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  1. #11
    Benevolent Dictator CaptainSarathai's Avatar
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    1480 (x8)

    I also second 'Coingrabber' staying outright. I also don't think that you need to throw a huge change into Ivy's name - if that's something you want to stick with, by all means stick to your guns. Even the alternative, changing it to something which might be shortened to Ivy would work if you wanted. No big thing. My Vampiress is definitely bordering on being a wish-list. In a setting where all of my Vampires are basically French, she's a Norse princess who was saved, seduced and 'wed' by my general - with the anglecized name 'Christobel' and she's just as capricious as Ivy in your story.

    On that note, keeping that 'darkness in men's hearts' is something that makes Vampires believable and interesting. Sure, they might be heroic and well-intentioned, but there are plenty of heroes and do-gooders fighting for Order. The idea of becoming something as hideous as a Vampire means that there was some corner of your soul that wanted to go through with it. That's one of my favorite "modern additions" to Vampire lore - the idea that in order to become a Vampire, you have to volunteer willingly. It's not like a zombie or werewolf where a mere bite will turn you whether you like it or not - you have to actually consent to the change, whether it be through honesty or some form of deception.

    You do a good job with that in the update. The idea that Aiden not only hates his rival enough to consider murdering him over a girl, but that he reaches a point where he is so desperate to live in order to carry out his revenge that he resorts to cannibalism to survive - that's showing the part of his psyche that is truly broken and twisted. That seed of evil that flowers into a full vampire.

    On a side note - have you read 'The Count of Monte Cristo'? It's historical fiction, but could actually serve as a cool basis for your story, as it already follows very similar lines. Edmund Dantes starts off life as a merchant, doing a good job for himself. He's about to get married to the girl he loves, and set sail with a cargo that will set him up for a comfortable life. Jealous of his bride, his success, and his good luck, his friends conspire against him and have him accused for treason. He gets locked in prison. While there, an old and dying cell-mate teaches him everything he needs to be a respectable nobleman, tells him of an immense treasure, where to find it, and they actually conspire that when the man dies Edmund will take his place in the burial shroud and sneak out of what is basically Alcatraz. Edmund actually plans to be buried alive and dig his way out but is thrown into the sea instead. Once out, he locates the treasure and uses it to pose as the mysterious 'Count of Monte Cristo', traveling to Rome and then Paris to undo everyone who wronged him in life. Along the way, he also uses his wealth to aid those who had been kind to him.
    During his travels, the Count seems to be all-knowing, and all powerful. This owes largely to the fact that he already knew these people as Edmund before they met him again as 'the Count', but also to his superior intellect and his ability to buy off nearly anyone to play a role in his schemes.

    I loved the book, and it definitely has the makings of a pretty bad-ass Vampire story. Everything goes as you said - Aiden is doing well in life as a thief, and plans to marry Ivy. One of the thieves outs his actual identity as a revenge (bros before hoes, honor among theives, etc) and Aiden is cast out or imprisoned. While there, he learns of another prisoner/outcast, perhaps a man in an iron mask (another of Dumas's stories), who is a Vampire. Perhaps the Vampire is just a guard, or maybe even runs the prison and uses the prisoners as feeding stock (endless possibility here). Anyways, Aiden manages to convince the Vampire to turn him into Undead so that he can escape by feigning his death and digging himself out of his grave. Once out, he returns to look for Ivy. With the whole 'Incurable Disease' thing, maybe Aiden initially poses as a physician with a cure. He offers the cure (vampirism) to Ivy, who accepts. Using his daughter's health as a means to extort her father, Aiden and Ivy come into possession of all or most of his wealth, and then go on the road, traveling from town to town to hunt down the members of the Black Crow, which has now become a very successful (and possibly misguided) guild in his absence and embedded itself in every major city and town throughout the region. Obviously, the men who sold Aiden out are the ones at the top of the ladder, and the ones that he is working his way towards killing.

    Seriously, I could write this whole damn thing out for you right now. Possibly whether you ask me to or not

    Pts Values for AoS here!

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  3. #12
    Senior Member Ipshank's Avatar
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    514 (x7)

    I actually grew fond of Kara Göndul, I'm one of those peeps who like 'easter eggs' and hidden puns in stories. (Ciaphas Cain in example used by Sandy Mitchell.) and I'm somewhat proud of that name, even though it'll most likely remain a thing only I will notice

    I agree with you that one should 'want' to become a vampire in order to actually become one instead of 'just' a bite to the neck, be it a motivation out of despair, anger, jealousy or pure evil, that's why I let Aiden rise to a certain height only to have him dropped from his comfortable position and loosing it all.
    Basically I wanted to break him to a point where he feels no remorse for his actions and only wants to achieve his goals of murdering the pig who did this to him and get Kara back to the point where he gives up his humanity.


