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1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of their "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
2. Thou shalt not comment on the odd shape of the Inquisitor's head.
3. Thou shalt not do "wheelies" or "donuts" on you bike.
4. Thou shalt not have a "kegger" on the eve of battle, thus making yourselves less effective on the morn.
5. Thou shalt not refer to the Almighty Emperor as "The Righteous Dead Dude."
6. Orks are not "cute!"
7. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
8. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
9. The Chapter Master is not a "drag".
10. Thou shalt not check to see if your bolt pistol is loaded by looking down the barrel!
11. Thou shalt not go on panty raids into Sister Of Battle monasteries.
12. Thou shalt not use thy scope for anything outside of battle. Anyone caught using them to spy out life mates shalt lose privileges.
13. Do not sell thy extra organs on the Black Market.
14. Though it is entertaining, thou shalt not wave a fly swatter near the Tyranid fleets.
15. Thou shalt not use thine chainsword as a backscratcher.
16. Thou shalt not use thine pistol as a q-tip.
17. Thou shalt not attempt to imitate heathen noise marines with "heavy metal" or "death metal" through thine com-speakers.
18. Although tempting, do not attempt to give a Tau a "high-five�.
19. Thou shalt not laugh at how small IG men are.
20. Thou shalt not bend to the will of nerds playing war games, and act upon your own free will.
21. Thou shalt not tap the glass on the Dreadnought.
22. Thou shalt not feed the Orks.
23. Thou shalt not transmit images of unclothed Sisters through the Astropaths.
24. Thou shalt not advertise on thine armour.
25. Thou shalt not wave fake skulls at the Berserkers.
26. Thou shalt not wave a red flag near a Chaos Dreadnought.
27. Thou shalt not tape pictures to your armour.
28. Thou shalt not release spiders inside the dreadnought.
29. Thou shalt not use they bolter to kill bees.
30. Thou shalt not sniff warp fumes.
31. Thou shalt eat thou rations.
32. Thou shalt not steal thy commander’s dinner.
33. Thou shalt not take the Predator for a walk.
34. Thou shalt not use the land raider to pick up chicks.
35. Thou shalt beware of strange noise in back of thy land raider.
36. Thou shalt guard thy bolter when camping with Imperial Guard.
37. Thou shalt not use bug bomb against the nids.
38. Thou shalt not play Internet games with Tzeentch.
39. Thou shalt not e-mail the emperor.
40. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor spam.
41. Thou should beware of thy Lictor behind cardboard bushes.
42. Terminators and glue do not mix.
43. Thou shalt not spray paint armour to make it look cool.
44. Thou shalt not have water gun fights with lasguns. (the guard needs them)
45. Thou shalt not juggle power weapons.
46. Thou shalt not hide video links in the Sisters of Battle's monastery.
47. Grenades are not water balloons.
48. Thou shalt not use insect repellent against Tyranids.
49. Thou shalt not use waterguns against Necron.
50. Thou shalt not piss on the Iron Halo.
51. Daemons are not your friends.
52. Barney the Dinosaur is not your friend.
53. Barney is a heretic.
54. Barney merchandise are simply prohibited.
55. Barney is not a Tyranid
56. Digimon are not in the 40K universe. Really.
57. Digimon are not affiliated with the Necron.
58. Pokemon are not Digimon!
59. Pokemon are not fun to play with.
60. Thou shalt not steal candy from babies/orks/gretchin/Commissars.
61. Don’t play “Truth or Dare� with Sisters.
62. Don’t play “Spin the Bottle� with Sisters.
63. Don’t play “Hangman� with the Inquisitor or Berserker.
64. Thou shalt ignore strange voices in your head.
65. Thou shalt not put a cork in the Inquisitors pistol.
66. Thou shalt not use the Lasgun as a flashlight.
67. Thou shalt not hide the Land Raider in a lake.
68. The Land Raider is not a hotel room!
69. Spiking the beer is forbidden.
70. Shotguns are not practice guns.
71. Lasguns don’t make cool disco lights for your party.
72. Pixie wings are not jump packs.
73. Thou shalt no replace the Librarians staff with a "Magician’s Wand�
74. Thy shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
75. Thou shalt not attempt to kill Tyranids with Mortein.
76. Thou shalt not do it to @#%$.
77. Thou shalt not do it to Nurgle (who would?)
78. Thou shalt not refer to Lasguns as torches.
79. Guard will not be referred to as 'spotlighters'
80. ‘Murder in the dark’ is prohibited when Chaos forces are captured.
