Crisis meeting at the conclave of the seers - Warhammer 40K Fantasy

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  1. #1
    Senior Member dymew's Avatar
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    Crisis meeting at the conclave of the seers

    This is something i found, and found humorous so I decided to share it with you. Disregard the fact that eldrad is dead!


    All the important Farseers, Warlocks and Phoenix Lords are assembled in one of the Great Domes of the Ulthwé craftworld. A large picnic table has been set up in a field and all the important Eldar are present. Eldrad Ulthran, the greatest of all Seers is the chairman of the conclave. In the background we can see Maugan Ra trying to carve a turkey with the Mauge-tar while Fuegan is barbequing a wild boar with his Firepike. Baharroth has been put to good use as a fan, hanging from the ceiling and fluttering frantically. In the background millions and millions of ordinary citizens mill about, going on with their daily lives.

    Eldrad: Yes, all right, Baharroth - take it easy before all my notes fly off. They just don't make them like they used to anymore...

    Baharroth: Sorry, Great One.

    Eldrad: Yes... all right then. May I have your attention ... Fuegan, FUEGAN! No, don't use your Firepike and that bottle of lighter fluid together, you know how that ended last time. Now, we're all gathered here to discuss the changes our great race has encountered since the beginning of the 3rd Age. Like most of you know, we used to be a terrifying opponent with a solid core of Guardians supported by our elite Aspect Warriors. Unfortunately, that has changed a bit these days, but I will address that later.

    Karandras: Eldrad, who ARE all those people around here? The last time I visited you this place was nearly empty and now there are Eldar everywhere!

    Eldrad: Yes, well... I was just coming to that. *cough* Seems that someone made a little mistake when we last made a headcount... Instead of 5,000,000, there are 500,000,000,000 of us, and 50,000 are born each day.

    Jain-Zar: What? I thought we were a dying race, destined for extinction!

    Eldrad: *cough* (looking a bit embarassed) Yes, we certainly were fooled with that, weren't we. As it turns out, we're the largest race in the universe, outnumbering even the Orks.

    Maugan Ra: (giving up on the turkey and giving the now clogged up Maugetar to a Guardian for cleaning) Well, what are we waiting for, then? Let's mobilize the Guardians, arm them with our deadly Shuriken Catapults and go to war! With our advanced technology and superior numbers we can rule the galaxy within the year!

    Eldrad: (looking more and more embarassed) Well.. that was my second point. It seems that the Bonesingers weren't all they were cracked up to be, after all. Turns out that they orchestrated their demonstrations of our equipment and in reality they're not quite that effective. In a word, we were cheated. Almeir, if you will bring me that Shuriken Catapult, I will demonstrate.

    He points the gun at Maugan Ra, who is standing less than two meters away from him and pulls the trigger. The shuriken screams out of the gun, loses velocity and drops to the ground a little over a meter away from Eldrad.
    With a pathetic *plop* the weapon breaks apart.


    Maugan Ra: (looking shocked for a while) This is an outrage! But never mind! We still have our glorious war engines that we will use to crush our foes! Our highly skilled Guardians, armed with technology that surpasses that of the weakling empire of Man, shooting through their crystalline targeters, can still win the day for us!

    Eldrad: Yes... I was coming to that... *cough* It also seems that our training programs aren't what they used to be. We thought all along that our Guardians were skilled warriors, but...well, look for yourself.

    The Council turns around to watch a group of Guardians trying to hit the Dome's wall with their Shuriken Catapults. None do, instead civilians are dying in droves all around them as the Guardians lob grenades over their shoulders, accidentally fire their weapons at their friends and crash Jetbikes into them.

    Asurmen shudders visibly. Jain Zar buries her head in her hands with an audible moan. Karandras slaps his forehead.

    Eldrad: Because of this, our tactics will change slightly. You know the whole "every battle that kills a single of us is a loss"-routine?

    All Phoenix Lords nod.

    Eldrad: That's right out of the window. Nowadays we'll be using our Guardians as a mobile wall that our troops and Avatar can hide behind so that they don't get shot to pieces. We tried, we really did, but that's all we could think of for them. It's not like we'll run out of them, is it?

    Everyone laughs.

    A group of young Eldar arrives, all drunk. One of them has been dressed in an oversized robe, with a helmet that's clearly at least twice as big as his head. Attached to the helmet are two hideously oversized plastic antlers. Everyone points at him and laughs.