    I've heard of the 'Count of Monte Cristo' but never knew what the story was about and it's purely coincidental that the two are so alike, pretty funny and definitely came on top of my 'to read' list now =)

    I like what you've written and it addresses one of the things I'm struggling with at the moment: Why does Kara turn? She has no reason except maybe love but this isn't Twillight.
    I figured that in his bloodlust fuelled rampage Aiden loses control during the confrontation with Inbred Bastard and, not being used to his new found powers, he does rather more damage to his surroundings then intended and nearly kills Kara by accident, the only way to save her is by turning her and so he does. The problem I have with this is the sheer cheese of it, it's been done a dozen times already and still feels rather Twillight.

    I might nick your idea, and basically give it a Count of Monte Cristo twist, it's not a 'shame' to have ones fluff be compared to that.
    But I'm not going to copy your stuff 1:1 so you can still use it for a (short) story yourself. *nudge nudge*.
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  4. #13
    Senior Member Ipshank's Avatar
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    514 (x7)

    Edited the first post, figured it would keep the thread a bit more clean.
    C&C more then welcome
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  6. #14
    Benevolent Dictator CaptainSarathai's Avatar
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    1480 (x8)

    Nice! It's a little slow, you don't cover a lot of time for the amount of text, but I actually like that because it makes it more of a story and less just a standard, read-through fluff to catch someone up on the background.

    I don't have any criticism for you, congratulations! The only thought that came to my mind with your story, was that you could possibly set it up so that when Aiden returns as a Vampire and razes the city, he leaves Kara with absolutely nothing. She hates him, but where else can she go now? It's not so much that she sees the Aiden that she loved, or longs for immortality, or that she was even necessarily waiting for his return (maybe she did once, but perhaps years have passed with no word of him), but simply that he has taken everything she ever knew, leaving himself as her only other option. It's the kind of sick, abusive stuff that you might expect from a lovelorn vampire. Vampires may or may not actually feel emotion, and if they do, it's likely only a remnant of their past lives. If Aiden was only a young man, still reeling with the hormones and 'crazy love' when he died, that might be the only kind of "love" he knows. Most teenage relationships are beyond twisted, and now you're adding in a person who has clearly gone almost totally insane at some point.

    "You wanted freedom. You wanted a life free from obligation, free from responsibility, free of your demanding father, free of stupid doting hulk Hanz. They're gone now. They're all gone. Isn't this what you've always wanted? I did this because I love you."

    See what I mean?

    Dredged up some really old VC fluff that I did for my army that has a similar "tragic hero" thing going on.
    https://www.librarium-online.com/forums/fb-army-fluff/103899-blood-prince-arabya-bret-vc-fluff.html#post1003923
    Pts Values for AoS here!

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  7. #15
    Sir Proofreader Deadstar_MRC's Avatar
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    470 (x8)

    Fantastic so far! I quite enjoyed reading through it and hope the next bits come out just as well

    Have some well deserved rep (provided I can give it, if not you'll just have to be content with the fact I tried...)

    EDIT: Aww, no rep, so I found this for you instead...
    Last edited by Deadstar_MRC; August 12th, 2013 at 08:39.
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  8. #16
    Senior Member Ipshank's Avatar
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    514 (x7)

    Woot no criticism!

    Indeed the story is quite slow but that was intentional, my gaming group is small (three or four lads including me) so I only have to show them it once or something or can just verbally tell them what's the deal with my undead horde and if anything this story is more for my own entertainment then anything else and I'll probably use it as a base for some (short) story stuff.

    Aiden will be about twenty seven years old when he escapes from the dungeon and 'dies' so not really a twisted teenage relationship, but we can safely assume that he's bonkers enough to reason like this:
    "You wanted freedom. You wanted a life free from obligation, free from responsibility, free of your demanding father, free of stupid doting hulk Hanz. They're gone now. They're all gone. Isn't this what you've always wanted? I did this because I love you."
    So consider your idea kindly 'borrowed'.

    Edit:
    Woot my very own golden star from Deathstar teeheehee thanks I'll do my best to keep it up
    Last edited by Ipshank; August 12th, 2013 at 10:01.
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  9. #17
    Benevolent Dictator CaptainSarathai's Avatar
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    1480 (x8)

    Steal it. I really don't mind. I think that if he's in prison until he's 27, he might still have that kind of reasoning. Trust me, letting your life slip away from you will keep you pretty young. I'm 23, dropped out of college, been living at home (about to change that) met a girl when I was 19, been dating her for 4 years solid without having to play the "dating game" at all. I'm starting to realize that when I meet other people "my age" that I'm perhaps a bit behind the curve. Others have gone on and done things, gotten all responsible and that. I know a 22yo girl who's married and I mistook her for being 28 or so, just because she's more mature than I am. Kids my age are college graduates, making money, driving cars for "adults" like BMWs and nicer sedans, wearing blazers and collared shirts - I still drive a 'beater', and wear jeans and a Tshirt every day, and forget to shave half the time. I'm not complaining - it's a hell of a lot more comfortable than a suit and tie, and more fun than worrying about bills and spreadsheets and the new covers on the TPS-reports. I'm just illustrating a point.

