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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)


Hey, guys. This is the backstory for my Chaos Marine Chapter. As you can tell from reading
it, it's actually the combined forces of three seperate groups of marines. I'm posting here to
see what you guys think and for suggestions on making it better (ex- if it doesn't fit well with
the 40k universe). Hope you enjoy reading it.




The Crippled Doves
A chapter of Chaos Cultists.

Chapter Name: The Bloodsoaked Banner of the Crippled Doves
Alias: "The Crippled Doves"
Patron Chaos God: The Changer of Ways, Tzeentch
Colors: Off-white and dark red.
Homeworld: Opoxium 9 (midway between Dimmamar and the far Eastern stretch of the Cygnus Arm, across the Segmentum Obscurus).

Father Alexander's Thousand Sons
The year is 33,250 AD. The Blackstar Crusades, having only began 200 years prior, rage throughout the Ganglax Sector. Taking advantage of the temporary vacuum in power within the Eye of Terror, the rogue, independent chaos sorceror who calls himself Father Alexander mysteriously appears on the Thousand Son cruiser Taxman. In the struggle to resist him, the crew damage the vessel beyond repair. Father Alexander successfully takes control of the ship and it limps its way through the Gothic Sector, amazingly cloaked by violent warp storms which appear only months after the ship's arrival.

Space Marines, Sparrow Chapter
The Sparrow Chapter of Space Marines are an ancient group of relatively primitive warriors which have shared responsibility of the Opoxium System with the Storm Crows. Wearing brown and black armor, they gained some small amount of renown for their unusually high number of capable Librarians. The seeds of potenital corruption had long rested, dormant within the hearts of the Sparrow Chapter Marines. It was only due to their remote location that they avoided discovery at the hands of Imperial Inquisitors. They operated directly out of Opoxium 4, a lush forest world nearly untouched by the mechanizations of industry or war.

Space Marines, the Storm Crows
The Storm Crow Space Marines are every bit as ancient as their "cousins," the Sparrow Marines. Operating from their seat on Opoxium 9, they ruled their hive world like fuedal lords of old. Though much more open in their fanatical devotion to the Codex Astartes, they shared the same flaw as the more conservative Sparrows; they could be tempted to fall. Zealot preachers of the faith, it was common to see a marine at an intersection in one of the busier sections of the world, loudly reciting lines from the Codex, inspiring the workers of the world to acts of selfless sacrafice for the benefit of the greater good. When an ork warband under Warboss Skummer arrived at the planet, they were well-prepared for the trials of combat.

The Siege of Opoxium, The Fall of the Storm Crows
Skummer's massive fleet laid siege to Opoxium as two dozen planets were reduced to ash within weeks of their arrival. Opoxium 9 was hit the hardest as Skummer's personal flagship bombarded the hive world. The Storm Crows fought valiantly, entire armies of marines and guardsmen died defending the planet. It was at the end of the year 39,875 that the Storm Crows sent an emergency call for assistance to the Sparrow Marines, who had only barely survived a nearly identical ork assault only months prior.

Upon the Sparrow Marines' arrival, Opoxium 9's cities had already been razed to the ground. What few Storm Crows survived were fighting for their lives in the tunnels beneath the city streets. The surface swarmed with greenskins and the Sparrows wasted no time in landing to lend aid to their dying comrades. They were doomed from the beginning. Outnumbered and overwhelmed, their calls for Imperial assistance were blocked by an approaching warpstorm. Huddling in the darkness of a chapel to the Emperor, the few remaining Crows and Sparrows said their final prayers beneath their banners and charged the orks head on. It was then, looking to the sky that they saw the landing ship.

The Arrival of Father Alexander
The Taxman crashed to the surface of the planet, opening its doors as hundreds of Thousand Sons flooded out. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the Opoxium System, Thousand Son fighters engaged the Ork fleets, driving them back under an intense barrage of cleansing fire. The Crows and Sparrows didn't waste time, quickly joining forces with the traitor marines and advancing ruthlessly upon the surprised greenskins. Within days, the Opoxium System had been cleared; but at a great cost. The warpstorm that had carried Father Alexander to his new home grew in size, completely shrouding the system from prying eyes and preventing Imperial aid from arriving.

