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First part of a story I'm writing. The Grand Company and characters are from my own IW army.
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Colluvius looked at the darkening sky. It had been four weeks since the 14th Grand Company of the Iron Warriors had descended from the sky. Four weeks since the planet Kesram had been invaded. In those four weeks, the Iron Warriors had lain siege to the world's capital city Valdiss, and completely obliterated the defence forces stationed there with contemptuous ease. Now the Iron Warriors had reinforced the city walls and buildings, making its defences more formidable than it had ever been before, when it was untainted by Chaos.
And tainted it was. On Kesram, the nights had always been longer and colder than on most civilised worlds, but now the forces of Chaos had turned their gaze upon it. The darkness was different now. It wasn't simply the absence of light, it was tangible, as if a thick, choking cloud descended upon the planet. It had started raining six days ago, and it hadn't diminished a bit in those days. In fact, it had gradually become heavier. And it wasn't raining water. It was raining blood.

Colluvius wondered how much longer they'd stay here. The Grand Company's chief sorceror, Taran, had directed them to this world. Quite what Taran's visions had been was unknown to Colluvius. The sorceror hadn't told anyone save the Warsmith what he had seen. Perhaps the highest amongst the Chosen, those who were allowed to use tactical dreadnought armour, and who made up the Warsmith's personal bodyguard, knew more, but they would never speak to anyone about it.
He spat, the saliva slowly eating through the concrete he stood on. He had fought in countless wars, and had seen cities like Valdiss fall to the Iron Warriors dozens of times. That he wasn't informed of the reason for this siege didn't bother him. That there was absolutely nothing to do after they had taken the city did. The preparations for the siege had taken a week, the battle itself had only taken four days, thanks to the city's laughable defences. With so little resistance, nothing of interest could possibly exist on this world. The days after the battle had been spent making the best part of the city a fortress. It was unlikely that they'd see any resistance, be it from what pockets of resistance remained on Kesram or from any world in its system. The Iron Warriors never took any chances, however. Paranoia, every Iron Warrior's precious companion, would drive them to leave absolutely nothing to chance.
It had been almost two weeks now since the the Warsmith had deemed the defences satisfactory. The inner city, where the wealthy and powerful used to live, was made into a military base. Much of the rest of the city had been demolished. Ruins still marked the landscape, and it was near one of these ruins that Colluvius was lost in thought. Today he and his squad of Iron Warriors were to patrol the perimeter around the inner city. If somehow there were enemy troops around, Colluvius and his squad would hunt them down, interrogate them, and eventually either force them to work as slaves, or kill them.
"Sir, movement spotted, north east.", said one of the Iron Warriors calmly. Colluvius looked up, and spotted a human form in the distance.
"Intercept target, remember: no serious injuries.", he ordered. Quickly and silently, the squad moved through the rubble covering the soil, each warrior ten yards from the other. They were closing on the intruder fast, only a hundred meters separating them from their prey. Colluvius saw it was an old man, moving slowly through the rubble. Suddenly he seemed to notice them. He uttered a high shriek, and stumbled away as quickly as he could. The Iron Warriors, having been detected, no longer had to move carefully. They ran after their prey, and Colluvius cut his lightning claw, the energy of the blades deactivated, through the man's ankle, making him fall face down in the dirt. He was bleeding a lot, but wouldn't die from this injury.
"Who are you, and what are you doing here?", snapped Colluvius.
"Please, don't... don't hurt me.", was the terrified reply. The Chaos space marine lifted the man up. Fear was painted all over his face. Not quite the look of a warrior.
"You did not answer my questions... try again, or die."
"I... I was just looking... for my family... and I..."
He ended in a gurgling sound, as blood flowed out of his mouth. Colluvius tore the man's lungs out, watching impassionately as the man twitched for a while, and died. He checked the now lifeless man's clothing. Aside of an autopistol, the man hadn't been carrying anything with him.
"Useless. See if there's anyone else around here." he ordered. His squad scanned the horizon, but no further contacts were found.
"Move out." he stated calmly. Colluvius wished he'd see some action soon. He knew his biological brother Fluvius had patrol duty on another side. Fluvius wasn't as aggressive as Colluvius, but he was a fine warrior. He also had the luck of running into a group of ten men the day before, butchering them all.
What was the point in consolidating their position here if they didn't do anything productive? There were no resources here, no factories to put to use. Taran better have a damn good reason for this waste of time.

Bartuc was angry. The Warsmith's second in command was one of the most ferocious warriors in the entire Grand Company. He hungered for true power, to lead an army of his own, and to walk the path to Daemonhood just like the Warsmith had. Holding a city that was unlikely to be attacked did not help to bring his goals any closer.
He never really liked the Sorceror. Sure, he was an Iron Warrior, but he was always busy with his magicks, and rarely took to the field of battle, quite unlike Bartuc himself. Bartuc saw this as a weakness in Taran, and if he truely hated anything in this universe, it was weakness.
He had just returned from the breach in the inner city's walls the Iron Warriors had created to pour in and take over the city. The breach had been cleared, the wall rebuilt where it was destroyed, and automated heavy bolter and lascannon turrets had been deployed in front of it. Like almost everywhere around the inner city, the buildings close to the wall had been demolished, and the entire space had been turned into a giant killing ground. Minefields, ditches, razorwire, everything that would slow an enemy down was used. Bartuc had supervised the construction of defences far more formidable than this one, but it was satisfactory, better than most imperial fortresses anyway, unless they had something especially valuable to guard. Bartuc was eager to hold this city against would be invaders,
preferably space marines. Bartuc had defended against imperial guard attacks, but they were laughable, always walking straight into killing zones, only to be butchered to a man. At least imperial space marines were able to put up a fight. Especially the imperial fists. He grinded his teeth at the thought of the Legion's sworn enemy. The imperial fists were the only ones who successfully attacked a position held by the 14th Grand Company. The fact that the Iron Warriors never had a chance to avenge this defeat was a dark stain on their honour, and Bartuc hoped he would some day face the imperial fists commander that led the operation. Imperial space marines didn't reach ages as high as the Traitor Marines, but this defeat happened little more than a century ago. Unless the emperor's lap dog got himself killed in battle, he was still out there somewhere. Bartuc had vowed he would find him, and slay him personally. He had been the one who supervised the Iron Warriors defence. He had been the one who had failed. He would be the one to restore the Grand Company's honour.
 

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nice story BiD. I like all the gore parts in the story. Not sure why i like them, i think i have this imaginary violence thing where i lie to tlak about killing and death. But anyway i love the story, can't wait for more.
 

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that was and excellent read! now you must write more!!!
 

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Firsly, I think you've used the wrong tense for the introductory paragraph... don't you think it jars? I'd recommend strenuously avoiding the phrase "had been"!!

Also, you use a lot of. very short. sentences. Try to use a combination of longer and shorter sentences, both for effect and for variety.

That said, you've created some interesting characters. I'll be interested to see if you can make something of them.
 

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It's the Hemingway effect. He writes just like Hemingway- if our shark-shooting friend wrote about Iron Warriors. That being said, a lot of Hemingway's work was very objective, which makes for a boring WH40k story. But the sentence patterns match.
 
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