."

    "Good name for a Khornate force though isn't it?"

    "Yes Lord. Then there's the Black Guard (not to be confused with the Black Legion which IS one of ours), the
    Revilers, and the Raptors."

    "Hold on a minute! The Raptors? They're definitely ours. Hell we've got a small unit of them attached to our forces
    haven't we?"

    "My Lord, those are the troops known as Raptors but there is also a loyalist legion with the same name."

    "Must get a bit confusing for the loyalists then?"

    "I imagine so, My Lord. There are also the Doom Eagles, the Silver Skulls, and the Iron Hands (not to be mistaken for
    the Iron Warriors, who are ours)."

    "Bloody hell. Is that it?"

    "There are also some lesser known chapters that also seem to cause occasional confusion."

    "Such as..."

    "The Doomfarers are one that our forces have occasionally encountered."

    "Oh yeah. Those yoyos. So what about the Chaos forces that sound like loyalists then..."

    "Well as mentioned earlier there are The Emperor's Children, The Iron Warriors, the Thousand Sons, the Lunar
    Wolves (who changed their name to the Sons of Horus and then to the Black Legion)..."

    "Well at least they're easily IDed as one of ours now. The Black Legion eh? Now that's a proper name. Just postively
    oozes evil from every pore."

    "Yes, Lord. To continue, there are also the Word Bearers, and the Alpha Legion."

    "The Word Bearers? What kind of silly name is that for a Chaos Legion?"

    "They used to be missionarys sire"

    "We you'd think that once they switched to our side they'd change their name to something a little more in keeping
    with being evil mad men. I mean come on 'The Word Bearers'? It's a silly name."

    "Yes my Lord"

    "You know, I think the forces of Chaos should have proper Chaos names. There's no room for mistakes when you're
    called something like 'The World Eaters' or 'The Death Guard'..."

    "Actually Lord, both those chapters had those names when they were loyalists."

    "You're kidding."

    "No, My Lord."

    "Yeesh. I would have thought names like that would be a bit scary for the average imperial citizen. I mean "Yay we're
    being rescued by the World Eaters" just doesn't sound credible while "Aargh! Flee! It's the World Eaters" seems
    much more likely."

    "Yes, My Lord. I believe the latter is more likely these days anyway."

    "Makes no bloody sense at all."

    "Yes, My Lord."

    "Kill 'em all and let the Chaos Gods sort 'em out I say."

    "Sounds like a completely reasonable approach to me, My Lord."

    Transcribed by Miikka Lehtonen

    All the important Farseers, Warlocks and Phoenix Lords are assembled in one of the Great Domes of the Ulthwê craftworld.
    A large picnic table has been set up in a field and all the important Eldar are present. Eldrad Ulthran, the greatest of
    all Seers is the chairman of the conclave. In the background we can see Maugan Ra trying to carve a turkey with the Mauge-tar while Fuegan is barbequing a wild boar with his Firepike. Baharroth has been put to good use as a fan, hanging from
    the ceiling and fluttering frantically. In the background millions and millions of ordinary citizens mill about, going on with their daily lives.

    Eldrad: Yes, all right, Baharroth - take it easy before all my notes fly off. They just don't make them like they used to

    Baharroth: Sorry, Great One.

    Eldrad: Yes... all right then. May I have your attention ... Fuegan, FUEGAN! No, don't use your Firepike and that bottle
    of lighter fluid together, you know how that ended last time. Now, we're all gathered here to discuss the changes our
    great race has encountered since the beginning of the 3rd Age. Like most of you know, we used to be a terrifying
    opponent with a solid core of Guardians supported by our elite Aspect Warriors. Unfortunately, that has changed a bit these
    days, but I will address that later.

    Karandras: Eldrad, who ARE all those people around here? The last time I visited you this place was nearly empty and now
    there are Eldar everywhere!