The Appearance of the Crippled Doves
Only a few thousand years after that fateful ork invasion, the warpstorm cleared. No longer was Opoxium a "typical" Imperial system. It was a vile, mutated dominion. All the planets had now been fully colonized and raped of their natural resources to fuel the war machine. They were now the Crippled Doves; an injured version of something once-pure.


- Nik
 

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well...ok. SO i like your storyline, how a group of marines get shafted by a mass ork waagh, only to have some chaos marines come and save there behinds. I even like your whole "warp storm" that gives the tzneetch dude plenty of time to convert. some corrections though.

40k isin't measured by AD. Its by millienia.

Coulndn't you just have the father alexander character be a tzneetch chaos lord, who dosent kill a bunch of tzneetch marines for a single ship? Like, where did he get Hundreds of warriors? And how did the arrival of one crippled ship turn the tide of war against a whole ork waaaggh? and what use are a couple of space marines (the survivors) to a tzneetch lord? even if they do pledge allegiance (which is gonna be tough to do) they are very small in number. ANd for your sparrow chapter hidden away from the imperium, that dosent happen, because the imperium creates the new space marine chapters.

All and all, a very nice storyline. But you've gotta convert it to more 40k terms.

on another note, there are only 1,000 space marines per chapter, so when you have thousands dyeing to the orks, that dosent work out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
AlbinoAlien said:
Coulndn't you just have the father alexander character be a tzneetch chaos lord, who dosent kill a bunch of tzneetch marines for a single ship?
Father Alexander is a Chaos Lord. =P He's practically the equivilant of a priest of Tzeentch. One could even suggest that the only way he single-handedly took over a large ship full of Thousand Sons is because he had Tzeentch's backing!


AlbinoAlien said:
Like, where did he get Hundreds of warriors?
From the Taxman, the original ship he took over.

AlbinoAlien said:
And how did the arrival of one crippled ship turn the tide of war against a whole ork waaaggh?
It wasn't an ork waaagh. It was merely a large enough group of them to take out a backwater system like Opoxium. Maybe I could help with this point by adding onto the original backstory that the Sparrow Marines and Storm Crows had weakened the orks, but were still losing?

AlbinoAlien said:
and what use are a couple of space marines (the survivors) to a tzneetch lord?
You don't get it! He didn't just take control of the Space Marines. Father Alexander now has control over the entire Opoxium system. Meaning not just Adaptus Astartes but regular humans, too! He's got his own mini-empire going!

AlbinoAlien said:
And for your sparrow chapter hidden away from the imperium, that dosent happen, because the imperium creates the new space marine chapters.
Fair enough, I suppose.

AlbinoAlien said:
on another note, there are only 1,000 space marines per chapter, so when you have thousands dyeing to the orks, that dosent work out.
I know how many Space Marines are in a Chapter. ^^ But you have to remember that it wasn't just Space Marines fighting off the orks. There's all those Imperial Guardsmen that were posted on the planets! I can only assume that the many thousands of people who lived on Opoxium 9 would have been fighting to defend their own world!

Thx for you input, though!

-Nik
 

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Aye very nice story, extremely nice analogy - only thing yes, some minor things. You should change thousands to hundreds, and of course you could work out a nice fluff with the relation they have with the Thousand Sons who are now there. Not to promote my own fluff in this - but if you check the my Dusk Phantoms something similar happened to them, perhaps it might inspire you ^_^
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thx Adahn for the input! Question, though.

Adahn said:
You should change thousands to hundreds
Where do you mean? Do you mean change it so that the warpstorm clears hundreds of years later? Or are you with
AlbinoAlien about "thousands" dying (I looked and I don't even see where I said that thousands of marines died >.<)?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Adahn said:
I think at some point you might have mentioned there being thousands of dead
Yeah, to both you and AlbinoAlien... I never mention any number of people being killed or anything like that. :3 The only time I use the word "thousand" is to describe time or when mentioning the Thousand Sons Chaos Marines.
 

