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I have been looking for some good old Ork humor. Stories, pictures, models you have created, what ever shows the Ork spirit of fun.
If you have them can you please post them. Thanks
the boyz were confused. A dark eldar attack force had ripped into them, their big gunz gone, nobz dead, army fleeing. Then out of the blue one small squad of sluggas (4 left) turned and faced the dark lord with his incubi retinue (of 10 of da bastards). Just one chance before they were annilhated. a single boy picked up his rokkit and fired praying to Gork and Mork for a hit. The lord was armed with a shadow field providing a 2+ invunerable sav. The rokkit hit him dead in the chest.....
there was a moments pause....
before the lord exploded his shadow field preventing the remains from carrying outside its protective barrier.:yes:
hows that for lucky!!
‘Dere iz loadsa clanz in da Ooniverse, see? All of ’em ’cept one is proper Orkses, ’n’ da uver is proper Orkses too
– ’cept fer bein’ stinkin’ ’ooman lovin’ gits, dat is.’
Here is a short story I wrote a while ago as a battle report. Hope you like it.
It was early morning and Badmoon Warboss Blackfang was annoyed. He sat on an ammo crate, rubbing absent-mindedly at the join where his new bionic headplate merged with the front of his skull. He had only had it fitted two weeks ago after taking a shoota shell to the head and it was itching like crazy. His bodyguard sat on the ground around him in the shadow of the partially built Gargant, nervously polished their Big Shootas and trying not to draw his attention. They knew better than to catch his eye when he was angry.
"Why me." Blackfang thought angrily to himself. Everything had been going his way; Only last year, he had defeated his old boss Grimbot in the Challenge Pit and gained control of the tribe by cleverly beheading the old Ork with a swipe from a powerclaw. He had then led his tribe in victory after victory against the surrounding clans, carefully amassing status, teeth and troops, becoming one of the most powerful and richest Warbosses in the mountains, second only to the Arch-Goff Warlord Badruk. Blackfang had even re-commenced construction of Grimbot's half-built Gargant by paying Bodjit and Booma, a couple of renegade Bigmeks, to continue the work. Life had looked good.
Two weeks ago it had all gone wrong. The Goff Arch-Warlord Badruk had turned up at his fortress gates at the head of four other clans and told Blackfang that he wanted his Gargant. After a great deal of kannon fire and a very short fight, Zagstruk's army had
entered and taken over the fortress.
Blackfang ground his teeth as he remembered being dragged, bloody and in manacles, before Badruk and the other rival clan warlords. He had glared at them one by one until his gaze had finally settling on the mocking face of his old boss Grimbot, alive and grinning at him from the armoured torso of a massive cybork body!
Badruk had explained with a smirk that he couldn't have let such a loyal subject as Grimbot die and had had his head swiftly retrieved from the Challenge Pit and attached to a new body.
"Grimbot as been very elpful with info about ya, ya lads, ya gargant an ya fortress." Badruk explained with a smirk. "You ave a very impressive set-up ere, lots a meks an stuff, so I ave come to make ya an offer."
Badruk had explained to Blackfang that a number of 'Tau brainboys' had been captured in a recent raid and had been convinced to help in the construction of some new kannons called 'walegunz'. Crouching close to Blackfang and resting his powerclaw on the imprisoned Warlord's shoulder, Badruk had said, "Once they av built a few they is gonna be fitted to MY Gargant. Do you av a problem with dis?"
Blackfang had forced a sickly grin onto his face and shook his head rapidly. "No problem! I will help you any way I can!"
"Good!" Badruk had replied, "I iz leaving now. Grimbot iz in charge, with you under him and responsible for construction of da 'walegunz'. I'm also leaving some Speedfreeks and Bloodaxes to keep an eye on ya".
"I will be back in a month ta pick up my finished Gargant. If it isn't ready, I'll ave Grimbot feed ya in bits to my squigs."
Blackfang's blood boiling as he remember the threat.
"yeah, I'll finish them walegunz." He thought. "An I'll use em on you an Grimbot!"
Standing up, he yelled a grot over to him.
"Oy! You! Where's that zogger, Grimbot!" He shouted.
"Over by the west gate, boss, checking on his guards." The grot grovelled.
"MY guards!" Blackfang roared, booting the grot over a low wall with a well placed kick.
Blackfang slammed on his helmet, shouldered his mega-blasta and strode off angrily, determined to double check the perimeter of HIS fortress. His bodyguard climbed to their feet with muffled curses and stumbled after him.