    The idea that Aiden's only experience with "love" might've happened when he was young and then he got locked up for a decade could easily mean that he still thinks like that. Plus it's a fantasy story - it's perfectly okay for him to be 9 kinds of sick and twisted and I don't think most people will really care how old he is, or think that much in to it.
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  10. #18
    Senior Member Ipshank's Avatar
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    514 (x7)

    Hehe I know the feeling on that, though with me it was the relationship that had cost me the most. (and even after that realisation I still miss it, humans are weird)

    'nyway,
    I made a little headway though nothing worthy of posting yet, in fact I think the next time I update the piece will be when it's actually finished (I reckon it to be done on friday). Decided to skip the secret meeting part and get straight down on the 'action', this leaves some holes in the story (How did Hanz find out who Aiden really was i.e) but then again, this if supposed to be fluff and not an biography of Aiden and it 'saved' about a page worth of text. Plus it's part of a story to let the reader fill in the blanks with his own imagination a bit in my opinion.
    So now I find myself starting with 'the dungeon life' of Aiden, looking forward to adding a hefty dose of grimness and darkness to the fluff.

    Still not sure what to do 'post madness', after Aiden has given Kara her 'freedom'.
    It's a long way from 'ravaged a town, killed a Duke, gave a chick immortality but nothing to actually live for' to 'chilling in our castle, hidden in the forest and stuff, waiting for the next batch of firstborns to arrive' and I've never been good at writing those time gaps subtly.
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  11. #19
    Benevolent Dictator CaptainSarathai's Avatar
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    Yeah, look at me whining. Anyways:

    Filling the gap between him wiping out the townsfolk and everything she loved, and waiting for the next batch of offerings to arrive at the edge of the forest - you need to explain how they got to a point where they're waiting for offerings.

    Maybe the cracked reasoning that he kills everything she loved in order to "free" her, is because his own unfortunate experiences have led him to believe that the world hated him even before he was a vampire. There is no 'all conquering love' in his world, there is only deceit and loss. Obviously she doesn't forgive him for killing everyone, and maybe she didn't even want the immortality - maybe he actually drops her during the fighting (jumps between him and someone she loves) and turns her after it's finished, without asking. If you want to go really grimdark (as in, might offend some readers) have him kill her children, which would explain why they're waiting on batches of firstborn (if I cannot have my babies, then you cannot have yours).

    Anyways, she obviously doesn't forgive him at first, and tries to make a life in a new town. He agrees to accompany her because he is certain that the world will reject her, but he wants her to learn this lesson and come to hate humanity as he does. That's when they start infiltrating societies, and why they raze the towns. She tries to reestablish some semblance of a normal life in each town, but she is always discovered as a vampire, and the entire town (and anyone there who she thought she could trust) turns on her and tries to kill her.
    You could spin Aiden in either of two ways. Firstly, he might feel genuinely sorry for what he did (although doubtful - he's a vampire) and be waiting in the wings, ready to swoop in if her new life fails to make itself permanent. Secondly, the darker and more likely option is that he's part of the reason that she gets caught every time, because he doesn't want her to have a new life. The people who get close to her - especially men - start dropping like flies as Aiden kills them off before she can get too attached. Eventually, people come to suspect her, hunt her down, and Aiden plays the hero, pretending that he's following her out of guardianship and a sense of obligation, to further lure her down the path to damnation.
    In either case, once the town is obliterated, he parlays with them and sets up the first pacts about leaving offerings at the forests. Maybe that's the indication that she's fully embraced her life as a Vampire - one of the towns attempts to negotiate a truce, and while Aiden is willing to negotiate (thinking clearly, and thinking ahead), Kara refuses to allow it, and slaughters everyone, leaving a mountain of corpses in the town square. She's finally snapped, she hates the living as much as he does now.

    This might even explain where your monstrous summons come from. Kara is the monster in the forest that all the stories are about. With Kara driven to the brink of madness, Aiden proves to be the more levelheaded one, the ambassador who speaks on their behalf while she remains locked away in the castle as the grief-stricken weeping bride. In a Star-Wars style theme, Kara is the more powerful of the two; Aiden is driven by hatred, but Kara is driven by hatred and loss. Aiden might even regret having made her a vampire because of this. Whenever a town refuses to bend to Aiden's will, he unleashes Kara like an attack dog, and she descends on the world with all the fury of a woman scorned, summoning creatures of nightmare and leaving only destruction in her wake, before retreating back to the castle to sulk.
    Pts Values for AoS here!

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  12. #20
    Senior Member Ipshank's Avatar
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    514 (x7)

    I actually want her to remain sane (as far as that it possible after what she's been through and being alive for quite a few years, this all takes place a bit after the Black Plague had run it's course) enough to be considered 'normal' company, for writing reasons mainly and I'm going to user her as my Vampire sorceress using the Bretonnian Damsel model game-wise. having her reduced to a barely contained killing machine somewhat cuts of that road :p.

    I'm a bit behind schedule I fear and might have to add another day to my deadline for it to be actually finished.

    Thanks for the ideas, I'll be using quite a bit in one way or another I believe.
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