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ok, but you have him take over the ship, kill a bunch of tzneetch warriors, but still have hundreds left to help out the marines? the way you desribe him coming to there rescue, you have marines fighting all over the system, winning back the worlds of the sector. That takes multiple ships....and alot of marines.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
AlbinoAlien said:
ok, but you have him take over the ship, kill a bunch of tzneetch warriors
I never mention how many Thousand Sons Father Alexander is forced to kill in order to take over the Taxman. For all we know he might have just killed their original leader and his bodyguard unit. ; )

AlbinoAlien said:
but still have hundreds left to help out the marines?
Yes. Cruisers are big and can carry a lot of Thousand Sons.

AlbinoAlien said:
That takes multiple ships....and alot of marines.
I mention that Skummer's personal ship lands on Opoxium 9. Perhaps Father Alexander helped kill Skummer himself? That might lead to the orks breaking off into multiple groups and eventually disbanding!

((I'm not arguing with you guys; just using the input you're giving me to streamline the backstory.))

-Nik
 

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I do hope some of my comments do not come off as mean or anything, but I went through your story Nikblade and have suggestions, comments, fluff to point out, and questions that would probably be of some help to your own story.

The year is 33,250 AD.
As pointed out before, time in the Imperium is told by millenia not AD, so you might want to rewords this: "It is/was the year 250 of millenium 33"

In the struggle to resist him, the crew damage the vessel beyond repair.
Why was he resisted? If the ship belongs to the thousand sons than the crew must have pledged allegience to the changer, and so the more powerful marines on board would have known of the coming of a powerful leader of some kind. The reason for this resistance is something that should be elaborated on, because it does not make to much sense at the moment given who the chaos marines are.

they gained some small amount of renown for their unusually high number of capable Librarians. The seeds of potenital corruption had long rested, dormant within the hearts of the Sparrow Chapter Marines. It was only due to their remote location that they avoided discovery at the hands of Imperial Inquisitors.
This kind of contradicts itself here; if the Sparrow chapter had gained any recognition, than they would/could be noticed by the inquisition. And if there was any hint of a problem of some kind, or possible heresy, then the inquisition would dispatch someone, regardless of how far away they were as long as it was within the boundries of the Imperium. (If its in Imperial domain, than its never to far or to remote to escape notice or scutiny.)

It was at the end of the year 39,875 that the Storm Crows sent an emergency call for assistance to the Sparrow Marines, who had only barely survived a nearly identical ork assault only months prior.
How long had the fighting gone on for?

How badly mauled were both chapters by the time the Sparrow chapter could come and help the Storm Crows?

A system-wide attack by orks most likely is a waaagh!, its the only way they can get so much strength together for any one thing. So both chaoters should have had some time to call in for Imperial aid of any kind, or at least given prior warning of what was going to happen.

You make no mention of marine numbers, but how much of each chapter was present for this conflict? Most chapters are rarely at full strength on their own homeworld, let alone two chapters in the same system being at full strength on their respective homeworlds. Plus both chapters would have a fleet of some kind, what happened to both of those? (All marine chapters have fleets, which can break up to take different companies to warzones.

Huddling in the darkness of a chapel to the Emperor, the few remaining Crows and Sparrows said their final prayers beneath their banners and charged the orks head on. It was then, looking to the sky that they saw the landing ship.
How had they been beaten back so badly? Why had th Sparrows not sent their remaining strength to take out the head of this ork assault?

When the orks get going, they have to be led by one greater ork, if that one is taken out than the orks just below him will fight for power to be in charge, this usually destabilizes the entire assault as orks take sides and fight each other as well as continue with their general fighting and pillaging.

How long had the marines held off against the orks after the Sparrow Chapter arrived?

