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Thread: The Pale Maiden

  1. #1
    Formerly BrotherAzriel Horus Lupercal's Avatar
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    The Pale Maiden

    Hey all, this is the story/background for my Vampire who leads my VC army.

    C+C welcome but im not the best wrighter so dont be too harsh please

    The Pale Maiden

    Gather thee round and listen thee close children and I shall tell thee a tale.
    Sit close to the fires and bar up the doors. For tonight is Gheminsnact and we all know of the things that lurk just beyond the shadows, things of the Wyrd, things of the darkness.

    This tale is a tragic tale of a sorts, tragic for the young lady it is centred upon, tragic for the house who treated her so cruelly and tragic for those brave souls who watch the roads of this evil night, mayhap they cross such a being.
    Settle down now young ones and listen to my tale. The tale of the pale maiden……

    Many seasons ago, before my father lived in this Inn, before even his father’s father lived in this Inn the Count of Hochland was in a bitter and violent dispute with our southern neighbours in Middenland.
    No one knew how it had started but it had gone on for nigh on 50 seasons. Sons had died in duels over ridiculous insults traded in Inns like the one you sit in now. It had nearly come to full out war!!

    The Count of Middenland Passed and his eldest son took his title, as is right and proper. He had grown tired of this war and some said he had no stomach for a fight. Seeking an end to the dispute he travelled to Hochland with his younger sister Aria. There to hold talks with Harald Lanister, the count of Hochland at that time.
    For five nights did the counts sit and argue in the main hall. Each one suggesting terms of truce and the other offering counters. Aria had stayed out of it, as is right and proper. A young lady has no place arguing politics in the halls of Electors.

    It was on the 6th night, alone and afraid of the looks she received from the Hochland soldiers stationed in the keep that she entered the main hall seeking company. The hour was late and Elector Count Lanister sat alone by the fire. They fell into talking and the next morning the Count declared an offer of truce. He spoke how he was enchanted by the beauty of Aria and how he would care for her, love her, honour her and to seal the truce he would take her hand and join their two houses.
    They were wed not long after that and the Count of Middenland returned to his home, leaving Aria Lanister as she was now known, right and proper. Harald, who had promised to love her, honour her and care for her changed quick as an elf’s blade!

    “You will suffer for all the wrongs your despicable family has made against the Lanisters girl!” He told her, with a savage joy! He took her from their bed chambers, after he took her against her will of course. She was given to the Guard to have their sport and locked with the servants, treated no better than the hounds that dwelt in the yards.
    Harald Lanister was a cruel man. He had played the Count of Middenland into leaving his sister. With promises of truce and peace Middenland was caught blindsided when Lanister men raided their boarders. Killing, Raping and Pillaging. Poor Aria, who had taken no part in the feud, was punished for every counter that the Middenlanders made. She would be beaten when a raid failed or taken in victory by Harald and then his favoured guards.

    For 3 years did the violence happen. Until the Count of Middenland Rode to Harald under banners of truce.

    Upon seeing his beloved sister, dirty, bruised and too afraid to even recognise her own brother he flew into a rage and attacked Harald. The duel was short, the Count of Middenland was young and new to the blade and as told before he had no stomach for a fight. Harald was a skilled blades man and ran him down. Aria was forced to carry her beloved brother’s body into the woods alone and leave him in a ditch. She was gone all night and many feared her dead for the woods are a dangerous place for a young lady at night. But in the morn she returned. Pale. Drawn and Cold to touch.

    It was said that night that Aria began to cry red tears. She began to leave the stable where she slept in the dead of the night. She would walk into the woods and return just before dawn looking pale. Shadows began to creep into Castle Lanister. Serving girls would run in fear, claiming they had seen a pale man with red eyes. All were afraid. Except for Aria who would smile at these tales.

    Cattle began to go missing. Guards disappeared from their posts. A thief was executed by hanging and spent all the night wailing, even as he hung from the gallows. His screams only stopped when Harald himself parted his head from his shoulders.