    Eldrad: Heh, the kids ... where are those bachelor parties headed? Moving on... we did a brief image survey, and it turns out we're not "cool" enough.

    Fuegan: Does that matter? We have the souls of poets and the bravery of warriors, what use have we for "cool"?

    Eldrad: Well, as it turns out, sales figures are dropping and we're in for a brief overhaul... The Dark Eldar...

    Asurmen: Yeah, where DID those guys come from? A year ago I hadn't even heard of them and suddenly they just pop into existence. Dangers of the Warp...

    Eldrad: Yes, Asurmen... Very well... *cough* As it turns out, we will be taking a few notes of them. First off, I'll be giving you all new names. Traditional names like Baharroth, Asurmen and Khaine simply don't cut the cheese anymore. Along with new names, you'll be getting new looks that will be more 90's style and more attractive to the hip kids of today. Jain Zar.

    Jain Zar: Yes?

    Eldrad: You're not Jain Zar anymore. You're now "Robin Swallows" and here's your outfit. (Hands Jain Zar 12 centimeters of leather). Your job is to get all the horny prepubescent males to play the game. Now, Maugan Ra.

    Maugan Ra: Yes?

    Eldrad: Your new name will be Stone Cold Maugan Ra. You don't need a new outfit as such, skulls ARE cool, but you need to start talking differently. Instead of the stuff you say these days, you'll be saying simple things and ending each sentence with "'cause Maugan 3:16 said so". Got it? Try it.

    SCMR: Umm... Son, you need to haul your ass out of my turf or I'll stomp you a new mudhole and walk you dry ... (Eldrad smiles encouragingly and waves him on) ... 'cause ... Maugan 3:16...said so?"

    Eldrad: Very good! Now, Karandras.

    Karandras: ...Yes?

    Eldrad: Your new name is "Skorp10" and your outfit works too. Now, Baharroth. (glances up) On second though, with the job you've been doing, I'll assign you and your boys as portable air cooling devices to the various Craftworlds. I think that about covers you all. Oh, wait, Fuegan?

    Just then, a loud shriek is heard in the background and a huge ball of fire erupts at the barbeque site. Fuegan, five Fire Dragons and the Avatar all run around in pain as they burn. Fuegan is holding a bottle of lighter fluid in his hand.

    Eldrad: Oh crap! Not again! I told him not to use the lighter fluid and his Firepike as a flame thrower! Oh, nuts - he's burning up the Avatar too!

    Robin Swallows: Wait, I thought he was immune to fire... he's made out of metal and lava, you know?

    Eldrad: That was all just a marketing ploy. Oh well, it's not like we didn't have spare copies or anything. At the rate he keeps appearing in every battle, we'll be up to our pointy ears in Avatars by the end of the year.

    (All the Phoenix Lords shake their heads and mutter approvingly)

    In the background a medical crew loads the barbeque-victims into a grav-ambulance, drives off and hits a tree, causing the gravbulance to explode in flames.

    Eldrad: Oh crap! I -KNEW- we should've trained them better! Moving on...

    At this point Eldrad is rudely interrupted as a bunch of Eldar wearing strange, pointy headpieces apparently knitted out of wool and decorated with pictures of Hornets with "Charlotte" written on them appear. One of them is carrying a large, black box that's emitting horrific drum beating, horse-whinnying and a bunch of humans cursing rhythmically.

    Eldrad: What on Ulthwé are you Eldar?

    DJ Shadowseer: Yo, yo, yo... The Seerahh is da hizzzaaah! Yo yo yo, you strawberry fools be talkin' bout da Rhana-Dandra, but pacos locos ay como estans los vagabondos for evaahhh! And more importantly, Ulthwê is rowdy rowdy and ...

    Da Harliez: BOWDY BOWDY!

    Eldrad: Once again, who ARE you?

    DJ Shadowseer: Yo yo yo! We be da Harliez! We be croozing in our @#%$-ass Caddy in da hood when my homie sez that we ain't in da new game. And if you ain't got game, you ain't got @#%$ So we be da...

    Eldrad: Yes, yes, whatever. I cannot understand a word that man is saying, can any of you?

    All the Phoenix Lords shake their heads, looking shocked. Baharroth flutters about.