    Eldrad: Yes, well... I was just coming to that. *cough* Seems that someone made a little mistake when we last made a
    headcount... Instead of 5,000,000, there are 500,000,000,000 of us, and 50,000 are born each day.

    Jain-Zar: What? I thought we were a dying race, destined for extinction!

    Eldrad: *cough* (looking a bit embarassed) Yes, we certainly were fooled with that, weren't we. As it turns out, we're
    the largest race in the universe, outnumbering even the Orks.

    Maugan Ra: (giving up on the turkey and giving the now clogged up Maugetar to a Guardian for cleaning) Well, what are
    we waiting for, then? Let's mobilize the Guardians, arm them with our deadly Shuriken Catapults and go to war! With
    our advanced technology and superior numbers we can rule the galaxy within the year!

    Eldrad: (looking more and more embarassed) Well.. that was my second point. It seems that the Bonesingers weren't all they
    were cracked up to be, after all. Turns out that they orchestrated their demonstrations of our equipment and in reality
    they're not quite that effective. In a word, we were cheated. Almeir, if you will bring me that Shuriken Catapult, I will
    demonstrate. He points the gun at Maugan Ra, who is standing less than two meters away from him and pulls the trigger.
    The shuriken screams out of the gun, loses velocity and drops to the ground a little over a meter away from Eldrad.
    With a pathetic *plop* the weapon breaks apart.

    Maugan Ra: (looking shocked for a while) This is an outrage! But never mind! We still have our glorious war engines that
    we will use to crush our foes! Our highly skilled Guardians, armed with technology that surpasses that of the weakling
    empire of Man, shooting through their crystalline targeters, can still win the day for us!

    Eldrad: Yes... I was coming to that... *cough* It also seems that our training programs aren't what they used to be.
    We thought all along that our Guardians were skilled warriors, but...well, look for yourself.

    The Council turns around to watch a group of Guardians trying to hit the Dome's wall with their Shuriken Catapults.
    None do, instead civilians are dying in droves all around them as the Guardians lob grenades over their shoulders,
    accidentally fire their weapons at their friends and crash Jetbikes into them.

    Asurmen shudders visibly. Jain Zar buries her head in her hands with an audible moan. Karandras slaps his forehead.

    Eldrad: Because of this, our tactics will change slightly. You know the whole "every battle that kills a single of
    us is a loss"-routine?

    All Phoenix Lords nod.

    Eldrad: That's right out of the window. Nowadays we'll be using our Guardians as a mobile wall that our troops and
    Avatar can hide behind so that they don't get shot to pieces. We tried, we really did, but that's all we could
    think of for them. It's not like we'll run out of them, is it?

    Everyone laughs.

    A group of young Eldar arrives, all drunk. One of them has been dressed in an oversized robe, with a helmet that's
    clearly at least twice as big as his head. Attached to the helmet are two hideously oversized plastic antlers.
    Everyone points at him and laughs.

    Eldrad: Heh, the kids ... where are those bachelor parties headed? Moving on... we did a brief image survey, and it
    turns out we're not "cool" enough.

    Fuegan: Does that matter? We have the souls of poets and the bravery of warriors, what use have we for "cool"?

    Eldrad: Well, as it turns out, sales figures are dropping and we're in for a brief overhaul... The Dark Eldar...

    Asurmen: Yeah, where DID those guys come from? A year ago I hadn't even heard of them and suddenly they just pop into
    existence. Dangers of the Warp...

    Eldrad: Yes, Asurmen... Very well... *cough* As it turns out, we will be taking a few notes of them. First off, I'll be
    giving you all new names. Traditional names like Baharroth, Asurmen and Khaine simply don't cut the cheese anymore.
    Along with new names, you'll be getting new looks that will be more 90's style and more attractive to the hip kids of
    today. Jain Zar.

    Jain Zar: Yes?