The Taxman crashed to the surface of the planet, opening its doors as hundreds of Thousand Sons flooded out.
I think this deserves pointing out, if a ship were to crash onto a planet, it probably will be dead after impact, so whoever is inside won't be easily opening any doors to rush into enemies; especially not thousand sons who are now mostly mindless suits of armour that are a bit slow in action. (Sort of)

Maybe instead of having them crash the ship into the planet, have the leader of the chaos marines know where he is going and at the right time have the entire group ritually teleport onto the scene to take out the ork leader, as the marines probably should have.

Very important, when it comes to many of the chaos legions, thousand sons included, after Ahriman cast the rhubric and was banished by Magnus, most legions have broken into warbands that usually number in the hundreds. One of the largest warbands came from the Word Bearers in the novel Dark Apostle, and it only numbered about three thousand marines.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the Opoxium System, Thousand Son fighters engaged the Ork fleets, driving them back under an intense barrage of cleansing fire.
Just so you know, it takes a lot more than fighters and bombers to force an entire ork fleet(s) to retreat, it takes capital ships as well. (Capital ships in the 41st millenium would be escort level, cruisers, grand crisers, and battleships)

The Crows and Sparrows didn't waste time, quickly joining forces with the traitor marines and advancing ruthlessly upon the surprised greenskins.
Loyalist astartes would prefer death over joining traitor marines, almost every single loyalist chaoter swears an oath to fight their traitor brothers when they get the chance. (And there no point with things like: the enemy of my enemy is my friend, cause in the Imperium its: the enemy of my enemy is my enemy.)

How, and better why, did the remaining marines turn and pledge their allegience to the thousand sons and this sorcerer? This is key to know because both chapters are loyalist, the Storm Crows regularly preaching the words of the codex to non astartes.

Only a few thousand years after that fateful ork invasion, the warpstorm cleared. No longer was Opoxium a "typical" Imperial system. It was a vile, mutated dominion. All the planets had now been fully colonized and raped of their natural resources to fuel the war machine. They were now the Crippled Doves; an injured version of something once-pure.
What kind of response did the Imperium give to this? An entire loyal system finally re-emerges and has been transformed by corruption, surely the Imperium would destroy these worlds and the now traitor remnants of the former Storm Crows and Sparrows would be forced to run away form their world.
 

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In that sense I must agree with Dark Reaver - there's a definite problem with how easily they join the traitors. The only reason (for instance) my chapter tollerates the Word Bearer intervention is because for a long time the loyalist chapter master has had Daemons whispering in his ear. Also, well it's quite long and I won't get into it now - save to say a LOT of things have to go wrong for a Loyalist chapter, and more importantly they have to be betrayed in one way or another by the Imperium itself or the idea of the Emperor tarnished for them to even consider going Rogue, let alone joining with their supposed enemies.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Darkreever's response was exactly the sort of thing I was looking for! Thanks for the input, and no, you certainly didn't seem mean at all. I was hoping for that sort of detailed response to my story. I'm here to perfect it, after all.

I've redone it with some modifications/clarifications! Tell me what you think!




The Crippled Doves
A chapter of Chaos Cultists.

Chapter Name: The Bloodsoaked Banner of the Crippled Doves
Alias: "The Crippled Doves"
Patron Chaos God: The Changer of Ways, Tzeentch
Colors: Off-white and dark red.
Homeworld: Opoxium 9 (midway between Dimmamar and the far Eastern stretch of the Cygnus Arm, across the Segmentum Obscurus).

Father Alexander's Thousand Sons
The year is the 33thousandth of the Lord Emperor. The Blackstar Crusades, having only began 200 years prior, rage throughout the Ganglax Sector. Taking advantage of the temporary vacuum of power in the Eye of Terror, the mysterious chaos sorcerer who calls himself Father Alexander arrives on board The Taxman, the flagship of a large Thousand Sons fleet. He is met with little resistance and takes control of the fleet, which consists of both Thousand Sons warships and cultist freighters.

Cloaked from Imperial view by a warp storm that manifests within days of his arrival, Father Alexander declares this an omen, a sign of Tzeentch's blessing and orders the fleet to enter the storm. The storm, with The Taxman and its accompanying vessels hidden inside it, drifts slowly through the Gothic Sector.

