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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is just a bit of some fluff I was working on for a school writing project. Coming soon: the battle!


The Shining Paladins
Jonah Crow looked deep into Ezekiel Forge’s eyes. There was no compassion there.
“Well,� he said. “Then it is settled. Tomorrow, we take IG-67 once and for all. We shall lance-strike the Chaos Palace, and your force will destroy the ritual on the eastern pole.�
“In the almighty name of the Emperor, I am ready.�
“Then tomorrow will be the last day of the poor people of IG-67’s fear and suffering. Now, rest, before the morrow.�
Walking down the plasteel walkways of the Paladin’s Strike Vessel. He glanced at the walls, and even without his aided vision, he could see that they were perfect. This never ceased to please him. They felt solid, an element mostly missing in the warp. Forge shivered. Forget. Forget. Forget... good. He continued until he found his chamber. Grand it was indeed. As all the men’s chambers were. A ship meant to hold 100 men in power armor, 25 Terminators, and 2 Dreadnoughts or Tanks was now holding 20 men in power armor, 4 Terminators, and 1 Dreadnought. Thus, the living, training, and working spaces could be increased, making for a more content crew. He rubbed his hands across the mahogany tables, admiring the intricate carvings of the birth of the Emperor, the building of humanity, and the Heresy. The daemonic carvings of the Heresy were shifting because of the proximity of warp holes, but by now he was used to it. At first he almost put a Psycannon bolt through the masterpiece. The cream curtains around the view port flowed like milk, and he collapsed into a dreamless sleep.
* * *
The next morning was full of business. The noise of every Paladin waking at once was loud, but the morning meal was, like always, completely silent. Training this day would not happen, preparation and weapon and armor care would take its spot. All the suits of armor were taken from their cases, and all the Storm Bolters unteathered from their shrines. The daily ritual of cleaning and inspecting the machinery and the machine spirit that they so trusted during battle was underway, and no interruptions could be made. All the crew were silently working on their bolters except for Crow, who was refilling the pyrum-petrol flasks on his hand meltas. The soul in the Dreadnought was double- and triple-checking Lascannon power and flexing the power fist on the Dread. Soon, they were all ready and in lines.
Both squads of ten Paladins each got a large Drop Pod, while the Dread got its own and the commanders shared one. When everyone was loaded, the deck crew of the ship let the air out of the launching platform, and the engines ignighted, sending the loyal Paladins to the loud and rauchous surface of the Slaanesh-blighted surface.
 

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Excellent! Since you're obviously a high-level writer, I will give you high-level criticism. Number lower than ten should be spelled out. Higher numbers can be spelled out or written numerically. A Dreadnought contains not just a soul, but a shattered and withered body. It sounds better if you refer to Dreadnoughts as Dreadnoughts, but "Dreads" is ok too. Finally, "Walking down the plasteel walkways of the Paladin’s Strike Vessel" is a sentence fragment. Seriously, though, that's just being nitpicky. This is awesome. I am also pleased to see you seem to have inherited my spelling gene. I can only detect one spelling error, and that is "ignighted." It should be, "ignited." God, I'm so anal-retentive.
 

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Originally posted by Deciever@Nov 6 2003, 03:18
Excellent! Since you're obviously a high-level writer, I will give you high-level criticism. Number lower than ten should be spelled out. Higher numbers can be spelled out or written numerically. A Dreadnought contains not just a soul, but a shattered and withered body. It sounds better if you refer to Dreadnoughts as Dreadnoughts, but "Dreads" is ok too. Finally, "Walking down the plasteel walkways of the Paladin’s Strike Vessel" is a sentence fragment. Seriously, though, that's just being nitpicky. This is awesome. I am also pleased to see you seem to have inherited my spelling gene. I can only detect one spelling error, and that is "ignighted." It should be, "ignited." God, I'm so anal-retentive.
I like, I like. Short fluff on a Space Marines daily rituals before battle. They are usually more caught up in prayer though. They aren't nearly as bad as the Adeptus Mechanicus, but they're still prayer-hogs.