    Eldrad: You're not Jain Zar anymore. You're now "Robin Swallows" and here's your outfit. (Hands Jain Zar 12 centimeters
    of leather). Your job is to get all the horny prepubescent males to play the game. Now, Maugan Ra.

    Maugan Ra: Yes?

    Eldrad: Your new name will be Stone Cold Maugan Ra. You don't need a new outfit as such, skulls ARE cool, but you need to start talking differently. Instead of the stuff you say these days, you'll be saying simple things and ending each sentence
    with "'cause Maugan 3:16 said so". Got it? Try it.

    SCMR: Umm... Son, you need to haul your ass out of my turf or I'll stomp you a new mudhole and walk you dry ... (Eldrad
    smiles encouragingly and waves him on) ... 'cause ... Maugan 3:16...said so?"

    Eldrad: Very good! Now, Karandras.

    Karandras: ...Yes?

    Eldrad: Your new name is "Skorp10" and your outfit works too. Now, Baharroth. (glances up) On second though, with the job
    you've been doing, I'll assign you and your boys as portable air cooling devices to the various Craftworlds. I think that
    about covers you all. Oh, wait, Fuegan?

    Just then, a loud shriek is heard in the background and a huge ball of fire erupts at the barbeque site. Fuegan, five
    Fire Dragons and the Avatar all run around in pain as they burn. Fuegan is holding a bottle of lighter fluid in his hand.

    Eldrad: Oh crap! Not again! I told him not to use the lighter fluid and his Firepike as a flame thrower! Oh, nuts - he's burning up the Avatar too!

    Robin Swallows: Wait, I thought he was immune to fire... he's made out of metal and lava, you know?

    Eldrad: That was all just a marketing ploy. Oh well, it's not like we didn't have spare copies or anything. At the rate
    he keeps appearing in every battle, we'll be up to our pointy ears in Avatars by the end of the year.

    (All the Phoenix Lords shake their heads and mutter approvingly)

    In the background a medical crew loads the barbeque-victims into a grav-ambulance, drives off and hits a tree, causing the
    gravbulance to explode in flames.

    Eldrad: Oh crap! I -KNEW- we should've trained them better! Moving on...

    At this point Eldrad is rudely interrupted as a bunch of Eldar wearing strange, pointy headpieces apparently knitted out of
    wool and decorated with pictures of Hornets with "Charlotte" written on them appear. One of them is carrying a large, black
    box that's emitting horrific drum beating, horse-whinnying and a bunch of humans cursing rhythmically.

    Eldrad: What on Ulthwê are you Eldar?

    DJ Shadowseer: Yo, yo, yo... The Seerahh is da hizzzaaah! Yo yo yo, you strawberry fools be talkin' bout da Rhana-Dandra,
    but pacos locos ay como estans los vagabondos for evaahhh! And more importantly, Ulthwê is rowdy rowdy and ...

    Da Harliez: BOWDY BOWDY!

    Eldrad: Once again, who ARE you?

    DJ Shadowseer: Yo yo yo! We be da Harliez! We be croozing in our @#%$-ass Caddy in da hood when my homie sez that we
    ain't in da new game. And if you ain't got game, you ain't got @#%$ So we be da...

    Eldrad: Yes, yes, whatever. I cannot understand a word that man is saying, can any of you?

    All the Phoenix Lords shake their heads, looking shocked. Baharroth flutters about.

    Eldrad: Let's not pay him any more attention, then.

    Cursing, da Harliez crank up the Domeblastah and shimmy out.

    Eldrad: On to the next point on our agenda... Seems that we'll all be learning a new language as well.

    Maugan 3:16: Why? We already have a well-established and traditional language!

    Eldrad: Yes, well... that kind of stuff is "nerdy" and we certainly can't have THAT, can we now? Our new language will be
    cool, witty and really funny. For instance, the word for human is now "mon-keigh". Mon-key? Get it? (laughs feebly)

    Skorp10 buries his head in his arms and begins to weep. In the background a fire crew arrives to put out the gravbulance,
    but manages to hook up the water hose to the fuel tank, causing much havoc.

