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Abstract: Ork Culture and the Development of Sycretistic Probiotic Relational Interactions Between Differing Phrenological Subtypes of the Orkish Genome
by Dr. Imafu Lofsh i'it
An unprescedented discover in the lower reaches of the Hive, commonly refered to as the "Underhive" by the denizens thereof, has shed an incredible new light on Orkish behaviors and cultures. Previously viewed as brutal and barbaric by most scientists, the stunning revelations revealed by the chance recovery of an archeotech recording device, has shown that Orks have a detailed and nuanced relationship with each other.
Evidence: Transcription of audio recording. Voices matched with names, as discovered through recording.
Compinsatin': Look! Shiny!!
*unknown roar* *crashing sounds* *several fleshy thumps*
Boomstick: My Shiny!
Compinsatin': Give back! Mine!
Boomstick: Ha! Compinsatin' no tuff like me!
*yell* *roar* *scream*
Warlord: Stop! All! Boomstick, you stinkz fighting! Bad shooty! Bad fighty in town!
Boomstick: Not my fault! YOU say not shoot when in uman town! Other gang only two people! Why wait make booms? Walk, walk, close, close, No shoot! Stupid! Stupid Warlord!
*roar* *clang of something* *thump* two seconds of silence
Warlord: ... 'cuz we need food and umans no like Teef! If alayz shooty, den umans no trade food! Crumpin'! You try shoot first but too slow!!
Crumpin': Not my fault! Bad uman boom boom! Name stupid - Stubgun! Too puny for mighty ork use fast but I still hit flamer person!
Warlord: But not til AFTER he burn Compinsatin'! Stupid *smack* Stupid Crumpin'! Boomstick barely dodge getting burned! Stupid Crump! *loud smack* Compinsatin' skin is all crispy tender! Not tough any more!
Crumpin': Me fix! I learn how to fix orkz now! Me good Medic!
Warlord: Grrmph. We see. Jus don try Medic me!
Boomstick: Look me! I run and kill flamer uman! No get back up then!
Warlord: Bagh! Kill helpless uman female! Grotz can do that!
Crumpin': What "female"?
Warlord: You see some uman have big bumps under ugly heads? Doze is female. Seem stupidz to has bumps. Dunno why. Maybe extra muscle.
Crumpin': The uman who knocked you out had big bumps! Look like jugs!
Warlord: Hmph. Bumps is muscle. That why she good fighter! Female uman with big jugs make good ork if not ugly!
Boomstick: Ha! You not so tough Warleader! Little uman beat you!
*roars* *fighting sounds* *screaming*
Warlord: Me toughest Ork! Me War Lord! Raaaaaghhhh! *thump* Me fight for 5 rounds with uman! You and Crumpin' only fight one round before uman cutz youz half of head offz! Ha! Now you two no hear good! Me toughest Ork! Not you!
Compinsatin': Warlord, what is "rounds" you say?
Warlord: Dunno. Just sound right.
At that moment, there are some snuffling sounds and the recorder went silent. It was found in a pile of Ork stool, and it is assumed that one of the orks ate it at that point.
While the many sounds and apparent violence caught by the recording device might seem to indicate a propensity toward violence, I have come to the conclusion that this is not the case. Much like humans have developed refined cultural displays to indicate who is the more dominant, so have orks developed a precise method of determining this. Instead of using visual cues like humans, orks use audible cues. The roars are not intended with any violence toward another party, and I have been convinced that orks are an extremely peaceful species which has been misunderstood because of its vocal displays of dominance. Many of the hitting and thumping sounds are the sounds of the orks hitting themselves to augment their vocal sounds, and are most definitely NOT the sounds of them hitting each other.
The full paper has complete details of my study thus far.
It is very unfortunate that this peaceful and harmless group of orks was set upon by two vicious gangsters as evidenced by their recording. It is suggested in this paper that the orks be provided with much food and protection from those who seem to take advantage of the gentle nature of the orkish race.
To further research this topic, I am leading a study downhive to search out the orks while a great number of my students have volunteered to find the gang females. I have low expectations as the only description seems to be of her large mammary glands. I am confident that even though I have chosen to find the orks, by far the safer of the two expeditions, that the fact that all of the volunteers for the other expedition seem to be young males will provide sufficient protection from the dangers of the downhive.
Downhive Tattle, Junu 8th, 45133
We've got some juicy news for everyone! It seems the uphive piece of snot "scientist" went out looking for the ork gang we've been hearing about. It looks like he found them! The remains of a Dr. Imafu Lofsh i'it were found in what he seemed to be so fond of - "ork stool". When he came here three weeks ago, he became famous paying good cred for all the "ork stool" that was brought to him.
Just yesterday a member of The Horde gang, "Hot Hands" Henrietta, found his mostly eaten remains. She gained notoriety some months back by being one of the two who had the famous run-in with the orc gang. Perhaps better known is her partner, then juve but now full ganger, "Three on One" Jane.
Of course, she first got that name based on her epic Gunfight with the orks, but has since well earned the name in other ways. If anything, based on the still-ongoing happenings with the entourage of boys the Dr. brought with him, she should probably be named "Twenty-three on one" Jane!
---------- Post added at 17:47 ---------- Previous post was at 17:19 ----------
Explanation of story above:
This was a Gunfight scenario.
The Orks rolled 4 players
Warlord (leader with Autopistol, Autogun, Axe)
"Compinsatin" Radislov (heavy with Heavy Stubber)
"Boomstick" Gregor (Nob/Ganger with Shotgun, Axe)
"Crumpin" Jaroslav (Nob, Stubgun, Massive Club)
The Escher Gang, Horde, rolled 2
"Hot Hands" Henrietta (Heavy, Flamer, Shotgun, Sword)
"Three On One" Jane (Juve, Autopistol, Sword, Combat Master)
The orks (true to their nature) opened fire first, but were too slow and both girls shot first. Jane pinned Boomstick (he immediately got back up) and Henrietta fried "Compinsatin" (who later went OOA) but missed "Boomstick". In return, "Crumpin" shot and wounded Henrietta and Warlord missed Jane. Warlord and "Crumpin" charged Jane. "Boomstick" first went over to make sure "Hot Hands" stayed down before charging Jane too.
A combination of lucky rolling and the sword's Parry ability had Jane beat all 3 orks in combat. Warlord and she tied a bunch of times, he rolled 1s both times he did manage to get attacks in on her, and she whiffed her attacks on him a couple times, thanks to his 4 Toughness. But as "Crumpin" and "Boomstick" attacked, she immediately hit and wounded them where they crawled away to soon go OOA. She finally took down Warlord too. Wow!
"Compinsatin" who got fried at the beginning, got a -1 Toughness. "Boomstick" and "Crumpin" both got hearing loss in one ear. "Crumpin" advanced a level from wounding "Hot Hands" Henrietta and gained the Medic skill. Warlord recovered fully.
Jane made out like a bandit. She had 6 exp at the beginning and had gained the "Combat Master" skill which really helped out in this fight. She gained 31 experience all together this game and became a full-fledged ganger with +2 Initiative, +1 Strength, and +1 Weapon Skill.