I also thought it was a Tau story at first, because of the ship being named "IG-67"

So, all in all, a good short story, and I enjoyed reading it. Hope to see more of this soon!


Plus, I'm glad to see that I am still the undefeated spelling champion of the Internet.

One more spelling error. "Rauchous" I assume is Raucous.

Being more nitpicky than Deceiver is, I noticed this :-
"Training this day would not happen, preparation and weapon and armor care would take its spot."
It's good grammar to use only one "and" in a sentence, all the rest being commas.
So.. "Training this day would not happen. Preparation, weapon and armour care would take its spot."

Armour is spelt with a U, but then you could be American. Although it is "English".
"Unteathered" is spelt "Untethered".

You don't really need a dash (-) after "double-", 'cause you already have one after triple.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Ya, they didn't really get it, but they're Heretics. So there. And I am American, so it's okay if I suck at spelling! ;) Thank you all, consider it rewritten.
 

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Hi XV-88,
I would never think of writing something like this when I was in school....lol.I knew they wouldn't understand...hehehe.

But hey write more soon and did they send you to the principals office for writing about guns?

By the Brother Bob benig albe to splel is not anal reetnitve. I raelly feel anoneyd wehn I rceieve memos or fomral lteters with spleling mitsakes. Mkaes me dseapir as to what is will hpapen to the Queen's English...:)
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Here's part two. Oooooo! The suspense!

As the Marines braced for impact, Crow looked around. The Paladins were perfectly disciplined, all staring at an invisible point in the center of the pod. A tinny, metallic voice broke through the speakers, announcing that they would touch down in five minutes. Crow sat in awkward silence, wondering how the Paladins could not twitch, hurdling down to possible death. At exactly 30 seconds to impact, all of the internal clocks went off, and the Paladins tensed as one, bracing for impact. Crow was astonished, but the thought darted out of his head as he realized that they were about to hit the ground. A sudden *****ing marked impact, and the Paladins marched off the pod. They were fighting along side the Maroc Marauders, another Space Marine chapter that had podded at the same time. Three more drop pods and a shuttle holding the Marauders hit the soil, and shook it around them. As they all disembarked and lined up, Crow noticed for the first time that it was snowing. Quite fiercely now, as if the snow knew exactly where the Marines were. They broke into movement, trudging along in the deep snow drifts, not feeling the cold at all in their heated power armor.
They set up camp after a day of walking, and the officers met in their section. Since the Marauders only spoke Spanish, Crow and Forge had to adapt.

“*The records on this planet show no signs of storms like these, and there were none while we were on the Cruiser.*�

“*Yes, that is why we marched south. We should be at about equator level right now.*�

“*This is absurd! We should be out of this emperor-forsaken storm by now!*�

“*We march east tomorrow. A four hour march should bring us to the outskirts of the capital, and two more after that will take us to the center, the location of the ritual.*�

“*Good, let us rest. Tomorrow, we move out,*�

* * *

After a long four hours, the Marauders and the Paladins saw what looked like a sheet of yellow approaching. As they got closer, they realized that it was the edge of the storm. A clear-cut edge. The storm just stopped on one side of the road. As they past, walking became easier. They looked back to see grey clouds and snow, but in the other direction, sunny skies. The town was utterly uninhabited, but dead bodies lied everywhere. The ominous feeling of a tear in the warp became stronger, bringing out worries and fear into the minds of the weak. As they neared the center of town, black appeared in the sky. Clouds were forming, and it started to rain. As they crossed a highway, a big one at that, eight large lanes, totaling about 100 feet, they saw a lone Chaos Noise Marine standing there, perfectly still.

“Speak, to show that you are alive.�

No response. After five minute, Jonah Crow primed his jump pack and told Forge he was going over to inspect the marine. Before he even took a step, the noise Marine pointed his Sonic Blaster into the air, and let loose a blast of sound equal to the force of a plasma cannon. Suddenly, Chaos Marines were everywhere, swarming across the highway like beetles.