Space Marines, Sparrow Chapter
The Sparrow Marines of Opoxium 4 are an ancient group of relatively primitive warriors. Holding domain over their tiny planet, it is kept lush, untouched by the mechanizations of industry or war. With only a small community from which to pull potential marines, their numbers are kept few. Though having been free from conflict for nearly two thousand years, they only just barely filled five companies. Though loyal and true, each Sparrow Marine had in his soul a fatal flaw; they could be tempted. It was only through the winds of chance that Inquisitorial investigators had not discovered this... and the seed of corruption lay dormant, waiting for its time to sprout.

Space Marines, the Storm Crows
The Storm Crows are every bit as ancient as their "cousins," the Sparrows. Operating from their seat on Opoxium 9, they shared the responsibility of the safety of the Opoxium System with the Sparrow Chapter. Fanatical zealots, they were far more open in their devotion than the more conservative Sparrow Marines. Openly preaching the tenants of the Codex Astartes on the streets of the largest cities on Opoxium 9, they impressed Imperial Inquisitors when they were seen. But deep in their hearts... they carried that same flaw as their cousins.

The Siege of Opoxium, The Fall of the Storm Crows
Deep in space, the mighty ork warboss Skummer had rallied the crippled remnants of his former boss' fleet. Reuniting the fallen horde, he cursed the Imperial Fleets of the Gothic Sector and, only barely escaping pursuit, limped away to find a weaker target. It was then that he set his greedgy gaze on the Opoxium System. Though organized and fortified, Opoxium was also small. Too small to stand against the fury of Skummer's boyz. It was in the year 39,873 that his fleet arrived.

Opoxium, having grown complacent after years of relative peace, was hit by surprise. Skummer's forces rained down on the agricultural worlds, razing entire colonies to the ground. By the time the Storm Crows of Opoxium 9 had grown aware of the threat, it was too late to send for help. A strange warpstorm had settled over the southern tail of the system. Until it cleared, communication with the rest of the Empire would be impossible.

Skummer led his personal flagship against Opoxium 9, which quickly sent for the aid of the Sparrow Marines. Terminator Veterans from both chapters attempted to teleport aboard Skummer's ship, but dozens died as their navigational systems were disrupted by the approaching storm. Severely weakened and outnumbered, the Space Marines rallied what few guardsmen were posted on Opoxium 4 and 9, meeting Skummer in space head-on.

Though the orks suffered greatly at the hands of the valiant defenders, they were in too great of numbers for the small system to handle. Eventually ork forces landed on the surface of Opoxium 9 and the great siege began. Things looked grim as the greenskin ships surrounded the planet, preparing the finishing blow.

The Arrival of Father Alexander
It was only after the warpstorm had completely encricled the Opoxium System that The Taxman made its appearance. Backed by the rest of the fleet, Thousand Sons and cultists, who had until this point been forced into hibernation to survive the long journey, began their attack. Daemons and traitor marines dropped from the sky in dropships, entire swarms of fighters swimming by the ork frigates that hung in space over Opoxium 9.

Skummer's forces, caught between the ever-valiant forces of Opoxium 9's surface and Father Alexander's fleet. were gradually worn down after days of violence. The cost was great as thousands of civilians on Opoxium 9's surface perished. Skummer, desperate and battle-maddened, teleported aboard the Taxman with what few nob bodyguards he had left. Father Alexander himself approached the monstrous greenskin, reducing him to gibbering jelly as the concentrated fury of Tzeentch was unleashed.

With their leader dead, the surviving orks fought amongst themselves for power, leaving them vulnerable to further attack. The Sparrow Marines and Storm Crows had been severely weakened by the siege, only scant dozens remaining in any one of their companies.

The taint of corruption that had long laid dormant within them were unleashed as Father Alexander whispered long-forgotten words of power and kicked the warpstorm into ever-greater levels of mad fury. The storm thickened, shrouding the system from prying eyes.