81. Thou shalt not make fun of Chaos’ rusty Power Armour. (We need someone decent to fight with)
82. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
83. Don’t give ‘Fairy wings to Eldar’
84. Thou shalt not make liposuction jokes around Eldar.
85. Thou shalt not return books late.
86. Thou shalt not trade thine bike for a skateboard.
87. Thou shalt not ignore the Chaplain as he recites the tales of Spot the Dog.
88. Putting corks into the engines of a Landspeeder is not funny.
89. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
90. Darth Vader isn’t the son of Abaddon.
91. Thou shalt not stay awake after “lights out� unless expressly ordered.
92. Thou shalt not use the sentinel Powerlifter as a babe-magnet for the sisters.
93. If thou lose thine hand you shalt not nab one of the Imperial Guard.
94. Thou shalt not waterfight with civilians.
95. “It makes a funny noise� is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
96. “He started it� is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
97. Thou shalt not get a Sister intoxicated for thy own pleasures.
98. Thou shalt not play monster with Orks.
99. Thou shalt not taunt a Dreadnaught within reach of his foot by calling him "The Tin Man" from “Wizard of Oz�.
100. Thou shalt not sexually harass the servitors even if they won’t notice.
101. Thou shalt not have an ice cream Superfantasical Day.
102. Thou's name is not GiX.
103. Thou shalt not smoke/inhale/inject illegal pharmaceuticals into thy holy body even though your advanced physiological structure could probably withstand the effects.
104. Thou shalt not put "Ecstasy" in the punch when Battle Sisters arrive for a formal meeting with the Chapter's Authorities.
105. Thou shalt not practise vampiric tendencies despite your urge to do so.
106. Thou shalt not howl when the Chapter Master bends over. (Full Moon Out Tonight!)
107. You shalt not dare others to eat that squiggly thing.
108. You shalt not comment on being a better shot then the inquisitor.
109. The chaplain is not too preachy.
110. Gambling for grots is not allowed.
111. Your sergeant is not a pugy bastard.
112. You shalt not smack the sister’s butt and then wink at her.
113. The lab research Tyranids are not for emergency rations.
114. Thou shalt not take the emperor titan for a spin.
115. Thou shalt not use a flamer to cook a whole cow and leave none for the others.
116. Thou shalt not set fly strips outside your tent in a Tyranid war zone.
117. Thou shalt not wear Lord Commander Dante's Death Mask (or any Death Masks at all for that matter) on Halloween, any other masquerade parties or for fun, when not in battle!
118. Thou shalt not try to see how much a Death Company marine can take (physical and/or psychical)!
119. Thou shalt not put "tags" on the Holy Shrouds and/or Banners or write on it in anyway at all.
120. Rico’s Roughnecks are not real.
121. Thou shalt not over-charge thou bike!
122. Thou shalt not use the over-charged engines for "drag-racing"!
123. Thou shalt not have a Blood-party (as in tea-party) with Mephiston during battle!
124. Thou shalt not play "no blinking" with Mephiston!
125. Thou shalt not give Tycho an Ork for his Birthday (or any day at all for that matter, or speak him about Orks).
126. Thou shalt not release Morriar from his restrainment or tap in his vital liquids!
127. Thou shalt not ask the Sanguinary Priest for something to drink!
128. Thou shalt obey these 10 commandments! (Isn't it hard counting when being a scout?)
129. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to "fry your diner"!
130. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to get “KFC� or “Macca’s�.