“*****! Wasn’t expecting that!�
 

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Good fluff so far..:)

Here the feedback

Since the Marauders only spoke Spanish, Crow and Forge had to adapt.

Each Space Marine would learn Gothic not just their own planetary language.
The language would be programmed directly into their brain.

do you have any fluff on the Maroc Marauders? Are they your very own invented Chapter?

The ominous feeling of a tear in the warp became stronger, bringing out worries and fear into the minds of the weak.

Who exactly are the weak ones? They shall know no fear after all. Do you mean the inexperienced members of both Chapters?

As they crossed a highway, a big one at that, eight large lanes, totaling about 100 feet, they saw a lone Chaos Noise Marine standing there, perfectly still.

Do you mean 100 feet across? Where is the Chaos Marine standing?

Hope the feedback helps ;)

Regards and keep it up
 

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The Marauders are my brother's own Chapter. For some insane reason of hs own he has decided they must speak only Spanish. Don't ask me why: I said it was an insane reason.
 

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Okay that the fluff he came up with. A few weaknesses in his army would be that they may be accused of deviancy by the Inquisition.
They can't communicate with allies who cannot speak their languge.
Their allies may take offence at the fact that the Marauders do not speak Gothic.

Pride goeth before a fall

:a
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Finefinefine, they don't speak spanish anymore. Awww... PART THREE!
BTW, sorry for the suspense guys, I need some time to make the finale not suck.

The booming sound of bolters firing filled the air, and all that could be smelled was ozone and bolter propellant, and the air was fogged with smoke. The loyal Astardes Troops had fallen back behind the road; open space was not their specialty. The heretic pink troops ran madly forward, being mowed down, but by some unseen force, dragged to their feet to fight again. Force Commander Sanchez’s second in command trying to yell something at him when when his head exploded; he had been hit by a plasma bolt, yet the Commander didn’t even flinch. But it was like fighting the tide. The furious storm of pink and red poured into the trenches, slaughtering the Marines. The Force Commander and Grandmaster looked toward Crow. This was why he was hired. He was staring to the sky, praying to the Emperor, jump pack humming quietly. Heretics were charging at him from all side, but just as his soul was about to get released, his pack ignited, and the two hand meltas screamed silent death to the ground. The clump of Emperor’s Children that were there were now nothing more than piles of molten plasteel. He danced through the air, tracer bullets marking his path, with a grace achieved by only the greatest warriors. Then his eyes snapped open. Row after row of noise marines, mounting huge, heavy weapons, were marching onto the battlefield to fill the placed of their maimed brethren. Their orderly marching was stark contrast to the frenzied charging of their shock troops, and above them, Raptors flew with deadly light, their corrupted jump packs disgracing the equipment of Crow. Their was a rumbling, thumping sound and two Obliterators, herded by Marines with Las Shockers, smashed through the reinforced plasteel of the highway, and Slaanesh Dreadnoughts stomped on, accompanied by Land Raiders. The worst part, though, were the things on the Dreadnought’s shoulders. Women, seemingly, but some with disfigured appendages, and all with hideous claws for hands. Yes, even the hardened Space Marines faltered a bit when they saw these insults to the Emperor. Yes, it was these creatures they had heard about, these Daemonettes.
From this assault, this display of troops, came a feeling, almost like fear, from the pit of Crows stomach. But his tactical mind came in.
“Take out the Raptors first, those will be the most threat to me. Then kill the heavy weapons troops.�
He raised one power fist while hovering a good 50 feet above the chaos, pointed it at one of the Raptors coming towards him, and let fly. He let a smile creep across his scarred face as the flesh of the traitor melted, and molten plasteel rained on a Daemonette, killing her --it-- instantly. This would be a challenge worth the Fists of the Emperor!
 

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The fluff is going great ...:) I'll have to do the same for my planned army....lol

Take all the time you need in order to get the best story possible.

:D
 
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