    Eldrad: Let's not pay him any more attention, then.

    Cursing, da Harliez crank up the Domeblastah and shimmy out.

    Eldrad: On to the next point on our agenda... Seems that we'll all be learning a new language as well.

    Maugan 3:16: Why? We already have a well-established and traditional language!

    Eldrad: Yes, well... that kind of stuff is "nerdy" and we certainly can't have THAT, can we now? Our new language will be cool, witty and really funny. For instance, the word for human is now "mon-keigh". Mon-key? Get it? (laughs feebly)

    Skorp10 buries his head in his arms and begins to weep. In the background a fire crew arrives to put out the gravbulance, but manages to hook up the water hose to the fuel tank, causing much havoc.

    Eldrad: Oh well, at least we're better off than the Necrons.

    "Too right" says a passing Necron Lord.

    Last edited by dymew; August 17th, 2005 at 03:16.
    Dreams give us a vision of a world unlike any we have seen. They present us with a glimpse of a better life; a goal to aspire to, and in the face of insurmountable odds, they provide us with the power to overcome, to live on, and to succeed where we would have otherwise failed.

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  3. #2
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    So true...so sad...

  4. #3
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    a pity what we've been reduced to in these times .......Dosn't anyone want to kill the Space marine still?......
    You havent seen the light of the Emperor till you have seen the Darkness. We Eldar will exploit your fears. Be ready to die......

  5. #4
    The Pacifist Wargamer Quick's Avatar
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    I thought it was kinda funny, but it does point out the sorry state of the Eldar.

    I suppose a scene that could have been easily inserted was,

    "Well, what do we have going for us?"
    "The best transport in the game, I mean, galaxy, tons of Starcannons that even a Guardian can hit things with, and Wraithlords. Plus the Rangers of Alaitoc really mess with people."

    Eldrad thinks for a while....

    "OK, people. New plan. No Eldar Warhost is allowed to mobilize without the following units in their ranks...Take notes, people:
    "Firstly, many small teams of Alaitoc Rangers, they somehow keep the enemy away from the battlefield, probably by leaving crank calls on their cellphones telling them the battle's tomorrow.
    "Secondly, I want to see no fewer than ten Starcannons. No! Twenty! As many as you can get. Someone is bound to hit something with that many shots, even a dimwitted, cross-eyed Guardian.
    "Thirdly, I want to see Wraithlords, people, Wraithlords. I know they are super-rare; but you'll be pleased to know I've placed a call to Farseer Kelmon of Iyanden. They've got plenty, and they're FedEx'ing us all tons of Wraithlords. Everyone clear? Cool."

    Asurmen looks up and asks "What about all of our highly skilled and specialized Aspect Warriors? We devote our lives to mastery of our art?"

    Eldrad replies, "I'm glad you asked, Asurmen, because this is most relevant to you. Your Aspect is, quite frankly, ridiculous. Your armor is akin to Space Marines' pyjamas and your weapon is useful only for dental hygiene." *Eldrad demonstrates tartar-removal by means of Shuricat.* "So from now on, all Aspects shall be clumped into a single Aspect: the...um...Starcannon-shooting...um...I don't care, you guys pick a name."



    It's not that people don't want to kill Space Marines, it's all they want to kill. Practically everything is wearing 3+ Power Armor nowadays. Well, don't worry, when the new Eldar codex comes out, we'll all be able to bask in GW's attention for that month, before going back to reading White Dwarf articles about Space Marine techniques for killing everything.
    Last edited by Quick; August 15th, 2005 at 22:34.


    WHFB: Dwarfs || WH40k: Imperial Fists, Necrons || WM/H: Trollbloods || BFG: Necrons

  6. #5
    Member artificer knoll's Avatar
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    haha that was hilarious.

  7. #6
    LO Zealot TheWamp's Avatar
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    love it. What are crank calls though?
    You have just recieved the Amish Computer Virus. Since the Amish don't have computers, it is based on the honor system. So please delete all the files from your computer. Thank you for you cooperation.

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  8. #7
    Member artificer knoll's Avatar
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    I think he meant prank calls

  9. #8
    Senior Member Seth the Dark's Avatar
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    No he meant crank. The Eldar don't just use their webway to move their armies....
    "They say the Darkness consumes you. They don't say what happens after It's done."

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