    Eldrad: Oh well, at least we're better off than the Necrons.

    "Too right" says a passing Necron Lord.

    Burn the land and boil the sea. You can't take the sky from me.

    Member of the Canadian Clan, eh.
    Mech Tau Cadre: 2000 points, needs paint and magnets.
    Paladins of Avalon (SW):-1500 points, needs paint.

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  3. #2

    :lol: lol nice!

    "Eldrad: What on Ulthwê are you Eldar?

    DJ Shadowseer: Yo, yo, yo... The Seerahh is da hizzzaaah! Yo yo yo, you strawberry fools be talkin' bout da Rhana-Dandra,
    but pacos locos ay como estans los vagabondos for evaahhh! And more importantly, Ulthwê is rowdy rowdy and ...

    Da Harliez: BOWDY BOWDY!

    Eldrad: Once again, who ARE you?

    DJ Shadowseer: Yo yo yo! We be da Harliez! We be croozing in our @#%$-ass Caddy in da hood when my homie sez that we
    ain't in da new game. And if you ain't got game, you ain't got @#%$ So we be da..."

    rofl never woulda thought an eldar would say that ^_^

  4. #3
    Wave Man Kahoolin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Broadside_Pilot
    "Yeesh. I would have thought names like that would be a bit scary for the average imperial citizen. I mean "Yay we're
    being rescued by the World Eaters" just doesn't sound credible while "Aargh! Flee! It's the World Eaters" seems
    much more likely."

    "Yes, My Lord. I believe the latter is more likely these days anyway."
    Nice one. That's exactly what I've always thought!

  5. #4
    Member Super Unknown's Avatar
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    Eldrad: Yes, well... I was just coming to that. *cough* Seems that someone made a little mistake when we last made a
    headcount... Instead of 5,000,000, there are 500,000,000,000 of us, and 50,000 are born each day
    heh heh. Stupid GW... This is great, is there more?

  6. #5
    Xuy is offline
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    Heres some that i've found...hope you enjoy them.

    Sister Superior: All right, Sister Catherine. See that Dreadnought over
    there? Go ahead and fire your meltagun at it. It's just like those passenger
    vans we were practicing on back in Rosencrantz.

    Sister Catherine: That big red one over there? With the claws?

    SS: Yes, that one. Paste it.

    SC: (shouldering meltagun) Because red things are bad, right? That's why I'm
    shooting the hissy gun at it?

    SS: Um...well, not _all_ red things are bad. The Flesh Tearers are our

    Sister Margaret: Barely.

    SS: ...Right, Sister Margaret, but we all recall what happened the last time
    someone used a meltagun to carve 'Sanguinus sucks!' on the back of one of
    thier land raiders, don't we? And don't confuse Sister Catherine.

    SC: I'm confused! I thought I just had to shoot it, not spell something on

    SS: Just ignore Sister Margaret. Go ahead and fire the hissy gun at the
    dreadnought. It's a very naughty dreadnought and it deserves it.

    Sister Patience: You can do it, Sister Catherine! We belive in you!

    SS: That's right...our prayers will guide you. Fire away, Sister Catherine.

    SM: (muttered) Because we're paste if that dreadnought gets in charge range
    and you only manage .500 on parked vans.

    SS: That's QUITE enough, Sister Margaret! Look, she's crying now. I hope
    you're proud of yourself!

    ___________________________________________________________________________ ________

    "I notice that you have a Predator in your army list. You _ARE_
    playing a force devoated to Khorne, right?"

    "Of course! I even put the spinning knives on the front of it even
    though it's probably never going to use them. Just because they were
    in character"

    "Yeah. Well. I just really don't see a Khorne force using a Predator."

    "Why the heck not? It's in the list--oh, whatever. Fine. I won't use
    it. Happy now?"



    "I notice that you have a multi-melta in this Veteran squad here."