131. Thou shalt not kill each other because "thou are the real Sanguinous".
132. Thou shalt not make wounds to resemble the wounds of thou mighty Primarch...the Chaplain paint these on your armour!
133. Thou shalt not "make bunny-ears" with thy fingers behind the Chaplain whilst he gives battle-orders.
134. Thou shalt not indulge in squig eating contests.
135. Thou shalt not fake death in order to get blood from the Sanguinary Priests.
136. Thou shalt keep thou armour on, although thou might think thou are invincible, thou DO need thou armour!
137. Thou shalt not fall asleep whilst the Chaplain is in prayer.
138. Thou shalt not use thy weapons upon thyself, thou still can get hurt.
139. Thou shalt not jump out in front of the Rhino to get into the fight whilst still in motion...wait for orders to disembark!
140. Thou shalt look both ways before crossing the street.
141. Thou shalt not try to "steal" assaults away from battle-brothers....they are allowed some fun too!
142. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (In a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
143. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Tyranid's mighty One-Eyed monster (eye, pirate matey... guk!).
144. Thou shalt not mistake the Harlequin's Kiss for some fruity clown prank.
145. Thou shalt not light cigarettes near the Hellhounds.
146. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
147. Genestealers ARE NOT trying to rob you of your denim trousers.
148. Thou shalt not chase thy Gretchen with a fork.
149. Thou shalt not call the firearms of the Imperial Guard “Sega Lock-Ons�.
150. Thou shalt not call the Adeptus Arbites “pigs� or “the filth�.
151. Thou shalt not place buckets of water over the Inquisitors door.
152. Inquisitors are not “Nigel no friends�
153. Thou shalt not use thou's laser sight to blind Imperial Guard.
154. Thou shalt not remove the Imperial Guards power packs from their Lasguns while they are asleep.
155. Thou shalt not play “frisbee� with a Tau Shield Drone.
156. Remember a Primach is for life not for Christmas.
157. Thou shalt not eat toast in your power armour ( I'm not going to hoover the crumbs out of the toes again).
158. Thou shalt not put fridge magnets on thy power armour (Even if you have been to Cornwall).
159. Thou shalt not tune into FM rock on your intercom.
160. Thou shalt not put bananas in the commander's rhino's exhaust pipes.
161. Thou shalt not hang "Pine Fresh" on Moriar (even if he is a bit ripe by now!)
162. Scented Pine Trees hanging off Rear Vision mirrors in favour of the Dice, is now prohibited.
163. Thou shalt not offer to clean the sister's armour whilst they change.
164. Thou shalt not use Power weapons or Chain-weapons to cut your food.
165. Thou shalt remove the batteries from weapons to put in your RC toys.
166. Thou shalt not swap the salt and pepper.
167. Thou shalt not play "I see, I see what you don't see" over the intercom during battles!
168. Thou shalt not "go out to get cigarettes" during prayers!
167. Thou shalt not make remarks about the physical appearance of Sisters.
168. Thou shalt not swap your battle-brothers gun with a waterpistol.
169. Thou shalt not participate in any intoxication (i.e. alcohol) contests with Imperial Guards.
170. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if her armour isn't too small.
171. Thou shalt not ask a Sister about her age.
172. “No� means “No�.
173. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if you might donate some of your own Gene-seed.