    All were afraid. Except for Aria, who grew more pale in complexion every night. She would smile at these tales.
    It was the day after Gheminsnact, an evil night just like this one. None slept well, whispers plagued all who tried to sleep and shadows caressed the vision of those who didn’t. Harald began to wither. He seemed to age before his days. He became weak and just as before his manner to Aria changed as quick as an elf’s blade!!
    She was taken back into the castle. Given fine clothes. Harald would beat any man who dared look upon her. As he grew weaker, Aria, almost as pale as porcelain seemed to grow stronger. She gave out more and more commands as Harald was stricken to his bed.

    Harald passed. Aria had his body beheaded and burnt. The ashes mixed with holy salts and spread in the garden of Morr. No one knew why. Not then.
    Aria took the title of countess. Having borne no heirs to Harald, her torment meaning she had lost both children she carried before they saw day.
    Aria was never seen by day. She never partook of food and only ever drank red wine in the presence of guests. She took young men to her chambers and many never returned again. Aria would punish any who questioned her.

    The people of Hochland suffered under Aria Lanister, She was violent to the serving girls and cared not for the people.
    A priest of Sigmar came unto the Castle. Seeking to talk with Aria and change her ways towards Hochlands people. He stood in the main hall and as he spoke words of prayer Aria flinched and snarled. She ordered him cast out but he would not leave.

    He spoke his name as Bertand Lanister. Brother of Harald. Aria didn’t know Harald had a brother, she rarely spoke to him. Bertrand read again from his book and it was then that Aria was revealed for the beast she had become. Bertrand attacked. His Guards with him, Knights of Morr in disguise.

    No one knows the rest of the tale. Some say she slew Bertrand and was later driven out by a band of Knights. Others say Bertrand struck her down with Sigmars might. But most say she escaped and that the pail maiden still haunts these woods, seeking to punish the people of Hochland for the cruelty she suffered and seeking to take back her throne, as she believes is right and proper…….

    PROUD TO BE IN THE BRITISH ARMY.
    ~~ Surrender and serve me in life, or die and slave for me in death~~

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  3. #2
    Poet of the Deed Captain Corrigan's Avatar
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    I don't suppose the name of "Lanister" was inspired by aSoIaF was it?

    I like it, it seems to provide an interesting perspective on Aria, it feels more justified and "believable" (or at least, as far as any high fantasy concept can be believable) than most vampire fluff. I won't go too far into details of a c&c of the writing itself, simply because as you say its mainly about creating the story itself, but the double exclamation marks can probably be done without, and I would maybe tweak the single spoken line in order to make it fit better with the style of the piece as a whole (I imagine the story being told by some rugged, old storyteller in a tavern and for me the line could use changing slightly to reflect that).

    On the whole though, a good effort and one I enjoyed reading. Will we be seeing a model of this vampire any time soon?

    +rep

    -Corrigan

  4. #3
    Formerly BrotherAzriel Horus Lupercal's Avatar
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    Thanks,

    Im really happy that you saw the story as told that way as i was aiming for that too!!

    The name has been altered to "Vanessa Tucen-Hochen" As it is more imperial and is the name of an old noble family from Hochland!

    Model is built and waiting to be undercoated!
    PROUD TO BE IN THE BRITISH ARMY.
    ~~ Surrender and serve me in life, or die and slave for me in death~~

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  6. #4
    Poet of the Deed Captain Corrigan's Avatar
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    Awesome, I will look forward to seeing it

    -Corrigan

  7. #5
    Sir Proofreader Deadstar_MRC's Avatar
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    I like the way you've written this as tale in the tavern - and the very open ending, just perfect for scaring the listeners!

    A bit grim I suppose but maybe that's just me and I'm not in a particular mood for grimness today
    Rabbit; Our Tau community has the talent of figuring out how to turn a feather into a timebomb. Macgyver would be jealous.
    8people; Honey, why is my fluffwars story your shopping list?

  8. #6
    Formerly BrotherAzriel Horus Lupercal's Avatar
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    Haha, well grim is what i was after, she is your typical meglomaniac vengance seeking vampire. But its mankinds fault.

    After all in the grim darkness of the... wait...... ummm. Yeah.
    PROUD TO BE IN THE BRITISH ARMY.
    ~~ Surrender and serve me in life, or die and slave for me in death~~

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