    "Yeah? It's a short range vehicle killer. It'll be doing double duty
    since I no longer have a Predator. So?"

    "I suppose it's a great weapon for an army that likes to sit and

    "Sit and shoot within 24" of the enemy? You call that hanging back?
    You don't like that either?"

    "Well, if YOU want to use it, whatever. But I wouldn't use one in my
    Khorne force. I mean, if I had a Khorne force. They'd only want
    assult weapons"

    "Listen, whatever. Fine. I'll take it out. Happy now?"

    "Mmm. I really think that's more in character. You'd get more points
    in a tournament for composition now."

    "Whoop de sh--are we ready now?"


    "Now what?"

    "I see melta bombs on some of your characters."

    "And? Those are used in close combat!"

    "Well, I SUPPOSE they are. But you only get one attack with them. I
    really don't think a champion of Khorne would use any equipment that
    gave him fewer attacks."

    "My champion of Khorne feels lucky that he has a marine player
    standing around and giving him fashion advice. Before going any
    further, how many tanks and dreadnoughts do you have in your army?"

    "This isn't about my army."

    "Unh hunh."

    "All of my units are completely in character for my chapter."

    "Black Templars, right?"

    "You don't have to sneer when you say that. Listen, it's not my fault
    that your niche army has a hard time dealing with vehicles."

    "Right. My troops are so busy gibbering and drooling that bringing
    support along would never occur to them."

    "Hey, _I_ don't write the fluff."

    "Really? Given that you know so much what I should and shouldn't take
    in my army list I assumed that you did. Can I see your army list now?"

    "You don't need to get pissy, Geez. Here."

    "Oh, did I mention that I have some ideas about what the Black
    Templars would REALLY field? I mean, I don't play them myself, but I
    see some stuff in here that...well, you COULD use it, but...if you
    were playing a REAL Templars force..."

    "Shut up. It's in the army list!"


    Heres a song I found titled "Lord of the Space Wolves"

    Lord, Lord, Lord of the Space Wolves,
    Charge the enemy!
    Watch out for that tree! *SPLAT*

    Lord, Lord, Lord of the Space Wolves,
    Life is Codex-free!
    Watch out for that tree! *THUD*

    When he gets in a scrape,
    He'll make no escape,
    He'll whack with his friend,
    A new frostblade!

    Then away he'll fly
    When he jumps up high
    While Bjorn and Ulrik
    Wave bye-bye!

    Tooo... Lord, Lord, Lord of the Space Wolves
    Smites his foes with glee!
    Watch out for that tree!
    Watch out for that
    *BOOM* Ooh, treeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

    Lord, Lord, Lord of the Space Wolves
    Charge the enemy!


    Two guardsman are yomping off to war when one says to the other:

    "Hey sarge, this lasgun is heavy. I wish we had something lighter."

    The Sarge, being a grizzled veteran of many wars, let's the man in on a secret:

    "You could kill grots just by pointing your finger at them and shouting: ABANG ABANG ABANG! Because the grots know that when they hear that they are gonna die and so fall over dead to save themselves the bother."

    "You must be joking Sarge," - the soldier replies and thinks nothing more of it.

    War comes. The guardsman runs out of ammo.

    In desperation he points his finger and shapes it like a gun. Feeling rather stupid, he shouts ABANG ABANG ABANG! And to his surprise he sees whole squads of gretchin die.

    He proceeds to slaughter all of the gretchin horde with the exception of one grot that is charging straight towards him.

    He shouts ABANG ABANG ABANG! but nothing happens.

    Rather confused he shouts louder ABANG ABANG ABANG!

    The next thing the guardsman remembers is being smashed flat by some awesome force, every bone in his body is crushed.

