Of Plagues and Forests

[Lyzaru]

I decided to write one for the contest to go with one of the characters I made.

The characters used are as follows, sorry for the long post.
http://www.librarium-online.com/foru...th-winter.html (Vahlyn, The Wrath of Winter)
http://www.librarium-online.com/foru...ml#post1911690 (Ragnhild the Ancient)

Final Draft posted later in the thread.

[Captain Corrigan]

Well the first thing I have to say is that overall, I like the idea and that the part of Ragnhild is very well done (I can't help but read his lines as a combination of treebeard and yoda). There are a few things i would say though. First of all is the same thing that's true for everyone: a need for a little more proof reading. We're all guilty of it but you'll want to sort it out before final entry.

Second is the way in which its written as a script. This works well from the perspective of creating a series of events, but I fear you might disadvantage yourself as voters won't get to see your piece at its best because they won't see it performed.

Finally, I'm not entirely sure of the superhero-esque entrance of Vahlyn - it just feels too sudden for me, like a comic superhero "oh no, don't worry I'll save you" moment, which doesn't do the rest of the story justice.

I hope you don't mind my comments, it doesn't mean I don't like it.

Good luck!

-Corrigan

[Lyzaru]

I figure it will need proof-reading, but I suck if I try to do it shortly after having written it, so need to wait a day or so.

I have been trying my hand at writing a screenplay so that probably is to blame for how it is written.

As for the entrance I agree, although at first it was my idea to have it be that way, after my second read through I am not entirely pleased with it. I just don't have thoughts of how to change the entrance, any suggestions? I was also more worried about doing Ragnhild justice than my own character.

[Captain Corrigan]

As for the entrance I agree, although at first it was my idea to have it be that way, after my second read through I am not entirely pleased with it. Just don't have thoughts of how to change it, any suggestions? I was also more worried about doing Ragnhild justice than my own character.

Hmmm, I'll give it a think through tomorrow when I'm less tired. My only idea at the moment is to have Vahlyn enter at the head of several glade guard, rather than speaking and issuing a challenge loosing an arrow that fells one of the Daemon's minions and distracts its attention from Ragnhild and starting a skirmish. It's not much of an idea I'm afraid, and might take a lot of work to avoid it giving off the Legolas "fire a shot past the bo'sun's ear" stigma, but its all that strikes ne for now.

-Corrigan

[Lyzaru]

The idea was that the elves are with him but, in true elf fashion, they are set up to snipe from the shadows. That was why I reveled them at the end. Also was trying to avoid massive fight or skirmish as I don't have enough words to do one justice.

Also thanks for using my other character in your story so I don't have to write one for him.

[Blackheart]

I like it. It seems like everyone is really embracing different ideas with their stories, well done. Proof reading is something we all need to do but that's why we have rough drafts.

[Captain Corrigan]

Also thanks for using my other character in your story so I don't have to write one for him.

Haha that's ok mate, you gave me a free reign with the character so how was I meant to resist that?

On Vahlyn's entrance, perhaps you could have a brief confrontation between Ragnhild and Neigal, with Ragnhild holding the daemon in place as long as he can with magic to create a standoff where they exchange taunts and the atmospheric conditions could cool to give way to snowfall as Vahlyn approaches and Ragnhild could notice this and comment something like "the children of the forest approach, daemon. Leave my domain or meet your end." Now I haven'r written that very well, but by writing a short bit like that you can have Vahlyn enter just as Ragnhild's defences fail, interposing his blade to protect Rahnhild as the daemon seeks to destroy him. This would make the scene less wooden I believe.

-Corrigan

[Lyzaru]

Draft two, hope you enjoy. As always advice and feedback are appreciated.

Decided to leave it in sceenplay style as I simply prefer it that way.

May still need more proof reading but tried to clean it up before i got to sleepy.

Of Plagues, and Forests

It is a chilly fall morning, the leaves are passing from sunny orange to mud brown. A light fog weaves amongst the trees as it washes into the clearing surrounding the enchanted spring. Dozens of dryads are gathering around a massive tree, rooted at the edge of the spring.

Branchwraith Clari “Rose Walker”: Father, those of dark metal descend from the north. Mother’s petals will sicken if they press forth.

The massive tree seems to awaken, releasing a deep long bellow.

Ragnhild the Ancient: Yes, their presence I sense my child. Desire this realm do they, but why, I know not.

Branchwraith Mae’thirus “Slayer of Armor Kin”: We must attack them father!

Ragnhild: Must we child? …

The forest moans, and creeks as if to whisper.

Ragnhild: … In agreement we are. For them we must not wait, soon we sleep as winter creeps. Mae’thirus, your sisters you take, while Clari remains. For slow I am, and sleep I must.

Two weeks past, it is but mid-day yet the lights warmth fades as first flakes fall. Clari and a handful of her sisters gather.

Clari: Father, please waken, for seasons flow with our sisters taken before first snow. We feel the decay, and fear what may.

The sound of cold metal can be heard in the distance as the forest begins to creek, and cry. The dryads turn to face the sounds.

Clari: Worry not father, this place we will keep before we sleep.

Clari and her sisters dash off into the tree line in the direction of the heavy earth.

… Moments pass, until screams pierce the silence.
A massive figure emerges from the tree line. His daemon face is crowned in horns, yet his flesh reeks of decay, and is covered in rot. He is the bearer of armor plates as black as night, and a hammer as wide as a dwarf. Like him they look like death but they remain men. He motions for his men to hold at the treeline, and they obey without hesitation.

Daemon Prince: Come guardian, I know you slumber here, awaken so I may kill you, and spread my lord’s blight throughout your lands.

As he steps forward a massive pair of dragon wings stretch forth from his back. He leaps up, crushing the air with each flap, drawing him nearer to the spring.

Clari: Sorry fath…

As she reaches out, he crushes her in his hand, then tosses her body in front of Ragnhild. The treeman creeks and moans, awakening with a sorrowfully echoing bellow.

Ragnhild: Sorry I am, my flower, my child.

Daemon Prince: Join her you will soon…

A group of arrows strike the ground around the daemon. As dozens of elves emerge from the trees opposite the daemon. Three elves approach, two are covered in ritualistic tattoos with blades in their hands, while the third is hooded. The freshly fallen snow seems to be follow them in a swirling cloud.

Hooded Elf: I am Vahlyn, and your kind is not of the forest, and thus unwelcome here.

Daemon Prince: You challenge me mortal, a servant of The Lord of Flies, I’m Neigal a god amongst men.

Neigal slams into the ground with his hammer in both hands as he melds one of the elves with the earth. Vahlyn tumbles to the side drawing the blade from his back, a sheen flashes across the field as if the blade was a mirror. The other elf leaps at Neigal driving a blade into the daemons ribs, but with a mighty swing Neigal sunders the elf’s torso form the rest of him. Laughingly, Neigal removes the blade and tosses it aside, his wound having healed before it hits the ground.

Neigal: Now it is just us elf.

Neigal charges into Vahlyn with swings of such fury the air howls, but like fighting with a shadow, Vahlyn evades. Neigal continues his attack relentlessly, as the glimmer of sunlight fades Neigal’s flesh whitens, his armor grows heavy with frost. Vahlyn finds openings as time passes allowing him to land small blows against his foe. Tumbling away…

Vahlyn: Submit daemon, for you grow slow as time slips from you.

Neigal: I am undying, for the Lord of Flies sustains me.

Neigal charges back in with a renewed vigor. The clash continues. In his rage, Neigal becomes clumsy allowing more, and more quick strikes to be landed. Vahlyn leaps away…

Vahlyn: Can you sense it daemon, death approaches.

Neigal: You haven’t wounded…

Neigal notices his body is weakened, he looks at his wounds that have not healed.

Vahlyn: The frost it burns with an intensity unknown to flame.

Neigal glances toward Ragnhild, then leaping up, he charges towards the treeman. A sheen flashes across the clearing as the daemon slams into the ground in front of Ragnhild. Vahlyn tumbles onto the ground as one of the daemon’s wings lands beside him. Neigal stagers, as he begins to stand, roots erupt from the ground binding his limbs to the earth. Vahlyn approaches Neigal and without hesitation plunges his blade into the chest of the daemon. Vahlyn stands next to Neigal, as the daemons body begins to freeze solid from the wound. As Vahlyn removes the blade from Neigal, Ragnhild shatters the body with the roots entangling it. As Ragnhild picks up the body of Clari…

Ragnhild: You we thank, young elf, in spring reborn will we be.

Vahlyn turns towards the warriors, and mutters.

Vahlyn: All must be shattered and broken.

A hail of arrows streak across the clearing, as northmen and elves charge into battle.