He stomped over to the east gate, passing between fortified compounds, piles of rusty scrap and smoke belching workshops. His gaze flicked left and right as he walked, searching for sign of any orks or grots slacking on the job. As Blackfang stomped along, a feeling grew in him that the fortress seemed...different. It was a lot quieter than it normally was this time in the morning. There was no dawn chorus of engines revving from the Speedfreek compound, or drunken singing and brawling noises from the Bloodaxe barracks.
Perhaps they had wiped each other out in a fight during the night, Blackfang thought with a grin.
Turning the corner into the Bloodaxe compound, his gaze fell on the back of a single rusty Bloodaxe tank, sat in the road covering the east gate with it's enormous gun. Blackfang bounced a large rock off the back of the Leman Russ Tank's turret with a clang.
"Oy! Are you zoggers awake in there!" he bellowed.
A hatch in the turret banged open and a nob in a posh looking suit of armour, stood up and saluted like a humie.
"Sah! Kaptain Yawik reporting, Sah!"
"where are the rest of ya!" Blackfang shouted. "Da three other tanks and all ya kommandos!"
"Sah! At 2100 hours last night the Kompany was ordered by Commander Grimbot to investigate an unknown force of battlewagons seen lurking in the nearby Black Swamp! Sah! We have since had trouble contacting our patrol! Sah!"
"Unknown battlewagons? What are ya talking about? Get em on ya radio and find out wots happening!" Blackfang shouted.
"Sah, Yes Sah!" Kaptin Yawik shouted back, still saluting.
Blackfang growled and turned away, stomping towards the south gate. His bodyguard followed at a distance.
Winding his way between more fortified compounds, he came to and entered the compound recently taken over by the Speedfreeks. To his surprise, the entire area was empty apart from a couple of oil spills, a pile of burst tires and a small gang of his Flashgitz who were rummaging for teef in a corner.
"Oy, Giza! Where are all dos Buggies?" yelled Blackfang at the Flashgitz leader.
"Dunno boss, they left last night saying summat about a patrol and havn't come back yet." Replied Giza. "We found a few teef and some juicy squigs though. You wan't one?" He asked.
"Naw, keep it yourself." Blackfang replied. "Oy, while ya around, send some runners ta get the rest of the lads up and ready, something weird is going on!"
Blackfang was beginning to feel uneasy. Two large forces had left the fort and hadn't come back yet. Also there was that report about battlewagons in the swamp? Was Grimbot holding out on him? Had the git spotted someone to fight and sent off most of his forces to tackle them alone and claim all the glory? No, he didn't like it at all. Picking up the pace, Blackfang stomped off towards the centre of the camp, towards the towering silouhette of the incomplete Gargant.
Finally he reached the base of the gargant, stopping at the side of a huge foot and gazing up it's armoured flank.
"When are ya gonna get that zogging thing finished!" Blackfang roared up at the Gargant. An oily, welding mask covered head poked out of a hatch cut into the side, and Bigmek Booma glared back.
"Shaddap!" he yelled. "You get those fish-head brainboys talking sense and I'll put it together soon enough!"
"Shaddap?" Blackfang bellowed. "Come down here and say that you.....?" He paused. His eye caught by something high up in the yellow sky. His bionic eye wirred as it focussed on a distant multitude of dots descending on jets of flame towards this position.
"What the zog are they?" he muttered in wonder. Missiles? Bombs? Drop-pods...Yes! Drop pods! But why are they coming here? They must be comming to silence the Tau prisoners!
He turned to his retinue.
"Sound the alarm you zoggers! SOUND THE ALARM!"
Blackfang called over some grot runners and started giving orders.
"Oy you! tell snag, dich and duff to get their mobs over to the Prison Bunker, with the two dreadnoughts! They are to hold onto it, no matter what happens!"
"You, you and you, tell the rest of da mobs to take up position around the fortress and shoot anything that trys to get in!"
"You! where's Naga and his artillery?"
"Hid in the woods over dat hill boss, like ya told em to do last week, Boss."
Blackfang grabbed a radio from his belt and pressed the button for Nagga, the artillery Nob.
"Oy! Nagga! get your artillery ready and start firing at here!"
"Crackle. At the fortress, boss?" Nagga replied.
Yeah Here! The fortress is unda attack! And get that bomba in the air as well! Same target!"
Loudspeakers started to sound throughout the camp with a loud rising and falling WAAAAAGH! The camp exploded into action like an enraged ants nest. Orks grabbed their shooters and launchas and ran to their positions, crouching behind walls, scrap heaps and sandbags. Ammo grots scuttled around with crates of ammo. Flashgitz checked the ammo feeds of their kustomised guns and big shootas, positioning themselves for good lanes of fire. Killer Kans and Dreadnoughts were jump-started to life, climbed to their feet and flexing their claws in anticipation. Meks powered up mega-blastas, burnas and forcefield generators.