174. Thou shalt not make cat-sounds when Sisters argue.
175. Thou shalt refer to Sister Supreme as 'Mistress'.
176. Thou shalt not refer to Ork Dreadnoughts as 'garbage bins'.
177. Thou shalt not make funny noises during a speech/prayer.
178. Thou shalt not "play shooting range" with Gretchen’s.
179. Thou shalt not brag about how many you've killed with a Dark Eldar.
180. Thou shalt not write or "put tags" on vehicles and/or armour.
181. Thou shalt not use Servitors to catch your paper.
182. Thou shalt not play "fetch" with Tyranids using grenades.
183. Thou shalt not yell “catfight!� when Sisters argue.
184. Thou shalt not press the buttons in a demolisher tank.
185. Thou shalt not hum cartoon theme songs when around the Tau (like Smurfs)
186. Thou shalt not refuse the Sisters your chocolate rations, especially during the time of their "Red rage".
187. Thou shalt never refer to the size of a Sisters rear armour.
188. Thou shalt always offer to rub a Sisters feet after battle. I need not explain why.
189. Thou shalt always carry thine universal remote control when facing necrons.
190. Thou shalt never offer to sell your soul to the Dark Eldar for beer money. Not even in jest.
191. Thou shalt never ask a Daemonette for some "handiwork", else though will have to join the Sisters.
192. Thou shalt not remind your commander how many times he has been slain by the badly coloured Tyranid.
193. Thou shalt leave the plasma gun well and truly alone.
194. Thou shalt not play Russian roulette with automatic weapons. It doesn't work (or it does too well, actually).
195. Thou shalt not shave the Space Wolves while they are asleep .
196. Thou shalt not load the dice.
197. Thou shalt not move that extra little inch in movement phase.
198. Thou shalt not fire thy bolter at enemies you can't really see but at a leg sticking out of a building.
199. Thou shalt follow thy rulebook.
200. Thou shalt not make up rules.
201. Thou are not fearless... thou art fearless... ugh anyone got a codex?
202. Thou shalt not laugh at the cultist.
203. Thou shalt beware of bird poo when greater daemon of Tzeentch is around.
204. Thou shalt not throw soap at Nurglings.
205. Thou shalt not use penicilan tipped bolts in your boltgun against Nurglings.
206. Thou shalt not waste thy 15 minutes free time trying to get laid.
207. Thou shalt beware of possesed 2 liter coke bottles.
208. Thou shalt not stare at feet during the battle march.
209. Thou shalt not aim at thy commanders back.
210. Thou shalt watch thy foot steps.
211. Beware of the drunken Leman Russ.
212. Thou shalt not binge drink with the Imperial Guard.
213. Thou shalt not challenge a Daemon Prince to a fist fight.
214. Thou art not unexpendable.
215. Thou shalt look before thou leaps.
216. Thou shalt not bring your sack lunch to battle.
217. Thou shalt not use they bike as a battering ram.
218. Thou shalt beware of potholes and speedbumps.
219. Lord Login is not "Wolfie".
220. Seraphims do not want to join the "Mile High Club".
221. Spiky bits are not meant for hanging laundry on.
222. Ultra scout is not "little boy blue".
223. Never refer to the Cannoness as "big momma".
224. Thou shalt not put “kick me� signs on thou brothers backs.
225. Thou shalt not nail nurglings to the back of the rhino as fuzzy decorations.
226. Thou shalt not put itching powder in a Dreadnought.
227. Thou shalt not wink suggestively at Daemonettes.
228. Thou shalt not use can openers on Ork Dreadnoughts.
229. Thou shalt not replace the commissars' comm-link with a plasma grenade for a laugh.
230. Thou shalt not refer to Armoured companies as agorophobes.
231. Thou shalt not ask techmarines to put mag wheels on your bike.
232. Thou shalt not use a looted Terrorfex for Halloween.
233. Thou shalt not sneak into the rock while the Dark angels are asleep and discover that their secret is that all the high ranking angels wear dresses. Er... oops...
