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506 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:

"We're outta ammo?"
Khorne Beserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"
"You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"
"Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"
"Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."
"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"
"You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"
"You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"
"Fix bayonets!"
"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"
"We missed our shooting phase?"
"Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside.
"Colonel: "We're gonna die! We should all flee!"Commissar: "Just this once, I agree with you!"
"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"
"Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"
"Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"
"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates...""Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"
"I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"
"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a club, and it still...uh oh."
"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"
"What do you mean that the sisters of battle have taken a vow of chasity?"

377 Posts
*ponders a Sexual Frustration special rule*

76 Posts
Look but Can Not Touch: When fighting near female combat units unit may recieve a + 1 initiative and +1 Strength However they also recieve a -1 modifier on morale checks

959 Posts
Look but Can Not Touch: When fighting near female combat units unit may recieve a + 1 initiative and +1 Strength However they also recieve a -1 modifier on morale checks
also becomes fearless and suffer from animosity.

1,532 Posts
Another few:

Comanding officer: How did you guys find basic training? Hard? Unlucky, i had a blast flicking spitballs at Colonal J. Tightass during our survival Techneques lessons!

Theres a wraithlord on the board...

Sir, the necrons are here, and they have a monitith. and we only have 30 lascannons.

Welcome recruit, we you be sharing bunks with Private R. Sole

Comrade: Aww look, a cute doggy.
You: That aint no doggy, thats a hormagaunt!

"Theres an arrow in my but!"

So whats with these Torches? What do you mean there guns?!

Radio of Colonal:
Careful of the mine feild, the Co-ords are *Crackly Radio interuption*

Just my 2 Cents

3,575 Posts
"Why is my gun just a cardboard mock up?"

"I cant get in that chimera, its already on fire!"

"What do you mean take cover behind the bodies of the 423rd? We're the 423rd?"

"So what does this artillery locator beacon do?"

"When our moto says "Nobody walks away" Does it refer to them or us?"

"How can 9 minutes be an intensive training course?"

"You want me to put on this flak jacket? But theres a hole in it, and the hole is stained with blood!"

"When you say that the 422nd brought us fresh supplies of food, did you mean the 422nd were our fresh supply of food?"


"holly crap! these really are flashlights!"

"Hey, we have the same Inititive as the Salamanders, we can beat em!"

"Flashlight..Warmer..Cigarette lighter...Stun...Hey!..Where's the kill setting on this LasGun??"

"Why are they giving out Oven Mits with those Plasma guns?.."

"Join the army they say, see the many worlds they say, I'd rather be working in the kitchen than earning my pay shining lights at Khorne Berserkers.."

"Why can't we fire before the artillery?..We are the Elites damn'it, we are the glory boys, the ones who get the spiffy targeters.."

"Hey..Isn't that OUR Leman Russ?..Then why does it have that funny star on the front?"

>> "Fix bayonets!"

-"Forget THIS! *sound of las-pistol hitting the ground* Come on guys! FOR KHORN!"

Or better... *Sound of a liqour bottle being opened* "For Slannesh!"

or maybe even... Sound of projectile vomiting "FOR NURGLE!"

Aha! Get that spotlight over on them, if our flashlights can kill, then it must be a template weapon!!!

"What does 'victory' mean?"

"Stop shining that thing at me!"

"Why's the plasma gun on..there aren't any ene-"

"So,you say your from the eye huh...nice powerfist,whats that growing on your neck?"

"Theres good news and bad news,the good news is we're going to war,the bad news is,we're the only ones going and we don't get any more supplies"

"Hey look! The Eldar are using girls! *much laughter* "HEY stop screaming in my ear!"

"i'm not sure what's happening sir, but are the ripper swarms neutered?"

"OMG Doug, look out that fex". "Jim"... "ya Doug" "what size bra you think it wears"?

"warning, can trigger epilepsy"

'Warning: Do not look down barrel of Lasgun, may cause eye damage'

"Grey knights shmay knights. we got ogryns. "Thats Ogryn" "oh Crap"

"hey if there sentineal then why do we pilot them"

" Ive been strolling through the gas one day"

" Is that a rocket, GREED! Is that a tracked wheel, SLOTH! Is that a flak jacket and helmet, VANITY!"

"Sweet, that one Terminator only has a scyth. It says something, Man...something. Eh, he's headed this way, he'll be an easy kill."

"Dude, check out that one guy. His whole head is bald except for that really long top knot on top. He's a poser I bet."

"Hey, the Commisar said it was only going to be a bug hunt. How big can they get?"

"Dude, all we have to do is hold out till they transmit the codes to viral bomb the enemy!"

"Hey, I've been reassigned to Catachan? Anyone know where that is or what it's like?"

"Cool, I've been reassigned to fight with Fleet Leviathan. I've always wanted to see how the navy fights."

