Army Fluff Part #2! - Warhammer 40K Fantasy

Welcome to Librarium Online!

Join our community of 80,000+ members and take part in the number one resource for Warhammer and Warhammer 40K discussion!

Registering gives you full access to take part in discussions, upload pictures, contact other members and search everything!


Register Now!

User Tag List

+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 5 of 5
  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Posts
    70
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Reputation
    2 (x1)

    Army Fluff Part #2!

    Since i got such great feed back onto part 2!

    Garath and his band, Minus the wounded Chosl, Slowly made its way to the pirates ship, From there they saw that other warbands had gathers and looked to claim the pirates treasure for themselves. Garath grimly smiled as he saw the Dwarfs that sent his band fleeing last time, They were creeping up to there left, Orcs to the right, And what he believe to be the dreaded Shadow Warriors took residence in a abandoned tower.


    Across the river Garath saw more mercenaries, a band of frenzied Goblins, and even some of the shambling Undead minions, All which were slowly trudging towards the anchored ship. Opening his mouth sharply, Garath smiled, As he opened his mouth sharply and let out a high-pitched whistle, and out from the shadows came a lone Elven Ranger accompanied by a bold Bounty Hunter.

    Garath motions for “Dead Eye” and “Buck-Shot” to gain higher ground, Not to be out done the Elven Ranger made more haste and reached the top of the hill before either of the Marksmen. Once the Elf got to the top he noticed the Pirate walking around the deck, With one fluid motion he drew his fine-crafted Elven long bow and unleashed a soaring arrow right into the shoulder of one unfortunate pirate, Whose proceeded to do a back flip and landed hard onto the deck, The pirate was not out but wouldn’t be getting up to quickly. The other Pirates seeing it hurried to load up the rest of there loot, Garath moved his men into position for the anticipated attack. With that Uglar grinned stupidly as he lumbered up to the house’s in front of the war band, The swivel gun turned and took a long shot at the Ogre, Fortune smiled at Uglar that bad as the shot went wide, The ogre dropped his club and made the rudest gesture possible at the guns crew. The rest of the war band moved behind the house except for the archers on the hill. With that some Pirates on the look out nest took some pot shots at the hiding war band, All the shots went very wide and to the relief of Garath the dwarf War band was getting close to the ship and all the guns promptly focused onto the advancing dwarfs.

    The dwarfs took heavy losses from the first volley but kept on trudging to the ship. Once Beardling took up a resounding battle cry and charged headlong into a pirate trying to load up a crate. With one fell swipe the pirate was about one head shorter and dropped to the ground rather quickly. Uglar seeing the Dwarfs success quickly charged and not to be out done but the short Dwarfs, Uglar charged letting a battle cry that would shatter the spirits of most men, His great club connected with the Pirate and sent the unfortunate lad slamming into the ship splattering his against it. Uglar grinned stupidly as he eyed the dwarfs closing in on him. The Pirates were now scrambling to get the ship’s anchor out of the water, not wanting a angry Ogre onboard the Captain took some men to defend the gangplank. That didn’t stop Uglar who promptly charged head long into the mass of crew and anyone who was unfortunate enough to get in his way. Garath and the rest of his men started to scale the sides of the ship while Uglar was distracting the main crew, Once they boarded the ship Garath saw something he never expected, The pirates were fighting a pair of witch hunter and were winning quite remarkably. With a pistol shot the pirates dumped the last witch hunter overboard and charged the men who just boarded there ship behind them.

    Sir Rexar and Sir Thorin charged in swords working in harmony as they recited there Vows of Knight hood, The pirates scrummed quickly to the two master swordsmen. With that Garath turned his attention to the Swivel Gun crew as it took another shot at some poor Mercenary trying to scale the walls by the crew. With that two crossbow bolts and one fine crafted elven arrow took the three crewmen directly in the chest and toppled them into the icy waters. Uglar’s mighty charge started to falter as he split the skull of two crewmen and the captain lay dazed on the deck in front of Garath, Garath charged, His great sword worked with a inner fire as no one could seem to stop the enraged Captain, As soon as the deck was clear He saw that the battle wasn’t over quiet yet. Both his Crossbowmen and Elven ranger were running faster then he ever believed possible , For good reason also! As they were being chased by the remnants of a Orc war band. All of a sudden a figure in a trim-lined vest came over the rail by the Swivel gun as stopped dead as all of the War bands weapons came unsheathed and were pointing at his chest.


    What will hapan next week? Tune in for more wacky adventures with Garath and his band of misfits!

    Last edited by Radeonis; April 14th, 2006 at 12:25.

  2. Remove Advertisements
    Librarium-Online.com
    Advertisements

  3. #2
    Son of LO Pierced53's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Hertfordshire, UK
    Posts
    2,051
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    ReputationReputationReputationReputationReputationReputationReputation
    222 (x7)

    Very nice yet again, Radeonis!
    I'm not sure I enjoyed it as much as the first though.

    Just a few tips. It'd be a lot easier to read if you split it into smaller paragraphs, and some of the sentence structure is a little off at times, too. And at points you repeated phrases which could've been swapped for others, for example you used "not to be out done" more than once. You used the word "dreaded" three times to describe things in the first paragraph. Repetition is good, but can get boring, so use variation when describing. I am not criticising, just trying to help you improve.

    Now, hoping that you don't mind, I've re-written the first paragraph, in a style that I would. I am in no way saying you should, nor am I trying to steal your work, I am just 'suggesting' how it could be written, just trying to help you .

    ---------

    Garath and his band, minus the wounded Chosl, slowly made their way to the pirates' ship. From there they could see that other warbands had gathered and looked to claim the pirates' treasure for themselves. Smiling grimly, Garath set eyes on the Dwarfs that sent his band fleeing last time. The short creatures were creeping up to their left, with Orcs also approaching on the right. Garath was also pretty sure he could see what he believed to be the dreaded Shadow Warriors. These mysterious fighters took residence in an abandoned tower.

    Across the river he saw more mercenaries, a band of pale skinned Goblins, and even some of the feared Undead minions, all of which were shambling towards the anchored ship. Garath smiled, for he had a little surprise for the unsuspecting Warbands. Opening his mouth sharply, he let out a high-pitched whistle, and out from the shadows came a lone Elven Ranger accompanied by a bold Bounty Hunter.
    Last edited by Pierced53; April 14th, 2006 at 11:25.

  4. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Posts
    70
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Reputation
    2 (x1)

    Ive made some SMALL edits hopfully to make it more enjoyable to read!

    Im always open to help! I tried to find good break points for a new paragrapgh, But i was getting no where quickly with it...This last part was kinda rushed, the first one it took about 2 hours to do...But I kinda have the habit of slacking and getting distracted while im writing....But for my next peice Ill make sure to break it up for and use those tips you wrote! Thanks again!
    Last edited by Radeonis; April 14th, 2006 at 12:22.

  5. #4
    Son of LO Pierced53's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Hertfordshire, UK
    Posts
    2,051
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    ReputationReputationReputationReputationReputationReputationReputation
    222 (x7)

    I hope to see a part 3!

    And glad to help.

  6. #5
    Junior Member Edimadra's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Kelowna
    Age
    28
    Posts
    16
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Reputation
    1 (x1)

    The dwarfs took heavy losses from the first volley
    omg.,... i can remember that all too well... nicely done rad... i like it
    YOU say you smell something beardy… I say I smell some something shavey… stupid elf…

    Canadian:ninja: the way of the sneekie eh?

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts