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· Senior Member
314 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Could you post some joke about 40k here´s three iv'e heard:

How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three, one to screw it in, one to outlaw lightbulbs and one to deny lightbulbs ever existed.

How many space marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Onehundred, one to screw it in and ninetynine to prise the emperor.

How many Imperial guard does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, their lasguns will do just fine.

· LO's unofficial Jester
3,412 Posts
This is quite a long joke so bear with me:

An Imperial Guardsman is just about to go into battle for the first time against orks. He asks his sarge whether there is any special tactics for fighting them.
His Sarge replies "well if your fighting Grots and you find your out of ammo shout, Laser Laser laser laser at them while waving your gun around they are so stupid they will think you are shooting at them and they will run off, die of heart attacks etc"

And so half way through the battle the Guardsman finds himself away from his squad, out of ammo and wouldn't you know it fighting Grots! He decides to use the sarge's tip "LASER LASER LASER" he shouts and the Grots run while other fall down dead!.

He continues on looking for his squad when suddenly he feels a terrible pain shooting through his body as if he is being crushed, he looks up and sees a bunch of Grots going "TANK TANK TANK TANK"

· Registered
72 Posts
How many Commissars does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That number is not yet determined, they keep killing each other for not doing it just right.

· Registered
323 Posts

Three Inquisitors jump into a room;

1st inquisitor: Everyone expects the Imperial Inquisition!

2nd Inquisitor: Our main weapon is killing everyone who disagrees with us!

3rd inquisitor shoots everyone else in the room

1st inquisitor: Ummm, can we start again?

Yes its a Python reference.

· Registered
1,471 Posts
Courtesy of the Relic Forum, I present to you: The Longest 40k Joke List Ever!

I do believe that list contains every single 40k joke I’ve ever heard except one. Yes, that one. The bane of Warhammer forums everywhere, the joke we all love to hate. I’m of course referring to the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike joke. However, for fear of being hunted down by an angry mob of members with torches and pitchforks, I shall refrain from trying your patience with that most unfunny of all 40k jokes and just let you enjoy the joke list linked to above. ;)


· Registered
1,912 Posts
Those jokes are great. Didn't we have a similar thread to this awhile back, full of jokes? Idk if they were copied directly of there but they are very familiar, and not just because I read them off that site. Hmmm....

· señor brushman!
1,597 Posts
Hmm from using search function I found some of the following:

Are you ready for this? Okay.

Commandments of the Imperium: When Space Marines were created, the Emperor gave them a list of Commandments of which they were to follow. The list read as such:

1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter *****es," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of their "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first super-human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.

2. Thou shalt not comment on the odd shape of the Inquisitor's head.

3. Thou shalt not do "wheelies" or "donuts" on you bike.

4. Thou shalt not have a "kegger" on the eve of battle, thus making yourselves less effective on the morn.

5. Thou shalt not refer to the Almighty Emperor as "The Righteous Dead Dude."

6. Orks are not "cute!"

7. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.

8. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."

9. The Chapter Master is not a "drag".

10. Thou shalt not check to see if your bolt pistol is loaded by looking down the barrel!

11. Thou shalt not go on panty raids into Sister Of Battle monasteries.

12. Thou shalt not use thy scope for anything outside of battle. Anyone caught using them to spy out life mates shalt lose privileges.

13. Do not sell thy extra organs on the Black Market.

14. Though it is entertaining, thou shalt not wave a fly swatter near the Tyranid fleets.

15. Thou shalt not use thine chainsword as a backscratcher.

16. Thou shalt not use thine pistol as a q-tip.

17. Thou shalt not attempt to imitate heathen noise marines with "heavy metal" or "death metal" through thine com-speakers.

18. Although tempting, do not attempt to give a Tau a high-"five�.

19. Thou shalt not laugh at how small IG men are.

20. Thou shalt not bend to the will of nerds playing war games, and act upon your own free will.

21. Thou shalt not tap the glass on the Dreadnought.

22. Thou shalt not feed the Orks.

23. Thou shalt not transmit images of unclothed Sisters through the Astropaths.

24. Thou shalt not advertise on thine armour.

25. Thou shalt not wave fake skulls at the Berserkers.

26. Thou shalt not wave a red flag near a Chaos Dreadnought.

27. Thou shalt not tape pictures to your armour.

28. Thou shalt not release spiders inside the dreadnought.

29. Thou shalt not use they bolter to kill bees.

30. Thou shalt not sniff warp fumes.

31. Thou shalt eat thou rations.

32. Thou shalt not steal thy commander’s dinner.

33. Thou shalt not take the Predator for a walk.

34. Thou shalt not use the land raider to pick up chicks.

35. Thou shalt beware of strange noise in back of thy land raider.

36. Thou shalt guard thy bolter when camping with Imperial Guard.

37. Thou shalt not use bug bomb against the nids.

38. Thou shalt not play Internet games with Tzeentch.

39. Thou shalt not e-mail the emperor.

40. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor spam.

41. Thou should beware of thy Lictor behind cardboard bushes.

42. Terminators and glue do not mix.

43. Thou shalt not spray paint armour to make it look cool.

44. Thou shalt not have water gun fights with lasguns. (the guard needs them)

45. Thou shalt not juggle power weapons.

46. Thou shalt not hide video links in the Sisters of Battle's monastery.

47. Grenades are not water balloons.

48. Thou shalt not use insect repellent against Tyranids.

49. Thou shalt not use waterguns against Necron.

50. Thou shalt not ***** on the Iron Halo.

51. Daemons are not your friends.

52. Barney the Dinosaur is not your friend.

53. Barney is a heretic.

54. Barney merchandise are simply prohibited.

55. Barney is not a Tyranid

56. Digimon are not in the 40K universe. Really.

57. Digimon are not affiliated with the Necron.

58. Pokemon are not Digimon!

59. Pokemon are not fun to play with.

60. Thou shalt not steal candy from babies/orks/gretchin/Commissars.

61. Don’t play “Truth or Dare� with Sisters.

62. Don’t play “Spin the Bottle� with Sisters.

63. Don’t play “Hangman� with the Inquisitor or Berserker.

64. Thou shalt ignore strange voices in your head.

65. Thou shalt not put a cork in the Inquisitors pistol.

66. Thou shalt not use the Lasgun as a flashlight.

67. Thou shalt not hide the Land Raider in a lake.

68. The Land Raider is not a hotel room!

69. Spiking the beer is forbidden.

70. Shotguns are not practice guns.

71. Lasguns don’t make cool disco lights for your party.

72. Pixie wings are not jump packs.

73. Thou shalt no replace the Librarians staff with a "Magician’s Wand�

74. Thy shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.

75. Thou shalt not attempt to kill Tyranids with Mortein.

76. Thou shalt not do it to @#%$.

77. Thou shalt not do it to Nurgle (who would?)

78. Thou shalt not refer to Lasguns as torches.

79. Guard will not be referred to as 'spotlighters'

80. ‘Murder in the dark’ is prohibited when Chaos forces are captured.

81. Thou shalt not make fun of Chaos’ rusty Power Armour. (We need someone decent to fight with)

82. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.

83. Don’t give ‘Fairy wings to Eldar’

84. Thou shalt not make liposuction jokes around Eldar.

85. Thou shalt not return books late.

86. Thou shalt not trade thine bike for a skateboard.

87. Thou shalt not ignore the Chaplain as he recites the tales of Spot the Dog.

88. Putting corks into the engines of a Landspeeder is not funny.

89. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.

90. Darth Vader isn’t the son of Abaddon.

91. Thou shalt not stay awake after “lights out� unless expressly ordered.

92. Thou shalt not use the sentinel Powerlifter as a babe-magnet for the sisters.

93. If thou lose thine hand you shalt not nab one of the Imperial Guard.

94. Thou shalt not waterfight with civilians.

95. “It makes a funny noise� is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.

96. “He started it� is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.

97. Thou shalt not get a Sister intoxicated for thy own pleasures.

98. Thou shalt not play monster with Orks.

99. Thou shalt not taunt a Dreadnaught within reach of his foot by calling him "The Tin Man" from “Wizard of Oz�.

100. Thou shalt not sexually harass the servitors even if they won’t notice.

101. Thou shalt not have an ice cream Superfantasical Day.

102. Thou's name is not GiX.

103. Thou shalt not smoke/inhale/inject illegal pharmaceuticals into thy holy body even though your advanced physiological structure could probably withstand the effects.

104. Thou shalt not put "Ecstasy" in the punch when Battle Sisters arrive for a formal meeting with the Chapter's Authorities.

105. Thou shalt not practise vampiric tendencies despite your urge to do so.

106. Thou shalt not howl when the Chapter Master bends over. (Full Moon Out Tonight!)

107. You shalt not dare others to eat that squiggly thing.

108. You shalt not comment on being a better shot then the inquisitor.

109. The chaplain is not too preachy.

110. Gambling for grots is not allowed.

111. Your sergeant is not a pugy *****.

112. You shalt not smack the sister’s butt and then wink at her.

113. The lab research Tyranids are not for emergency rations.

114. Thou shalt not take the emperor titan for a spin.

115. Thou shalt not use a flamer to cook a whole cow and leave none for the others.

116. Thou shalt not set fly strips outside your tent in a Tyranid war zone.

117. Thou shalt not wear Lord Commander Dante's Death Mask (or any Death Masks at all for that matter) on Halloween, any other masquerade parties or for fun, when not in battle!

118. Thou shalt not try to see how much a Death Company marine can take (physical and/or psychical)!

119. Thou shalt not put "tags" on the Holy Shrouds and/or Banners or write on it in anyway at all.

120. Rico’s Roughnecks are not real.

121. Thou shalt not over-charge thou bike!

122. Thou shalt not use the over-charged engines for "drag-racing"!

123. Thou shalt not have a Blood-party (as in tea-party) with Mephiston during battle!

124. Thou shalt not play "no blinking" with Mephiston!

125. Thou shalt not give Tycho an Ork for his Birthday (or any day at all for that matter, or speak him about Orks).

126. Thou shalt not release Morriar from his restrainment or tap in his vital liquids!

127. Thou shalt not ask the Sanguinary Priest for something to drink!

128. Thou shalt obey these 10 Commandments! (Isn't it hard counting when being a scout?)

129. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to "fry your diner"!

130. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to get “KFC� or “Macca’s�.

131. Thou shalt not kill each other because "thou are the real Sanguinous".

132. Thou shalt not make wounds to resemble the wounds of thou mighty Primarch...the Chaplain paint these on your armour!

133. Thou shalt not "make bunny-ears" with thy fingers behind the Chaplain whilst he gives battle-orders.

134. Thou shalt not indulge in squig eating contests.

135. Thou shalt not fake death in order to get blood from the Sanguinary Priests.

136. Thou shalt keep thou armour on, although thou might think thou are invincible, thou DO need thou armour!

137. Thou shalt not fall asleep whilst the Chaplain is in prayer.

138. Thou shalt not use thy weapons upon thyself, thou still can get hurt.

139. Thou shalt not jump out in front of the Rhino to get into the fight whilst still in motion...wait for orders to disembark!

140. Thou shalt look both ways before crossing the street.

141. Thou shalt not try to "steal" assaults away from battle-brothers....they are allowed some fun too!

142. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (In a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)

143. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Tyranid's mighty One-Eyed monster (eye, pirate matey... guk!).

144. Thou shalt not mistake the Harlequin's Kiss for some fruity clown prank.

145. Thou shalt not light cigarettes near the Hellhounds.

146. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.

147. Genestealers ARE NOT trying to rob you of your denim trousers.

148. Thou shalt not chase thy Gretchen with a fork.

149. Thou shalt not call the firearms of the Imperial Guard “Sega Lock-Ons�.

150. Thou shalt not call the Adeptus Arbites “pigs� or “the filth�.

151. Thou shalt not place buckets of water over the Inquisitors door.

152. Inquisitors are not “Nigel no friends�

153. Thou shalt not use thou's laser sight to blind Imperial Guard.

154. Thou shalt not remove the Imperial Guards power packs from their Lasguns while they are asleep.

155. Thou shalt not play “frisbee� with a Tau Shield Drone.

156. Remember a Primach is for life not for Christmas.

157. Thou shalt not eat toast in your power armour ( I'm not going to hoover the crumbs out of the toes again).

158. Thou shalt not put fridge magnets on thy power armour (Even if you have been to Cornwall).

159. Thou shalt not tune into FM rock on your intercom.

160. Thou shalt not put bananas in the commander's rhino's exhaust pipes.

161. Thou shalt not hang "Pine Fresh" on Moriar (even if he is a bit ripe by now!)

162. Scented Pine Trees hanging off Rear Vision mirrors in favour of the Dice, is now prohibited.

163. Thou shalt not offer to clean the sister's armour whilst they change.

164. Thou shalt not use Power weapons or Chain-weapons to cut your food.

165. Thou shalt remove the batteries from weapons to put in your RC toys.

166. Thou shalt not swap the salt and pepper.

167. Thou shalt not play "I see, I see what you don't see" over the intercom during battles!

168. Thou shalt not "go out to get cigarettes" during prayers!

167. Thou shalt not make remarks about the physical appearance of Sisters.

168. Thou shalt not swap your battle-brothers gun with a waterpistol.

169. Thou shalt not participate in any intoxication (i.e. alcohol) contests with Imperial Guards.

170. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if her armour isn't too small.

171. Thou shalt not ask a Sister about her age.

172. “No� means “No�.

173. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if you might donate some of your own Gene-seed.

174. Thou shalt not make cat-sounds when Sisters argue.

175. Thou shalt refer to Sister Supreme as 'Mistress'.

176. Thou shalt not refer to Ork Dreadnoughts as 'garbage bins'.

177. Thou shalt not make funny noises during a speech/prayer.

178. Thou shalt not "play shooting range" with Gretchen’s.

179. Thou shalt not brag about how many you've killed with a Dark Eldar.

180. Thou shalt not write or "put tags" on vehicles and/or armour.

181. Thou shalt not use Servitors to catch your paper.

182. Thou shalt not play "fetch" with Tyranids using grenades.

183. Thou shalt not yell “catfight!� when Sisters argue.

184. Thou shalt not press the buttons in a demolisher tank.

185. Thou shalt not hum cartoon theme songs when around the Tau (like Smurfs)

186. Thou shalt not refuse the Sisters your chocolate rations, especially during the time of their "Red rage".

187. Thou shalt never refer to the size of a Sisters rear armour.

188. Thou shalt always offer to rub a Sisters feet after battle. I need not explain why.

189. Thou shalt always carry thine universal remote control when facing necrons.

190. Thou shalt never offer to sell your soul to the Dark Eldar for beer money. Not even in jest.

191. Thou shalt never ask a Daemonette for some "handiwork", else though will have to join the Sisters.

192. Thou shalt not remind your commander how many times he has been slain by the badly coloured Tyranid.

193. Thou shalt leave the plasma gun well and truly alone.

194. Thou shalt not play Russian roulette with automatic weapons. It doesn't work (or it does too well, actually).

195. Thou shalt not shave the Space Wolves while they are asleep .

196. Thou shalt not load the dice.

197. Thou shalt not move that extra little inch in movement phase.

198. Thou shalt not fire thy bolter at enemies you can't really see but at a leg sticking out of a building.

199. Thou shalt follow thy rulebook.

200. Thou shalt not make up rules.

201. Thou are not fearless... thou art fearless... ugh anyone got a codex?

202. Thou shalt not laugh at the cultist.

203. Thou shalt beware of bird poo when greater daemon of Tzeentch is around.

204. Thou shalt not throw soap at Nurglings.

205. Thou shalt not use penicilan tipped bolts in your boltgun against Nurglings.

206. Thou shalt not waste thy 15 minutes free time trying to get laid.

207. Thou shalt beware of possesed 2 liter coke bottles.

208. Thou shalt not stare at feet during the battle march.

209. Thou shalt not aim at thy commanders back.

210. Thou shalt watch thy foot steps.

211. Beware of the drunken Leman Russ.

212. Thou shalt not binge drink with the Imperial Guard.

213. Thou shalt not challenge a Daemon Prince to a fist fight.

214. Thou art not unexpendable.

215. Thou shalt look before thou leaps.

216. Thou shalt not bring your sack lunch to battle.

217. Thou shalt not use they bike as a battering ram.

218. Thou shalt beware of potholes and speedbumps.

219. Lord Login is not "Wolfie".

220. Seraphims do not want to join the "Mile High Club".

221. Spiky bits are not meant for hanging laundry on.

222. Ultra scout is not "little boy blue".

223. Never refer to the Cannoness as "big momma".

224. Thou shalt not put “kick me� signs on thou brothers backs.

225. Thou shalt not nail nurglings to the back of the rhino as fuzzy decorations.

226. Thou shalt not put itching powder in a Dreadnought.

227. Thou shalt not wink suggestively at Daemonettes.

228. Thou shalt not use can openers on Ork Dreadnoughts.

229. Thou shalt not replace the commissars' comm-link with a plasma grenade for a laugh.

230. Thou shalt not refer to Armoured companies as agorophobes.

231. Thou shalt not ask techmarines to put mag wheels on your bike.

232. Thou shalt not use a looted Terrorfex for Halloween.

233. Thou shalt not sneak into the rock while the Dark angels are asleep and discover that their secret is that all the high ranking angels wear dresses. Er... oops...

234. Thou shalt not invite babes back to the monastery.

235. Thou shalt not spike drinks with Sanguinius’ blood.

236. Thou shalt not step on Guardsmen and then say that you didn't see them.

237. Thou shalt not refer to Paul Sawyer as "The Great Unclean One".

238. Thou shalt not call a Dark Angel "Jessica Alba".

239. Thou shalt not give a Sister of Battle breast implants.

230. Neither shalt thou ask wether those “guns� are real or not.

231. Thou shalt never say anything about the Squats.

232. Thou shalt not overheat a plasmagun for a college prank.

233. Thou shalt not give the Death Company caffine.

234. Thou shalt not insult a Thousand Son about his penis.

235. Thou shalt not taunt a Space Wolf with a piece of steak.

236. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.

237. Thou shalt not poop thy power armor.

238. Thou shalt not make mention of the irony that a Grot blaster is a Lasgun, only the Orks admit it is crappy.

239. Thou shalt not overclock thine pentium and use it as a plasma weapon.

240. Thou shalt not intentionally overheat a plasma weapon and give it to an IG. (Hey thanks mate!... What’s that bleeping sound?... SPLAT)

241. Thou shalt not trip over Tau.

242. Thou shalt not attempt to steal a Tau's weapon "to give to the poor Guardsmen".

243. Thou shalt not moon the Tau in combat. They are good shots.

244. Thou shalt not invoke the wraith of conures. If you are foolish enough to do so, a conure the size of two to four titans shalt decend upon the table and inflict his wraith.

245. Thou shalt not attempt to borrow Tau stealth suits so that you might spy on the sisters in their quarters.

246. Thou shalt not attempt to rebuild a Necron as a washing machine.

247. Thou shalt not laugh at the poorly painted armies. (Haha look at that purple Tau!... Guk!)

248. Thou shalt not play “fetch� with a Kroot flesh-hound using a guardsman.

249. Thou shalt not go big game fishing for Manta Missile Destroyers.

250. Thou shalt not try to change the batteries on a Scarab.

251. Thou shalt not use the Blades of Reason to trim thy fingernails.

252. Thou shalt not feed the warp beasts.

253. Thou shalt not pet the Kroot hounds.

254. Thou shalt not ask the Sisters whether it's dyed or real.

255. Thou shalt not call Old One Eye "Surf and Turf".

256. Thou shalt not moonlight as a security guard if thine armour is red.

257. Thou shalt not use the Hellhound to cook thy rations.

258. Thou shalt not use thy power armours’ vid-link to prank call the Imperial Guard storm troopers.

259. Thou shalt not sneak up on thy commanding officer, and yell "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD" in his ear.

260. Thy bolter is not to be used to shoot cans off walls.

261. Thou shalt not steal the Land Speeder to "pick up Sisters".

262. The Leman Russ is not a kettle. Do not attempt to use it to make tea. Nor coffee.

263. Thou shalt not attempt to empty your waste-paper basket into an Ork Dreadnought.

264. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino as a "Clown Car", althought thy might think it is.

265. When throwing they holiest of His grenades always count to three, yes three, not one, for it is not the holiest of numbers, or two, for the holiness of two pales in comparison, but three, yes three, not one or two, unless thou shalt be proceeding to three.

266. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".

267. Thou shalt not use blind grenades to sneak into the Sister's encampment.

268. Thou shalt not mention the name "Buffy" when near the Blood Angels.

269. Thou shalt not use Necron Scarabs as "Boogie Boards".

270. Thou shalt not call Harlequins “psychadelic� nor “groovy�

271. Thou Shalt never show an army of orks more than two Harlequins at once.

272. Thou shalt never laugh at the laughing god.

273. Thou shalt never play “Hide and Seek� with Librarians or Inquisitors.

274. Thou shalt not play “tag� with Gaunts.

275. Thou shalt never tie power armour laces together.

276. Thou shalt never say "Resistance is futile" to the Adeptus Mechanicus.

277. Thou shalt never criticize the “paper boys� in the Adeptus Administratum.

278. Thou shalt not sell chapter property (e.g. battlebarge, fortress monestary) on eBay.

279. Thou shalt not put a cork in thine battle brothers waste disposal outlet tube (WDOT).

280. Thou shoult not "entertain" The Adeptus Sororitas in your billet.

281. Thou shalt not refer to Imperial Guardsmen as "Cannon fodder".

282. The Imperial Guard Colonel did not visit a fancy-dress shop.

283. The lasgun is not to be used to carve your name into the Land Raider's/ Predator's/ Rhino's/ Razorbacks/ Leman Russ's/ Titan's armour plating. (It won’t work anyway)

284. Thou shalt not lend Imperial Guardsmen your power armour or swap places for a day with Guardsmen.

285. Thou shalt not try to perform brain surgery wearing power armour.

286. Thou shalt not assume that because you can take a bolter hit in the head, the Guardsman over there can too.

287. Thou shalt not use Tau shoulder pads as padding in games of cricket.

288. Thou shalt not hide the keys to the battle barge.

289. Thou shalt not call Ork Dreadnoughts/Killer Kans "R2-D2's big brother".

290. Thou shalt not threaten thy enemy with a "plasma enema" and thou shalt not carry out the act.

291. Thou shalt not flirt with the Banshee. They are the enemy.

292. Thou can not date a Dark Eldar Wych. They are the enemy too.

292. Thou shalt not steal the Battle Sisters makeup.

293. Thou shalt not try on the Battle Sisters armour to see if it compares to your own.

294. Thou shalt not make fun of Warp Spiders guns.

295. Thou shalt not take the Land Raider for a joy ride.

296. Thou shalt not perform dare devil stunts in the Rhino. Especially if thine bretheren are in the back.

297. Thou shalt not hijack the Battle Sisters Immolator. Especially if there are any Battle Sisters still on board!

298. Thou shalt not add bits to thine armour to try to pass thineself off as a Battle Sister.

299. Thou shalt not try to dance with a Banshee on the field of battle.

300. Thou shalt not throw sticks for the Space Wolves.

301. Thou shalt not play “fetch� with the Space Wolf Commanders “pet� Fenrisson Wolves.

302. Thou shalt not keep a Tyranid as a pet.

303. Thou shalt not challenge a Carnifex to a game of “catch�.

304. Thou can not tie a Wraithlords laces together (they don't have any).

305. Thou shalt not call a Battle Sister “babe�.

306. Thou shalt not be envious of the IG unit who art friends to the Sister Famulous!

307. Thou shalt not steal the Tau pulserifles, even if they are better than bolters.

308. Thou shalt not stick “Honk if you think I'm sexy� on the Sisters Rhino.

309. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying “Honk if you think I'm sexy� on a Sister's Rhino.

310. Thou shalt not ask thy battle sister if they would like to slip into something more comfortable.

311. The hellhound is not somthing you put on a leash and take for "walkies".

312. Thou shalt not armwrestle with Tactical Dreadnoughts.

313. Thou shalt not watch whilst the battle sisters change out of their power armour.

314. Ork Warbosses are not toys, you can not try to pull thier arms off and jump up and down on them.

315. Dont kick Grots.

316. Thou Shalt not slice three toes off each foot of the Tau and see how well they walk.

317. Thou shalt not relieve thy self behind a tree during battle.

318. Thou shalt not go to thy great emporer and make him "perform an illegal operation and be shut down".

319. Thou shalt not wrestle thy battle sisters and try to "pin them down".

320. An Iron Halo is not a toy.

321. A tank is not a toy.

322. A Dreadnought is not a toy.

323. Thou shalt not jump on the back of a Dreadnought in battle and see how long you can stay on.

324. Thou shalt not play toy soldiers with the Guardsmen.

325. The Space Hulk is not a wrestler.

326. Spiky bitz are not 'cool'.

327. Khorne is a Chaos God not a food.

328. Thou shalt not use power claws as scissors.

329. Thou shalt not use power armour power points to plug in thy gameboy.

330. Thou shalt not use hellions skyboards to impress the sisters.

331. Thou shalt not place a flashing light on top of the rhino so that it is easier to find in the car park.

332. if showing a tau how your boltgun works you will not give it to him the wrong way round.

333. A Necron is not a Mecano kit

334. Nurglings are not over date

Failed Space Marine legion-names:

Bright Angels
Emperor's Grandchildren
Rabid Wolves
Blood Donators
Iron Feet
World Munchers
Mental Legion
Life Guard
999 Sons
Microsoft Word Bearers
Beta Legion
Angels of Imperialism
Black Muslims
Heavy Metal Warriors
Black Monks
Water Rats
Insect Legion
White Warriors
Black Panthers
Storm Midgets
Nice Weather Lords

101 Uses for a Lasgun

Warming soup.
When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ.
Disco effects/pyrotechnics.
Cigarette lighter.
Changing T.V. channels.
Selling to get funds for a better weapon.
Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage)
Using for grave marking for IG troops.
Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage)
Skeet shooting.
A cooking utensil.
Looking slightly menacing.
Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight.
Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly
Burning ants

Things you will NEVER see in the 40k universe:

Space Marine Girl Scouts
Sisters of battle Fire Engine
Sane World Eaters
A Space Marine carrying a dead gretchin as a battle-trophy
A gretchin carrying a battle-trophy
A Vegetarian Blood Angel
An Eldar way-stone at the Lost & Found
A crying Space Marine (oops! sorry, Lamenters
A Night Lord sunbathing
A plague marine polishing his armour
A Tau giving a high-five
A retreating Death Company Space Marine (if you DO see this, you're probably doomed)
A Khorne Berzerker leaving a skull behind
The Golden Throne caretakers on strike
An assassin, before it's too late...
A remote controlled Necron
A meeting at the BDA (Blood Drinkers Anonymous, Blood Angels only)
Games Workshop charging what models are ACTUALLY worth

Thou shalt not use a Tau Pusle Rifle as a toothpick.
Thou shalt not make jokes about the Tau looking 'blue' when you beat them

Ones for the Tau...
Thou Shalt not pet the Kroot Hound.
Thou Shalf not call the Ethereal's "Baldy"
Thou Shalt not engage in Bondage...unless it involves the knife. :eek:
Thou shalt not "pimp thy Crisis Suit"
-The Doctor

The only excuse thou may have for being afraid of a Tau is having being raped by a fish as a small child.

what do you call a lasgun with a laser-pointer attatched to the top?
twin linked

Joke 1.

A group of sisters of battle(aka bolter *****es) are being taken to an imperial base after a mission.
The Pilot comes on over the intercom to tell the sisters that tehy will be landing in a few minutes. He forgets to to turn of the intercom.

The co-pilot asks, "what are you going to do, back down at base?"
The pilot replies, "Well, first, im going to take *****, all those days space. but hey, you know that pretty sergeant we got back there? Well i going to wine her and dine her and show her some things they dont teach you in the training manual, eh"

the intercom has been on the whole time.

On hearing this the sisters of battle sergeant jumps up and runs to the door intent on beatin the crap out of the pilot, instead she, trips on a loose peice of equipment. A newbie SoB sees this and says, "hang on searge, he has to take a ***** first...

joke 2.

A Space Wolf, A blood Angel and a Drk Angel are all sitting at a bar. They all order a beer. The Dark angel looks into his beer and sees a fly. He wails "The emperor has forsaken me for my brothers mistake, I must repent" He huffs out of the bar, pulling his robes tighter.

The blood angel looks down and also sees a fly. He mutters something, then, his face glazes over and he proceeds to shred the bar to peices, throwing tables and the like.

The Space wolf also looks down to see a fly in his beer. using his magnified vision, he zoom sin on the fly. Suddenly he growls "I saw that, i saw it, spit it out you little yellow bellied rascal"

Joke 3.

A sergeant is talking to his squad about the horrors he has faced. Orks, nids, Choas.

A little while later he is talking to one of the new recruits. He says "out of all the oponents i have ever faced, orks are the hardest to beat. Execpt grots. Listen sunny, if you are ever facing the green bastards, and you wepon fails, just make your hand like a gun, point and say in a loud clear voice "BANG", because they know hen they hear that sound there going to die anyway, so they just die to save themselves the pain.

Sure enough about 2 months later, at the second battle for armageddon, they young gaurdsman encouteres some grots, when, sure enough his weapon fails. He reember the seargents words, and makes his hand like a gun and starts shouting "BANG, BANG, BANG". To his amazement grots all around start to die. He keeps going. More and more dide, he just cant believe it.

Finally there was one grot left. he just couldnt make it die. He shouted LOUDER and LOUDER. Suddenly he stopped and all he could hear was a little high pitched voice shouting " A TANK, A TANK" suddnly he felt a HUGE force wipe over his body as the grot made impact. That was the last thing he ever saw.

What do Sisters of Battle say after making love?

"Are you boys all in the same platoon?"

And just for the hell of it, some Q and A
Q: How many space marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100, one to screw it in and 99 to praise the Emperor.

Q: How many Guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, their lasguns work fine.

Q: How many Wraithlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, if you use THREE, we will all claim it is beardy.

Q: How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to outlaw lightbulbs, and one to deny the existence of lightbulbs.

Q: How many Tau does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't screw them in. Their helmets are equipped with infra-red, heat and motion scanners along with camera linked to their drones which means they have to do no work at all themselves.