A quiet hush descended over the fortress as the rain of drop pods rushed down towards the forest of gunbarrels pointing up towards them.
"Wait till the zoggers land then hose them with everything!" Blackfang shouted across the fortress, then hunkered down, tracking an approaching pod with his mega-blasta. It looked like most of the force was going to come down on the east and north parts of the
fortress, near where Grimbot was taking up position. Blackfang grinned at the possibility of Grimbot being killed by the invaders.
Suddenly, to Blackfang surprise, the pods exploded, showering chaff, flares and debris over the compound. Everyone, including Blackfang, ducked. From this rain of debris on howling hover jets dropped dozens of flying armoured suit and swarms of flying discs,
all spitting a hail of energy bolts. Behind the flying firestorm, Blackfang saw four large flying tanks crest the west wall and open fire into the compound. Another four buggie-sized tanks screamed over the north wall and opened up on a mob of boys, cutting down half the squad in seconds.
"OPEN FIRE!" Badruk screamed into his radio. The noise of the invaders energy guns and hover jets was drowned out with the thunder of over two hundred shooters, launchas and mega-blastas letting rip. Streams of tracer rounds, rockets and energy bolts streaked in all directions, exploding and richocheting off armoured shapes, or missing and streaking into the chaff clouded sky.
Blackfang laughed with approval. It was the most impressive display of firepower he had seen in a long time!
From the north came a growing, whistling sound. Looking up, Blackfang saw the smoke trails of a swarm of approaching grot bombs, followed by the winged silouette of the Bomba. "DUCK!" shouted Badruk, as the grot bombs smashed into the compound and the Bomba screamed over, scattered it's payload. Shrapnel and debris flew everywhere in a storm of explosions as the grot bombs exploded against the flying tanks, spinning a few of them around and causing one to crash into a wall. One bomb smacked into a grot mob, killing the slaver and causing the grots to scatter. Another exploded at the feet of a Kan, blowing the vehicle off it's feet. Clusta bombs scattered across the fortress, hitting Tau and Orks alike - blowing a part a few of the flying suits, but also exploding amongst three flashgitz gangs, sending bodies flying through the air.
The fire slackened a bit as the Tau forces landed and took cover, only to have nearby mobs pile into them, clinging to legs and arms while their comrades jabbed into joints with bayonets.
Blackfang crouched down behind a wall with his bodyguard and took aim at the squadron of flying buggies near the north gate. They had finished off the Shoota mob with a final burst of fire and now glided up the street towards him, ork gunfire bouncing off their sides like rain as they advanced. He squeezed the trigger of his mega-blasta. With a bang and a flash, a bolt of plasma shot up the street and punched through the front of the first Pirahna, exploding the fuel cells and flipping it on its side. Another dropped as Giza's Flashgitz mob hosed it from point blank with big shoota fire and destroyed an engine. Another spun and crashed as a squad of killer kans crashed through a nearby wall and shot the head off the exposed pilot. The last one swooped towards Blackfang. Only to disapear in massive explosion as the Bloodaxe Leman Russ blew it a part from a shot from it's huge demolisher cannon. The Bloodaxe Kaptin saluted Blackfang from the turret.
"Get that thing moving to the west gate!" Blackfang roared. "that's where most of em have landed! We will follow!" With a clatter of tracks the the tank roared off, the turret searching for another target.
In the distance, Blackfang could see the massive form of Grimbot fighting in hand to hand with the Tau forces trying to capture the west gate. He saw Grimbot rip the side off one of the flying tanks with his powerclaw, then turn to help a shoota mob uselessly
fighting a group of humie terminators with their bayonets. The terminators were going through the shoota boys like a Skarboy through a Squigfeast, their powerfists killing an ork with each swipe.
Blackfang's view was suddenly blocked ahead as an injured Bigmek Bodjit suddenly staggered into sight round the side of the Gargant, closely followed by a blocky humie Dreadnought. It cut Bodjit down in a burst of assault cannon fire, only to explode itself as it was then hit from the side with a hail of rokkits.
"That'll teach ya to run ya cowardly git!" Blackfang roared throught the thunder of gunfire at the splattered remains of Bodjit. Only to duck quickly behind a wall as a railgun shell vaporised the Nob beside him.
"Take cover ya zoggers!" He roared at the rest of his bodyguard. "we'll hold em off here until we get the rest of the lads up!" His guard dived amongst piles of scrap and gave covering fire with their big shootas while the following mobs closed up ready for a big charge.