"Why's the forest moving?"

"Dear mom, it's very boring here. All I do is guard an archeaological team on this dead moon. Neat ruins but there's nothing to do, hold on a minute, somebody is yellin for me...."

"We're surrounded on all sides. This simplifies our problem. CHARGE!"

Space Marine Captain: Well the Chaos forces are massing for an offesive. and frankly we just dont have the numbers or the psykers!
Inquisiter: Well, I'd like to help yah but, there just aren't enough grey nights to go around.
Space Marine: Well, there is one thing we can do.
Inquisitor: Oh Yah!
Both look at an imperial guardsmen playing cards with his buddies
Space Marine: Well, we shall have to intitute Operation Human Shield!

"Alright men, were goin ta war... I wont lie to yah, I'll be hidin with mah heavy weapons teams and the tanks... but i did get you these; pre written "Don't Worry I'm going to war letters," flash lights, under powered laser rifle, Diapers, and me and the commissars took the liberty of impregnating each of your wives an girlfriends and wives so we could leave quicker."

"Abbaddon is coming this way, but don't worry, the commissar and the colonel both said not to worry as the might of the Emperor stood with us and they would pick up some extra donuts at the shop when they get back."

"Well our orders are in, we are to participate in Operation: Let them Tire Out Butchering the Guardsmen."

"Note to Jimmy R. Fielklestien: Quit praying to me, I dont care if you make it home to see your family. Personaly I enjoy watching you guys get annihilated. No, I will not be there to help you in the moment of truth. If you want help, talk to abbadon, he's much nicer than you'd think. Screw You; The God-Emperor of Humanity Bob Smith."

"The meaning of life is, your born, you join the guard, you die with 4000 other useless dweebs who couldm't make the adeptus astartes."

"Psssssst, those are not the ogryns, those are the women that've been supplied to make our last moments happier."

Medic: Sorry Johnson, I cant help you with that VD problem.
Johnson: But you gave LT. Sims the medicin.
Medic: Well, Lt. Sims isn't going to be taking appart like thanksgiving turnkey tommorrow is he!

"Whats that whistling sound?..."

what do ya mean we all have to start in reserve?

did you say cityfight with khorne/nids/BAs/SW/DE/Orks....

make an armour save?

nightfight and no searchlights modeled.

kroot can screen those crisis suits with rail guns?

your unit has 2 flamers in it?

take and hold?

what do you mean the comissar is falling back?

auspex? what are the chances he has lictors.

"Ok, we're supposed to advance under cover of the tanks.....wait, what do you mean? The tanks can't fire if they move? And they're supposed to be covering US?"

Commissar: "Welcome to your new can rest when you've taken those trenches over there." (Commissar points at a dim line of brown about 20 miles away) "We start here. Good luck, and I'll see you when you get back."

"They're only Tau....we can shoot better than they can!"

"Ah, yes. Hive battles are FUN....."

"Whadda ya mean, those Orks have a basilisk? Isn't that one of OUR tanks? Oh, it why are they using it?"

"I've been assigned to the 13th Legion? Hey, they've got a great reputation.....Wait, isn't that a PENAL Legion?"

Commissar: "Here, take this backpack over to that trench."
Guardsman: "Why, what's it going to do?"
Commissar: "Its a tactical nuclear weapon.....very small yeild."
Guardsman: "Ok, how's it work?"
Commissar: "You pull this string, and run. You'll have about five seconds."
Guardsman: "Five seconds. And how am I supposed to get away?"
Commissar: "You're not!"

"ten hut, men i have two comments. One I am being promoted so i will nolonger command you past today in two hours. Two your being shipped out to The Eye in one hour and forty five minutes"

" hey commisar your brave why dont you take out that evil looking heritic the one with the wings and talons he looks weak we will help ya!"

"hmm tyranids seem weak we dont even need our guns grab your nives boys!"

(from sergeant to captain, through comm-link)
"Sir, the Grey Knights have just run past us screaming. Awaiting orders."

(From Chimera Driver)
"Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

"cmon guys, that big thing over there with claws is NOTHING, we can take him!!"

"were in a hellhound? sounds cool..."

*sees a Wraithlord for the first time and grabs combat knife* "You think you're tough!?"

1,532 Posts
Originally posted by BorninDarkness@Jun 20 2003, 14:45
" Is that a rocket, GREED! Is that a tracked wheel, SLOTH! Is that a flak jacket and helmet, VANITY!"
Hmm, a warcraft 3 player...

try clicking on a deamon hunter loads:

Darkness called,

But i was on the phone so i missed it

I tryed to star 69 darkness,

but the awnser phone kicked in,


Darkness must have been screaning his calls....

Then try the dreadlord:

*Phone Rings*

Yo darkness whats up?

The deamonhunter left you a message?

No i dont have his number..

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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