234. Thou shalt not invite babes back to the monastery.
235. Thou shalt not spike drinks with Sanguinius’ blood.
236. Thou shalt not step on Guardsmen and then say that you didn't see them.
237. Thou shalt not refer to Paul Sawyer as "The Great Unclean One".
238. Thou shalt not call a Dark Angel "Jessica Alba".
239. Thou shalt not give a Sister of Battle breast implants.
230. Neither shalt thou ask wether those “guns� are real or not.
231. Thou shalt never say anything about the Squats.
232. Thou shalt not overheat a plasmagun for a college prank.
233. Thou shalt not give the Death Company caffine.
234. Thou shalt not insult a Thousand Son about his penis.
235. Thou shalt not taunt a Space Wolf with a piece of steak.
236. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
237. Thou shalt not poop thy power armor.
238. Thou shalt not make mention of the irony that a Grot blaster is a Lasgun, only the Orks admit it is crappy.
239. Thou shalt not overclock thine pentium and use it as a plasma weapon.
240. Thou shalt not intentionally overheat a plasma weapon and give it to an IG. (Hey thanks mate!... What’s that bleeping sound?... SPLAT)
241. Thou shalt not trip over Tau.
242. Thou shalt not attempt to steal a Tau's weapon "to give to the poor Guardsmen".
243. Thou shalt not moon the Tau in combat. They are good shots.
244. Thou shalt not invoke the wraith of conures. If you are foolish enough to do so, a conure the size of two to four titans shalt decend upon the table and inflict his wraith.
245. Thou shalt not attempt to borrow Tau stealth suits so that you might spy on the sisters in their quarters.
246. Thou shalt not attempt to rebuild a Necron as a washing machine.
247. Thou shalt not laugh at the poorly painted armies. (Haha look at that purple Tau!... Guk!)
248. Thou shalt not play “fetch� with a Kroot flesh-hound using a guardsman.
249. Thou shalt not go big game fishing for Manta Missile Destroyers.
250. Thou shalt not try to change the batteries on a Scarab.
251. Thou shalt not use the Blades of Reason to trim thy fingernails.
252. Thou shalt not feed the warp beasts.
253. Thou shalt not pet the Kroot hounds.
254. Thou shalt not ask the Sisters whether it's dyed or real.
255. Thou shalt not call Old One Eye "Surf and Turf".
256. Thou shalt not moonlight as a security guard if thine armour is red.
257. Thou shalt not use the Hellhound to cook thy rations.
258. Thou shalt not use thy power armours’ vid-link to prank call the Imperial Guard storm troopers.
259. Thou shalt not sneak up on thy commanding officer, and yell "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD" in his ear.
260. Thy bolter is not to be used to shoot cans off walls.
261. Thou shalt not steal the Land Speeder to "pick up Sisters".
262. The Leman Russ is not a kettle. Do not attempt to use it to make tea. Nor coffee.
263. Thou shalt not attempt to empty your waste-paper basket into an Ork Dreadnought.
264. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino as a "Clown Car", althought thy might think it is.
265. When throwing they holiest of His grenades always count to three, yes three, not one, for it is not the holiest of numbers, or two, for the holiness of two pales in comparison, but three, yes three, not one or two, unless thou shalt be proceeding to three.
266. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
267. Thou shalt not use blind grenades to sneak into the Sister's encampment.
268. Thou shalt not mention the name "Buffy" when near the Blood Angels.
269. Thou shalt not use Necron Scarabs as "Boogie Boards".
270. Thou shalt not call Harlequins “psychadelic� nor “groovy�
271. Thou Shalt never show an army of orks more than two Harlequins at once.
272. Thou shalt never laugh at the laughing god.
273. Thou shalt never play “Hide and Seek� with Librarians or Inquisitors.
274. Thou shalt not play “tag� with Gaunts.
275. Thou shalt never tie power armour laces together.
276. Thou shalt never say "Resistance is futile" to the Adeptus Mechanicus.
277. Thou shalt never criticize the “paper boys� in the Adeptus Administratum.
278. Thou shalt not sell chapter property (e.g. battlebarge, fortress monestary) on eBay.
279. Thou shalt not put a cork in thine battle brothers waste disposal outlet tube (WDOT).
280. Thou shoult not "entertain" The Adeptus Sororitas in your billet.
281. Thou shalt not refer to Imperial Guardsmen as "Cannon fodder".
282. The Imperial Guard Colonel did not visit a fancy-dress shop.
283. The lasgun is not to be used to carve your name into the Land Raider's/ Predator's/ Rhino's/ Razorbacks/ Leman Russ's/ Titan's armour plating. (It won’t work anyway)
