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Thread: New 40k Jokes

  1. #1
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    These are all off Grim Stalkers Imperial Guard, but he's a good guy and I don't think he'll mind:

    An Ork, Space Marine and Eldar are walking down the road. They see a Chaos portal that has a sign on it. It says: 'say what is true or be sucked in'. The Space Marine says: "I think I'm the bravest" and walks past safely, the Eldar says: "I think I'm the most agile" and walks past safely. The Ork says: "I thinks..." and gets sucked into the portal.
    - Marc Harris

    UNIVERSAL PHILOSIPHY*



    ELDAR: ***** happens
    DARK ELDAR: We ran off before the ***** happened
    IMPERIAL GUARD: ***** happens with big guns
    SPACE MARINES: The Emperor will save us from deep *****
    ULTRAMARINES: Roboute saved the emperor from *****
    BLOOD ANGELS: DIE YOU *****-HEADS!!!
    DARK ANGELS: We caused ***** and have yet to be
    forgiven
    CHAOS SPACE MARINES: The Emperor is *****
    WORLD EATERS: We'll collect skulls so that *****
    doesn't happen to us.
    NECRONS: We're gonna cause so much ***** to happen that
    ***** will never happen again
    TAU: ***** will happen to everyone but us
    ORKS: What is *****?
    TYRANIDS: This galaxy is our new piece of *****
    SISTERS OF BATTLE: Male supremacy is a load of *****

    - Jan DeWit


    Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:
    "We're outta ammo?"
    "CHARGE!!!"
    "Khorne Beserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"
    "You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"
    "Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"
    "Welcome to the Cata- PRIVATE!!!! THERE'S A WRINKLE IN YOUR BANDANA!!!! IRON IT OUT, THEN GIVE ME 500 LAPS AROUND THE BASE!!"
    "Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."
    "Hey, a grenade without a pin!"
    "You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"
    "You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"
    "Fix bayonets!"
    "Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"
    "We missed our shooting phase?"
    "Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside."
    Colonel: "We're gonna die! We should all flee!"
    Commissar: "Just this once, I agree with you!"
    "Extermina-what?"
    "Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"
    "Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"
    "Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"
    "Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates..."
    "Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"
    "I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"
    "See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a club, and it still...uh oh."
    "Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"

    Space Marine Commandments:
    1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
    2. Orks are not "cute."
    3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
    4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
    5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
    6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
    7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
    8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
    9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
    10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (in a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
    11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
    12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
    13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag."
    14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
    15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
    16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings.
    17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
    18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
    19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino.
    20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino.
    21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
    22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".



    This is just a tiny sampliing go to:

    Grim Stalkers Imperial Guard

    <img src='http://www.imageshack.us/files/DI-IG.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image' />

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  3. #2
    Senior Member Vindicare's Avatar
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    omg, that was so damn funny. I loved the last section the most

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    BLOOD ANGELS: DIE YOU *****-HEADS&#33;&#33;&#33;
    Amen. Makes me proud to be a BA. We are a rorty bunch, aren&#39;t we?

  5. #4
    Senior Member Vindicare's Avatar
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    another commandment you could add is:

    Your close combat rock is not master crafted, nor is it a lightning rock.

  6. #5
    Senior Member Arch Magos Tolanus's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Sergei Mikhailavich Gorbachev@Nov 27 2003, 03:43
    "Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"
    That is my favourite one&#33; Funny as hell&#33;
    <img src='http://img53.photobucket.com/albums/v163/Tolanus/Tolanus.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image' />

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