    The last thing he remembers is a small high pitched grotty voice squeeling:


    ___________________________________________________________________________ _____

    The Orks are entrenched in fortifications on a battlefield when they hear some shouting from the enemy trenches:

    "One Space Marine is worth 10 Orks"

    The Orks can't let their 'good' name be slandered, so the Boss sends ten Orks to run to the enemy trench shouting: "'Ere we go".

    After a couple of minutes the Orks hear a voice shout:

    "One Space Marine is worth 50 Orks".

    So the Boss sends fifty Orks charging towards the enemy trenches. Ten minutes later a voice shouts:

    " One Space marine is worth 100 Orks".

    So one hundred Orks charge into the enemy trench on the Boss's orders. Fifteen minutes later a solitary Ork returns and reports to the Boss:

    "They cheated, Boss! There was two of 'um!".

    ___________________________________________________________________________ _______

    A squad of Sisters of Battle were all being inserted by drop ship.

    The male pilot comes on the radio and says: "We are just entering the system now and will be landing at base alpha zero zero in an hour."

    The pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and turns to his male co-pilot and asks:

    "So what are you going to do when we've landed?"

    The co-pilot replies:

    "Well first, I'm gonna have a huge dump. Three day anti-grav flights don't do my bladder any good. Then I'm gonna go see that new Lt. You know the one with the dark hair and huge breasts. Take her out, wine her, dine her. And then I'm gonna take her to my quarters...." and then proceeded to go into graphical detail of the nights animal-type loving.

    The new Lt., horrified at the detail spewing from the speakers about various uses for the butt of the co-pilots plas-pistol, runs down the aisle to switch off the intercom, trips over a Boltgun, and lands flat on her face.

    A new recruit sitting opposite turns and says:

    "Whoa! Calm down, Ma'am! He's got to have that s*** first!"

    In the unexciting present, there is only Warhammer 40k.

    Q: How many space marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: 100, one to screw it in and 99 to praise the Emperor.

    Q: How many Guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None, their lasguns work fine.

    Q: How many Wraithlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Just one, if you use THREE, we will all claim it is beardy.

    Q: How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: Three. One to screw it in, one to outlaw lightbulbs, and one to deny the existence of lightbulbs.

    Q: How many Tau does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: They don't screw them in. Their helmets are equipped with infra-red, heat and motion scanners along with camera linked to their drones which means they have to do no work at all themselves.

    Q: How many Squats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Oh, wait. GW doesn't support them any more.

    Q: How many Forgeworld light bulbs does it take to light a room?
    A: Just one, but it is a deluxe halogen bulb at 250 watts and costs $87.

    Failed Space Marine legion-names:

    Bright Angels
    Emperor's Grandchildren
    Rabid Wolves
    Blood Donators
    Iron Feet
    World Munchers
    Mental Legion
    Life Guard
    999 Sons
    Microsoft Word Bearers
    Beta Legion
    Angels of Imperialism
    Black Muslims
    Heavy Metal Warriors
    Black Monks
    Water Rats
    Insect Legion
    White Warriors
    Black Panthers
    Storm Midgets
    Nice Weather Lords

    101 Uses for a Lasgun

    Warming soup.
    When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ.
    Disco effects/pyrotechnics.
    Cigarette lighter.
    Changing T.V. channels.
    Selling to get funds for a better weapon.
    Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage)
    Using for grave marking for IG troops.
    Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage)
    Skeet shooting.
    A cooking utensil.
    Looking slightly menacing.
    Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight.
    Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly
    Burning ants

    Things you will NEVER see in the 40k universe:

    Space Marine Girl Scouts
    Sisters of battle Fire Engine
    Sane World Eaters
    A Space Marine carrying a dead gretchin as a battle-trophy
    A gretchin carrying a battle-trophy
    A Vegetarian Blood Angel
    An Eldar way-stone at the Lost & Found
    A crying Space Marine (oops! sorry, Lamenters
    A Night Lord sunbathing
    A plague marine polishing his armour
    A Tau giving a high-five
    A retreating Death Company Space Marine (if you DO see this, you're probably doomed)
    A Khorne Berzerker leaving a skull behind
    The Golden Throne caretakers on strike
    An assassin, before it's too late...
    A remote controlled Necron
    A meeting at the BDA (Blood Drinkers Anonymous, Blood Angels only)
    Games Workshop charging what models are ACTUALLY worth

    What the Emperor's thinking:

    "39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the Wall, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears, take one down, pass them around, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the wall. 39,001 bottles. . ."