Looking left, Blackfang saw Booma and his mekboys fireing their mega-blastas from a balcony of the gargant into a swirling cloud of flying discs and armoured suits that were advancing on the prison bunker. On the roof of the prison bunker was a vicious melee
between a burna gang and a group of fancy looking armoured suits. Blackfang cheered, "you get em lads!" as the burna mob sliced the gunbarrels, arms and legs off two of the crisis suits, but then glared in frustration as the last Crisis suit stomped and kicked the remaining burna boys flat, before jumping behind a wall.
Blackfang focused his bionic eye on the distant melee by the west gate again - and witnessed Grimbot's last stand. Grimbot looked to be having the time of his life - he was screaming and laughing at the top of his mechanical lungs while crushing the life out of the last of the Termies with his claw. Beyond him, a horde of black armoured Beakies led by another humie Dreadnought were pouring in through the recently blown West Gate and forming into a solid firing line. Throwing the crushed Terminator suit at a clump of flying discs, Grimbot (and the surviving eight members of the Shoota mob) jogged forwards and opened up on the dreadnought. The dread swung it's assault cannon to bear on Grimbot's gang as shoota shells ricocheted off its thick armour casing. Grimbot triggered his One-shot Kustom Rokkit Launcha and howled in glee as the rokkit spiralled into the front of the dreadnought, detonating with a crack and setting off a series of explosions that scatted burning chunks of the dreadnought over a wide area and sending orks and Beakies alike tumbling.
With a hiss of pistons, Grimbot staggered to his feet, pointed at the growing mass of armoured shapes in the gateway and roared, "With me lads! We've nearly got em! WAAAAAGH!"
The few orks that had survived the explosion of the dreadnought clambered upright, hefting their empty shootas and charging after Grimbot's battered form as he advanced towards the ever thickening line of Beakies, Crisis suits and Gun drones. Blackfang,
crouching in the rubble by the feet of the gargant, felt a wave of admiration for his rival as he watched the tiny, distant mob run yelling towards the mass of enemy troops.
The massed Beakies opened fire, joined by squads of gun drones and Crisis suits. The remaining boys were the first to die, falling one after another as each was riddled by exploding bolt shells, pulse bursts and micro-missiles. Grimbot staggered as the hail of fire sleeted into his armoured body, most richocheting harmlessly off, though some penetrated joints and armour plates, blowing out critical systems of his cybernetic body and slowing his advance. Grimbot emptied his double barreled shoota into the line of Beakies as he staggered forwards, sending an armoured shape tumbling back, then paused as three armoured suits swooped over the line of Beakies towards him. Grimbot raised his damaged powerclaw, stepping towards them with a screech of damaged joints, and screamed "WWAAAAAGH!"
Only to disappear in an explosion of hot metal and shrapnel as the crisis suits opened up and vaporised him with a salvo of fusion beams.
Blackfang turned away from the scene and glanced behind him to see how many of 'da Lads' had formed up around in the surrounding wreckage. "Good," he thought, "Looks like all of em," as he counted his bodyguard, the Shoota Mobs, Flashgitz gangs, Killer Kans and the Bloodaxe tank. Keeping low to avoid incoming fire and shouting over the racket of gunfire, Blackfang adressed his troops.
"Right, you lot, Listen up! You all saw how that git Grimbot bought us some time, well, we are gonna make the most of it! When I say go we are all gonna go over there and stick the boot in! I wanna see lotsa shootin and lootsa yelling! No-one is gonna hang back! No one is gonna fall back! We are all gonna go together and kick them outa our fort!" The orks roared in agreement and prepared to charge.
Meanwhile, more and more Beakies were pouring through the gate, followed by the squat square shapes of a pair of Landraiders.
"It's now or never lads, Follow me! WWWAAAAAAGH!" Blackfang roared and leaping to his feet charged towards the enemy. The Bloodaxe tank's main gun boomed loudly as it ground forward, sending a massive shell through the front of the first Landraider,
blowing the front hatch wide open. The sea of orks surged forward towards the beakie and Tau firing line, each ork yelling waaagh! at the top of his lungs and firing their shootas wildly.
The line of Beakies opened fire a second time, a hail of bolt shells and laser beams slashing into the mass of orks, blowing them apart in droves. Blackfang cursed, as he saw at least forty orks cut down in seconds and his three remaining Killer Kans burst into
flames and crash to the ground. Diving behind the ruins of a burning dreadnought, Blackfang shouted, "Take Cover lads!, We'll hose em from here!"