The Appearance of the Crippled Doves
Only a few thousand years after that fateful ork invasion, the warpstorm cleared. No longer was Opoxium a "typical" Imperial system. It was a vile, mutated dominion. All the planets had now been fully colonized and raped of their natural resources to fuel the war machine. They were now the Crippled Doves; an injured version of something once-pure.

Imperial forces are only just recently becoming aware of what happened in Opoxium. The lines in the sand have been drawn, war approaches.


- Nik
 

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Very nice Nikblade, the revision flows much better with the additional details. Again, you might want to go and change the wording at the end of the first paragraph in The Siege of Opoxium, The Fall of the Storm Crows. (When it gives the year of the ork fleet arrived.) You might want to look through everything again for spelling errors and anything that can be fixed grammar wise. (pretty sure I saw a sentence in there that was three words long, might as well be connected to another one rather than be its own.)

Might I suggest, that rather than having the Sparrow Chapter as an older chapter which had not been able to get up to full strength, you have them be a newish chapter that was being trained and brought up to strength by the Storm Crows.

That way when the ork invasion comes, its the Storm Lords who take the brunt of the attacks and losses so that their brother chapter does not take as many losses. The fighting about to take place in the Storm Crows on fotress monestary when the chaos fleet arrives, helping to beat the orks back just in time. Then rather than having both chapters joining the chaos forces, the Storm Lords oppose them as the Sparrow chapter, the younger and less veteran, joins.

As the warp storm grows and engulfs the entire system, you could then have the leader of the chaos forces order the Sparrow chapter to wipe out the last of the Storm Lords to prove their loyalty; thus fully damning them.

As it stands, the Storm Lords are still a very loyal chapter, it seems like they would fight their traitor brothers to the bitter end rather than join them; something a newer chapter might not do because they are new and not as zealous.

Adahn, two 'e's, one 'a', and no space between the two parts of my name; almost everyone does that...:D
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Darkreever, while I thank you for the help, I just want to let you know that if you tell me to correct my grammar, I'll probably go ahead and correct yours. People generally get angry when I do that, which is why I try to avoid it. I think I used perfect grammar and spelling throughout my backstory. I could be wrong, of course. ; )

I think it's a good idea, what you suggested about the Storm Crows being forced to defend themselves against the young turncoat Sparrow Marines, but I really think it's much more dramatic to have someone so pure fall so far. That's why they're called the Crippled Doves, something beautiful and clean now broken and bleeding.

But anyway, this has all been very productive! Thanks again to everyone who responded.

-Nik
 

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Darkreever, while I thank you for the help, I just want to let you know that if you tell me to correct my grammar, I'll probably go ahead and correct yours. People generally get angry when I do that, which is why I try to avoid it. I think I used perfect grammar and spelling throughout my backstory. I could be wrong, of course. ; )
Most people probably do get angry, but I'm not most people and I have far from the best grammar in the world. (Often because of my hands and keyboard not always agreeing...:C)

Though the spelling and grammar comment were both more a general comment than anything. (I try and shy away from sentences with less than five words when its not dialogue, which is why I said anything at all.)
 

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Two points:

1) It seems to me that all Space Marines are open to temptation; perhaps you can elaborate on why your Chapters proved more susceptible.

2) Darkreever, somewhere between the second and third paragraph in post 13 in this thread, it seems that the Storm Crows transformed into the Storm Lords, a different Chapter. Maybe I misread the story...?

Otherwise, nice work, I hope to see more. :happy:
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Imperialis_Dominatus said:
It seems to me that all Space Marines are open to temptation; perhaps you can elaborate on why your Chapters proved more susceptible.
Actually... I'm really glad you mentioned that! Perhaps an excuse to write a lot of fluff stories? =)

-Nik
 

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Darkreever, somewhere between the second and third paragraph in post 13 in this thread, it seems that the Storm Crows transformed into the Storm Lords, a different Chapter. Maybe I misread the story...?
Yeah, somewhere between those two paragraph's my brain read storm crow and my hands typed storm lord..
 
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