Q: How many Squats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh, wait. GW doesn't support them any more.

Q: How many Forgeworld light bulbs does it take to light a room?
A: Just one, but it is a deluxe halogen bulb at 250 watts and costs $87.

enough from me

Btw i found ALL of these on the internet and take no claim that they are my own.

Q: How many slaanesh cultists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Well two obviously, but don't ask me how they got in there!

These are all off Grim Stalkers Imperial Guard, but he's a good guy and I don't think he'll mind:

An Ork, Space Marine and Eldar are walking down the road. They see a Chaos portal that has a sign on it. It says: 'say what is true or be sucked in'. The Space Marine says: "I think I'm the bravest" and walks past safely, the Eldar says: "I think I'm the most agile" and walks past safely. The Ork says: "I thinks..." and gets sucked into the portal.
- Marc Harris


ELDAR: ***** happens
DARK ELDAR: We ran off before the ***** happened
IMPERIAL GUARD: ***** happens with big guns
SPACE MARINES: The Emperor will save us from deep *****
ULTRAMARINES: Roboute saved the emperor from *****
DARK ANGELS: We caused ***** and have yet to be
CHAOS SPACE MARINES: The Emperor is *****
WORLD EATERS: We'll collect skulls so that *****
doesn't happen to us.
NECRONS: We're gonna cause so much ***** to happen that
***** will never happen again
TAU: ***** will happen to everyone but us
ORKS: What is *****?
TYRANIDS: This galaxy is our new piece of *****
SISTERS OF BATTLE: Male supremacy is a load of *****

- Jan DeWit

Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:
"We're outta ammo?"
"Khorne Beserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"
"You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"
"Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"
"Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."
"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"
"You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"
"You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"
"Fix bayonets!"
"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"
"We missed our shooting phase?"
"Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside."
Colonel: "We're gonna die! We should all flee!"
Commissar: "Just this once, I agree with you!"
"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"
"Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"
"Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"
"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates..."
"Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"
"I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"
"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a club, and it still...uh oh."
"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"

Space Marine Commandments:
1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter *****es," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
2. Orks are not "cute."
3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (in a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag."
14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings.
17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino.
20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino.
21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".

This is just a tiny sampliing go to:

Grim Stalkers Imperial Guard
-Sergei Mikhailavich Gorbachev


· Registered
9 Posts
The Space Marines and eldar have made an aliance on some plant.
Well a Space Marine scout and a male Eldar Scout are heading back to base in a open toped transport to report what they saw. Half way there the Space Marine spots a sheep with his head stuck in a fence, he says "stop the transport i got to get me some of this ****" so he goes and starts shagging the sheep in the "anus". Half way through he yells back to the Eldar saying "want some of this ****". The Eldar says "hell yeah" and runs and sticks his head in the fence.

Dam Eldar!!!!!!!

One thing i thougt was rather funny when playing my friend how has tau. Telling him there third eye looked like a second vagina, Making easier for my Space Marines to Skull "SHAG" them

· Registered
9 Posts
A Tau Fire Warrior potral 150 tau is potraling through a desert. On a hill up ahead the tau captain spots a necked Space Marine on top a hill. The Necked man yells" a necked space marine can beat a full geared fire warrior any day".So the Tau Captain sends his best man to lay waste to this fool. The tau runs up the hill and dissapears behind it with the space marine. The Space Marine comes back out and Yells "A necked space marine can beat 20 full geared tau any day. The Tau captain tired of wasting time sends 20 men to kill him" So the tau run up the hill and disappear behind it with the space marine. The Space Marine appears again and yells "a Space Marine can beat 100 tau any day" the Commander obviously infuriated send the rest of the potral after him and they dissappear behind the mountain. On brutaly beaten tau stampers back to the captain panting "its a trick theres 2 of them.

A Eldar walks into a bar does a siluate with a back spin and lands on the bar stool perfectly. the Bartender says" you must be a Gymnast"
The Eldar says "yes" and orders a drink
another Eldar walks into the bar does a siluate with a triple back spin and lands on the barstool perfectly.
the Bartender says" you must be a Gymnast too"
The Eldar says " yes" and orders a drink
A Space Marine enters the bar and does a siluate with a triple backspin with a triple 360 and lands with a thud on the floor
the Bartender says " are you alright, You must be another Gymnast too"
The Space Marine says " no i sliped on the front rugg"

these are just jokes i heard and made them warhammerish
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