    "You know, I've had this itch for 3,435 years, right at the base of my neck. . ."

    "Why can't they hook up a Playstation 40,000 in here?"

    "Damn, my foot's asleep again."

    "You know, when I said sacrifice 1000 souls to me daily, they must have misunderstood. I actually meant sacrifice 1000 COALS. It's so cold in this huge throne room..."

    ___________________________________________________________________________ __

    Best Uses for 40k Races:

    Eldar - Road Cones.
    Tau - That robot butler you always wanted in your room.
    Imperial Guard - Not useful at all.
    Space Marine - Personel Protection (just say you are the emperor's cousin).
    Chaos Space Marine -That bully you never liked. I think you know where I am going.
    Sisters of Battle - Are you thinking what I am thinking?
    Dark Eldar - All those goth people that like pain.
    Orks - Maybe grots will do anything for a cookie.
    Necrons - I really can't think of anything unless you have a large terminator collection.
    Tyranids - Turn this bug loose in the resturant you don't like.
    Demonhunters - That semi-freaky phsycic kid at school most likely named Dean.
    A billion chinese can't be wrong - eat rice.

  7. #6
    Senior Member Broadside_Pilot's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xuy
    Sisters of Battle - Are you thinking what I am thinking?
    'It's true! The rumors! The armor doesn't come off!'
    Burn the land and boil the sea. You can't take the sky from me.

    Member of the Canadian Clan, eh.
    Mech Tau Cadre: 2000 points, needs paint and magnets.
    Paladins of Avalon (SW):-1500 points, needs paint.

  8. #7

    :lol: lmfao some of those actually had me laughing out loud. good stuff Xuy! ^_^

    anyone have any more to share?

  9. #8
    Member ozzfan's Avatar
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    great jokes, especially the first ones.

    Eldrad: Oh well, at least we're better off than the Necrons.

    "Too right" says a passing Necron Lord.


    And for some reason I see the Necron Lord smoking a pipe...
    Life is too serious to be taken seriously

  10. #9
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    I love 'em. My favorite 40k joke of all time, though, has to be the Space Marine Commandments. Here are a bunch of the best ones:

    1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter *****es," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
    2. Orks are not "cute."
    4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
    5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
    6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
    8. Thou shalt not dare others to eat Squigs.
    9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
    10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (in a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
    13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag."
    15. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
    16. Thou shalt not throw soap at nurglings.
    17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
    18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
    19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino.
    20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino.
    22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".
    26. Thou shalt not spread cooking oil in front of a dreadnaught.
    27. Thou shalt not attempt to shake the chaplain’s hand whilst wearing a powerfist.
    28. Putting sand inside the terminators’ armour is not “funny�.
    35. Thou shalt not let an Ork be the designated driver
    36. Thou shalt not replace the holy ungents for the machine spirit with grain alcohol
    45. Thou shalt not throw a warp beast a dog biscuit.
    50. Thou shalt not wear oven mitts when issued a plasma gun.
    51. Thou shalt not take the rhino to procure monkish ale before filling out His Most Holy acquisitions forms.
    53. Thou shalt not refer to the flamer as a “novelty toaster�
    54. Thou shalt not ask the apothecary to guess what you have eaten by looking at your tongue.
    55. Thou shalt not remove the motors from a terminators' suit during battle.
    57. Thou shalt not break wind in the presence of the emperor (unless properly addressed to do so)
    62. Thou shalt not instigate a "my Primarch could beat up your primarch" debate.
    65. No hair pulling when enjoying brotherly contests with the space wolves.
    67. Thou shalt not punt grots for pleasure.
    68. Thou shalt not shout “thongs for the thong god" in front of the Dark Eldar lest thou wishes to learn the true meaning of pain.
    69. Thou shalt not debate the protective merits of purple spandex with the Dark Eldar.
    71. Power armour never makes a sister look fat.
    77. Thou shalt not ask roughriders if you can pet their ponies.
    80. Thou shalt not in any way, shape, or form, take the land speeder joy riding.
    81. Remember, shining lasguns in the guards’ eyes is WRONG.
    82. Thou shalt not pretend to have been possessed by a daemon.
    84. Yes, it will be noticed if you 'borrow' the chapter master's equipment.
    86. It is not "cool" to feed snotlings copious amounts of narcotics.
    87. It is not “funny� to dress up as a bloodletter and jump out in front of the chapter master.
    90. Playing naughty movies in your power armour’s autosenses is not sanctioned by the Adeptus Astartes.
    91. Thou shalt not teleport into the Sisters showering facilities.
    93. Thou shalt not commandeer droppods to go for pizza.
    97. Thou shalt not follow a Librarian around thinking "Can you hear me now".
    105. Thou shalt not do doughnuts in a rhino, unless thou wishest to clean the passenger's vomit from the floor.
    108. Tyranids are not "cute".
    109. Thou shalt not use lasguns as laser sights for thy bolters.
    118. Thou shalt not ask a space wolf if he wants a biscuit.
    119. Thou shalt not eat another marine’s paste.
    120. Thou shalt not trip a dark angel in front of a interrogator-chaplain.
    121. Thou shalt not trip an interrogator-chaplain.
    123. Scouts are not 'target practice'.
    124. Thou shalt not replace the Chapter Master's weapon with a plastic sword.
    125. It is not funny to put an 'Eat me' sign on the Librarian's back prior to a Tyranid attack.
    132. Thou shalt not eat prunes before a battle
    148. Thou shalt not tuant the Imperial Guard with threats of utilizing a lascannon upon their posteriors in an unnatural fashion.
    149. Thou shalt NEVER, under any circumstances, interrupt a navigator's concentration during warp travel to ask him if you "are there yet."
    153. Thou shalt not use the chapter standard to dry thy undergarments upon
    154. If a Tyranid does not respond to external stimuli, thou shalt not attempt to poke it with a stick.
    169. Enforcing discipline is not sending the neophytes to procur strong monkish ale.
    195. Thou shalt not distract our Librarian whilst he attempts to cast Smite lest thou be forced to clean the inside of his helmet.
    207. Raid is compleatly usless against a carnifex.
    215. Thou shalt not mention the phrase "bath time" in front of the space wolves.
    225. Thou shalt not fry ants with the meltagun.
    230. Thou shalt not blame the chapel heating for falling asleep during prayer.
    237. Thou shalt not procur noisemarine weapons for thine garage band.
    247. Thou shalt not attempt to procur "the good stuff" from thine apothecary.
    258. Thou shalt not use thy techpriest's tools to unblock thine holy toilet.
    271. Thou shalt not refer to Magneus Calgar as 'Papa Smurf'
    287. Thou shalt not make comparisons between Night Haunter and Batman.

    And another one I've seen but isn't listed:

    Thou shalt not release spiders in the sarcophagus of the Drednought.

    An almost complete list :
    Quote for probably forever 'cause it rocks:

    "Slaughter them, men, and bring me their hats."

  11. #10
    Senior Member dcawrest202's Avatar
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    10 (x1)

    ya i saw these on Grim Stalker's IG.
    Creator and Head Patriot of USA Clan
    Head of Rap in the LO Music Clan
    "What can I say, I'm a repoholic. Just can't get enough of that repohol."
    I want everyone to remeber why they need us!

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