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I have an advice column called "Ask Da Orcs" (It is like "Dear Abby", but... er... with Orcs.)
A short time ago I got an email from a 16 year old kid who thinks he might be gay. He seems rather upset about it and I want him to get some good advice for a change. I'm at a loss as to what to say to this poor kid. Here is the email he wrote:
"Dear Orcs, I'm a 16 year old human male and I'm scared. I am scared because I'm afraid that I might be gay. I like some of my friends who are boys and that bothers me a LOT. I WANT to like girls. But I have feelings for some of my friends who are boys and not for any of my friends that are girls. (Like that deep feeling in our stomach kind of feeling.) I find myself being sad a lot... Not just because I'm scared that I like boys, but also that I can't be with any of them. I'm sure it sounds weird but I'm scared and it makes me cry. I don't know what to do about these feelings. I don't wanna sound wimpy, because I'm not, but this is the only thing that's ever made me this upset. There is one friend in particular that I like and I don't know if I should talk to him or get to know him better because I've only known him a short while. Should I tell him how I feel? If so, how? Thank you and sorry if I was rambling."
Can anyone here think of some good advice the "Ask Da Orcs" panel could give to this kid? The 6 Orcs on the A.D.O. panel are a diverse group, so any material will "fit" one or more of the characters. I'd be particularly interested in anyone with advice that might be helpful to this guy, but I'd also like to hear any funny, gross, intellectual or silly responses you might have too. (As I said, it is a diverse panel of Orcs.)
I don't want to look like I'm spamming, so I'm not provideing a link to my website. However, if you MUST read it - you can find it by Googleing "Ask Da Orks".
Hmm well I know a girl who has had the same thing happen to her. What basically happened was she ran way from home to tell the girl, which ruined her relationship with her parents. And it ruined her relationship with her friends parents. Now they cant be together and they both like eachother. It is really sad actually.
So if you are going to tell them, just beware if they dont feel the same way. It might ruin your friendship. He should probably talk to his friend causually about how he feels about gay people and when he feels comfortable then he could share his feelings.
I appologize if i was using different tenses and subjects. It is difficult to type adivce to someone without typeing it to them.
Firstly, you should reassure him that there is nothing wrong with how he feels. He may come from a part of the world/country where that type of behaviour is considered wrong...but its not. The hard part will be accepting himself. It will mean accepting a lifestyle that his current friends/family may be uncomfortable with. It's sad that some of these friends may not want to be friends anymore, but then these aren't people who can accept him for who he is so there not really freinds anyway.
A big danger comes with the isolation/seperation he feels; some is real and some is imagined. His feelings are different from "mainstream heterosexuality," but people are more accepting than you think! If he gets stuck feeling as though he can't tell anyone it will become something he is ashamed of and thats not healthy. It also may make him more succeptable to falling in with other homosexuals who do not have his best interests in mind and are manipulative. There are gay players, too.
My advice is to sit down with his most understanding friend and have a heart to heart. He needs a confidant. When he is comfortable with his feelings (read: not ashamed or scared) then he can be more open. He needs to understand that some people will never understand and never accept his decisions. He needs to be brave and to make the choices that are true to his heart.
Also, he needs to understand that alot of young men get these feelings. Most push them away out of fear or shame. Some experiment with homosexuality and discover that they are not gay. Others do. It's a learning thing and it's natural.
Lastly, if he feels that he is gay, or if he finds that he is not, he should at least find some measure of happiness in it. He is learning who he truely is and that is the secret to being happy.
Hope this helps.
*crying* To be honest I really do not know why I am sad, I really am a homophobe. But I guess this guys situation has turned out to be a very sad one that reminds myself of me who has a couple of chick friends who I have feelings for also. Well, I got to say is that your in one hell of a pickle kid. I think that he should not be talking to us but he should be talking to a person whos job it is to listen to peoples problems and has a PHD to prove it.
I don't think this is entirely helpful. While speaking to a mental health professional may be advantageous in some cases ( like if the parents freak out - but then the Doc is there for the parent's help, not the guy's) overall I think it is unneccessary.Originally Posted by LordVelhelmVonMarrius
Being gay isn't a mental problem.
I think alot of people don't really understand that this is a very difficult time for this young man. It doesn't mean he needs a doctor per se, but it does mean people need to address him with understanding and caring. The worst things that could happen would be for him to feel unwanted as a person, or as if he was broken. There are situations, I think, where a doctor is in order. If he "came out" but still found himself unhappy and couldn't understand why, then seeing a doctor would be a good idea. I don't think his first move should be mental health, though.
I'm not trying to bust your chops LordVelhelmVonMarrius, I just feel a great deal of empathy for this guy and I hate to see people in his situation.
My apologies if I offend.
Sorry dude but i aint just a kid that plays tabletop wargames. I actually have had only one battle this entire year, and have painted and modeled even less.
But yeah this is what i would suggest to him.
he should see how his friend feels about homosexuality. (it could keep him from ruining his friendship with his friends)
Then he could talk to his friend about it when HE feels comfortable with it.
and no offence but u are the only kid that has posted here.
No worries, mate. I'm looking at this as potential advice suncrafter will pass on so I wanted to point out my concerns.Originally Posted by LordVelhelmVonMarrius
I do agree that a gaming/craft board is a strange place to seek help, but he probably sees us as kindered souls, so to speak.
I think it would be good to talk to someone who is not going to feel like telling is but a try to get a date. It could easily be misunderstood I think. I can imagine there is, due to the heldback emotions, quite a relief when it's finally spoken aloud. This relief could come as tears. Crying people should be hugged and comforted.
If a male person has even the slightest homophobia, this could be a very tricky situation. The atmosphere could be rather tensed.
Tell it to a girl first.
A girl who loves and cares for you but not in that way.
Once there is someone sharing this secret, and who still loves you without "frearing" to be the ONE, I think it'll be much easier. Not easy, but as long as one is not the only one carrying what one sees as a big, dark secret it's at least not all hell.
I even think talking to a bunch of Orks makes it easier.
EDIT: I've been to your site, it's a great place. Now I know where to turnin times of trouble.