A single mob of Flashgitz out in the open continued running forwards, firing their kustomised shootas from the hip. They didn't make it far, only advancing a dozen more yards and dropping a few more Beakies before being cut down in a hail of fire. The rest of the horde dived behind anything they could find, wrecked vehicles, walls, oil drums and cargo crates and tried to return fire.
Blackfang popped a Blasta shot at a gundrone swarm, cursed as he missed, but then chuckled as his bodyguard blew them all out of the air in a hail if Big Shoota shells. The Bloodaxe tank boomed again, the huge shell detonating against the last enemy flying tank and sending it spinning into the ground. Rokkits flew from ork lines but exploded randomly against the walls and wreckage that the enemy Beakies returned fire from. Bolt shells and laser beams flew into the ork lines, hitting an ork here and there, but mostly detonating harmlessly against walls, wreckage and flickering force fields.
Blackfang looked at the enemy lines. They had taken up a firing line oposite his and were just sitting there, trying to keep his force pinned down. Why? They nearly outgunned his army now, but didn't seem intent on risking an attack to decide the battle. Looking left and behind the Gargant, he saw with astonishment that the Prison Bunker was wide open and that the Shootas mobs and Dreadnoughts he had assigned to guard the Tau prisoners were lying in piles around the entrance!
It wasn't an assault! It was a prison break! Blackfang started smiling as he watched the armored figures slowly begin backing out of the gate and waved to his lads to cease fire. He chuckled at the puzzled expressions on the faces of his lads as the last of the
enemy backed out of the gate and disappeared into the smoke.
"Don't worry lads, I have a plan!" Blackfang shouted as his lads clambered out from behind their cover and gathered around him.
"I wonder if the Arch-Warlord Badruk would like to know that Grimbot has let someone nick his prisoners," Blackfang explained with a grin. "Badruk will want to get them back and it would be a real shame if Badruk loses to many of his lads to those Beakies!"
Blackfang gazed at the sea of faces "I mean, ANYONE could take over then, especially if they had a gargant!" He slapped the armoured side of the Gargant's foot with his powerclaw and smiled at the confused mob. The expressions of bewilderment turned to grins as the idea sank in.
Badruk stood in the middle of the burning, smokefilled fortress, and started to laugh.
If you drop a shell on your foot an it don't urt, your shoota aint big enough!
Imperial Casualties: 500 Marine Boyz
Orkish Casualties: 1,000,000 uv Da Boyz
Death by Enimy Fyre: 200,000 uv Da Boyz
Death by Buddy Fyre: Lots uv it.
Comments: A smashing success.
How's that for funny?
I shall use all of my armies to their fullest power.
My Angels are a sword to cut my own path.
My Orks are a hammer to crush my enemies.
Fear me, for I shall rule this Galaxy by my own Hand.
Grots: they provide cover saves when orks hold them in front of the bullets, and they help you traverse difficult terrain when orks walk over them. Imagine an ork jumping from the head of one submerged grot to another to get across a mudpit.
Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Are you wounded?
Clouseau: No. Fortunately I was saved by the darkness.
Chief Inspector Dreyfus: So what we need is more light.
I always loved that 2nd edition gun where it fires and angry grot into the enemies armour . That was so classic.
Tenozuma - The Burninator... I came, I saw, I posted.Originally Posted by Aussie Bogan
Dark Eldar player.
Feel free to PM if you want any advice or help with anything.
Assume everything I say has a "what I think" disclaimer.
Hang out with all the other Aussie and NZ members at The ANZAC Clan.
Need advice, want to talk warhammer or just want a laugh? Come on LO Chat. http://www.librarium-chat.com/
Or what about the one that picked up tanks with magnetics or telepathics or something and then dropped them? The old orks were much more technologically advanced, even if they didn't really understand the principles behind it and used the tech in unorthodox ways. I really want the 2nd ed tanks to come back with the revision.
Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Are you wounded?
Clouseau: No. Fortunately I was saved by the darkness.
Chief Inspector Dreyfus: So what we need is more light.
How this for humour? Boss of da Madkowz:
In game terms, the ork is armed with a 'uge choppa and a custom blasta while the cow is a "counts as" cyboar (or just ignored entirely if you can't get over the physics of rollerskates + rockets + mud). Likely the cow wouldn't survive once the rockets are lit -- for that matter, likely the ork isn't going to survive once the rockets are lit.
I'm considering doing a five-strong unit of these, but that hinges on getting the cow bits as well as finding time to work on them.
Obligatory CMON rating link.
I dearly hope the new codex returns some of the humour of the old orks. The current one is honestly on the sad side.