284. Thou shalt not lend Imperial Guardsmen your power armour or swap places for a day with Guardsmen.
285. Thou shalt not try to perform brain surgery wearing power armour.
286. Thou shalt not assume that because you can take a bolter hit in the head, the Guardsman over there can too.
287. Thou shalt not use Tau shoulder pads as padding in games of cricket.
288. Thou shalt not hide the keys to the battle barge.
289. Thou shalt not call Ork Dreadnoughts/Killer Kans "R2-D2's big brother".
290. Thou shalt not threaten thy enemy with a "plasma enema" and thou shalt not carry out the act.
291. Thou shalt not flirt with the Banshee. They are the enemy.
292. Thou can not date a Dark Eldar Wych. They are the enemy too.
292. Thou shalt not steal the Battle Sisters makeup.
293. Thou shalt not try on the Battle Sisters armour to see if it compares to your own.
294. Thou shalt not make fun of Warp Spiders guns.
295. Thou shalt not take the Land Raider for a joy ride.
296. Thou shalt not perform dare devil stunts in the Rhino. Especially if thine bretheren are in the back.
297. Thou shalt not hijack the Battle Sisters Immolator. Especially if there are any Battle Sisters still on board!
298. Thou shalt not add bits to thine armour to try to pass thineself off as a Battle Sister.
299. Thou shalt not try to dance with a Banshee on the field of battle.
300. Thou shalt not throw sticks for the Space Wolves.
301. Thou shalt not play “fetch� with the Space Wolf Commanders “pet� Fenrisson Wolves.
302. Thou shalt not keep a Tyranid as a pet.
303. Thou shalt not challenge a Carnifex to a game of “catch�.
304. Thou can not tie a Wraithlords laces together (they don't have any).
305. Thou shalt not call a Battle Sister “babe�.
306. Thou shalt not be envious of the IG unit who art friends to the Sister Famulous!
307. Thou shalt not steal the Tau pulserifles, even if they are better than bolters.
308. Thou shalt not stick “Honk if you think I'm sexy� on the Sisters Rhino.
309. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying “Honk if you think I'm sexy� on a Sister's Rhino.
310. Thou shalt not ask thy battle sister if they would like to slip into something more comfortable.
311. The hellhound is not somthing you put on a leash and take for "walkies".
312. Thou shalt not armwrestle with Tactical Dreadnoughts.
313. Thou shalt not watch whilst the battle sisters change out of their power armour.
314. Ork Warbosses are not toys, you can not try to pull thier arms off and jump up and down on them.
315. Dont kick Grots.
316. Thou Shalt not slice three toes off each foot of the Tau and see how well they walk.
317. Thou shalt not relieve thy self behind a tree during battle.
318. Thou shalt not go to thy great emporer and make him "perform an illegal operation and be shut down".
319. Thou shalt not wrestle thy battle sisters and try to "pin them down".
320. An Iron Halo is not a toy.
321. A tank is not a toy.
322. A Dreadnought is not a toy.
323. Thou shalt not jump on the back of a Dreadnought in battle and see how long you can stay on.
324. Thou shalt not play toy soldiers with the Guardsmen.
325. The Space Hulk is not a wrestler.
326. Spiky bitz are not 'cool'.
327. Khorne is a Chaos God not a food.
328. Thou shalt not use power claws as scissors.
329. Thou shalt not use power armour power points to plug in thy gameboy.
330. Thou shalt not use hellions skyboards to impress the sisters.
331. Thou shalt not place a flashing light on top of the rhino so that it is easier to find in the car park.
332. if showing a tau how your boltgun works you will not give it to him the wrong way round.
333. A Necron is not a Mecano kit
334. Nurglings are not over date

581 Posts
LOL, please say you didn't write all of those yourself!:)
8. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
What about just putting on some hydraulic shocks and 21" wheels?:)

Bearded Ninja
2,678 Posts
haha brilliant i like thou shall not write silly things like this marvolous

73 Posts

I bow in your presence.... you are greatly skilled.

149 Posts

very funny. i've been looking for these for ages after my friend reccomended them to me.

<a href="">
I adopted a cute lil' death fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus! </a>
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